Sexual relations and sick husband

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fredalice52

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I am 56 years old and my husband is 70. He has been ill for several years and can no longer participate in sexual relations. It has now been over three years since we slept in the same room and five years since our last sexual encounter. I know that this may sound selfish of me, but what can I do? I would never think of going outside of our marriage for relief and it is something that I cannot speak with him about because it would cause him undue distress. Any ideas?
 
I know it’s not ideal but there are other aspects to marriage besides sex. You can still have a close loving relationship without sex. Use the Holy Family as a model. They didn’t have sexual relations, either. Offer it up and think of the souls your sacrifice could be saving. And don’t be bitter. Offer it up, accept what God sends you and care for your sick husband. There’s no sex in Heaven yet, either, honey. Think of it as Heaven on earth!! 🙂
 
lwest said:
I know it’s not ideal but there are other aspects to marriage besides sex. You can still have a close loving relationship without sex. Use the Holy Family as a model. They didn’t have sexual relations, either. Offer it up and think of the souls your sacrifice could be saving. And don’t be bitter. Offer it up, accept what God sends you and care for your sick husband. There’s no sex in Heaven yet, either, honey. Think of it as Heaven on earth!! 🙂
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Oh I hope I have not given anyone the impression that I was bitter about the situation! I have been his main caregiver for several years and will be until either he or I are no longer alive. I have just spent the last few years getting my Master’s in History and a teaching certificate so that I can continue to pay for the additional care he will be needing in the future. I am all good with the role I have, but sometimes, I do get these urges that take a lot to fight against. I feel bad about them, pray them away, and hope that God forgives me for thinking about them.

As for the close, loving relationship–there are days when he thinks I am his worst enemy, his mother, his daughter, or a stranger to be feared. There are very few days that he sees me as “wife.”
 
AdriannaJean said:
Actually there might be sex in heaven…

Audio lecture : peterkreeft.com/audio/24_sex-in-heaven.htm

Written Article: peterkreeft.com/topics/sex-in-heaven.htm

And don’t worry, this guy isn’t some kook. He’s a practicing, traditional Catholic in full communion with the Church.
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Jesus said there is no marriage in Heaven. Remember how the scribes tried to trick Him by asking about a woman who had 7 husbands? If there’s no marriage, there can’t be any sex since I’m sure fornication wouldn’t be allowed. There’s definitely no sin in Heaven!! Never mind the fact that people in Heaven don’t have bodies, which complicates the whole sex thing!
 
As for the close, loving relationship–there are days when he thinks I am his worst enemy, his mother, his daughter, or a stranger to be feared. There are very few days that he sees me as “wife.”

I’m so sorry to hear that and I apologize if I stuck my nose into something I’m not qualified to be advising on.
 
lwest said:
As for the close, loving relationship–there are days when he thinks I am his worst enemy, his mother, his daughter, or a stranger to be feared. There are very few days that he sees me as “wife.”
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I’m so sorry to hear that and I apologize if I stuck my nose into something I’m not qualified to be advising on.

No problem, I posted here to see if anyone could give me some helpful words, advice, etc… I thank you for what you said. In my situation, I sometimes get so caught up in the “care-giving” that I lose sight of the “caring for” aspect of our relationship. Your post helped me to remember that.
 
And may God give you all the graces you need to handle what He’s sent you. I keep hearing that the will of God won’t bring you to something that the Grace of God won’t help you with (or something like that). But I know it doesn’t feel like that sometimes! Life gets overwhelming, we easily lose our perspective. My husband isn’t sick but my daughter is handicapped and 99% of the time I’m totally fine with it. But there is that 1% when I worry about her future. Different ballpark, I know. Hang in there. God ain’t gonna give up on either of us. Let’s not give up on Him. ??
 
I am not that much aged to make a comment. Also still a bachelor but I wish to say something abt my concept.

There is no easy way to reach heaven. But still some people may get such a way. If you are a Christian, you have to carry the Cross. I will pray for you to get strength through Holy Spirit.

Please try to get ride of such thoughts in this time and give such matters to Him.
 
fredalice52 said:
Oh I hope I have not given anyone the impression that I was bitter about the situation! I have been his main caregiver for several years and will be until either he or I are no longer alive. I have just spent the last few years getting my Master’s in History and a teaching certificate so that I can continue to pay for the additional care he will be needing in the future. I am all good with the role I have, but sometimes, I do get these urges that take a lot to fight against. I feel bad about them, pray them away, and hope that God forgives me for thinking about them.

As for the close, loving relationship–there are days when he thinks I am his worst enemy, his mother, his daughter, or a stranger to be feared. There are very few days that he sees me as “wife.”
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First of all, God bless you and your marriage. It appears you took that vow for “better and for worse, in sickness and health” seriously. A very wise priest once told me that Mother Therese’s life could be summed up with this saying:

“Love is as love does…not as love feels.”

So in the situation you are in, there likely is a lot that doesn’t feel good. And while those feelings are genuine, legitimate, and most of all normal, they don’t define the love you have for your husband. The cross you pick up daily most certainly does…and it is a heavy cross that you carry. We are sexual beings by design, and to be unable to express one’s love for one’s spouse in the physical way God intended is difficult. Realize that your urges are not evil…they are normal. Perhaps offer them as a prayer…“Lord thank you for this desire to be one flesh with my husband. You know that I cannot act upon it at this time; however, please give me the grace to continue to serve him in this time of need.”

It’s much easier said than done and I fully accept my role as armchair quarterback. I will pray for you and this struggle.

God bless
 
fredalice52 said:
I am 56 years old and my husband is 70. He has been ill for several years and can no longer participate in sexual relations. It has now been over three years since we slept in the same room and five years since our last sexual encounter. I know that this may sound selfish of me, but what can I do? I would never think of going outside of our marriage for relief and it is something that I cannot speak with him about because it would cause him undue distress. Any ideas?
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First of all, you are NOT being selfish. These needs are real. Your heart, body and mind will only find peace by remaining faithful to your husband. Seeking physical release with another person outside of your marriage will destroy both you and your husband. It sounds like you already know that. Also, you are not alone. There are lots of people in your situation… Both men and women.

Being a realist, I recognize the need for physical release that your husband is no longer able to give you. Church teaching is against taking care of this “by yourself”… But in my opinion if celibacy is not possible for you and “self service” keeps you from straying with another man… then so be it.
 
TLM08 said:
Being a realist, I recognize the need for physical release that your husband is no longer able to give you. Church teaching is against taking care of this “by yourself”… But in my opinion if celibacy is not possible for you and “self service” keeps you from straying with another man… then so be it.
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You’re certainly entitled to your opinion. I would offer that the Church offers authentic freedom. While the solution you propose would provide a momentary fix to satisfy the fleeting desire, it does nothing towards the conversion of one’s heart to imitate Christ. What advice, realistically, would Christ offer to the OP. Somehow I don’t think he would say, “serve yourself.”
 
TLM08 said:
First of all, you are NOT being selfish. These needs are real. Your heart, body and mind will only find peace by remaining faithful to your husband. Seeking physical release with another person outside of your marriage will destroy both you and your husband. It sounds like you already know that. Also, you are not alone. There are lots of people in your situation… Both men and women.

Being a realist, I recognize the need for physical release that your husband is no longer able to give you. Church teaching is against taking care of this “by yourself”… But in my opinion if celibacy is not possible for you and “self service” keeps you from straying with another man… then so be it.
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“self-service” is every bit as sinful as as cheating with another man. Just b/c the modern world has a twisted view of that act, does not make it so.

Sin is never the answer to avoiding sin.

God Bless
 
bilop said:
“self-service” is every bit as sinful as as cheating with another man.
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You have got to be kidding… right? That is like saying throwing a gum wrapper out the car window is just as bad as dumping a truck load of toxic waste in the woods behind a nursery school.

Look, I am not trying to convince anyone that God approves of masturbation, but I do believe he understands people’s individual needs vs. their situations and private circumstances.
:cool:
 
fredalice52 said:
Oh I hope I have not given anyone the impression that I was bitter about the situation! I have been his main caregiver for several years and will be until either he or I are no longer alive. I have just spent the last few years getting my Master’s in History and a teaching certificate so that I can continue to pay for the additional care he will be needing in the future. I am all good with the role I have, but sometimes, I do get these urges that take a lot to fight against. I feel bad about them, pray them away, and hope that God forgives me for thinking about them.

As for the close, loving relationship–there are days when he thinks I am his worst enemy, his mother, his daughter, or a stranger to be feared. There are very few days that he sees me as “wife.”
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I myself am a weak man that has spend decades grieving my own personal limitations. I still fail more than I would like to, but have chosen to channel the energy that guilt and grief rob from me into positive action such as charitable giving and little doses of informal prayer.

God has forgiven you already dear lady… Just do the best you can. Do not torture yourself with this any longer. He knows our struggles and still loves us anyway. Be at peace.
:cool:
 
TLM08 said:
You have got to be kidding… right? That is like saying throwing a gum wrapper out the car window is just as bad as dumping a truck load of toxic waste in the woods behind a nursery school.

Look, I am not trying to convince anyone that God approves of masturbation, but I do believe he understands people’s individual needs vs. their situations and private circumstances.
:cool:
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They’re both grave matter, both very likely to be mortally sinful, both against the natural law.

The idea that masturbation is “no big deal” is a thoroughly modern, and secular one. Check out St. Thomas Aquinas on the species of lust.

I would venture to say that masturbation probably causes more spiritual and psychological harm than simple fornication, and is right up there with adultery in the damage it does to relationships.

Don’t you see the innumerable people that come to this forum saying they are addicted to masturbation and pornography, and the wives and girlfriends saying it is destroying their relationships? These are way more common that the stories of adultery. Most men seem to find it fairly easy to give up chasing women when they marry, but many find it really hard to give up masturbation.

God Bless
 
lwest said:
Jesus said there is no marriage in Heaven. Remember how the scribes tried to trick Him by asking about a woman who had 7 husbands? If there’s no marriage, there can’t be any sex since I’m sure fornication wouldn’t be allowed. There’s definitely no sin in Heaven!! Never mind the fact that people in Heaven don’t have bodies, which complicates the whole sex thing!
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Given what you’ve said, I do wonder if you’ve read the article/listened to the lecture. It’s a little narrow-minded to presume that you know better without checking up on it. And actually we do have bodies in heaven, resurrected bodies.

If you read the article and wholly disagree, you are more than free to do so. But it is a little patronizing for you to assume that you know better than both me and a published Catholic theologian without even reading what is to be said.
 
im still a youngster and all so i cant give any good advice based on experience but i just wanted to say it brought me joy when i read that even though he is sick and cant have sex you stick by him caring for his needs

personally i would agree that you cant overcome sin with sin i suggest you offer your feelings to the LORD

you are in my prayers :signofcross:
 
When in doubt, I always ask myself “Would Jesus be angry if he knew?”

A careful reading of the New T:rolleyes:estamen tells me that if I want to get him really mad, then I should injure others, fail to offer help to the needy etc.

I think he will commend you for your selfless care of your husband and not condemn you for “self service”. I don’t know whether he would approve, but I am sure he won’t get mad.
 
And actually we do have bodies in heaven, resurrected bodies.

If you read the article and wholly disagree, you are more than free to do so. But it is a little patronizing for you to assume that you know better than both me and a published Catholic theologian without even reading what is to be said.

The resurrection hasn’t happened yet and there will be resurrected bodies at that time. Right now, only souls are in Heaven.

And does your Catholic theologan know better than the Son of God. I was quoting Him directly. He is the authority. And if your Catholic theologan is contradicting Church teaching, you shouldn’t be listening to him. I’m not trying to be patronizing. I’m just reminding you of Church teaching. Check your Catechism.
 
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