You said everything that is my head. I feel sad for this. I feel sad for the fact I cannot constitute a family in the future and that I will die alone. That’s the worst thing that can ever come to my mind.
Hello, my dear brother in Christ!
Please allow me to give you the tiniest glimmer of hope.
Beginning in the early 1990’s, I lived as a lesbian and considered myself such for about 10 years. I had a couple serious relationships, one that lasted 8 years, and we even “married” (not legally in those days). I marched in the parades, sang and spoke at the rallies, volunteered at the centers. I was out, loud, and proud – and I made it clear to everyone that I was “born that way” and could never change. I was outside the Church during this time.
But I did. No silver bullet, no method or system, no sudden turning point. But after ten years of living that life, I left it, civilly married a childhood male (!) friend, and after a couple months of marriage realized that I had NO interest in women anymore. This is certainly the short story, but the upshot of it is that I have no traces of same-sex-attraction anymore.
My husband and I divorced after only 4 years of marriage. To be fair, I knew he didn’t want to be married before I married him; and I only married him because he felt “safe” and I wanted to have a child. Our intimate life was never good, but we did have a child, and I still don’t have any SSA.
I have a couple of points here:
First, you may change in the future. Only God knows. But don’t believe the “born that way” propaganda. Get a good spiritual director. Maybe talk with a Catholic therapist about any childhood issues (in my case my childhood included dealing with family alcoholism and pornography addiction). Get involved in your parish and begin to develop strong friendships. Stay open to what God has in mind for you.
Second, even some of us heterosexuals do not have a hopeful future with regard to marriage. I mean, I’m 47, my son is only 10, and the last thing he needs is a step-father. He’s shown me that in so many ways. By the time he graduates from high school, I’ll be in my mid-50s – and I’m just not seeing a lot of marriageable men in my future at that point. As I see it, YOU have a more hopeful future for companionship than I do!
All that being said, my life is full and rich and very, very good. I’ve accepted that I may be “alone” for the rest of my life once my son leaves home, especially if God calls my son to the priesthood or monastic life (as I suspect He may). But I’m ok with that and wouldn’t go back to my messed up past for anything!
Get that support system set up in your life – spiritual director/confessor, circle of friends, and maybe a Catholic counselor/therapist.
God bless you, dear one! You will be in my prayers.
Gertie
