Sexual Denial, and Sin

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I and my wife have been married for 14 for years. For nearly all this period of time, my wife has denied me sexual relations. After our two children were conceived, she decided she was finished having relations with me. She threw me out of the bedroom, and ever since then, I sleep in a guest bedroom in our home.

I have asked for help about this situtation in other forums, and other locations. Other people believe that I am insane, for living with this situation, for all this time (going on nearly 2 decades now.) The sexual frustration that I have had to endure is almost unbearable.

I know the church canons against other forms of sexuality (adultery, masturbation, etc.), and I have lived by them. I have tried my best to be a good, supportive, caring husband to my wife, but nothing seems to change. I also know the church canons against divorce and remarriage, so I know that this approach is not the way out.

But the sexual frustration is becoming almost unbearable. I really don’t know how much more I can take. It is starting to make me angry, bitter, frustrated, and dissolusioned. It is taking its toll on my performance at work, and also my ministerial work as well. I have tried to hold on through prayer, meditation, and other techniques, but I am finding it increasingly difficult to cope.

Let me ask this question to the folks in the forum:
  1. Is this situation normal? Is this a common problem within Catholic marriage? Sometimes I feel like a freak for having lived like this, for so long. Are other people coping with similar circumstances? How do you do it? Does it require the same approach as chastity within the religious vocations (priesthood, the religious life?)
  2. Is this situation sinful? It seems to violate some of the teachings in 1 Corinthians 7. “Do not deprive each other, except by mutual consent for a time, to be free for prayer, but then return to one another, so that Satan may not tempt you.” Is my wife sinful for denying me? Amd I sinful for wanting her to have relations with me, if she clearly does not want it, should I just give up asking for sex, and consign myself to complete chastity, to the end of my life?
Is this what God intends me to suffer through? Is this the cross I am supposed to bear?

I hope some of you have decent advice. Thank you.
 
First of all, God bless you for continuing to follow Church teaching in this area, and for staying with your wife, despite the obvious hardships of the marriage. Your devotion to the Church and your wife is truly inspiring.

My guess is that there must be a reason your wife kicked you out of the bedroom. Do you know what this is? Have you spoken with a priest about this? That’s the first thing you need to do, and maybe even bring your wife along if she is willing. I would also recommend you seek marriage counseling from a Catholic professional. I’ve also heard that Retrouvaille is an excellent program for deeply troubled marriages.

Another suggestion would be to read Catholic books on sexuality and marriage. Good News About Sex and Marriage by Christopher West is an excellent book for learning the basics, as well as Holy Sex! by Gregory Popcak (although the latter is more of a how-to guide to developing a truly satisfying sexual relationship, physically and emotionally). After you read the books, ask your wife if she would read them also. Or better yet, see if you can read them together, and discuss each chapter or section with her afterward.

Communication is key to intimacy, not sex. You really need to work on communication, to build the trust she needs in order to be emotionally intimate with you, before you even dream of getting back into the bedroom. Marriage counseling and retreats should help a great deal with that, as long as you both go into it with an open mind and a willingness to change for the sake of your marriage.

Also, it would help if you thank her for the little things she does. Do you thank her when she cooks dinner or cleans the bathroom? And better yet, you can help her out with those chores, if you don’t already do it. Show her that you’re making an effort to change. Sometimes the little things make a big difference.

Prayers for you and your wife, and thank you for your faithfulness!
 
This may be blunt, but I do not find this situation to be one of exemplary faithfulness. I find it to be a failure to recognize and deal with an extremely unhealthy and even abusive situation.

Your wife is either highly self-absorbed or very emotionally disturbed. Either way, this is NOT a healthy marriage and demands action. The action need not be a race to the nearest courthouse for a divorce, but you must insist on some counseling as well some basic goal-setting to make your living situation tolerable, and start moving towards a mutually respectful and caring relationship.

The Church does not require you to live like this, and the Church is no reason to avoid confronting the enormous problems in your marriage. I wouldn’t wait one more day before demanding some cooperation from your wife to address these issues. If she refuses, inform her you will be moving out and living separately until she is ready to communicate meaningfully and meet you half way in repairing the damage to your relationship.
 
Please, see your Priest and seek some kind of Catholic counseling.
 
I agree with Gracedupon about the different methods suggested. Go to a priest, a Catholic counselor if possible, read Theology of the Body for Beginners by Christopher West or watch his program Created and Redeemed on EWTN on Wednesday night.
Have you tried to discuss with your wife why she refuses to be intimate with you? Is it because she doesn’t want anymore children? If your wife refuses counseling, refuses to make any effort to reconcile with the churches teachings on marital relations and children, than the marriage is invalid. 😦 There is a list of things that invalidate a marriage that is on a pamphlet about annulment distributed through our diocese. Not being open to having more children for selfish reasons is one reason listed as making a marriage invalid. Another is if one partner is forcing the couple to live like brother and sister, so to speak. If these invalidate the marriage, I think they would also be considered a sin.

I would really encourage counseling, and reading with her about the Catholic Church’s teachings on married love. Sometimes as women grow older, they feel ashamed that their bodies no longer look like a 22 year olds body. Other times women lose that urge for physical union, in which case she might want to check with her doctor to make sure there is nothing physically wrong with her. There may be other reasons that could easily be worked out through love, communication and understanding.

You are in a difficult situation, and I feel for you. I will keep you both in my prayers.
 
Thanks to all of you for your supportive comments, and your prayers. Let me respond to some of your questions and comments"

“My guess is that there must be a reason your wife kicked you out of the bedroom. Do you know what this is?”

The reason why? She finds me weak, passive, inadequate, and unfulfilling. And she has told me so, on several occasions.
There’s a reason why I chose my screen name, MrPathetic . Because quite honestly, I have come to view myself as pathetic, as part of these experiences. My sense of self-worth and self-esteem is badly damaged.

“Have you spoken with a priest about this?”

I am meeting with a counselor in the near future. I live in an area with few priests, and in general, the marriage ministries
in our parish are carried out by lay counselors. The sole parish priest generally only gets involved when it reaches the annulment phase. I see my counselor for the first time on Monday. I will report back to you, once I have spoken with this person. I am hoping for the best.

“Communication is key to intimacy, not sex. You really need to work on communication, to build the trust she needs in order to
be emotionally intimate with you, before you even dream of getting back into the bedroom.”

I agree. But when I try to discuss these matters with my wife, she becomes extremely angry and unstable. She is constantly threatening me with throwing me out of the house. Essentially, she is content with the status quo. I work very hard to support my family, and In effect, I feel like a slave in my own marriage, and a stranger in my own home.

“Also, it would help if you thank her for the little things she does. Do you thank her when she cooks dinner or cleans the bathroom?”

I go one better. I actually help her at her work. She needs to work 2 full-time jobs, to support her extravagant lifestyle. I actually help her do one of the jobs that she insists that she has to work. I find that work deeply humiliating, but I do it anyway. Perhaps that’s part of the problem. Perhaps I am enabling some of her selfish behaviors. But if I refuse to help her, she becomes extremely angry, and she can be very cruel and vindictive.

“Your wife is either highly self-absorbed or very emotionally disturbed.”

I think it is really a combination of both. She is extremely materialistic. She long ago stopped being active in the Church.
To be quite honest, I think she worships the god of mannon. I have tried to lead my wife back to the way of the Church.
I ask her to come with me to worship on Sundays, and she refuses. She maybe attends Mass once a year, on Christmas or Easter. I have asked her to help with my ministerial work in the past. She will normally respond with some cruel comment,
such as telling me to make more money, or to “volunteer to do more chores.”

Ultimately, I think I have failed my wife, in my vocational responsibility, to lead her to God. I understand that this is at the core of the Sacrament of Marriage, and in this responsibility, I have failed badly.

"Have you tried to discuss with your wife why she refuses to be intimate with you? Is it because she doesn’t want anymore children? "

My wife had a hysterectomy several years ago. Normally, I would use this as the explanation for this behavior. This would make sense. But she started this behavior, and this denial of sex, for nearly a decade before the operation. So this is not the full explanation. There are larger issues at play here.

Ultimately, what I think it boils down to is this: she loves being married to me, but does not love me. A part of me still loves her, despite the years of mental abuse, cruelty, and humiliation. Perhaps a counselor or psychotherapist would diagnose this as co-dependance, or some other disorder. I don’t know, because this is not my area of expertise. But I have got to do something about this, because it is making my life unbearable. So I appreciate all of your guidance and support.
 
Mrpathetic - your post hit me hard because you remind me of my own father. My parents had a marriage not unlike you and your wife, where Mom was completely in control of every aspect of family life. She had a very volatile temper and constantly belittled my father as weak and worthless. She would manipulate Dad by threats of throwing him out - of the house that he paid for! Finally she got her way and he left. I love both of my parents but thinking about what happened to my father breaks my heart to this day.

I wanted to tell you that you are NOT pathetic. I know that your children look up to and love their daddy. I urge you to seek counseling for your sake and theirs. This is not a healthy family model for them. I know I still have trouble dealing with the kind of things I saw as a kid growing up.

Your wife’s cruelty is abuse just as much as it would be if she were beating you up. I think women sometimes give themselves a “pass” thinking they can’t be abusers because it isn’t physical. This is a horrible lie! If your wife does not want to go to counseling, go by yourself. You need to see that you are not the “pathetic” person that your wife tells you you are. You DO have worth as a child of God - regardless of your wife trying to bring you down.

Praying for you and your family.
 
I refuse to address you by the name you chose. You are a child of God and should be treated with respect and human dignity.

If I were you, I wouldn’t spend time thinking about yourself as co-dependent or weak. It is fruitless. Instead think about this: God created each of us with unique gifts and personalities. Some people are naturally loving, giving and peace seekers. Although it may seem like their is no use for these qualities in our dog eat dog culture, these characteristics are usually highly prized in relationships, and in jobs in health and social work fields. God made people with all different types of personalities. I studied about them in CCD in my senior year of high school. There is nothing wrong with your type of personality, but you have to understand the pitfalls and try to avoid them. Don’t beat yourself up for the personality that God gave you.

I think you might benefit from another thread on CAF. You might search out narcissistic personality disorder. The type of people that are described on that thread sound like your wife.

Counseling is also very important. Pray for the will of God to be made known to you. If you ever feel the need to leave her, remember this, your marriage as she is forcing you to live it is not valid. Forcing you to live without the marital act is wrong.

Here is something else to think about. Eleanor Roosevelt said that no one can make you feel inferior without your permission.

Don’t let her words make you feel inferior. Easier said than done, I know. Don’t let her emasculate you either. When it comes to duties, responsibility, and loyalty, you appear to be a real man. Don’t let her make you feel inadequate.

God Bless you. I will keep you in my prayers.
 
I’m so sorry that you are going through this. Like Galnextdoor, no calling you by your chosen handle - you deserve better.
Your devotion to God is admirable - and He will reward you for it. He knows what you are going through, and He loves you.
I’m glad you are getting counseling. I will pray for you and your family. As per your other questions - this is NOT normal, and it is not acceptable that you are treated this way.
 
You are not weak and pathetic at all. You seem like a kind, caring man with a great set of values (something that is hard to find these days). You should not have to endure being treated this way! It is so common for people who are mistreated by their partner to start believing all the outrageous things their partner says to them. Through my line of work I see many, many domestic violence victims and even if your wife if never physically abusive, the way you feel about yourself is an exact mirror of what I see in DV victims. They become so manipulated. Their partners seem to have this insane mental stronghold on them. You are SO much better than she tells you you are. Do NOT believe it if she says you are weak or pathetic.
 
If you had known that you were going to be celibate for that long, you could have been a priest!!

I don’t think it is a “Catholic” issue per say but I have known several married couples who only have sex once or twice a year. Usually on a holiday or anniversary or something. One of the cases the woman was sick, the other case they had a lot of children & the other case the woman was not happy with her husband.

Without knowing more about the situation, there is not much one can say? Does you wife just not like sex? I know several women like that. They end up taking their sexual frustration out on their husband because he is their sexual partner but it is not necessarily because they are frustrated with their husband as they find sex intrusive/painful, etc…some women find sex emotionally painful & some women find sex physically painful.

But if you wife is angry with you and is withholding sex as a way for revenge, then I would think there are larger issues to address with her.

How is the rest of your marriage? Do you all talk, do you ever show each other any affection, do you pray together, go to Church together? Do you mutally accept resposibility for finances or are there monetary disagreements?
 
turtle18 said:
If you had known that you were going to be celibate for that long, you could have been a priest!!

I don’t think it is a “Catholic” issue per say but I have known several married couples who only have sex once or twice a year. Usually on a holiday or anniversary or something. One of the cases the woman was sick, the other case they had a lot of children & the other case the woman was not happy with her husband.

Without knowing more about the situation, there is not much one can say? Does you wife just not like sex? I know several women like that. They end up taking their sexual frustration out on their husband because he is their sexual partner but it is not necessarily because they are frustrated with their husband as they find sex intrusive/painful, etc…some women find sex emotionally painful & some women find sex physically painful.

But if you wife is angry with you and is withholding sex as a way for revenge, then I would think there are larger issues to address with her.

How is the rest of your marriage? Do you all talk, do you ever show each other any affection, do you pray together, go to Church together? Do you mutally accept resposibility for finances or are there monetary disagreements?
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I don’t think it is a lack of sex drive, or any physical issues. She didn’t have any such problems, when were still trying to have kids. Our period of “in-marriage chastity” began shortly after our second and final child was born. I think the problem is from the head up, not down.

Our marriage itself is fine, so long as I am willing to be completely weak, ineffectual, and spineless, with no say whatsoever in how our marriage, family, or household operates. When I try to assert myself, or take charge in any way, then the problem starts. That generally leads to another humiliating encounter, like last night.

As I mentioned in a previous post, my wife has fallen away from the Church. She really worships money, and is extremely selfish and materialistic. When I attend services on Sunday, I have to go alone, except for when my children join us. (They typically attend a Lifeteen mass later on Sundays.) I feel embarrassed, as a married Catholic, and my wife is never there beside me in the pew.

My wife controls all of our finances. Even though I make half the money, she spends virtually all the money. Again, she is content with this arrangement. I just endure it.

I have come to view my marriage as a battle of endurance - and I am running out of ideas as to how to cope. But I do appreciate the feedback and ideas that I am receiving through this forum.
 
Hello. In no way would I advocate divorce, but please realize that your wife has abandoned you. Just because she lives in the same home as you does not mean that she isn’t acting like your marriage is over.

I think at this point, if you were to physically separate it would be to protect your assets and your self. You are not obligated to stay in an abusive situation, and she is emotionally abusing you.

Please discuss this with your priest.

I am so sorry that you are going through this.
 
Mary_Gail_36 said:
Hello. In no way would I advocate divorce, but please realize that your wife has abandoned you. Just because she lives in the same home as you does not mean that she isn’t acting like your marriage is over.

I think at this point, if you were to physically separate it would be to protect your assets and your self. You are not obligated to stay in an abusive situation, and she is emotionally abusing you.

Please discuss this with your priest.

I am so sorry that you are going through this.
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Oh my gosh, Mary–it’s like you read my mind with this post. :amen: This is excellent advice. I think you are in an abusive and neglectful relationship, OP. (I too won’t call you by how you have chosen your username–you are not pathetic!) I think that it’s often the thought that only women can undergo abusive treatment, but women just exhibit abusive behavior in different ways.

I would discuss this with a priest, then seek counseling for yourself. God wants you to be happy…to be at peace. I’m not sure if a physical separation would help your marriage, but it helped mine. I wouldn’t recommend it, it is only after you have given it some serious thought, that a couple should make that decsion.

I just pray that you find peace, within yourself…and that you talk to a priest. I’m praying for you.
 
  1. Your wife is sinning against God in not following through on her marriage commitment. She’s forgetting “And the two shall become one”. She wants to have her cake and eat it too.
  2. She sounds like an abusive person…how does she treat your children? You might have grounds for annullment due to her behavior and actions.
  3. I would get a lawyer and discuss your options along with following through on counciling. If she as materialistic as you say I would find it surprising if she was hiding assets for debt from you. Don’t let her drag you into debt.
I’ll pray for you family
 
Your wife sounds mentally ill. She is abusive and I don’t think you will change her. You can change yourself and your situation.

I would talk to a holy priest and a lawyer, in that order.
 
To update everyone on my status:

I am seeing a Christian-based counselor in my area. I had my first session last week, and I will have my next one next week. He is starting a therapy program, based upon a work called “Boundaries”, by Cloud and Townsend. They are Christian-based marital counselors who have developed a process for setting boundaries on behavior within relationships, including marriage.

I am encouraged by this process, and I will update this forum on my progress. It will not be easy or fast - but then again, it took nearly 20 years for me to reach this point. Hopefully, it won’t take another 20 years to get back to some semblance of normalcy, or self-respect.
 
Hey you put this topic on a public forum asking for opinion so Im going to give you mine. Please dont take it personal .

Maybe your wife didnt stop having sex with you because she didnt want anymore Kids, but perhaps she felt like you were using her as a sexaul object for your own base lustful filled desires. Perhaps this made her despise the very thought of having sex with you, and made her lose any remaining respect she had for you each time you would have sex. So maybe not having sex with her for all these years is the one thing thats actually helped rather then hindered your marriage, maybe you have grown into a more respectful man in her eyes in this time.

The Catholic Ideal is More sex is worse sex, and less sex is best sex. This protects against the abuse of each other, and keeps the dignity of both husband and wife protected.
 
She threw me out of the bedroom, and ever since then, I sleep in a guest bedroom in our home.
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That is terrible, especially for the children to see that being done to their father. May God bless you. You are in my prayers and I hope everything works out for the better. Be strong and keep your faith alive.

Please don’t call yourself Mr. Pathetic. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel worthless, you were made in the image of God. No one has the right to inflict such abuse that causes one to have a negative self-image. You sound like a very intelligent and moral person, and don’t let anyone make you feel otherwise.
 
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