Sexual Intercourse with Unbelieving Wife

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Chortle

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My wife doesn’t believe in the teachings of the Catholic Church and, therefore, doesn’t believe in the practice of Natural Family Planning. When we have sex, she refuses to let me complete vaginal intercourse inside her because she doesn’t want to get pregnant.

However, from reading posts in these forums, I’m learning that the Church teaches that the husband must complete his sexual intercourse inside of the wife in order to be open to procreation. If this is truly the Church’s teaching and my wife won’t allow me to complete sexual intercourse inside of her, then must I abstain from sex with her?

I want to have sex with her because I believe that the sex act strengthens our emotional bond as husband and wife. I’m fairly certain that abstaining from sex would be harmful to our marriage.
 
That sounds like a very frustrating experience for both of you; not the ideal form of intimacy.

You are in the position of other posters who live with spouses who practice birth control. They are not in sin, as long as they continue to try to explain Catholic teachings to their spouse.
But there is no guarantee that the withdrawal method will prevent pregnancy. I believe it’s notorious for not working.

Why not invite her to a presentation on NFP – if she really doesn’t want to get pregnant, using NFP would work much more effectively than withdrawal. She might learn something there that would change her mind. Many people who are not Catholic use NFP for health reasons.
Good luck with your efforts to be faithful.
 
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Chortle:
My wife doesn’t believe in the teachings of the Catholic Church and, therefore, doesn’t believe in the practice of Natural Family Planning. When we have sex, she refuses to let me complete vaginal intercourse inside her because she doesn’t want to get pregnant.

However, from reading posts in these forums, I’m learning that the Church teaches that the husband must complete his sexual intercourse inside of the wife in order to be open to procreation. If this is truly the Church’s teaching and my wife won’t allow me to complete sexual intercourse inside of her, then must I abstain from sex with her?

I want to have sex with her because I believe that the sex act strengthens our emotional bond as husband and wife. I’m fairly certain that abstaining from sex would be harmful to our marriage.
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If its not proper sexual intercourse in the natural way, are you sure it serves to strengthen the bond? The point of sex is to procreate, not merely to pleasure one another.
 
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Magicsilence:
If its not proper sexual intercourse in the natural way, are you sure it serves to strengthen the bond? The point of sex is to procreate, not merely to pleasure one another.
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Here is a confused question. WOuldn’t he be sinning by not having sex with her? After all, the bible does say that the husband’s body belongs to the wife and the wife’s body belongs to the husband. (Can’t remember the exact verse)

Pulling out is not only frustrating but is a pretty poor form of birth control. Perhaps you could explain that the Catholic method is actually a much more sure way to avoid pregnancy.

Withdrawal has a 19%failure rate. Here is a site on NFP. I haven’t read over the whole site but it claims that NFP is 99% effective.

physiciansforlife.org/content/view/192/36
 
If she thinks the withdrawal method works, boy is she in for a surprise. Not only does it not work, our friend will wind up hopelessly unfulfilled and in a state of mortal sin.

I know everyone’s going to tell me the non-contracepting spouse can’t sin by performing the marital act with a contracepting spouse, but in this case, it’s difficult to imagine our friend here just stopping everything after his withdrawal, and it is certain he’ll fall into sin.

I’m curious if Chortle married in the Church and if they received any pre-marital instruction, or if they received the highly-diluted version that is almost universal today?

The risks of a mixed-marriage are just impossible for me to comprehend. The spouses are on such different playing fields. It seems the non-Catholic always has an unfair advantage, since so many of our ‘rules’ just don’t apply to them.
 
you really are in a difficult situation. the other posters are right in saying that you are permitted to have relations with your non Catholic contracepting spouse…as long as you are not cooperating in the contraception, they know you are against it and you continue to try to persuade them otherwise. im not positive that there isnt some level of cooperation with the “withdrawal” method, that is not something she can accomplish on her own wihtout your assistance.

i would look very closely at the Church’s teaching on this and try to prayerfully discern what role you may be playing. im not saying one way or the other, just that i think it needs to be scrutinized more due to the level of cooperation involved.

i guess i provided more questions than answers!! sorry! 🙂
 
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Magicsilence:
If its not proper sexual intercourse in the natural way, are you sure it serves to strengthen the bond? The point of sex is to procreate, not merely to pleasure one another.
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The Church teaches that sex has a dual purpose … procreative and unitive.
 
You cannot morally pull out because you would be the partner doing the contraceptive act. If she were on the pill or something, the fault would be hers, but since you phrase it as such, i assume that she’s not. I agree with the above poster who said that showing her the effectiveness of NFP vs. withdrawal may be the best approach. And of course, tons and tons of prayer.
 
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Chortle:
My wife doesn’t believe in the teachings of the Catholic Church and, therefore, doesn’t believe in the practice of Natural Family Planning. When we have sex, she refuses to let me complete vaginal intercourse inside her because she doesn’t want to get pregnant. .
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You do mean that she doesn’t want to get pregnant at the present time, don’t you? If not, you have a bigger problem than the one you have described.

Anna
 
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dafalax:
You cannot morally pull out because you would be the partner doing the contraceptive act. If she were on the pill or something, the fault would be hers, but since you phrase it as such, i assume that she’s not. I agree with the above poster who said that showing her the effectiveness of NFP vs. withdrawal may be the best approach. And of course, tons and tons of prayer.
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on the other hand, if he does not pull out when she expressly asked him to, he would be violating her wishes and directives during sexual intercourse.

that falls under the catagory of definitions listed in rape and/or sexual assault. sexual activities without consent are considered sexual assault. meaning, if she asks him not to touch a part of her and he does it anyway, he has assualted her.

hence if he ejaculates inside her without her consent, he does in fact commit sexual assault.

if it were the other way around with the HUSBAND wanting to pull out and the wife not wanting him to, he could do so because withdrawl is termination of the sexual act, and in essence does no harm to the wife because her wishes cannot extend to the body of her husband and how/when he terminates sex.

just something to think about.
 
He really is not having sexual “intercourse” with his wife anyway.
It is really merely foreplay to the point of “no return” - as he pulls out at the last minute.
This is akin really to other forms of foreplay that bring you to that point where you choose NOT to complete the act in the natural way.
Withdrawl is no different.

So when he wonders whether he should “continue” to have intercourse with his wife - he needs to understand that they are not having intercourse so there is nothing to “continue” here.

The real question that needs to be asked is if he should engage in sexual activity at all with his wife since she refuses to engage in the final act of intercourse.
She is merely helping bring her husband to the point of climax - and then forcing him to “spill his seed.”

He cannot morally participate in what they have established to date between them. (Since he is desiring to do the right and moral thing here).
 
Considering the fact that withdrawal is frustrating for both parties, I have to wonder why she doesn’t simply go on the pill.
 
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LovedOne:
He really is not having sexual “intercourse” with his wife anyway.
It is really merely foreplay to the point of “no return” - as he pulls out at the last minute.
This is akin really to other forms of foreplay that bring you to that point where you choose NOT to complete the act in the natural way.
Withdrawl is no different.

So when he wonders whether he should “continue” to have intercourse with his wife - he needs to understand that they are not having intercourse so there is nothing to “continue” here.

The real question that needs to be asked is if he should engage in sexual activity at all with his wife since she refuses to engage in the final act of intercourse.
She is merely helping bring her husband to the point of climax - and then forcing him to “spill his seed.”

He cannot morally participate in what they have established to date between them. (Since he is desiring to do the right and moral thing here).
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:clapping: VERY well said!
 
This is a horrible situation, and there is no easy solution. BUT communication is the key. He has to let his wife know exactly what the situation is, and they need to come to mutual agreement.

The wife as 2 choices, she can do the Church approved family planning thing, OR she can choose to use a contraceptive BUT it has to be her choice even though she knows the Church offcially does not approve.

The husband must expressly state that he wants the wife to use the NFP method or that he wants to make children. IF the wife insists on using her birth control, that is her choice. It must always be the wife’s choice to use the birth control not his.
 
Would it not be more advisable to let her contracept if she feels that way, and let the sin fall on her?

Not pushing for that, since NFP and understanding are the keys, but for instance, I know of women who are faced with a man who refuses to not use a condom, and so the women express their displeasure with this. By doign this, they themselves are STILL open to the possibility of life.

Pulling out kinda of makes that possibility harder to justify. Tough situation either way, but pulling out against your will is no different than wearing a condom.

Let HER be the one to alter Church teaching if she must.
 
I have 2 questions relating to the same topic being discussed here.
Is it OK according to Church’s teaching to go into a sexual act
between husband and wife and then withdraw before spilling
as long as the spilling of the seed does not take place?
Even this is so hard!
Is it that one has to go all the way and deposit once the act has commenced?
Whats wrong with that scenario?

People who are practising NFP, if you are youner than 40 yrs,
How do you counter an urge to have sex while wife is
ovulating? What can be done on a practical level?
Sincere openions from ones experience would be appreciated!

Also people’s sexual desires are so varied
Some people with fewer testoterones will be able to control
sexual desires easier. Some may not even want to have sex at all.
Eg those who have issues with erection or with sexual deformity
That would give them an better opportunity to live holier lives
Am I wrong?
 
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cmgeo:
People who are practising NFP, if you are youner than 40 yrs,
How do you counter an urge to have sex while wife is
ovulating? What can be done on a practical level?
Sincere openions from ones experience would be appreciated!

?
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I have never practiced NFP but I think that I can answer your question. If I am not mistaken the amount of time that you go without sex is only a matter of days. I would think that a person who could not control themselves for a few days would be a poor choice for a mate. I don’t think that this is an issue of libido or lack of it but of self control and respect for the other person.
 
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deb1:
I have never practiced NFP but I think that I can answer your question. If I am not mistaken the amount of time that you go without sex is only a matter of days. I would think that a person who could not control themselves for a few days would be a poor choice for a mate. I don’t think that this is an issue of libido or lack of it but of self control and respect for the other person.
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I would appreciate answers from married and below 40 year olds
Passing judgement is the easiest thing to do.
If you are not married then I dont think you can really offer any positive practical suggestions.
I am asking for some one below 40 because I want to know
how some one is active sexually can handle this scenario
 
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