Sexual Sin in a Relationship Before Marriage

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Youngling11

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Hi I’m a college student in a relationship and me and my girlfriend are practicing Catholics. However we’ve been dating 5 months now and we both experience strong sexual attractions towards eachother. Often times we fall into sexual sin (not sex but sexual intimacy stuff ya know?). We’ve tried setting boundaries like no cuddling and no hanging out at each others apartment past 10:30, praying before hanging out etc. but we still seem to ignore these rules sometimes and fall. We’re getting to the point where we don’t really feel regret anymore and it’s starting to get harder to say no. I want this relationship to be all about God and I think she does too, but how can we deny our sexual attractions when they’re so strong?

I know the whole thing about “being aware of the situation that we put ourselves in” but when we both give into lust we kinda just ignore our situation and seek out a situation for us to fall. Are there any married couples out there who struggled with this before marriage too? And how can we regain a desire to seek purity in our relationship?

I want us to have a Holy relationship but I’m just not sure what else we can do besides prayer and the sacraments. Especially since it’s getting more and more tempting the more we fall.
Any advice is appreciated! Thanks!
 
What about not being at each other’s apartments at night., And going out on dates? You know, the movies, free student passes at the museum or at local events. What about volunteering together - other ways to get to know each other more deeply? I get the 10:30 curfew thing, but the middle of the afternoon on the Saturday just lounging around the house can lead to the same thing.
 
Sounds as if it is not smart to be THAT alone together. Meet outside, in a park or a cafe. Hang out with other friends, don’t be alone in a car or in an apartment unless you are sitting on separate pieces of furniture.

No making out. That is for marriage, it is foreplay and as you know it gets the body all revved up for sex. No one ever died from avoiding necking, petting, french kisses, groping hands prior to marriage. Thing is, once you ARE married there are going to be times when you have to abstain (illness, separations from work or military service, etc., after childbirth, pelvic rest in a difficult pregnancy, when avoiding conception for any number of good reasons). If you cannot learn to control your passions now, it will be a thousand times more difficult controlling them after marriage.
 
Youngling11 said:
but we still seem to ignore these rules sometimes and fall.
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No. you don’t “seem to”.

You choose to ignore the rules.

Unless and until you choose to be self honest and honest with each other, you will continue down the same path you have chosen. You don’t “suddenly find yourself in an improper embrace”, you choose to embrace. Clothes don’t “fall off”, they are taken off. And etc.

“I firmly resolve, with the help of your grace to sin no more and to avoid the near occasion of sin.”

If you want help, there are several good suggestions in posters above me. Your apartment and her apartment, are near occasions of sin. That is it in plain, pure English, You can waffle all you want about the matter; then go back and read the paragraph “I firmly resolve…” Stop lying to yourselves. You don’t need to argue about it, you do not need to “justify” being in one place or the other alone. You need to change.

And that is up to you.
 
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go out in public more. hang out with mutual friends. also,try to really learn the teaching of the church on chastity

and there is change that this may not be the right relationship for you. your potential partner should not be the one leading you to sin. and vice versa.
 
Youngling11 said:
Are there any married couples out there who struggled with this before marriage too?
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Are there people in successful Catholic marriages that struggled with this? I want to know if this is something we should try to work through or just cut off our persuit of marriage with eachother. I know “nothing is impossible with God” but I’d still like some advice on this specifically too. Thanks!
 
My fiancé and I (both very devout Catholics) struggled with the same thing for awhile. What snapped us out of it was the realization that we were putting our souls in danger of hell. HELL! Sexual sin is very often a MORTAL SIN and that is serious stuff! If you die with that on your soul you will perish for all eternity! Is a moment or two of messing around really worth it? That should scare the hell out of you, literally!

We made a firm resolution to stop what we were doing and avoid sexual sin to the very VERY best of our ability. No kissing on the lips, no cuddling alone at night in the dark, no touching each other where we shouldn’t, etc. We even take steps to avoid arousal. If one us becomes aroused by something, even something as innocent as a hug, we stop immediately so as to stop temptation in its tracks. We stopped joking sexually, because that will desensitize you, and we said “if you wouldn’t feel comfortable touching/kissing me/cuddling me infront of my family, then it cannot happen”. It’s not easy but it saved us from a very slippery slope that was sliding right to hell.

We still share intimacy, but it has been redirected to a place of purity. I can part ways after spending time with my beloved feeling full of happiness and love instead of shame and regret. There is no better feeling! I pray that you can take the necessary action to avoid sexual sin. It is not easy, but you must not let your desire become your master.

I advise you to consider marriage. I am 5 months out from my wedding and it is such a relief to me. There is a light at the end of my celibate tunnel. I love my fiancé so much and I cannot wait to enjoy the sexual relationship that will soon begin. Marriage is where sex flourishes and finds its true purpose. Stay strong!!
 
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Youngling11 said:
Are there people in successful Catholic marriages that struggled with this?
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There are people who survive car wrecks when they don’t wear a seatbelt.

There are people who play Russian Roulette and do not die.

There are people who commit serious sexual sins for many years and find forgivness and are able to amend their lives.

That does not mean that it is in any way, shape or form to say “ah, Janey and Joe were having sex every day before they were married and they are fine, so, to heck with pre-marital chastity.”
 
Youngling11 said:
Are there people in successful Catholic marriages that struggled with this? I want to know if this is something we should try to work through or just cut off our persuit of marriage with eachother. I know “nothing is impossible with God” but I’d still like some advice on this specifically too. Thanks!
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Of course. No one is perfect and it would be a very rare couple that never did anything before marriage. It would be weird and concerning if you didn’t experience strong sexual desire for each other.

I’m not saying go nuts or anything, but recognize that none of this means you two are necessarily not well suited to each other. Be mindful of the situations you put yourself in, be careful, and if you mess up, go to confession and try not to do it again.
 
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Youngling11 said:
how can we deny our sexual attractions when they’re so strong?
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This is why people used to be married within a year or less of starting to see each other.

If you guys are this strongly attracted to each other, just don’t spend time alone together unless and until you learn to control yourselves.

This is also why society used to make sure that young women were chaperoned at all times, and why colleges had all-male and all-female dorms and lodgings, and visitors of the opposite sex were not permitted past the lobby.
 
My wife and I did not have sex before our marriage. I was not a Catholic yet, not a virgin, nor felt that it was necessarily a sin at the time, but my wife was Catholic, was a virgin, and that was a big thing for me. I loved her enough that my physical desires did not matter more than her desires. We limited our time alone together, we still spent almost all day, but it’s hard to fall into making out when your watching TV at your sister in law or brother in law’s house. So even at 2 am when we got home from work, we were never actually alone.
 
Good advice. I am very glad you pointed out that abstinence is often a key part of marriage as well. I feel some well meaning Catholics / Christians consoles struggling unmarried people with “you’re going to get unlimited holy sex once married so just hang in there!”
No, sexual discipline is very important in marriage as well.
 
What about exploring whether you see yourself marrying this young woman at some point - getting to know her family, her views, going through different experiences with eachother that require problem solving, praying together. Do you both want kids? What are your goals after graduation? Are they compatible towards having a life together? Also, have conversations (not at night at your apartment, but a quiet booth at a cafe, on a park bench, etc, on the phone, etc,) about how you view sex - what i mean is – does she have a healthy image of her body and male/female relationships- do you? I am not talking about “sexy talk” or “pillow talk” .one person I knew was surprised after marriage that their spouse actually had sexual hangups due to sexual abuse and would not have sex with them after getting married but because they were abstaining there was no indicator - but had they discussed it…she would have had him attend counseling and work through his feelings before walking down the aisle). How do they view marriage? What does that partnership look like in their view?

If you find out that she is not the one for you after that exploration, instead of worrying about dodging sex – you part ways to meet someone new unencumbered by staying with eachother just because of sexual attraction. If she is someone you want to eventually marry - always work on improving your communication skills and arguing skills and plan a wedding after you graduate.
 
Part of it is how the world makes us wait forever to get married
And makes getting married young, when we probably should be getting married, very difficult and also shunned.
I recently turned 18 and I’m making progress against my porn addiction
But I feel the pain of it just being constant (with real people I’m not really tempted but fear I may be soon)
The feelings are there because our bodies are crazy and that it’s also expected in our minds to be married soon not after like 5 years of waiting(a also whatever your church makes you wait) and when we’re 30
It’s really unfortunate but it’s God’s way so even if the crazy suggestion of some saying “no kissing on the lips” is what you need that do it

I’m frustrated with this too but I’m just throwing away my desires so I don’t go to hell
 
Youngling11 said:
I want us to have a Holy relationship but I’m just not sure what else we can do besides prayer and the sacraments. Especially since it’s getting more and more tempting the more we fall.

Any advice is appreciated! Thanks!
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A lot of good advice has already been offered.

But I would like to emphasis this: if you truly want to have a holy relationship you need to view your relationship as a courtship, and that marriage with your girlfriend is that ultimate goal of your courtship.

If you realize at any time that she isn’t the one you want to marry, you need to break off the relationship. Otherwise, you’ll just be using her to satisfy some unholy needs of yours.

And once you realize she is the one you want to marry, propose to her and get engaged. Don’t put off the engagement and wedding for any temporal reasons if you truly believe she’s the one. And then until the actually wedding, the best way to avoid the temptation of sexual sin is — as some others have already recommended — try to avoid spending time together. When doing activities with her, always bring alone at least someone else. That will make it easy for you and her to remain in a holy relationship until the two of you are married.
 
The good old advise of not doing anything that you wouldn’t do in front of your grandmother or parish priest seems to still be wise. You can always imagine granny, priest, why not the bishop, sitting looking at you and your girlfriend.
 
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