Sexuality Issues

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I recently learned that a family member is having problems with sexuality issues that recently surfaced after meeting a nice Catholic girl. It seems that he is now confused as to “knowing if he could love her or know what real love even is.” Apparently there is a history of recurrent preadolescent homosexual activity with other boys, masturbation, & porn in his past. Now, after cleaning up his act he is confused if he even knows what love is, and if he can love, and if he is even heterosexual. He has put his relationship with her on hold, and is agonized by recounting his past and dreading his future, fearful that he may not be able to determine if he is experiencing love or an addictive lustful attraction to the young lady. He has become very spiritual, has read Theology of the Body, etc, and enjoys going to Mass & Adoration. He is FEARFUL of making a wrong choice, so he is avoiding a continued relationship with her, but are still friends, and this gives him more time to doubt his intentions. The young lady knows of his past and unconditionally loves him (they are not sexually involved). Any recommendations of where he should go from here? Please Pray for him and others with similar problems.
Seeking Peace
 
A person in this situation should seek spiritual direction from trained spiritual director. The first step would be to talk to a priest and go from there.
 
Thanks, he does plan to meet with a spiritual director/confessor weekly- and has done so a couple of times.
 
And while he is at it, he should obtain counseling from a trained psychologist.

How to find one that is not going to promote a homosexual agenda may take some serious digging, and just because a psychologist doesn’t promote homosexual agendas does not in and of itself qualify them to counsel on issues of what appear to be either sexual buse or borderline abuse.

I really am concerned about the issue of getting a spiritual adviser, when it appears that the real issue is in the nature of a psychogical problem, or series of problems. Spiritual advisers are for spiritual advice questions; if you have a medical issue, you don’t go to the spiritual adviser; if you have a psychological problem, you don’t go to a spiritual adviser.

If there is an issue lingering in the background concerning unconfessed sins, then one goes to confession. But if one is suffering from a psychological problem in addition to the issue of prior unconfessed sins, confessing them is not going to resolve the other problem.
 
There is a website that you might find helpful. www.couragerc.net. From what I understand, it is fully endoresed by the Catholic Church and it is basically a program designed to help people facing issues of sexual identity. I’ve heard some really good things about it. I believe they also have something for family members and friends who want to support the struggling person in a morally sound way.
 
Seeking_Peace said:
I recently learned that a family member is having problems with sexuality issues that recently surfaced after meeting a nice Catholic girl. It seems that he is now confused as to “knowing if he could love her or know what real love even is.” Apparently there is a history of recurrent preadolescent homosexual activity with other boys, masturbation, & porn in his past. Now, after cleaning up his act he is confused if he even knows what love is, and if he can love, and if he is even heterosexual. He has put his relationship with her on hold, and is agonized by recounting his past and dreading his future, fearful that he may not be able to determine if he is experiencing love or an addictive lustful attraction to the young lady. He has become very spiritual, has read Theology of the Body, etc, and enjoys going to Mass & Adoration. He is FEARFUL of making a wrong choice, so he is avoiding a continued relationship with her, but are still friends, and this gives him more time to doubt his intentions. The young lady knows of his past and unconditionally loves him (they are not sexually involved). Any recommendations of where he should go from here? Please Pray for him and others with similar problems.
Seeking Peace
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I always do a double take on all april 1 threads, but just treating the question as-is – as a family member, I would encourage you to support him in his decision to be cautious. The very fact that pornography and sexal addiction of any kind are in his past is enough to warrant being extra careful – because these sins indicate a weakness which is easily exploited in men – and unless you know the Girl who loves him personally and in a detached way, judging the full nature of her attachment to him is not possible either.

I would be careful, if I were you, not to cross the natural joy of seeing the healing of a family member in an apparently healthy heterosexual relationship – with the reality of that healing. Eg: don’t push for the relationship because you think it would be good for him, her, or both – as the pressure can cause a very bad choice to be made.

From the sound of things, he has crossed the threshold of repentance and putting that repentence into action – now there remains for him the natural consequences and damage done by the sins of the past, which must heal – and which only heal incrementally with time. There is no sin in remaining single, should he need to do so for his own emotional well being.

It might also be a good idea for him to do some charitable work which has nothing to do with sexaulity or marriage – because charity is a form of love. And when one loves in a detached way (a virtue) it naturally adds strength to the ability to love in an attached way – which is so distorted by pornography and the “objectification” of people which that causes.

Thank God you are in his family, and can pray and support him.
 
Thank all of you who have responded to my thread… it is a blessing to have such wonderful advice from each of you!
God Bless You!
 
Might want to Google NARTH if you are specifically interested in finding counseling from a perspective that doesn’t buy into the idea that same sex attractions are “natural and healthy.”
 
Will pray for him. The problem might be in part to confusing feelings with love. Feelings are important, but unreliable. Love is an act of the will. The truth is that sex has only one place–within the context of marriage between a man and a woman. If he discerns a call to be married, encourage him to pick up the cross and do it. Direct him to the courage site as another excellently suggested to help him sort out the feelings.
 
Search the parishs in your area for one that is sponsoring th 8 week "Created and Redeemed" sessions, by Christopher West [based upon JPII’s Theology of the Body] and encourage your family member to attend … perhaps even attend the sessions yourself …

The "Created and Redeemed" sessions are very powerful and life changing … the information is for everyone at any stage of life … And being in a setting where people are all struggling to understand God’s plan for us and how that is lived out through our sexuality is somehting your relative may respond too … after all, they are not alone or unigue in buying into the lies of our culture, they just may feel that way …
 
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