Sexual Desire Question

[I-Need-Hope_2020]

Quick question for everyone. If someone possesses a strong level of sexual desire, for a prolonged period of time, do you think it is God’s will for them to eventually enter into the state of marriage? I ask this question out of personal curiosity, and curiosity about god’s plan for people in general.

I’m someone who has struggled with masturbation issues for about 15 years now. When I say “struggle”, I mean that I can typically get through anywhere from 2 weeks to a month clean, . . .

Instead, I’m just curious what people think. Since my sexual desire is so strong, and has been for so long, do you take it as a sign that god intends for me to eventually find a wife, even if I’m not ready yet? Also, if I wasn’t meant to have a spouse, wouldn’t my sexual desires have diminished by now, . . . I know that we all have our crosses we have to carry, but would god really permit me to go my whole adult life continually feeling this urge, only to never have it fulfilled?

Again, I’m not trying to make this about my sexual sin struggles. I really do wish to stop sinning, and have been very active with the sacraments to attain purity. I just hope it’s not a case of “God does plan for you to have a wife, but not until you develop enough self-control”. If that’s the case, then I feel like I will never get to that point, and thus never get to be married. . . . .

I thank anyone in advance who chooses to respond.

 

[Vico]

I know that we all have our crosses we have to carry, but would god really permit me to go my whole adult life continually feeling this urge, only to never have it fulfilled?

I think the answer to this one is yes. But remember that the Catholic dogma is that if a person is in the state of sanctifying grace, it is sufficient to overcome all temptation to mortal sin. Perhaps there are influences that make this problem not a mortal sin for you, but I could not determine that.

 

[RolandThompsonGunner]

Lastly, it is the tendency of certain people on this website to jump into this kind of thread, and be judgemental. To any currently married catholic man that is tempted to start critiquing me (believe me, I feel bad enough about my faults as it is), ask yourself an honest question. If your wife were to suddenly start witholding sex from you, how long do you think you’d be able to last before it really started to make you crazy (tension, and a strong desire to start committing sexual sin)? Please just recognize that some people, such as myself, have had a life’s worth of rejection from women, or possible matches never seeming to work out, or the inability to even approach women to begin with. Thus, please refrain from any judgemental comments, and just answer the questions that I have posed above.

I’m certainly not judging you, and it’s not like married people don’t also struggle with masturbation. That said, I don’t think you’re abnormal. Most guys start masturbation at, what, 13 or 14? So you’re about 30 now? You’re still young. Having a raging libido is not unusual. And marriage is not like a 24/7 sex fest. Temptations and the need for self control still exist in marriage.

 

[Irishmom2]

do you think it is gods will for them to eventually enter into the state of marriage?

Eventually? Why not? But do I think they should marry the wrong person just for the sake of marrying someone? No.

There is no guarantee that getting married is going to solve the problem of “strong sexual desire.”

 

[CelticWarlord]

If someone possesses a strong level of sexual desire,

I believe you’re talking about 99.9% of the population. Those who choose to stay celibate for any reason are tackling about the toughest challenge anyone could face. One more reason I so admire the Catholic clergy. That takes guts.

 

[VonDerTann]

I think you’re looking at this all wrong. ALL wrong.

I think most people are called to marriage. But because of sexual desire? Not per se, because if so, we wouldn’t be called to marriage; we’d be called to serial mating with as many people as we can. Maybe we are, biologically. We’re called to marriage because IMHO a person is called to one other person to join and become one flesh. You’re reducing marriage to just sex.

Further, with all due respect, I don’t believe you have any more “desire” than anyone else does.

Since my sexual desire is so strong

–You’re acting like you masturbate because your desire is “so strong.” No, your desire isn’t “so strong,” because most men have such desire, so much as your willpower is so weak.

If your wife were to suddenly start witholding sex from you, how long do you think you’d be able to last before it really started to make you crazy (tension, and a strong desire to start committing sexual sin)

–You make it sound like wives are just supposed to give their husbands sex on demand. Sorry, there’s something awfully close to “wives exist for sex” there.

–“Withhold sex?” Lots of men have wives who can’t have sex for any number of reasons , and their husbands don’t immediately start masturbating or worse a week later. Wives get sick; have traumas; travel for business; heck, get deployed overseas in the military, and their husbands…deal with these things. And know what? They don’t masturbate, and not because of lack of desire. Plus sometimes the wife wants sex and the husband can’t!

I just hope it’s not a case of “god does plan for you to have a wife, but not until you develop enough self-control”.

–That may in fact be the case.

Candidly, IMHO your problem is not “too much desire,” so much as it’s disordered belief/immaturity leading you to place undue importance on “desire.” What to do? Stop saying “my desires are so strong!” while at the same time being resentful of married men (you seem to be) and feeling rejected. See women as humans to be loved; respected; admired; cherished, etc., first, and really live this, and the rest will fall into line.

EDITING: The “sin/purity/sin/purity” cycle shows something is wrong. The answer IMHO isn’t just to say 500 rosaries; sounds like you’ve been doing that but the “problem” persists. The answer IMHO is to change your way of thinking.

 

[Mrchatsworth]

If you can’t control your desire now what kind of husband will you be? Chastity is more than not having sexual relations or masturbating it’s being able to control that when your spouse is sleeping right beside you.

The point is, it can actually be harder to do if you marry if you can’t control and master it now.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

OP, you do know that there are people with all different levels of sexual desire who get married, don’t you? The main reason people get married is because they love each other and want to make a life together, not because one or both of them need a sexual outlet. There’s going to be times in any marriage when the spouses need to go without sex for some reason, and it might last for years.

 

[TheLittleLady]

A besetting sin is not some sort of vocational sign, it is a sin. We are to gain control over our appetites.

Another thing is pride, it is a distorted sort of pride when we believe that our temptations are much, much greater than someone else’s temptations. It helps to remember how common this sin is, that scores of people have resisted the temptation as well.

 

[Jen7]

Marriage for THAT reason?! I surely don’t think that’s any kind of “sign”. NFP can require lengthy abstinence. Your wife may get ill or injured. Your wife’s pregnancy may require pelvic rest. Your kids could get sick or be scared and need to sleep in your bed. Spouses go MONTHS without sex at times. The last think your wife needs is to feel like you’re grumpy at her because she’s “not delivering” as often as you want. Besides… who says you’ll even prefer real sex to why you can give yourself whenever / however you want? Sex with a spouse needs to be coordinated with someone else’s mood, preferences, and needs. That takes self denial, patience, respect and a whole host of virtues that self-pleasure rewards a person for NOT developing. Nope, I don’t think a desire for orgasms means a person is called to marry.

 

[VonDerTann]

That’s one reason why masturbation and porn are so bad - because they’re too easy. Your “partner” never says no, never asks anything of you, and doesn’t have any needs of their own.

We’re made for better things.

 

[raystacy1]

I struggle/struggled with this also. However, from personal experience, marriage will not take this desire away. There is a big difference between a male and female sexual desires. Yours will always be greater then hers and you will look for somewhere else to fulfill your needs which is not fair to her and you would likely end up taking one of her main purposes for marriage away from her. The best thing that I can say to help you here is that you need to get help. You can not beat this by yourself, it sounds as if it has turned into an addiction. You will need a strong male lead and accountability partners.

 

[Bernoulli]

There is a big difference between a male and female sexual desires. Yours will always be greater then hers[.]

Male desire is not as such greater than female desire, but it is more indiscriminate whereas female desire is choosy. A woman might desire sex in general, but not in a particular situation — or with a particular partner.

 

[raystacy1]

Male desire is not as such greater than female desire, but it is more indiscriminate whereas female desire is choosy.

I have read various books and been to countless groups. I know this isn’t the case in all circumstances. I am not saying all male sexual desires or greater than all females, but in general they are. 70% to 80% of all Christian men lust consistently in some way. All I was saying is he is not alone. This happens more then people realize, but Marriage is not an escape from it.

 

[Jen7]

Quick question for everyone. If someone possesses a strong level of sexual desire, for a prolonged period of time, do you think it is God’s will for them to eventually enter into the state of marriage?

Think about the converse: if someone felt no sexual interest would that mean they had a monastic vocation? Surely not!

 

[TheLittleLady]

There is a big difference between a male and female sexual desires.

This is an old wives tale that needs to go away.

We all have desire for sex, for food, for sleep. To say that “my hunger is different and stronger and more indiscriminate than your hunger” would be silly.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

This is an old wives tale that needs to go away.

We all have desire for sex, for food, for sleep. To say that “my hunger is different and stronger and more indiscriminate than your hunger” would be silly.

This is true. It’s more a case of there being a difference between individuals’ sexual desires. Some people, including some women, want to have sex every night and some people, including some men, are okay with one or two times a month or even less.

Sexual desire also varies with what is going on in your life. If you’re suffering from lack of sleep from caring for a new baby or you’re worried about your job or run ragged trying to look after a sick or dying family member, then you might not be in the mood for sex until things settle down.

 

[Rau]

We all have desire for sex, for food, for sleep. To say that “my hunger is different and stronger and more indiscriminate than your hunger” would be silly.

There is great variability among individuals (at least in respect of sexual urges).

 

[NevermoreLenore]

There is a big difference between a male and female sexual desires. Yours will always be greater then hers and you will look for somewhere else to fulfill your needs

FALSE. It is this very attitude that made me feel like a complete freak growing up. I am a woman who has always had a very strong sex drive. I am incredibly blessed to have a husband whose sex drive matches my own. Twenty two years of marriage and our intimate relationship is stronger than when we first married. Diagnosed a week before our wedding, I have been battling cancer the entirety of our marriage and treatment and surgeries have interrupted regular relations, sometimes for several months at a time. My husband never wavered in his devotion to me. Our relationship is greatly enriched by intimacy, but let me be clear: sex is not the heart of a marriage.

As a psychologist, I have counselled many in marriage where sexual desires are mismatched. It is pretty evenly split between men and women who have the greater desire. Perpetuating the myth that women don’t want sex or want it less than men demeans a woman and relegates her to the long suffering, dutiful wife who merely tolerates her husband’s advances. Actually, it demeans men as well, rendering them as slaves to desire who just can’t help it. Generally, marriage is entered into with the intent that sex will be regular and exclusive, but many things can interfere with carrying this out, and if sex is your main reason for marrying you’re setting yourself up for a great deal of misery.

I empathise with the OP–I really do. However, whilst it is important in a marriage to be attracted to your spouse, it is not a reason to get married. True marriage requires compatibility on spiritual, psychological, interpersonal, etc levels and sex is very low on the list. If you are considering marriage, PLEASE read anything and everything from the Church regarding marriage so you have a better understanding of what it truly means. Marriage can be an enormous blessing but it is not to be entered into lightly.

 

[NevermoreLenore]

I am not saying all male sexual desires or greater than all females, but in general they are. 70% to 80% of all Christian men lust consistently in some way.

I’d like to see a non anecdotal source for this. You are likely to believe this because the people with whom you engage are heavily skewed toward that conclusion.