Sexual morality within marriage

[Amanda_B]

I hope this conversation topic isn’t too graphic, but I have been wondering about this for a long whole and can never get a satisfactory answer. I’m basically wondering if the catholic church teaches anything on the topic of sexual morality within the context of marriage, or whether, if a couple has a sacramental marriage, they can essentially “do whatever they like” for lack of a better term, in their sex life together. For instance, I for some reason assumed that the church would disapprove of oral sex both outside of and within marriage, but a while back I heard a woman call in a catholic answers radio program with that question and I believe the host responded that it was ok within marriage. Also, I had always assumed that “kinky sex”, again for a lack of a better term, I.e., a couple handcuffing/blindfolding/being violent/etc, to one another during sexual intercourse was a distortion of the sexual act as conceived by God, and that it would be disapproved of by way of the fact that acting in that manner seems to turn sex into an end in itself rather than a means to an end (I.e., procreation and the giving of oneself to another). However I’ve had this discussion with other Catholics who sternly disagree, and say that once you are married the catholic church does not lay down “rules for the bedroom”.
My conclusions about sexual ethics within marriage have always been based on supposition alone and when I have tried to look into this topic I usually always come across documents that discuss sexual morality within marriage in the context of remaining faithful to one’s partner and being open to children (that part I already knew). Does anyone know if participating in the type of sexual behavior that I have mentioned would be considered improper, even if done in marriage?

 

[Amanda_B]

Ps sorry for the typos I’m posting from my iPhone while in class, hard to type

 

[Allegra]

I hope this conversation topic isn’t too graphic, but I have been wondering about this for a long whole and can never get a satisfactory answer. I’m basically wondering if the catholic church teaches anything on the topic of sexual morality within the context of marriage, or whether, if a couple has a sacramental marriage, they can essentially “do whatever they like” for lack of a better term, in their sex life together. For instance, I for some reason assumed that the church would disapprove of oral sex both outside of and within marriage, but a while back I heard a woman call in a catholic answers radio program with that question and I believe the host responded that it was ok within marriage. Also, I had always assumed that “kinky sex”, again for a lack of a better term, I.e., a couple handcuffing/blindfolding/being violent/etc, to one another during sexual intercourse was a distortion of the sexual act as conceived by God, and that it would be disapproved of by way of the fact that acting in that manner seems to turn sex into an end in itself rather than a means to an end (I.e., procreation and the giving of oneself to another). However I’ve had this discussion with other Catholics who sternly disagree, and say that once you are married the catholic church does not lay down “rules for the bedroom”.
My conclusions about sexual ethics within marriage have always been based on supposition alone and when I have tried to look into this topic I usually always come across documents that discuss sexual morality within marriage in the context of remaining faithful to one’s partner and being open to children (that part I already knew). Does anyone know if participating in the type of sexual behavior that I have mentioned would be considered improper, even if done in marriage?

In marriage, sexual intercourse has to be both procreative and unitive, according to the church. Whoever told you that “anything goes” was quite wrong. There are several good books on the subject.

 

[Infiltrator]

Well sodomy is a sin - even in marriage, even between a man and a woman…

 

[Aelred_Minor]

Sexual acts within marriage need to end the natural way that is open to life. Beyond that the Church generally leaves it up to the spouses to discern what is moderate and respectful.

 

[Catholic90]

It has to end with Part A in Part B, but in between that, many things work as foreplay. As long as both parties agree and the acts are not demeaning to either one, there is a wide area for foreplay. There is no “magic line” that says “kissing has to stop at this location” or “don’t touch that body part with that body part”! Just be sure to end with Part A in Part B, therefore being open to life.

 

[Spera_in_Deo]

I am a Catholic married to the same woman for 45 years. During our marriage I have had the occasion to question the morality and acceptability of various acts during sexual activity with my wife. In attempting to answer these questions I have consulted with diocesan priestly theologians and ethicists as well as my parish priest. My understanding is as follows.

Obviously, any sexual activity between married couples must be acceptable and not demeaning or physically hurtful to either of the partners.

After taking that into consideration, what is acceptable?

It is my understanding that foreplay, such as fellatio or cunnilingus for example is not prohibited. However, this type of activity, or any other engaged in, must not be the culmination of the sexual encounter of the married couple. The culmination of the act must be one that is open to procreation! This would, obviously, exclude oral, anal, etc. sexual activity from being the culmination of the sex act. If not obvious, culmination is defined as the male attaining orgasm with expulsion of sperm.

Of course, non sinful sexual activity, per biblical prohibition, always excludes acts of homosexuality, bestiality, orgies, etc. that a couple might engage in prior to or as a part of their own sexual activity.

Finally, an interesting factor you may wish to consider is the following. What happens when a woman reaches the age where she is incapable of conceiving children? Shouldn’t her husband be allowed to reach orgasm in a manner that is not open to procreation?

The answer is NO!

The act of sexual intercourse, as created by God, was always, and remains, an act intended to express and His love for us as well as we use it to express our love for Him and for our spouses. Therefore, we need to continue to exhibit our love for Him by culminating our sexual activity with our spouse in a manner that reflects that love by adhering to His intent for the sexual act.

I hope that this may be of some help. However, this can be a difficult matter to comprehend at any age. I am not a youngster - and I am still learning!

God Bless.

 

[Joe_5859]

It is not the case that “anything goes” once one is married.

Of course, every marital act must be open to life. This means that (as those above have said) everything must culminate in the natural way.

There is some disagreement about some of the specifics, though. Some think that, so long as things end with all the parts lined up, (almost) anything goes with regards to foreplay. There are those who disagree and think that certain acts can never be licit even when used solely as foreplay. As far as I know, the Church hasn’t come down definitively on one side or the other.

 

[mwncheesehead]

For instance, I for some reason assumed that the church would disapprove of oral sex both outside of and within marriage, but a while back I heard a woman call in a catholic answers radio program with that question and I believe the host responded that it was ok within marriage. Also, I had always assumed that “kinky sex”, again for a lack of a better term, I.e., a couple handcuffing/blindfolding/being violent/etc, to one another during sexual intercourse was a distortion of the sexual act as conceived by God

Amanda, the other posters did well in explaining the situation. I just wanted to comment on your two questions regarding so-called oral sex and kinky sex. I’m guessing that the radio host meant that “oral stimuation” is acceptable for either the husband or wife so long as the male climaxes within the female. “Oral sex” is a secular term that usually means the act is completed outside normal intercourse. As a matter of opinion I’d agree with you that “kinky” sex as you described would be a distortion of sex as God intended it and can cause the spouses to objectify each other. There’s been many forums here that have debated the existense of lust within marriage.