Sexual Past

[underacloud]

At six months?

Yes. My wife and I were engaged at about six months; many are even quicker. If it’s serious enough, regardless of timing, these conversations need to happen.

Talking about it is sexualizing the relationship as much as physically doing it.

Nonsense. Chastity, within marriage and outside of it, is a very important issue that mature people can and ought to discuss.

In the modern dating world, if a Catholic intent on practising chastity does not speak up they can find themself in the way of temptation pretty quickly. Maybe such a situation was a catalyst for the OP discussing this issue with this girl?

All the OP is focusing on is sex.

You have no basis to say this. This post happens to be about that particular topic, but you know nothing else of their relationship.

… Rather than the path it’s heading down now which would basically communicate, " you are too dirty for me based on sex" — not very dignified — and doesn’t make the OP look good either.

Or…“our attitudes towards chastity do not seem compatible”.

 

[ToeInTheWater]

In the modern dating world, if a Catholic intent on practising chastity does not speak up they can find themself in the way of temptation pretty quickly. Maybe such a situation was a catalyst for the OP discussing this issue with this girl?

I agree with this. Although many Catholics on CAF obsess over virginity, and there are very conservative Evangelicals who find even premarital kissing to be unchaste, the “modern dating world” sees sex as really not much more significant than kissing, it’s a given that “dating” equals “sexual relationship”, and see no point in being “more than friends” if that doesn’t involve sex.

So, if the OP’s GF has such an attitude, then it’s very important to clarify these issues. Also, while many people desperate for a relationship are willing to date people who disagree about sexual morality “as long as s/he respects me enough to wait for marriage”, I assume that for most Catholics, marriage equals children. (I say most, to account for those suffering from the cross of infertility). So, even if the GF is willing to be chaste with the OP out of respect for his morals, most likely, if the GF sees nothing wrong with premarital sex, that is what she will teach her children.

There’s even a poster here who states she would teach her children not only to have sex before marriage, but to NOT date anyone who wouldn’t have sex with them. I doubt the OP would want himself in a situation, where there is disagreement over what to teach the children about sex and relationships.

I think this is more of the issue than whether the GF is physically a virgin or not.

 

[Norseman82]

At six months? We are always told to evangelize by living our faith. Living our faith is lifting people to heaven. This girl has an opportunity to see what God designed for men and women.

You don’t need to marry someone to do that. In fact, marrying someone in the hopes of converting him/her (sometimes called “missionary dating”) is generally considered not a good idea; in fact, there was a caution against it in one of the Basltimore Catechism versions.

 

[PrayerShark]

underacloud:

It would also be quite unfair to this girl to hide these strong feelings he has, which could have major impact as their relationship develops. She has every right too to decide not to date someone who can’t cope with her past and/or her current attitudes. It’s not just about him “rejecting” her because of her past, but there’s a real question of whether their expectations and attitudes are compatible.

I think this is the most sensible advice given so far and I implore the OP to consider this if he already hasn’t.

The OP also speaks of forgiving her - forgive her for what though? She hasn’t doesn’t done anything to him that warrants his forgiveness! One could turn the tables back on the OP and ask the question what does she need to forgive him for? I fear the OP wishes to assume the judgement seat of God and have the girl feel ashamed of her past to make himself feel better.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

If you guys have different sexual values while your celibate, just imagine how much worse things will be when you’re married, having sex, and she wants to use birth control. This really isn’t an area you can compromise in. Move on.

 

[on_the_hill]

All the OP is focusing on is sex.

At least in this thread, he is. And that doesn’t bode well for the future.

The OP also speaks of forgiving her - forgive her for what though?

Right. Forgive her for not remaining chaste, I guess.

It’s just a matter of time before he wants to know more than she’ll want to tell him. And that doesn’t bode well for the future. Jealousy takes many forms.

 

[twf]

I agree with others who have said past sexual history should not be a deal breaker. If she had previou sexual partners, but has repented of those sexual sins, that should not be an issue. On the other hand, if she has not repented then her views on sexual immorality could become an issue in the present / future. It is the present and future, not the past, that matters here.
My wife had a sexual partner years before I met her, but that was actually before she was baptized. As far as I was concerned, going into our marriage, she was a virgin.