Sexual past

[bernadettefaith]

Neither of us has a past. I don’t regret it but my husband does. At least in a way, he wonders what another woman would be like. He’s having problems with the relationship in general though. I’m not sure that he always felt this way.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Neither of us has a past. I don’t regret it but my husband does. At least in a way, he wonders what another woman would be like. He’s having problems with the relationship in general though. I’m not sure that he always felt this way.

I am really sorry, I can’t imagine how that must feel. Obviously it wouldn’t bother me if my husband had been with someone before me, but it would crush me if he told me that he wishes he had.

 

[on_the_hill]

I am really sorry, I can’t imagine how that must feel. Obviously it wouldn’t bother me if my husband had been with someone before me, but it would crush me if he told me that he wishes he had.

Yeah, that’s not a good thing.

 

[Caroline723]

How about this one:

We were both serious practicing Catholics. Met at church. I loved him deeply, was certain he was “the one”. So I crossed a line I never thought would even be a temptation to cross.

My take: we were two catholics wanting a pure relationship. we could rebound, go to confession, and get back on the right path.

His take: I was spoiled and he wanted to marry a virgin.

Years later, I can’t forgive myself, or think about him without feeling such sharp sense of shame.

 

[bernadettefaith]

I am really sorry, I can’t imagine how that must feel. Obviously it wouldn’t bother me if my husband had been with someone before me, but it would crush me if he told me that he wishes he had.

Yeah it is hurtful. I have a whole long thread about relationship issues. Definitely not a fun place to be. He’s basically convinced the grass is greener because he hasn’t seen what else is out there.

 

[Bruised_Reed]

How about this one:

We were both serious practicing Catholics. Met at church. I loved him deeply, was certain he was “the one”. So I crossed a line I never thought would even be a temptation to cross.

My take: we were two catholics wanting a pure relationship. we could rebound, go to confession, and get back on the right path.

His take: I was spoiled and he wanted to marry a virgin.

Years later, I can’t forgive myself, or think about him without feeling such sharp sense of shame.

I’m very sorry that you were treated with such disrespect and that it has caused you so much pain. What he did was shameful. That you are the one who feels unforgivable or shamed breaks my heart.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

Neither of us has a past. I don’t regret it but my husband does. At least in a way, he wonders what another woman would be like. He’s having problems with the relationship in general though. I’m not sure that he always felt this way.

That was always one of the big points I’d hear from other guys. “Don’t you ever wonder about all you missed out on? Don’t you wonder what it would be like with someone else? How do you know she’s any good?” I took a step back one day and realized that the only time I even entertained those ideas was when I was around them. The next time one of them brought it up I turned it around and asked him, “Don’t you ever wonder what it would have been like if you could honestly tell her she’s the only you were ever with? Don’t you wonder what it would be like not having to worry about whether she was thinking about someone else or comparing you to some other guy?” It turns out he did. He and his wife both had extensive pasts and anytime she introduced him to an old friend he couldn’t help wondering if she’d slept with him. She was the same way with him. It caused tons of problems in their marriage and when things got really nasty, they’d bring up past flings and tell each other that they didn’t measure up to this or that partner. I’m not saying that everyone I know who entered their marriage with a past has had issues. Lots of them have, some haven’t and some haven’t simply because one of the two has done a good job lying about it. I think there are a lot more good reasons to stay chaste until marriage than to gather all sorts of experiences and the baggage that goes along with them.

 

[Mount_Carmel]

How about this one:

We were both serious practicing Catholics. Met at church. I loved him deeply, was certain he was “the one”. So I crossed a line I never thought would even be a temptation to cross.

My take: we were two catholics wanting a pure relationship. we could rebound, go to confession, and get back on the right path.

His take: I was spoiled and he wanted to marry a virgin.

Years later, I can’t forgive myself, or think about him without feeling such sharp sense of shame.

It seems that his judgment of you was about him, his wants, no room in his heart for forgiveness - thank God that God is not like that.

I am reminded of Luke 18:9-14 - the story of the tax collector and the Pharisee.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

My take: we were two catholics wanting a pure relationship. we could rebound, go to confession, and get back on the right path.

His take: I was spoiled and he wanted to marry a virgin.

Years later, I can’t forgive myself, or think about him without feeling such sharp sense of shame.

From your post, I can’t tell if he actually said that, or it’s what you think he feels.

Personally, I believe that anyone that is virgin has a right to expect the same from their spouse. At the same time, I also don’t necessarily believe that one should be inflexible on the matter because in this day and age it means tremendously shrinking the number of number of compatible people from the marriage pool.

So I don’t object to virgins only dating/marrying virgins. But I do object to the “spoiled” mentality, since it’s the equivalent of throwing the first stone.

As far as not being able to forgive yourself, that thought should forever leave your mind. We all make mistakes; the key is how you learn from, and subsequently handle, those mistakes. You should not let one’s degrading opinion of your mistake bother you for one moment. Your’re not the one with the problem; he is.

 

[on_the_hill]

Personally, I believe that anyone that is virgin has a right to expect the same from their spouse.

I think there have to be qualifications to this expectation: First, if Bob expects a virgin then Bob oughtn’t engage with Susie if Susie isn’t a virgin. Same goes for Susie. If she wants a virgin, then don’t go after Bob if he isn’t.

If they’re both virgins and they have relations with each other then all bets are off, the window closes, and both forever forfeit their rights of expectation.

If one remains a virgin and the other cheats, then forget about expectations, the relationship is at an end without some serious contrition and reconciliation.

 

[Tempelritter]

I don’t understand the basis for this celibacy fixation. I see it in about the same frequency in Catholic and Protestant circles, yet there’s no scriptural mandate for it. The Bible doesn’t forbid premarital sex - perhaps the Church does, but that’s an aside. Certain sexual acts (homosexuality, incest, etc.) are specifically condemned as sinful, and I would accept that not “sleeping around” is advisable as a question of morality and respectability, but there’s nothing that necessitates those in committed relationships can’t have sex. That said, we must acknowledge that life begins at conception, and that no form of contraception is foolproof, and so the possibility of pregnancies, as well as other collaterals such as diseases, should inform an individual’s decision to become sexually active. I’m not turned off by someone for the fact that they have a “sexual past”; if that militated against finding a girl, then I suspect I could just give up now.

 

[on_the_hill]

I don’t understand the basis for this celibacy fixation. I see it in about the same frequency in Catholic and Protestant circles, yet there’s no scriptural mandate for it. The Bible doesn’t forbid premarital sex - perhaps the Church does, but that’s an aside. Certain sexual acts (homosexuality, incest, etc.) are specifically condemned as sinful, and I would accept that not “sleeping around” is advisable as a question of morality and respectability, but there’s nothing that necessitates those in committed relationships can’t have sex. That said, we must acknowledge that life begins at conception, and that no form of contraception is foolproof, and so the possibility of pregnancies, as well as other collaterals such as diseases, should inform an individual’s decision to become sexually active. I’m not turned off by someone for the fact that they have a “sexual past”; if that militated against finding a girl, then I suspect I could just give up now.

I lean closer to your interpretation than the other, but your opening statement will surely draw arguments that celibacy and chastity are, in fact, demanded.

For my part, I was neither prior to marriage, so I’m not one to post those arguments.

 

[MJJean]

I have mixed feelings.

I had an extensive sexual past and so did my husband. Because of those experiences we felt comfortable that we were compatible and that we’d found our best matches physically, emotionally, and intellectually. We knew what else was out there and we knew there was something special about each other, for lack of a better way to explain it.

I never felt used or that there was any lack of connection as some others have reported. In some relationships, I was simply enjoying male companionship and physical pleasure so I didn’t want any kind of connection beyond that. In other relationships there was caring and closeness and I was comfortable with the connection my partner and I had.

Part of me wishes my husband and I saved ourselves for each other and part of me is happy we did not so that we aren’t making ourselves and each other crazy wondering what others were like and regretting what we didn’t do.

 

[blessedwith3]

I think there have to be qualifications to this expectation: First, if Bob expects a virgin then Bob oughtn’t engage with Susie if Susie isn’t a virgin. Same goes for Susie. If she wants a virgin, then don’t go after Bob if he isn’t.

If they’re both virgins and they have relations with each other then all bets are off, the window closes, and both forever forfeit their rights of expectation.

If one remains a virgin and the other cheats, then forget about expectations, the relationship is at an end without some serious contrition and reconciliation.

Analyze his one. I married a virgin although I was not. My spouse never let me forget how me not being a virgin really affected him, years after our marriage he cheated on me. So I wasn’t a virgin, but he has been my only since marriage. He was a virgin and I have not been his only. Which is worse?

 

[BlueEyedLady]

How about this one:

We were both serious practicing Catholics. Met at church. I loved him deeply, was certain he was “the one”. So I crossed a line I never thought would even be a temptation to cross.

My take: we were two catholics wanting a pure relationship. we could rebound, go to confession, and get back on the right path.

His take: I was spoiled and he wanted to marry a virgin.

Years later, I can’t forgive myself, or think about him without feeling such sharp sense of shame.

You should do more than forgive yourself, you should give thanks that this young man’s deep character flaw came to light before you married him! Imagine what kind of awful person it must take to do X with someone, and then decide that that person is beneath them because they engaged in X activity. This doesn’t just happen with sex, people get upset about this all the time. Two people will cheat on a test together and then one of them starts looking down on the other for being a cheat! Deep character flaws indeed.

 

[MJJean]

Analyze his one. I married a virgin although I was not. My spouse never let me forget how me not being a virgin really affected him, years after our marriage he cheated on me. So I wasn’t a virgin, but he has been my only since marriage. He was a virgin and I have not been his only. Which is worse?

Totally raw and unbiased opinion? He’s worse. He broke sacred vows, broke up a family, etc. To me that’s a much bigger deal than an encounter before marriage that presumably didn’t harm anyone especially children.

 

[Emese]

How about this one:

We were both serious practicing Catholics. Met at church. I loved him deeply, was certain he was “the one”. So I crossed a line I never thought would even be a temptation to cross.

My take: we were two catholics wanting a pure relationship. we could rebound, go to confession, and get back on the right path.

His take: I was spoiled and he wanted to marry a virgin.

Years later, I can’t forgive myself, or think about him without feeling such sharp sense of shame.

Caroline, I think you had a lucky escape. God works in misterious ways, I think it was a true Blessing in disguise that he’s moved out of your life. I know it sounds odd, but it seems that what you did has actually protected you from a much bigger disaster, possibly from a disastrous marriage.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Totally raw and unbiased opinion? He’s worse. He broke sacred vows, broke up a family, etc. To me that’s a much bigger deal than an encounter before marriage that presumably didn’t harm anyone especially children.

There really is no comparison. I can’t think of much worse than falling in love with someone, looking them in the eye and taking lifelong vows, building a life with them, and then dishonoring all of that and shattering your spouse’s heart with infidelity.

 

[bernadettefaith]

There really is no comparison. I can’t think of much worse than falling in love with someone, looking them in the eye and taking lifelong vows, building a life with them, and then dishonoring all of that and shattering your spouse’s heart with infidelity.

This exactly!

 

[Luvz2travel]

My husband was my first and only. If you have a sexual past do you regret it? My friends often tell me I “missed out” on sleeping with other men.

Never been married but when guys find out you have no past they cease to be interested.