Sexual trouble (recently married)

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Why would an OBGYN even mention BC if the patient isn’t there to request it? Do you think doctors try to force every woman that enters their practice to be on BC? That’s absurd!

I’ve been to the doctor many times for non birth control and they never brought it up other than to ask if I was on it or not for charting reasons, not because they were making some judgement and going to push it on me. If something like that did happen, I’d be out the door and letting them know not to bill me…and I have no issues with BC. When I finally had to get a hysterectomy, my doc and I tried for over two years to avoid it and neither she nor I were Catholic.
 
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Oh well, your experience is quite different from mine then!
I wonder about other posters here.
 
Same experience here. The doctor asked, question answered, and no lectures were received. Just asked to note on my chart. Never tried to sway me one way or another. 4 doctors over the years, same experience.
 
What does she think might help? I don’t mean for you to tell us here, but do you know? Does she?

I do agree that because we need to emphasize no sex so much given the society we live in, that that could definitely be a factor. Up till now, she has had to hold herself back, and it could be that she is so in the habit of being careful that she cannot relax.
 
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Pattylt said:
I’m sure the first time was painful…it usually is. Is she fearing that it will continue to be painful? If so, then she is tensing up which sort of assures the second time will be difficult, too.
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This was my first thought when reading the OP. The first time is painful especially if you both did not take things slow enough. She needs to be reassured that you will be patient and gentle. As was recommended, use a non spermicidal lubricant to help. And, a trip to the gynecologist is highly recommended. There are Catholic obgyn’s out there. Have you taken your NFP classes yet? If so, reach out to your coach for a list of providers.
Jen95 said:
What are the chances that there is something wrong physically?
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Endometriosis is not uncommon, and it can make intercourse painful. That’s just one example of many.
Jen95 said:
You don’t think that the average obgyn is ready to prescribe the pill and scold anyone who doesn’t use ABC?
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What?! In all my years going to the gynecologist I have never had a “radical feminist” obgyn try to force pills down my throat, and I have a condition that is easily treated by using birth control pills.

They have always presented options then allowed me to choose. These days, it is quite common for women to not want the pill because of all of its negative health impacts are becoming more well known.
 
Indeed not, but they do not represent the norm, nor the standard of practice.
 
My husband and I had a fair amount of sexual struggle in the beginning of our marriage. I wont go into all the details, both to respect him and to maintain decency in the thread, but I will say that we made it through two years of a sexual relationship that was entirely unsatisfying on my end and a pregnancy+physically traumatic birth without having to resort to splitting up. If you’d like some been there done that advice I’d be happy to PM you.
 
I’m concerned that you admitted that it was painful for her, and instead of asking how you can help her, you’re asking if you can seek an annulment. You also mention her “doing it for you” and that she made herself do it. That she is scared about having kids and not being able to give you what you want.

Any pressure you put on her is going to make the situation a lot worse. Without going into detail, my husband and I initially had some struggles, and they were worked out only because of his patience and his caring attitude. We’ve been married nearly a decade now and are parents. Had he ever indicated that I was not “satisfying” him or that he was considering leaving because of it, I’m not sure things would be the same. Are you making her feel badly about it? Are you putting a lot of pressure on her? Not questions for you to answer here, but ask yourself what kind of a husband you are being about it.

Most alarming to me is that you mentioned when you were able to, she “seemed to be in pain”- and you kept on? You NOTICED she was in pain, and you did not stop? I get that it’s frustrating for you, and I understand that. But instead of asking what an appropriate amount of time is before you can leave her, try removing all pressure from her. Encourage her to see a doctor, and let her know that you love her and that it’s okay if this takes time, and that she’s worth working it through with. That you will be as gentle as she needs, and that you understand that she is in pain and that you don’t want her to hurt.

It does sound like she needs to see a doctor, and the best way you can get her there is by gentle encouragement. And if you aren’t already, use some lubricant. You need some time to learn what works and what doesn’t.
 
heidi_storage said:
Why do you think it would do “more harm than good” to be examined?
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My stand is: it would do more harm than good to be examined if that is not what she really wants. And yes, I am absolutely sure it may do more harm than good in this situation.
Why do I think that? Personal experience sadly, but myself is not the topic of this post.

It may be a physical problem. But they only do it one time, very short as experience to determine in a way or the other. She may block herself because of the pain or her perceived first bad experience. And no examinations cannot always determine alone if something is wrong or not.

In a conclusion, she should go if she wants to see a doctor, and her husband should encourage her and maybe even take the appointment and go with her to motivated her, but should not be forced if she doesn’t want to.
 
Jen95 said:
You don’t think that the average obgyn is ready to prescribe the pill and scold anyone who doesn’t use ABC?
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Scold not, but lecture and try to frighten without even try to get more informations, or to

provide accurate informations, yes. And unwanted moral lessons, yes.

And also deep insistence to the point of being silly and indecent yes.
(what contraception did you used?- blabla… - and before that? - we weren’t married. - Ha. And before that? - before what?- before you get married.- ??? we had already answered. - and before? before what? - before being together. - HUMM, sorry, what?? - mister X what contracption did you used before meeting your wife?- HUMMM??? I think we should stop here. )
Jen95 said:
Encourage her to read romance novels!
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I would add reading that encourage or are compatible with God’s laws. And they are a tiny majority in the romance category.
Maybe the Song of the Song. And read some theology of the body reading to understand better our faith.
 
Not to mention, they won’t find anything if some of the problem is on his end.
 
A couple things worry me about your posts in this thread.
  1. It doesn’t seem to bother you that your wife was in pain when you consummated your marriage. Now, to be charitable, this may not be the case in real life. But if you expect her to deal with physical or emotional pain and distress just for your pleasure, that’s not okay. Now, there is a good chance I could be wrong about this, but it almost seems to call into doubt the legitimacy of the marital act if your wife has sex with you out of guilt and is miserable, frightened, or in pain the whole time. Maybe someone with more info on the church’s sexual ethics could answer to that.
  2. You seem to lay blame for your temptation to sexual sin on your marriage/wife. That’s not okay. Our circumstances/other people can’t cause us to sin.
    Maybe try asking St. Joseph for his intercession. If anybody knows what a marriage without sex is like, he does. He is an EXCELLENT example of charity in this regard.
 
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I think everyone has already said everything that needs to be said, but just to emphasize the point that a few posters are making: Please think about how your wife feels. I know it’s also difficult for you, but it is indeed concerning that you’re even considering the possibility of an annulment this early on.

To give you some idea… I think a lot of Catholic women feel an intense amount of guilt when first having sex as many have grown up in households which shame the very notion of sex. and this guilt can trigger the condition vaginismus, which is incredibly common in women. The muscles squeeze up and spasm in response to any pressure at all. It takes very gentle therapy over a long period of time to improve this condition. Vaginismus is often brought on by psychological fear, which as I mentioned, is a large factor in many religious women’s sex lives. I wanted to explain this here because I fear there are many misconceptions about the female body, especially on this forum.

I can’t even imagine the amount of fear, guilt, mental pain, physical pain, etc., that your wife is feeling and I sincerely hope that you both have an honest conversation about this and your options. Going to an obgyn, a counselor, are two very good options but please make sure to speak to her about it first and let her lay out her thoughts on the matter. Empathy is key
 
Anicette said:
My stand is: it would do more harm than good to be examined if that is not what she really wants .
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NONE of us want to be “examined”! NONE of us really want to go to ANY doctor to get poked, prodded, stuck with needles, undressed, and asked questions about our bodies. We’re ALL scared and nervous and some of us probably even have physical symptoms–nausea, shaking, tears, etc. whenever we have a doctor’s exam scheduled.

But…there are some things that intelligent and caring people simply HAVE to do, even though they don’t want to.

Going to the doctor is a responsible thing to do, and I would argue that it is our Christian responsibility to care for our own bodies and try to maintain as much good health as we can.

Do you think people with cancer want to go to chemo and radiation? Or burn patients want to endure their agonizing treatments? Or amputees want to go through physical therapy to make their stumps stronger?

OUCH!

Healing is painful. But to avoid the pain would be to avoid healing.

If a woman doesn’t want to go to a doctor for gynecological issues, then her husband needs to seek out a doctor who is experienced and SKILLED in treating women with fears about her sexuality and body.

And I agree with others that the vast majority of gynecologists will NOT try to indoctrinate a woman with liberal pundits. That’s what watching those silly TV doctor shows does to us–gives us a completely wrong impression of the medical profession.

Finally, I can’t help but wonder if this young wife has some secret that her husband doesn’t know–a history of sexual abuse perhaps? Or a rape that was never reported? Or even exposure to porn at some point in her life? Hopefully no to any of these traumas, but if this is the case, she will require treatment and counselling, and it will be painful for her and her husband while she is going through this healing process.
 
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You probably should be sure if you hurt her bad or not. Not being sure indicates a lack of attention to the situation to your wife’s comfort. What does she say when you talk to her about it?
 
If she is worried she can’t have kids, as outlandish as that sounds never having been checked out, I’d say a visit to a doctor is in order.

Counseling and working on mental and spiritual issues can take months or years of effort.

Getting an “all clear” from a physicial standpoint takes minutes or hours. There is no way I am investing months or years of my time until I know the easy and quickest part is checked off. That’s just common sense to me.

I am not saying don’t do both, but I don’t get ANYONE who says “forget going to the doctor and just work on your relationship.”

How about “do both??”
 
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The average counselor probably gives crappy advice too.

So seek a doctor and counselor who supports and encourages what you believe in. Why are doctors automatically bad, but conselors somehow paragons of great wholesome wisdom?
 
heidi_storage said:
Why do you think it would do “more harm than good” to be examined? There could be an anatomical issue, vaginismus, or other physical problem that may make sex difficult or painful. Most obgyns are women these days, and any decent obgyn will be careful and considerate and go slowly. If nothing else, physical issues can be ruled out, and an obgyn might even have a good therapist in mind who can help with sexual issues.

Nonsexual intimacy is important, and nonsexual touching is great. I certainly don’t think the OP should be dragging his wife to the bedroom! I just don’t get why a few posters think that backing off the subject is a good idea; this is clearly a distressing situation for everyone involved.
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Agree completely. Sex is important in marriage. In fairness, the OPs wife has a duty to try to get this issue dealt with.
 
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