Sexual Past

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benvido79

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Right now I’m struggling a bit with the vice of jealously and insecurity stemming from my girlfriend’s sexual past that I recently learned about. She has had a few partners, I’m still a virgin. I’m aware the hurt I’m experiencing from this is an opportunity for redemptive suffering and am seeking advice on how to offer this up… Additionally, we’ve never really had a conversation about how I’m processing this information and I’m not sure how to go about bringing it up in conversation or what the objective of it would really be. I think she can sense something is bothering me, but I haven’t openly talked with her about it yet because I’m unsure of what to say. I aspire to be forgiving and not hold it against her yet don’t feel I can be happy and move on without addressing it first.

We have different viewpoints on sexual morality to begin with and while she has been supportive of a chaste relationship, I’m concerned about our differences. I find JPII’s TOB to be a beautiful articulation of sexual morality and purpose, but I don’t think she shares this sentiment. I really do love and care for her, but am just confused about how to work on bridging the moral and emotional gap together that we’ve recently encountered. Any advice, (name removed by moderator)ut and or prayers would be greatly appreciated!

God bless!
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benvido79 said:
Right now I’m struggling a bit with the vice of jealously and insecurity stemming from my girlfriend’s sexual past that I recently learned about. She has had a few partners, I’m still a virgin. I’m aware the hurt I’m experiencing from this is an opportunity for redemptive suffering and am seeking advice on how to offer this up… Additionally, we’ve never really had a conversation about how I’m processing this information and I’m not sure how to go about bringing it up in conversation or what the objective of it would really be. I think she can sense something is bothering me, but I haven’t openly talked with her about it yet because I’m unsure of what to say. I aspire to be forgiving and not hold it against her yet don’t feel I can be happy and move on without addressing it first.

We have different viewpoints on sexual morality to begin with and while she has been supportive of a chaste relationship, I’m concerned about our differences. I find JPII’s TOB to be a beautiful articulation of sexual morality and purpose, but I don’t think she shares this sentiment. I really do love and care for her, but am just confused about how to work on bridging the moral and emotional gap together that we’ve recently encountered. Any advice, (name removed by moderator)ut and or prayers would be greatly appreciated!

God bless!
B
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The bolded is actually the more concerning part in my view. How long have you been dating? What is your goal while dating? What is hers?
 
benvido79 said:
Right now I’m struggling a bit with the vice of jealously and insecurity stemming from my girlfriend’s sexual past that I recently learned about. She has had a few partners, I’m still a virgin. I’m aware the hurt I’m experiencing from this is an opportunity for redemptive suffering and am seeking advice on how to offer this up… Additionally, we’ve never really had a conversation about how I’m processing this information and I’m not sure how to go about bringing it up in conversation or what the objective of it would really be. I think she can sense something is bothering me, but I haven’t openly talked with her about it yet because I’m unsure of what to say. I aspire to be forgiving and not hold it against her yet don’t feel I can be happy and move on without addressing it first.

We have different viewpoints on sexual morality to begin with and while she has been supportive of a chaste relationship, I’m concerned about our differences. I find JPII’s TOB to be a beautiful articulation of sexual morality and purpose, but I don’t think she shares this sentiment. I really do love and care for her, but am just confused about how to work on bridging the moral and emotional gap together that we’ve recently encountered. Any advice, (name removed by moderator)ut and or prayers would be greatly appreciated!

God bless!
B
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How old are you. The responses should depend on the answer.
 
pensmama87 said:
The bolded is actually the more concerning part in my view. How long have you been dating? What is your goal while dating? What is hers?
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I was going to say the same thing. Her past is not the problem so much as the present. The fact that you are on different pages regarding sexual morality is something you need to address. Are you both Catholic?
 
Yes we are both Catholic. We’ve been friends for a few years and began dating roughly 6 months ago.
 
Sounds like you need to talk to her about this. I would say approach it as charitably as possible. Have you told her about how you feel about St. JPII’s TOB?

Maybe the two of you can talk and you can find out why she feels the way she does about sexual morality? Then, you can discuss where you differ and why. Maybe that would help bridge the gap.

Do the two of you go to Mass together on Sundays? Perhaps that might help.
 
Yes we do attend Mass together and its a conversation I want to have/know we need to, but I just don’t know how to broach the topic exactly… essentially, I’m not sure if its an ultimatum type conversation/situation, or something we continually discuss and how much time that should take…

Thanks to those who have provided (name removed by moderator)ut, I appreciate it!
 
benvido79 said:
Yes we do attend Mass together and its a conversation I want to have/know we need to, but I just don’t know how to broach the topic exactly… essentially, I’m not sure if its an ultimatum type conversation/situation, or something we continually discuss and how much time that should take…

Thanks to those who have provided (name removed by moderator)ut, I appreciate it!
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In a marriage, artificial birth control is a sin. Different views on sexual morality would be the biggest red flag for your future marriage and family… It will be the single biggest source of contention.

Have you talked about marital relations and the spacing of children?
 
benvido79 said:
Yes we do attend Mass together and its a conversation I want to have/know we need to, but I just don’t know how to broach the topic exactly… essentially, I’m not sure if its an ultimatum type conversation/situation, or something we continually discuss and how much time that should take…

Thanks to those who have provided (name removed by moderator)ut, I appreciate it!
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I suppose you need to decide if her view of sexual morality is something you can live with. I know you have been dating for six months, but if this relationship is going to be serious and moving towards marriage, then I think that is something that you both need to be on the same page about.

For example, in marriage, ABC is prohibited, unless for a good medical reason. You can use NFP in marriage.
 
Graceful_Lamb said:
I suppose you need to decide if her view of sexual morality is something you can live with. I know you have been dating for six months, but if this relationship is going to be serious and moving towards marriage, then I think that is something that you both need to be on the same page about.

For example, in marriage, ABC is prohibited, unless for a good medical reason. You can use NFP in marriage.
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ABC is prohibited period. The drug can be used to treat other things with the side effect of being a birth control. But you cannot use it explicitly to prevent pregnancy no matter what.

…
With the POSSIBLE exception of Zika. 🤷
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
ABC is prohibited period. The drug can be used to treat other things with the side effect of being a birth control. But you cannot use it explicitly to prevent pregnancy no matter what.
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That is what I meant but didn’t say it very well.
 
benvido79 said:
Right now I’m struggling a bit with the vice of jealously and insecurity stemming from my girlfriend’s sexual past that I recently learned about. She has had a few partners, I’m still a virgin. I’m aware the hurt I’m experiencing from this is an opportunity for redemptive suffering and am seeking advice on how to offer this up… Additionally, we’ve never really had a conversation about how I’m processing this information and I’m not sure how to go about bringing it up in conversation or what the objective of it would really be. I think she can sense something is bothering me, but I haven’t openly talked with her about it yet because I’m unsure of what to say. I aspire to be forgiving and not hold it against her yet don’t feel I can be happy and move on without addressing it first.

We have different viewpoints on sexual morality to begin with and while she has been supportive of a chaste relationship, I’m concerned about our differences. I find JPII’s TOB to be a beautiful articulation of sexual morality and purpose, but I don’t think she shares this sentiment. I really do love and care for her, but am just confused about how to work on bridging the moral and emotional gap together that we’ve recently encountered. Any advice, (name removed by moderator)ut and or prayers would be greatly appreciated!

God bless!
B
Click to expand...
The sexual past is less of a problem than the fact that she has a different view on sexual morality.
The fact that she made mistakes in the past, in and of itself, should be of no consequence. Everybody sins in different ways and nobody is perfect. If she is with you now and has been to confession then I don’t see why it should pose a problem. I should definitely be discussed. I’d say you should just bring it up and tell her straight.
The concerning thing is if she has a different view of sexual morality then she may not view what she did as wrong, in which case it might be necessary to let her go.
 
AdamPeter said:
The concerning thing is if she has a different view of sexual morality then she may not view what she did as wrong, in which case it might be necessary to let her go.
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Yes, this would be very concerning - a dealbreaker I’d suggest.

The fact that she had “a few” previous sexual partners and has “different viewpoints” on sexual morality does not on face value suggest this girl is a suitable spouse for you.
 
AdamPeter said:
The sexual past is less of a problem than the fact that she has a different view on sexual morality.
The fact that she made mistakes in the past, in and of itself, should be of no consequence. Everybody sins in different ways and nobody is perfect. If she is with you now and has been to confession then I don’t see why it should pose a problem. I should definitely be discussed. I’d say you should just bring it up and tell her straight.
The concerning thing is if she has a different view of sexual morality then she may not view what she did as wrong, in which case it might be necessary to let her go.
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yes, this exactly.

there is a world of difference between mesing up and being remorseful, perhaps of not really understanding the church’s teaching on sexuality, or some such reason and “meh, it wasn’t really a big deal, the church should loosen up”

the former happens to all of us in one way or another, the latter is quite a red flag for a relationship

there is not really much detail from your post though. we don’t know exactly what it is that she disagrees with

I think the conversation definitely needs to happen eventually but just don’t be confrontational about it. discussing TOB might be a good place to start. have her read it, or attend an event with you or something, then discuss it in a casual way to see where she really stands
 
benvido79 said:
Right now I’m struggling a bit with the vice of jealously and insecurity stemming from my girlfriend’s sexual past that I recently learned about. She has had a few partners, I’m still a virgin. I’m aware the hurt I’m experiencing from this is an opportunity for redemptive suffering and am seeking advice on how to offer this up… Additionally, we’ve never really had a conversation about how I’m processing this information and I’m not sure how to go about bringing it up in conversation or what the objective of it would really be. I think she can sense something is bothering me, but I haven’t openly talked with her about it yet because I’m unsure of what to say. I aspire to be forgiving and not hold it against her yet don’t feel I can be happy and move on without addressing it first.

We have different viewpoints on sexual morality to begin with and while she has been supportive of a chaste relationship, I’m concerned about our differences. I find JPII’s TOB to be a beautiful articulation of sexual morality and purpose, but I don’t think she shares this sentiment. I really do love and care for her, but am just confused about how to work on bridging the moral and emotional gap together that we’ve recently encountered. Any advice, (name removed by moderator)ut and or prayers would be greatly appreciated!

God bless!
B
Click to expand...
Take her to a nice quiet place where you can talk for a while, undisturbed, and tell her that something IS on your mind; then just tell her. I’m not sure if your concern is the fact that she has been with other guys, or the fact that she seems to think that’s ok. Either way, you two need to be 100% honest with each other and be prepared to end the relationship if you can’t resolve this. The purpose to dating is to find a suitable spouse, trust and sharing the same the moral values are very important, especially in raising a family.
 
What exactly is “a few”? If those were her exact words, I’ll bet you any amount you wish that her count is considerably more than “a few”. If it really bothers you, it’s ok to break up with her simply for that reason. If you are saving yourself for the marriage bed, it’s ok of you to expect that your wife not bring memories of past lovers to said bed, especially if you both are young.
 
Unless she’s your fiancé talking about sex probably isn’t what you should be focusing on.

Date her. Treat her like a lady. Show her what it means to be valued for more than sexual ideologies. Bring her to a full person before you focus on her wounds and you will see that these wounds from the past are smaller than you are focusing on now. Should you discover that the relationship is not leading you to ask her to share your life, then firmly and respectfully end the relationship.
 
Giggly_Giraffe said:
Unless she’s your fiancé talking about sex probably isn’t what you should be focusing on.

Date her. Treat her like a lady. Show her what it means to be valued for more than sexual ideologies. Bring her to a full person before you focus on her wounds and you will see that these wounds from the past are smaller than you are focusing on now. Should you discover that the relationship is not leading you to ask her to share your life, then firmly and respectfully end the relationship.
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I completely disagree.

You get engaged once you have decided you want to marry someone and that you are a good match. All important issues should be discussed well before that point.

It would also be quite unfair to this girl to hide these strong feelings he has, which could have major impact as their relationship develops. She has every right too to decide not to date someone who can’t cope with her past and/or her current attitudes. It’s not just about him “rejecting” her because of her past, but there’s a real question of whether their expectations and attitudes are compatible.
 
underacloud said:
I completely disagree.

You get engaged once you have decided you want to marry someone and that you are a good match. All important issues should be discussed well before that point.

It would also be quite unfair to this girl to hide these strong feelings he has, which could have major impact as their relationship develops. She has every right too to decide not to date someone who can’t cope with her past and/or her current attitudes. It’s not just about him “rejecting” her because of her past, but there’s a real question of whether their expectations and attitudes are compatible.
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At six months? We are always told to evangelize by living our faith. Living our faith is lifting people to heaven. This girl has an opportunity to see what God designed for men and women. I don’t think it’s a lecture, and focus only on sexual past. Talking about it is sexualizing the relationship as much as physically doing it. All the OP is focusing on is sex. When the couple examine a whole person compatibility they will find if they are ready for the next level. Chances are if her goal is different from his then the relationship will reveal more than this issue. This allows for dignity to be maintained during a breakup … Rather than the path it’s heading down now which would basically communicate, " you are too dirty for me based on sex" — not very dignified — and doesn’t make the OP look good either.
 
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