Sexual Attraction

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Grond21

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So I’ve been struggling with this for a while, and I’m not sure where else to get answers.

I was raised in a Catholic household and I try to be as faithful to the church as I can. I know that God will clear things up for me eventually, and I’m trying to trust Him.

As a single man, I am looking forward to the time when I am married. I hope and plan to love my wife deeply inside and out, for who she is.

I am also a product of our culture, and it struggled with pornography for many years. As have most of us men, sadly.

Now, with that all laid out, I want some help knowing how to think. I am attracted to women’s breasts, specifically larger ones. And I would like to marry a woman like that. However, I have a bunch of conflicting feelings inside. I am not sure if that desire is appropriate at all, or if there’s a way to have that desire and have it be rightly ordered. I know sexual desire for women is not a bad thing, in fact God created it to be a beautiful thing. You just have to make sure you weren’t focusing on one body part exclusively. So I want to focus on the woman as a whole, but have that as one of the many things that I would like to have in a future wife. Not have to have, but like to have. Then again, because of my sexual struggle, I am not sure if that is clouding my judgement. And maybe I should just focus on being happy with whatever God gives me.

Does this make sense? It may seem petty, but it is something that I had struggled with for a long time. Do you have any thoughts that could help me?
 
A preoccupation with breasts would be unhealthy and sinful.

A preference is pretty normal, I mean I like fit men. But when you start focusing on these things rather than the human person, you would be objectifying her. Maybe I’m a little prudish but I would feel uncomfortable if I know a Catholic guy is focusing on these things.

Common sense advice would be to not ogle or disrespect these women.

But I would also like to add maybe it’s best if you focus on overcoming your issues before adding a woman into the mix, if you haven’t already. You’re right that porn can affect the way people view sex and each other’s bodies, but we cannot determine that for you. Ultimately you start to ‘grow’ in your faith and self control, your mind is clearer through prayer and abstaining from lust and you may find that your perception was off (or not)
 
Grond21:
And maybe I should just focus on being happy with whatever God gives me.
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Definitely that, yes. As an old man now, I’ll add the thought that time changes many things in a man: maturity takes time. Time is needed for natural, physical and emotional maturity to develop; and time is needed for supernatural/spiritual maturity to develop. They do not necessarily develop at the same rate, or in the same time! Old people can be naturally very immature, and young people can be remarkably spiritually mature: what matters is how one uses his time, as he is living and (hopefully) growing and developing in time.

My strong recommendation: seek to grow in Christ, above all. Seek to grow in holiness, in prayer, in the Faith. This requires to “put to death” more and more the “old man”, in order to live more and more, in the “new man” created in you by grace. Become ready to meet your true “soul mate”! Become ready to be worthy of her. You will, in God’s grace, love her as is right and fitting.
 
Quite honestly, your best bet would be to find a devout single woman in your parish with the physical characteristics you find attractive.
 
Sexual attraction is as natural as breathing air.

Men, are attracted first through vision of an attractive female and the breasts are part of that draw.

There is nothing wrong with being attracted to women’s physical appearance. It’s how God made us.

It becomes sinful if the attraction becomes lust and lust is where you desire to do things with the woman for your own pleasure without regard for hers, and if you could make it happen, you would.

Too many people in the Catholic faith get confused about sexual attraction in that they feel it must be suppressed at all costs.

Don’t fall into the trap, for it leads to despair which what the evil one wants.

Jim
 
Pornography is mind-twisting and could be why you’re putting a woman’s breasts high on your list of priorities for a wife. When you’ve been married for many years (hopefully) her breasts aren’t going to be attractive no matter the size, and consider the high rate of breast cancer in women. Give up the addiction to pornography and concentrate about what’s truly important in a relationship. You won’t be sorry.
 
I’ve been married for 45 years and my wife’s breasts still attract me.

Sexual attraction doesn’t go off and on like a light switch

Jim
 
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Since you are asking about morality, morality evaluates human acts.
Attractions are not acts, therefore an attraction is not a sin.
An attraction can be disordered in it’s object. But that is not the same thing as a sinful act.
A disordered attraction can be anything from a desire to look at pornography, or a homosexual desire, or your particular issue. The attraction leads to sin when you choose to act on it.

Taking this into account, if one chooses to dwell on and nourish a disordered attraction, that is sinful.
This happens even in marriage. If I am attracted to my wife: good thing.
If I choose to dwell on that attraction to the point of distraction at work, or to the point of badgering her when she is not in the mood: not so good.
That type of brooding on sex is not ordered to the good of my wife or myself. (I know this well from experience, unfortunately).
 
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Sexual attraction goes on daily for healthy young males.

It goes on less as we age, but it’s not something you turn off…

Jim
 
One more thought I offer you, Grond21 - the human body, and its parts and members, are not without meaning in God’s plan and design. Scripture is full with clues, helping us to learn and to grow in understanding about spiritual things, through what John Paul II suggested in his term, The Theology of the Body.

For example, breasts of a woman and a man’s attraction to them - listen to how God’s word draws a parallel with His holy city Jerusalem, and God’s relationship to her as Groom to Bride:
Isa 62:1 For Zion’s sake I will not keep silent, and for Jerusalem’s sake I will not rest, until her vindication goes forth as brightness, and her salvation as a burning torch.
…
Isa 62:3 You shall be a crown of beauty in the hand of the LORD, and a royal diadem in the hand of your God.
Isa 62:4 You shall no more be termed Forsaken, and your land shall no more be termed Desolate; but you shall be called My delight is in her, and your land Married; for the LORD delights in you, and your land shall be married.
Isa 62:5 For as a young man marries a virgin, so shall your sons marry you, and as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so shall your God rejoice over you.
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And see God’s likening the Bride Jerusalem’s “consoling breasts” to " the abundance of her glory"
Isa 66:10 “Rejoice with Jerusalem, and be glad for her, all you who love her; rejoice with her in joy, all you who mourn over her;
Isa 66:11 that you may suck and be satisfied with her consoling breasts; that you may drink deeply with delight from the abundance of her glory.”
Isa 66:12 For thus says the LORD: "Behold, I will extend prosperity to her like a river, and the wealth of the nations like an overflowing stream; and you shall suck, you shall be carried upon her hip, and dandled upon her knees.
Isa 66:13 As one whom his mother comforts, so I will comfort you; you shall be comforted in Jerusalem.
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God put an instinctive strong attraction in men, for the beauty and attraction of a woman’s breasts - this is a parable! We can see in this instinct, a message of God’s strong desire for us all, gathered into the oneness of HIs One Holy Church, the “New Jerusalem”, the Holy Bride of Christ.

If men can see this, they will see GOD very present, in that instinctive attraction! And what happens to lust, then? Is lust not driven away in shame and humiliation? Is this instinctive attraction not then seen as a word from God: honor your wife who is coming! She will be God’s gift for you! Honor HER, before you ever meet her.
 
That is consoling just to read, and helpful. Thank you. Honoring her now, is what I am trying to do.
 
I don’t feel like I am sinning just by being attracted to a woman’s breast. It’s more of the importance that I feel towards them in a potential future partner. But I can’t go off feelings, and at the heart of it I really truly want to honor her.
 
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I am trying to quit, and I’m aware of the crazy mind-altering effects. That is why I’m taking your counsel.
 
That is actually a test I am already considering using. It seems like a good way to make sure I am seeking the right things
 
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