Sexual Ethics

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Dempsey1919

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Hello,

The ONLY stumbling block which keeps me from re-entering the Church is its position on sexuality.

This question is directed towards those Catholics who actually follow Church teaching on this matter.

Anyway, here are my questions:
  1. I have a problem with the teaching on masturbation. I have tried to quit in the past but I kept having nocturnal emissions and they were a real pain. I always thought that this was a natural practice that helped relieve excess tension.
Are there any people here who have quit and experienced no negative reactions? (Such as nocturnal emissions and decreased libido)
  1. The teaching on contraception is really problematic for me. It’s hard enough finding the right girl anyway without having to add this on top. Most of the women I know would consider me a freak if I said that I didn’t believe in contraception. A recent pole said that 96% of Catholics use contraception. However, I will not re-join the church unless I stop condoning contraception.
Are their any married couples on here who have NEVER used contraception? Could you share your experiences and give me any advice on how to find a girl that doesn’t believe in contraception?
  1. Another thing is sex before marriage. If I told a girl that I didn’t want to have sex before marriage the she would think I was a freak, and my friends would most likely question my sexuality.
The purpose of this thread is to find out what PRACTICING Catholics think about these issues. I would like to know how you manage to follow these teachings, and also of any problems that you have faced as a result.

Like I said, this is my only problem with the church so any advice offered and experiences shared would be greatly appreciated.
 
  1. Yes, I quit before I got married (part of a general return to the faith). No negative reactions.
Even if you have nocturnal emissions, what’s the big deal? I think it happens to all guys occasionally. It’s no sin.
  1. Yes, my wife and I have never used contraception. For the first year we used NFP to avoid conception. Now we are trying to have a baby.
Before I met my wife, I was not a good Catholic. So, the Catholic girl came before my observance of Catholic Sexual Morality. I would say there are several Catholic dating websites. I have never used them, but hear good things.

Also, I’d reccomend reading Christopher West’s Theology of the Body. It is based on JP II’s work, and really explains Catholic sexuality teachings and debunks many misconceptions.

May God Bless you in your search.
 
Dempsey1919 said:
Could you share your experiences and give me any advice on how to find a girl that doesn’t believe in contraception?
  1. Another thing is sex before marriage. If I told a girl that I didn’t want to have sex before marriage the she would think I was a freak, and my friends would most likely question my sexuality.
Click to expand...
Well, practically, it seems that you are most likely to find friends and a girl who will not think you are a freak for not wanting to have sex before marriage and for not wanting to use contraception by seeking out groups which already state that they believe in those things. You would have a higher likelihood of meeting someone with similar views in those groups rather than looking for it in random encounters in the general population, at least. I doubt that Catholic singles groups or Catholic churches or organizations or charities who need volunteers would bar you from the door if you told them you were considering conversion (which appears to be the case).

If you are seriously considering conversion, trust me that it will be much easier if you look for a life partner who shares that faith. It is not impossible otherwise, but it is more challenging.

Also, in terms of the friends questioning your sexuality, sounds like you need to become content in your own mind with what is most important in your view of yourself, your sexuality and your religion is the most vital, your own convictions and beliefs or the opinions of your friends. Adhering to one’s principles is not always easy nor is it always in line with popular opinion. Youlve probably heard this before, but friends who are real friends will understand your reasons for your choices and respect them (presuming you explain them), even if they do not adhere to them themselves.
 
Sounds like you’re worried about what others will think - if you’re against pre marital sex, artificial birth control etc.

Aren’t you more worried about what God will think? —KCT
 
Here are a few short answers before I run to lunch:
  1. I have pretty much quit the habit cold turkey (I may fall down on ocassion). But, to answer your questions, nocternal emissions are natural regardless of whether you do it or not. My libido has not suffered and is as strong as ever, just have learned to control it better.
  2. Catholics should be using NFP (Natural Family Planning) for just cause (what justifies “just cause” is left up to the reader). I’ve read it can be as effective and as easy to use as other method, without side effects of some methods.
  3. Not all women would think you are a freak. Who cares what your friends think anyways? If you’re comfortable with yourself, who cares?
Dempsey1919 said:
Hello,

The ONLY stumbling block which keeps me from re-entering the Church is its position on sexuality.

This question is directed towards those Catholics who actually follow Church teaching on this matter.

Anyway, here are my questions:
  1. I have a problem with the teaching on masturbation. I have tried to quit in the past but I kept having nocturnal emissions and they were a real pain. I always thought that this was a natural practice that helped relieve excess tension.
Are there any people here who have quit and experienced no negative reactions? (Such as nocturnal emissions and decreased libido)
  1. The teaching on contraception is really problematic for me. It’s hard enough finding the right girl anyway without having to add this on top. Most of the women I know would consider me a freak if I said that I didn’t believe in contraception. A recent pole said that 96% of Catholics use contraception. However, I will not re-join the church unless I stop condoning contraception.
Are their any married couples on here who have NEVER used contraception? Could you share your experiences and give me any advice on how to find a girl that doesn’t believe in contraception?
  1. Another thing is sex before marriage. If I told a girl that I didn’t want to have sex before marriage the she would think I was a freak, and my friends would most likely question my sexuality.
The purpose of this thread is to find out what PRACTICING Catholics think about these issues. I would like to know how you manage to follow these teachings, and also of any problems that you have faced as a result.

Like I said, this is my only problem with the church so any advice offered and experiences shared would be greatly appreciated.
Click to expand...
 
Christopher West

Check out “The Good News About Sex and Marriage” by Christopher West. It is a great book that is a very, very easy read. This will answer a lot of your questions and open your eyes and help to change your view of sex.
 
bilop said:
  1. Yes, I quit before I got married (part of a general return to the faith). No negative reactions.
Even if you have nocturnal emissions, what’s the big deal? I think it happens to all guys occasionally. It’s no sin.
  1. Yes, my wife and I have never used contraception. For the first year we used NFP to avoid conception. Now we are trying to have a baby.
Before I met my wife, I was not a good Catholic. So, the Catholic girl came before my observance of Catholic Sexual Morality. I would say there are several Catholic dating websites. I have never used them, but hear good things.

Also, I’d reccomend reading Christopher West’s Theology of the Body. It is based on JP II’s work, and really explains Catholic sexuality teachings and debunks many misconceptions.

May God Bless you in your search.
Click to expand...
Do not look for a woman who does not share your desire to be devout in the Catholic faith. It will help derail you down the road, make decisions about children immensely diifcult, and generally make your marriage less fulfilling than it could be.

Scripture talkes about being unequally yoked with our partners, and this is what was meant.

If you look for women who share your desires, all the ancillary issues fall into place.

Highly recommend catholicmatch.com, or avemariasingles.com.

I met my fiance on the former, and it was the best thing I did after years of dating run of the mill people from society.
 
Dempsey1919 said:
  1. I have a problem with the teaching on masturbation. I have tried to quit in the past but I kept having nocturnal emissions and they were a real pain. I always thought that this was a natural practice that helped relieve excess tension.
Are there any people here who have quit and experienced no negative reactions? (Such as nocturnal emissions and decreased libido)
Click to expand...
Not a man, can’t help you with that. Although, DH finds the idea of masterbation repugnent. Sexual *pleasure *is intended for unity of the spouses.

BUT, masterbation is NOT a “natural” process. It’s a disordered use of the sexual faculties to generate sexual pleasure in a sterile way.
Dempsey1919 said:
  1. The teaching on contraception is really problematic for me. It’s hard enough finding the right girl anyway without having to add this on top. Most of the women I know would consider me a freak if I said that I didn’t believe in contraception. A recent pole said that 96% of Catholics use contraception. However, I will not re-join the church unless I stop condoning contraception.
Are their any married couples on here who have NEVER used contraception? Could you share your experiences and give me any advice on how to find a girl that doesn’t believe in contraception?
Click to expand...
DH and I embrace the Church’s teaching fully. We did not have sexual relations before marriage and contraception has never been a part of our marriage. It’s repulsive.

As for women thinking you are a freak-- well, that just weeds out the bad ones all that much faster. Really, who cares what other people think? Your goal is to find a GODLY spouse, one who will help you get to heaven. Good riddance to the ones who reject Church teaching.

As for FINDING God-fearing Catholics who love the Lord and are obedient to his teachings (and LOVE his teachings, not just suck-it-up-and-obey), I suggest Ave Maria online, if you don’t meet them at your parish church. Solid Catholic women ARE numerous, you just have to maintain HIGH standards.
Dempsey1919 said:
  1. Another thing is sex before marriage. If I told a girl that I didn’t want to have sex before marriage the she would think I was a freak, and my friends would most likely question my sexuality.
The purpose of this thread is to find out what PRACTICING Catholics think about these issues. I would like to know how you manage to follow these teachings, and also of any problems that you have faced as a result.
Click to expand...
No, a Godly woman would NOT have such a response. You have the wrong friends if they would question your sexuality, make fun of you, or expect you to engage in such an activity that offends God and exposes you to heartache, out-of-wedlock pregnancy, sexual diseases, and such.
Dempsey1919 said:
Like I said, this is my only problem with the church so any advice offered and experiences shared would be greatly appreciated.
Click to expand...
Actually, I think your biggest problem is that you need to stop giving a flip what other people think about you and focus more on what the RIGHT thing to do is.

I have found that when you live for the Lord, fully, he brings blessings into your life.

Find a different group to be friends with-- ones who want to honor God, cherish their spouse, and go to Hevaen. Find some people who are involved in pro-life activities, prayer/rosary groups, etc.

Be strong, remember Christ said to take up his Cross and FOLLOW. He didn’t say, “don’t follow if people make fun of you”. Actually, in Matthew he said, BLESSED are you when you are persecuted for my sake. So, if your friends make fun of you-- consider yourself to be doing something right… and then witness to them regarding the truth of Christ.

I suggest www.omsoul.com for more information on these topics. They have a lot of books/pamphlets. Also Jason Evert’s books on chastity and Christopher West on the Theology of the Body would be good for you to read.
 
Dempsey1919 said:
  1. I have a problem with the teaching on masturbation. I have tried to quit in the past but I kept having nocturnal emissions and they were a real pain. I always thought that this was a natural practice that helped relieve excess tension.
Are there any people here who have quit and experienced no negative reactions? (Such as nocturnal emissions and decreased libido)
Click to expand...
It’s a struggle- like everything in life is a struggle. It’s not about denying an urge, it’s about UNDERSTANDING that urge, what it means, what it’s about and why you get it.

I found out about what the Church teaches on this subject. When you are in possession of the facts and you are embued with a real understanding, you reach this strange position where to masturbate is un-desireable. You just don’t want to. When you feel an urge, you understand it and are in control of it, instead of feeling that it is in control of you.

Does that make any sense?
Dempsey1919 said:
  1. The teaching on contraception is really problematic for me. It’s hard enough finding the right girl anyway without having to add this on top. Most of the women I know would consider me a freak if I said that I didn’t believe in contraception. A recent pole said that 96% of Catholics use contraception. However, I will not re-join the church unless I stop condoning contraception.
Are their any married couples on here who have NEVER used contraception? Could you share your experiences and give me any advice on how to find a girl that doesn’t believe in contraception?
Click to expand...
I’ve never used contraception in my marriage. It’s not at all difficult, honestly! I did have the advantage of marrying a Catholic girl, but we have discussed this issue in great detail and struggled with it.

Again, it comes down to internalising and understanding WHY. Why does the Church promulgate this teaching, one that appears so difficult and so hard-- some say IMPOSSIBLE!!

In reality, there would be no Catholics if it didn’t work or was that hard. It really isn’t; and a Catholic Marriage where both partners share the same vision, is the absolute best and most awesome relationship you will ever be a part of in your entire life!!!
Dempsey1919 said:
  1. Another thing is sex before marriage. If I told a girl that I didn’t want to have sex before marriage the she would think I was a freak, and my friends would most likely question my sexuality.
Click to expand...
No she wouldn’t. If she did, she probably isn’t worth getting involved with in any case. When I was going out with girls (I went out with LOADS of girls before I got married) it was a positive bonus!! Refusing to have sex gave me a mystique that girls found irresistable! Any thinking girl would automatically think “Wow!”. I was straight away demonstrating respect and restraint and something that was not the norm from boys. It meant I wasn’t after one thing only.

I ended up married to someone amazing too. 🙂 That was 12 years and 4 children ago!
😉
Dempsey1919 said:
The purpose of this thread is to find out what PRACTICING Catholics think about these issues. I would like to know how you manage to follow these teachings, and also of any problems that you have faced as a result.

Like I said, this is my only problem with the church so any advice offered and experiences shared would be greatly appreciated.
Click to expand...
I hope that helps. I can’t tell you how happy being a Catholic makes me. All these things that can appear as strictures are actually aids to help us experience life TO THE FULLEST we can!

God Bless

Mark.
 
Dempsey1919 said:
  1. I have a problem with the teaching on masturbation. I have tried to quit in the past but I kept having nocturnal emissions and they were a real pain. I always thought that this was a natural practice that helped relieve excess tension.
Are there any people here who have quit and experienced no negative reactions? (Such as nocturnal emissions and decreased libido)
Click to expand...
I used to masturbate very frequently. Being engaged to my wife is what change it. I was raised Catholic but had abandoned it years before I asked my wife to marry me. My love for her got me into thinking about the nature of that love which eventually led me back to the Church. I stopped masturbating pretty much cold turkey out of respect for her, but I realize that if I were single I would have had a much harder time doing so. It’s a lot harder to keep the harm masturbation does to yourself and others in perspective when you don’t have a significant other right there every day. One thing that may help is to remember how harmful the porn you use to masturbate is to the women who get sucked into that industry and how harmful the ideas expressed in it are to women in general.

I still have nocturnal emissions every once in a while. It’s nature, it happens. As far as decreased libido goes… It used to be that my libido controlled me, I couldn’t say no to it. Now I control my libido; it serves me. The transition is a little difficult, after years of getting its way your libido won’t start listening without a fight. But life’s so much better now that my libido sends me suggestions which I can choose to act on rather than commandments I can’t refuse.
Dempsey1919 said:
  1. The teaching on contraception is really problematic for me. It’s hard enough finding the right girl anyway without having to add this on top. Most of the women I know would consider me a freak if I said that I didn’t believe in contraception. A recent pole said that 96% of Catholics use contraception. However, I will not re-join the church unless I stop condoning contraception.
Are their any married couples on here who have NEVER used contraception? Could you share your experiences and give me any advice on how to find a girl that doesn’t believe in contraception?
Click to expand...
My wife is Presbyterian and I haven’t yet convinced her of the truth of catholic sexual ethics, so we use contraception. It’s a very difficult area of our marriage, but that’s a topic for another thread…

I would say the best way to find a girl who doesn’t believe in contraception is to hang out with faithful Catholics. But also keep in mind that you don’t necessarily have to agree with everyone when you meet them. You should be able to meet lots of girls who, while they may not agree with your beliefs about contraception, will respect you for believing them. As long as you respect each other, you can get to know each other and maybe down the road influence each other’s beliefs. If you’re looking for a girl who fits some sort of checklist for the perfect wife the instant you meet her, you’re never going to find her.
Dempsey1919 said:
  1. Another thing is sex before marriage. If I told a girl that I didn’t want to have sex before marriage the she would think I was a freak, and my friends would most likely question my sexuality.
Click to expand...
My wife didn’t want to have sex when we were dating. I don’t even think that was purely because of religious belief on her part, it was just what she wanted. From my perspective, this was a relief for me. When we met in college I was still very immature from a relationship standpoint. My only sexual experiences were “one night stands” (usually highly influenced by alcohol) - I had no experience of sex within a relationship. I really think that not having sex helped us to focus on our relationship and getting to know each other. It helped me to become a man and realize what my role was in the relationship. I don’t think we ever said at the start of our relationship that we wouldn’t have sex before marriage, but it just worked out that way and I’m happy it did. Plus it makes your wedding night pretty awesome!
 
I never had a problem with no sex before marriage. I totally understand that. I never found it hard to not have sex with guys I was dating. It was hard not to have sex with my fiance when we were engaged though.

Masturbation - I grew up learning it was normal and ok. ( I converted when I was 19 ). I understand why it is wrong, especially if you are thinking about someone when you are doing it. I personally think there are different levels of sinning involved with this, for example, for some it is a force of habit.

Contraception, I am struggling with. I understand why the church takes the position it does. We all have crosses to carry, as you know.

Pray about these things, read all the Christopher West books, spend time at this forum.

🙂
 
By the way, I know there are PLENTY of Catholic women out there who are looking for a man who wishes to wait to have sex once married. Plenty of Christian women and other religious too. It’s not being a freak at all. Many of us wonder where all the good Catholic men are?
 
Thanks for all the replies, I really appreciate it. I’m going to get some of the books mentioned, hopefully they’ll clear a few things up for me.
 
I’d also recommend “wild at heart”. Here is some advice from my life, learning things the hard way.
  1. This one is hard. I’m 30, did not listen to this advice, and have been able to see how it has effected me. I can see how I objectify women and how when I’m talking to a girl, I feel weak. Over the long run, sin eats away at the soul. So if anything, pay attention to that, so you can learn from your mistakes. Think of it as training for a marathon. You want to condition yourself so that when you are married, you wont fall victim to sin. Practicing these things will also mature you as a person. By caring more about your future wife, then your immidate pleasure, you train your soul to be unselfish. And as you grow older you will learn that selflessness is the most improtant thing to maintain love. The bible is a cookbook to live a great life. You can ignore things and learn the hard way, in the end realizing that the 1000 years of advice was good to begin with. It may take 10 years to understand why a rule is the way it is.
  2. There are ways around this. Go to a theology on tap on NFP. I think if you learn about it, it makes everything else sound less fun. Also learn about the pill. The egg gets fertilized, it just doesn’t stick to the uteris, so technically you are killing babies. Don’t know if that is how they all work, but I’m sure there are some great threads on the subject on this forum.
  3. The sex before marraige. I think the statistic is that 95% have sex before marraige. So we’ve got to go to where the other 5% hang out. You don’t want to be a divorce statistic so I would search out that 5%. I’ve dated four girlfriends, 2-5 years each. I could have saved a lot of time had I scratched out the sex part. You stay in the relationship for comfort, even if you don’t really love the person. As I got older, with the last girl, when I would have sex with her, I would have this feeling like I was “stealing candy from a store”. I guess I was maturing, and I’m at the point now that I want to get married, and when I meet a girl that is holding off, it shows me that she is mature and a good canadate for marraige. Dealing with the sexual energy is hard. It’s just a matter of how much time you want to waste, and how risky you want to be with your life.
The biggest argument from my friends is that they need to test drive a girl before commiting. But that shows me they don’t understand love. You devote your life, be completely selfless, it doesn’t matter if the sex is perfect on your end, because it is about making the other person happy.

Don’t worry about being a freak, statistacally the freaks don’t get divorced. There is a lot to learn, lots to mature. I thought I had it figured out at 24, but grew the most the last couple of years. Get involved with church, it will surround you with people that are more mature than the general population, and that will help you grow. It’s really tough doing the right thing, but in the end you will respect yourself much more. Morality is one of the things I value the most in life. Live you life how you would want to teach your kids to live it. Would you want your daughter to be used before she got married?

Sina: taking the time to mature 😉
 
I would just like to add that I am a young Catholic woman who would love to find a man to date that wasn’t focusing merely on getting in my pants. Frankly, I’m quite tired of that and I want to concentrate on being soul mates, not bed mates, with a man until we are united in marriage.

And as for your friends making fun of you…well…sometimes your friends will stand behind the choices you make, and sometimes they won’t. Last fall, when I fell back into my faith for the final time and began to make real changes in my life I lost my best friend. We haven’t spoken in nearly six months now, and though it hurts, it also made me realize for the first time what it meant to be “in the world, but not of it.” Pray, take your comfort in Jesus, and look for friends who have similair views or who are tolerant about you having different views.
 
Catholics who practiced pre-marital sex, masturbation, contraception and the rest of the caboodle did so because they:
  1. Did not understand the theological basis of their faith as to why and how these practices do harm to their body and soul.
    or
  2. Understood these are harmful somehow but ignored the moral teachings of their Catholic faith in favor of the easier way out offered by a secular society. This is the case of nominal (“cafeteria type”) Catholics who embraced liberal relativism.
    I for one, once belonged to these kind of people but God brought me back at a great price. Even when I was already back, I still suffered the consequences of standing firm in my faith. Daily I still struggle with the demons who exactly know where my weaknesses are, hence the suffering. All I know is that God is near us, standing always by our side and guarding us from the enemy if we call on Him constantly in prayer and in the Sacrament.
    But in a world where suffering is inevitable, it is better to suffer doing justice to one’s faith than to suffer doing injustice.
    So be strong. You are not alone.
 
Having read Humane Vitae and JPII’s Theology of the Body I can understand why the Church teaches what it does.

I don’t know about anybody else, but I came away with the feeling that the Church really respects the dignity of sex between husband and wife.

The belief that sex is sacred really hit me when I read the documents.

The teaching on contraception really made sense, even if it is a hard teaching to follow, I can see the benefits. Most people these day’s treat sex as a pastime, and not the sacred union that it is.

However, when I discussed this with family they all said that I sound like a ‘bible basher’ and that I shouldn’t talk like that in public because people would I was wierd. Has anyone else experienced something like this?

I think in the future I will keep my views to myself because they wouldn’t understand anyway.
 
I’m taking your post at face value and am going to assume you are actually sincere; however, reading some of your other posts I’m led to believe your just trying to stir up trouble.

I’ll tell you this much, artificial birth control, especially the pill, is bad news. Any women should thank you for not wanting to be on. It messes up women’s hormones and actually suppresses a women’s sex drive. Then the women doesn’t want sex. Then she doesn’t want her husband. Then she and her husband both become very unhappy. Or else they have sex and she doesn’t get the full benefit out of it because her hormones are surpressed.
 
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