Sexual sin and desiring true joy and goodness

[Owen534]

Hi, I’m a single student at university and I want to know how to desire higher goods rather than the empty pleasure of sexual sins, such as masturbation, lust and pornography. My main problem is not the physical urge, it’s that – on a mental level – I just want the pleasure. Part of me doesn’t want to sin and I think I have a fairly good understanding of why these things are wrong, but an often, I dare say usually much bigger part of me is mentally and emotionally attached not only to the pleasure but I think to the whole idea of the pleasure, and doesn’t care whether it’s right or wrong or what the consequences and risks are, whether temporary or eternal.

It’s like a battle between two people – when I do sin I feel terrible, but when I’m tempted and I don’t (and it’s not often that I’m seriously tempted and resist it) the other part of me feel frustrated that I’ve missed an opportunity. I realise, in theory, that the pleasure of sexual sin is empty and that it is nothing compared to the joys of chastity, self-control and truly knowing and loving the Lord, though I don’t feel I know enough about any of those to really know that in my heart. Or perhaps I do, but I don’t realise that I know. It reminds me of this quote from C.S. Lewis:

It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.

What I want to ask is, how can I became less like the child making mud pies in a slum, and more like the child on holiday at the sea who loathes the thought of making mud pies in a slum? How can I get to the position where I hate the idea of sexual sin and love truth, beauty, justice, genuine sexuality etc.? The thing is, I think I don’t just desire the pleasure; I do love the idea of real sex with someone I love (an ideal which is only fully possible within marriage). When I do stupidly watch porn, I’m usually rather disgusted, don’t enjoy it, and get very little pleasure from it; in fact, it usually numbs and decreases any sexual pleasure. The thing is, part of me thinks I’ll fulfil my legitimate, good desires through sexual sin; i.e. by enjoying sexual pleasure outside the bounds that God has set for it. So this legitimate, worthy desire, combined with that silly belief, is causing me to sin.

However, I do think a large part of it is that I don’t know God personally enough, don’t know the true joys of being a Christian, having a mostly intellectual faith, and therefore can’t really tell enough of a difference between the pleasures of sin and the joy of knowing, loving and serving God. How do I put this right? How do I change my attitude, and put Philippians 4:8

Concerning the rest, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is chaste, whatever is just, whatever is holy, whatever is worthy to be loved, whatever is of good repute, if there is any virtue, if there is any praiseworthy discipline: meditate on these.
and Romans 12:2

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

into practice?

 

[pwlj_christ87]

i can offer you hopefully some relief in that over time your will and want to look at pornography will go away. you will simply see the acts as grave immorality, pray, it sounds like a typical christian catholic thing to say when someone posts but i can attest to that when you pray, you will be helped in this area of your life, and when and if you fall your prayer can come back , learn a thing or two from your mistake and move on… its always a mistake if you knwo it is, but if you dont think it is than your delving in thin water in the river of mercy of jesus christ

do your best to find a girlfriend, i can guarantee you that with one you wont want to masturabet

 

[Colorad007]

You are awfully perceptive and so it seems that you understand the problem and even how to fix it. You just have trouble turning that knowledge into a tangible way of living chastity. It does indeed seem primarily like the answer will lie in mortification and the purification of affections. In other words, you have to really grow your love for Christ, which means making set times for prayer every day, visiting the Blessed Sacrament, regular confession, perhaps daily Mass. Love is not a primarily intellectual exercise, which makes it hard for you to experience. But you must take the flame of love that burns in your chest and really nourish it especially through prayer and mortification. Find a good spiritual director to help and guide you. And at the same time you can work on growing your contempt for impurity. Get angry about it if you want, and when you experience temptation calmly and firmly proclaim your love for Christ in the Cross and your utter hatred for satan and sin. Make it personal, and make it real.

 

[friardchips]

Hi, I’m a single student at university and I want to know how to desire higher goods rather than the empty pleasure of sexual sins, such as masturbation, lust and pornography. My main problem is not the physical urge, it’s that – on a mental level – I just want the pleasure. Part of me doesn’t want to sin and I think I have a fairly good understanding of why these things are wrong, but an often, I dare say usually much bigger part of me is mentally and emotionally attached not only to the pleasure but I think to the whole idea of the pleasure, and doesn’t care whether it’s right or wrong or what the consequences and risks are, whether temporary or eternal.

It’s like a battle between two people – when I do sin I feel terrible, but when I’m tempted and I don’t (and it’s not often that I’m seriously tempted and resist it) the other part of me feel frustrated that I’ve missed an opportunity. I realise, in theory, that the pleasure of sexual sin is empty and that it is nothing compared to the joys of chastity, self-control and truly knowing and loving the Lord, though I don’t feel I know enough about any of those to really know that in my heart. Or perhaps I do, but I don’t realise that I know. It reminds me of this quote from C.S. Lewis:

It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.

What I want to ask is, how can I became less like the child making mud pies in a slum, and more like the child on holiday at the sea who loathes the thought of making mud pies in a slum? How can I get to the position where I hate the idea of sexual sin and love truth, beauty, justice, genuine sexuality etc.? The thing is, I think I don’t just desire the pleasure; I do love the idea of real sex with someone I love (an ideal which is only fully possible within marriage). When I do stupidly watch porn, I’m usually rather disgusted, don’t enjoy it, and get very little pleasure from it; in fact, it usually numbs and decreases any sexual pleasure. The thing is, part of me thinks I’ll fulfil my legitimate, good desires through sexual sin; i.e. by enjoying sexual pleasure outside the bounds that God has set for it. So this legitimate, worthy desire, combined with that silly belief, is causing me to sin.

However, I do think a large part of it is that I don’t know God personally enough, don’t know the true joys of being a Christian, having a mostly intellectual faith, and therefore can’t really tell enough of a difference between the pleasures of sin and the joy of knowing, loving and serving God. How do I put this right? How do I change my attitude, and put Philippians 4:8

Concerning the rest, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is chaste, whatever is just, whatever is holy, whatever is worthy to be loved, whatever is of good repute, if there is any virtue, if there is any praiseworthy discipline: meditate on these.
and Romans 12:2

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

into practice?

Hi. I tend to think of imagining things far away as escapism. We have to have plans. It is good to have pious thoughts. To have hope. To imagine being better. But often the way to deal with an issue is to deal with the ‘now’ and not to escape from it. Pornography is escapism. Release. I think of pornography as the holiday in this case. Whereas getting our hands dirty in the mud is getting out there in life and joining in. To suffer joyfully and willingly. To live this day as THE day. I know it is easier said than done but open windows. Just not the computer kind. In fact, cut your right hand off and get rid of the internet and the computer. Put distance between yourself and the issue, and get out there, open the real windows, and get your hands dirty in the mud. Of course, it is far easier to give advice than to take it but this is what I would do if I was the owner of the computer, with internet, and I could do with it what I pleased and could just get rid, and I had an addiction, and was always thinking about how great it would be to have a girlfriend to have intimate relations with. In that situation, this is what I would do. As well as continued praying and attending Mass. Though I’d concentrate on building friendships rather than diving into intimacy. Get your hands dirty in a good way not the virtual and spiritually evil way. Most if not all catholics face these issues. You are not alone. But we cannot speak for others. We have to go forwards for ourselves. Sin is always an option. Nevertheless, the more we do other things, the less importance we give to sinful desires. We begin to stop feeding the big bad wolf. Be Little Red Riding Hood with a shotgun aimed at a wolf named sin.

 

[friardchips]

…one other thing, Owen, is to find a way to bring a holy image to mind when the waves of tempation are tidal-sized - I apologise, btw, as my last post was reckless in the silly language used in the final sentence - and so try bringing an image to mind or an awareness that can stop the temptation in those moments. Some thoughts could be that we don’t know how many of these people are married, or lapsed Catholics and so baptised, or manipulated into acting out certain things. Every Catholic has this fight and we have to take it to the spiritual battle field. As well as practical solutions too like giving up the internet for a time. One thought that has helped me in various ways, is thinking to myself: who do I want to be today; if I want to be a good guy, then my life should be transparently good. This takes some changes. Today can always be a new day. We are all in it together. The Apostles changed from making many mistakes to living the Gospel with their whole hearts. So most important - never give up trying. Take care.