Fidelia, I can speak with a lot of experience on this. I once was in the very same position of your boyfriend. I had a Catholic girlfriend who was trying to live her faith out, but I kept telling her that the Bible doesn’t say anything about fornication, and I even tried arguing that the Bible actually endorses it.
I don’t know your boyfriend, and I least of all know his heart, but I can tell you that when I was in this position, I was not concerned with my girlfriend as a person. She had a body, and I wanted it. I said I loved her, I even thought I did, but there is no question that all of that came second if sex was or could be involved.
The fact is that this is not a religious issue. Lots of people might want to not have sex for many reasons. Some want to abstain for the sake of religion. Others may want to for the sake of feeling emotionally unprepared. Others may want to because they don’t feel close enough to their significant other. Others may have a medical reason and be unable to safely have sex. Others may simply not feel well enough for it. There are countless other reasons why one may wish to not have sex. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter, and all comes down to one thing: the person doesn’t want to.
Sex is the most intimate thing we can do. It is so special to all of us, no matter what our beliefs happen to be, because we know how deeply it connects O to who we are. Every priest, minister, rabbi, psychologist, counselor, therapist, and doctor will attest to this. People who are wounded sexually suffer the deepest wounds, wounds that are the hardest to heal, wounds that change even one’s personality so deeply. Sexual wounds change not just a person’s sex life, but their entire life.
This is why a boyfriend or girlfiend cheating on their significant other sexually is so painful. It is something that can only be experienced, cannot be described, and cannot be duplicated by any other sort of unfaithfulness. When a person is unfaithful sexually, they are casting aside something so deeply tied to the very core of a person that it stings and numbs like nothing else. This is thereason that all people, whether atheist or deeply religious, recognize the importance of sex. It is why rape is considered such a terrible, heinous crime - even worse than murder by so many people. It is why a child-rapist is more reviled than a child-killer.
Sex is something that is yours to give or not to give, for whatever reason. A person who respects you as a person will respect this - even if it hurts him, frustrates him, or dissapoints him. A person who does not respect this is, as Jesus might put it, commiting rape in his heart, even if not in his actions. Love does not force itself. You are a human being, a person with feelings, wants, desires, needs, beliefs, and dignity. To try to force you into sex - whether with physical force or with logical argumentation - is to cast aside all of these things, to cast aside every bit of who you are, to get to your genitals.
I do not want to demonize this person. Please understand - especially since I was in his position and didn’t even recognize myself all that I was doing! Nevertheless, I knew in some way, even if only in the back of my mind, that I was not respecting her. I knew the right thing to do was to let her choose. If you love this boy, and if he loves you, then you love so much more than your bodies. He may feel like he cannot express his love without sex, but there are so many other parts of you that he can express his love by interacting with and loving. Even in marriage, there are so many areas to love that can never be loved fully that if one tried to postpone sex until after exhausting them, it would never be reached.
If he wants to love you, ask him to love all of you, including your choices about this most intimate part of you. If he cannot or will not do that, he is at worst unwilling to love you, and at best, through no fault of his own, not yet ready for a relationship based on love.
God bless
