I know this has been talked about before, but I’m unsettled by this. I’m not married, I’m a single man, but I do hope for marriage some day.
I’ve read on these forums how it’s common for women not to experience orgasm during sex, and it can even be painful. This really disturbs me
. If I have a future wife, I want to be able please her, I want to be unselfish in that way. I would be disconcerted if she didn’t have the same experience as me. I would feel bad about that, even guilty…that would not seem like a unitive act to me.
Why didn’t God make us where we both orgasm during sex?
It disturbs me even more how I’ve read of women bringing a vibrator into the equation. That would certainly make me feel incompetent. That would also make me feel bad in regards to God. Thinking of Him looking down on us and my wife using a vibrator, it seems different from what He intended for sex, artificial. There weren’t vibrators when he created man and woman.
To be more specific in my questions…
- Do most women not experience orgasm during sex? Is it painful to have sex and not experience orgasm?
- What do you think, how do you feel about vibrators being used?
- Has anyone received counsel from a priest on this subject?
- If you’ve had struggles or conflict, how did you overcome them? Are you at peace with it?
I know this is a personal issue, but I appreciate any (name removed by moderator)ut, regardless of what your views are. I’m not experienced with sex, and I’m curious to know some men and women’s thoughts on this subject.
Thanks for reading
Not everyone agrees with Christopher West, but he has spent a lot of time studying Theology of the body. He writes:
Manual Stimulation Permitted; Wife May Climax, Husband May Not
“The acts by which spouses prepare each other for genital intercourse (foreplay)—so long as they are performed lovingly and not lustfully—are honorable and good. But stimulation of each other’s genitals to the point of climax apart from an act of normal intercourse is nothing other than mutual masturbation. There’s no gift of self, no marital communion taking place at all. Nor are such acts open to conception.
“An important point of clarification is needed. Since it’s the male orgasm that’s inherently linked with the possibility of new life, the husband must never intentionally ejaculate outside of his wife’s vagina (unintended ejaculation involves no moral fault). Since the female orgasm, however, isn’t necessarily linked to the possibility of conception, so long as it takes place within the overall context of an act of intercourse, it need not, in any absolute sense, be during actual penetration.
“Ideally, the wife’s orgasm would happen simultaneously with her husband’s. In fact, John Paul II, in his pre-papal reflections on the matter, exhorted husbands to learn how to control their own orgasms in order to bring their wives to climax with them. Doing so with altruistic motives, he said, was a husbandly virtue at the service of marital harmony. That being said, if the wife, despite their sincere efforts, was unable to climax during penetration, it may well be the loving thing for the husband to stimulate her to climax thereafter (if she so desired). In this case, such stimulation is not inherently masturbatory since it is within the context of a completed act of intercourse.” [Christopher West, **Good News About Sex and Marriage, (Cincinnati, Ohio: Servant Books, 2000), 90-91]
Oral Stimulation Permitted; Wife May Climax, Husband May Not
“There’s nothing in the Church’s vision of the body and sexual love that singles out the genitals as being objectively “unkissable” as part of a husband and wife’s intimate foreplay to intercourse. The term “oral sex,” however, most often refers to acts in which orgasm is sought and achieved apart from an act of intercourse. Indeed, many couples consider such behavior a desirable alternative to normal intercourse. And, yes, this is wrong, even for married couples—though the clarification made above regarding female orgasm is applicable here as well: Mutual climax (or at least climax during penetration) remains the ideal to strive for, but it’s not inherently wrong if the wife climaxes as a result of oral stimulation, so long as it’s within the context of a completed act of intercourse.” [Christopher West, **Good News About Sex and Marriage, (Cincinnati, Ohio: Servant Books, 2000), 92-93]
Nihil Obstat:
Rev. Gerard Beigel, S.T.D.
Censor Librorum:
Mr. Timothy J. McCarthy, J.C.L.
Vice Chancellor, Archdiocese of Denver
Imprimatur:
Most Rev. Charles J. Chaput, O.F.M. Cap.
Archbishop of Denver
April 27, 2004
About the Author
Christopher West is a research fellow and faculty member of the Theology of the Body Institute. He is also one of the most sought after speakers in the Church today, having delivered more than 1000 public lectures on 4 continents, in 9 countries, and in over 150 American cities. His books –
Good News About Sex & Marriage,
Theology of the Body Explained, and
Theology of the Body for Beginners – have become Catholic best sellers.
Christopher has also lectured on a number of prestigious faculties, offering graduate and undergraduate courses at St John Vianney Seminary in Denver, the John Paul II Institute in Melbourne, Australia, and Creighton University’s Institute for Priestly Formation in Omaha. Hundreds of thousands have heard him on national radio programs and even more have seen him defending the faith on programs such as Scarborough Country, Fox and Friends, and At Large with Geraldo Rivera. Of all his titles, Christopher is most proud to call himself a devoted husband and father. He and his wife Wendy have four children and live in Lancaster County, PA.
