Sexuality Question! (Sorry if wrong category!)

[TanTran]

I don’t know if anyone can help me with my “burning question” (I’ve contacted numerous psychologists online yesterday, but no replies so far), but here goes:

I am nineteen years old, a junior in college, and I have been wondering about my sexuality for a long time. I guess I should start off by saying I grew-up in a very open-minded and accepting / tolerant setting, so I have always been keen to exploring new ideas. I have also been doing a lot of independent research about human sexual fluidity and psychological theories concerning men who have some homosexual tendencies supposedly due to lack of male bonding in early years. (*I am not necessarily validating this theory, just saying I saw it!) If either or both theory is true, I can honestly see why it could apply to me. I am not a “porn person” (odd for a college guy, I know), but there was a time in my life, for about two months, when I did find gay porn stimulating. However, after much contemplation and mediation (and research, because obviously I am a bit of a nerd), I could never see myself in an emotional relationship with another man, or even in a sexual / physical one. I have always had “crushes” (and for extended periods of time, which always ended in total disasters because I never got the courage to ask the good lady(s), lol) on women, and I do get sexually attracted to them. (especially AFTER becoming emotionally, romantically, spiritually, mentally, etc.) I’ve always wanted a wife (and biological children at some point)–a special lady to share my life with, not a man. (No offense to the men, lol) Still, I do occasionally see men who I find attractive (*Also note that 90% of the time it’s men I see as models in photographs (again I don’t go looking for porn, just in general), not really in person). I find myself stimulated, but like I said, I don’t think I could ever even kiss a man and enjoy it. Many people on public forums say it could grow with time, but I don’t see that ever happening. It’s just not part of who I truly believe I am. I would also like to note I am Asian-American, adopted by White people, and have had some self-image issues that I think is due to the fact that I don’t look like the race that raised me. (Not being racist, I love 'em!) I have noticed that men who I find attractive are White…could there be a connection in my psychology? (Like if the attraction could be due to my need to look like the ideal White man) Finally, I honestly just wonder about my future. (Who doesn’t, really?) I just want to find a good lady to spend the rest of my days with, but this is so important to me–my sexuality–and so intrinsic to the individual, that I must be honest about it.

CLEARLY, I need help…help?

Oh, and I am Catholic, so that’s why I came here! Again, just wanted to know any and all opinions!

 

[underacloud]

As long as your are attracted to women, the fact that you are also attracted to men is no impediment to you finding a suitable wife, and having a happy marriage and a family.

When we enter marriage, it is a unique relationship and we forsake all others. It would just be the case that the “all others” is a larger group for people who have attractions to both genders.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

All I really have to say is STAY AWAY from porn of any kind!! It has been proven that the more a person looks at porn, the more deviant he is likely to become and the less normal sex will interest or stimulate him. To the point where some men will end up into very deviant sex such as viewing child porn.

So just stay away from it entirely, and I would urge you to stop examining your attractions so thoroughly, but perhaps try to increase your confidence so that you can actually ask a girl out on a date.

Welcome to CAF!

 

[Bruised_Reed]

I don’t like to single out a particular member of the forum but I’m going to here. Check out this thread and read Prodigal_Son’s posts. He discusses the need for close same-sex friendships. There is quite a bit of disagreement on the thread (Welcome to CAF! ) and it isn’t the topic of the thread but I think the subject of some of his posts is something for you to consider.

 

[Rete]

Porn is what can cause your sexuality to drift. But if your crushes are all on women, then I wouldn’t worry about it. You’ll become more secure in your sexuality as you mature.

Still, don’t go looking for problems. Homosexuality brings with it all sorts of problems and risks that have nothing to do with the state of your soul.

It sounds like our debased culture is causing all this uncertainty. Since you have this issue now, then redouble your efforts at chastity for a while. Ask Christ for assistance.

But if you approach it like you are choosing between two equal things, then you are setting yourself up for a lot of troubles.

 

[epan]

Sexuality is fluid, especially at your age. Since you are attracted to women, and only see a woman as a possible emotional partner, then you are fine. One thing about impulses (including sexual ones), is that they are just that… impulses. You are not required to act on them.

If, on the other hand, you feel that you must act on your impulses, and they are more compulsions than impulses, then this is in conflict, as you know, with your Catholicism.

 

[TanTran]

Thank you, everyone! I appreciate all the responses and opinions; I will definitely take them into consideration & thoughtful mediation! I will pray, as well.

…and as for the “porn” issue, I don’t go looking for it, and to be perfectly honest, if I see anything that looks relatively like it, I truly don’t fantasize about it. I know that’s really odd for a guy, especially one in college, but I’d say that it’s pretty true for me. I sure as heck (not gonna use the other word, since this is a Catholic forum, lol) am NOT perfect, but I’d say I’m pretty pure, but yet very open to talking about sex / sexuality / feelings. (I was raised by French people, if you can’t already tell) The only time I got into it was that two-month period many years ago that I referred to in my original post, and even then it wasn’t addicting enough for me to find it “interesting” for long.

 

[TanTran]

As long as your are attracted to women, the fact that you are also attracted to men is no impediment to you finding a suitable wife, and having a happy marriage and a family.

When we enter marriage, it is a unique relationship and we forsake all others. It would just be the case that the “all others” is a larger group for people who have attractions to both genders.

→ After days of so much independent research (I’mma a nerd, don’t judge) looking through EVERY resource I could find, thoughtful mediation, prayer, contacting more clinical psychologists than the Internet could find on a Google search, and posting what seems like my whole life story on the top public forums…your post has been the most useful and inspirational that I’ve seen. Thank you, truly!

 

[underacloud]

I’m very pleased that you found my post helpful. welcome to CAF.

 

[Lasting_faith]

Hi!
You are nineteen and you are discovering your own sexuality. That is normal. You also know what you feel, and seem pretty sure of your status. So, I would say, no problem.

 

[holyrood]

I think 1) being able to differentiate attractive from unattractive members of your own sex doesn’t say anything about sexuality and 2) we live in a day and age when these things surround us and are even to an extent pushed on us, making many people think about things (and worry about things) that never would have even occurred to them in another time.

That you’re here and apparently interested in living a Catholic life speaks volumes.

Welcome to CAF.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

As long as your are attracted to women, the fact that you are also attracted to men is no impediment to you finding a suitable wife, and having a happy marriage and a family.

When we enter marriage, it is a unique relationship and we forsake all others. It would just be the case that the “all others” is a larger group for people who have attractions to both genders.

This certainly looks like good advice. Nevertheless, let me revise it somewhat.

As Bruised Reed hinted, I have a marriage and family, despite my attractions to men. Like you, I am also attracted to women, particularly my wife. So I guess I might be able to speak into your situation.

Underacloud said that being attracted to men is no impediment to marriage and family, since you’re also attracted to women. Maybe that *can *be true, but it’s not quite that straightforward. My observation is that men who are attracted to men are more prone to sexual sin than other men, partially because we feel ashamed of the attraction, and we feel like we need to hide it. But hidden things breed sin. I feel like, ideally, you would have at least a number of close friends that you could be fully open with, so that the shame doesn’t trip you up.

(Oh, and your future wife would have to be one of them).

Getting at the causes of your attractions might be interesting, but the important thing is to establish habits of prayer and habits of action that free you from sin. I have a whole lot of ideas on how to do this, if you want to hear me talk your cyber-ear off.

In your post, I felt like you might be downplaying your attraction, in a perhaps inaccurate way. I could be totally wrong about this. But I have described my attraction to men to a number of people, and it is always easier to downplay it, to say it’s “only this” or “only that”. Downplaying it has not been helpful. It took almost nine years of marriage before I admitted to my wife that my attraction was not merely to “images on the internet”, but that I have really desired to have sex (or “sex”) with men. Hiding this made me feel more shame and isolation, not less. And more shame/isolation breeds sin.

As for your desire to have a wife and kids, wonderful! The Lord wants your life to be life-giving, and marriage is a beautiful way to do that. I encourage you to acquire freedom from major sexual sin before marrying, so that you can establish your marriage in a place of freedom. Anything else is unfair to your future wife.

Blessings!
Prodigal

 

[Prodigal_Son]

I think 1) being able to differentiate attractive from unattractive members of your own sex doesn’t say anything about sexuality and 2) we live in a day and age when these things surround us and are even to an extent pushed on us, making many people think about things (and worry about things) that never would have even occurred to them in another time.

One does not find oneself looking at gay porn for two months because one can distinguish attractive men from unattractive men. Just sayin.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

In your post, I felt like you might be downplaying your attraction, in a perhaps inaccurate way. I could be totally wrong about this. But I have described my attraction to men to a number of people, and it is always easier to downplay it, to say it’s “only this” or “only that”. Downplaying it has not been helpful. It took almost nine years of marriage before I admitted to my wife that my attraction was not merely to “images on the internet”, but that I have really desired to have sex (or “sex”) with men. Hiding this made me feel more shame and isolation, not less. And more shame/isolation breeds sin.

It’s sad that well-meaning people would actually encourage you to hide it so much, perhaps some of them are not so well-meaning, after all, but well-meaning or not, they don’t seem to understand the shame and isolation that their attitudes create.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

It’s sad that well-meaning people would actually encourage you to hide it so much, perhaps some of them are not so well-meaning, after all, but well-meaning or not, they don’t seem to understand the shame and isolation that their attitudes create.

Many of them are really well-meaning. But they often seem to think that same-sex attraction is something really awful and should be hidden at all costs. The truth is, the reason SSA ends up being a major inducement to sin is usually because of the shame involved. If we take away the shame, and deal with it like any other temptation, it’s not awful.

This weed lives on darkness. Give it some light, and it shrivels.

 

[TanTran]

Thank you so much, everyone! Again, all advice really made me think! (What advice is supposed to do, lol) I am kind of thinking since it’s an attraction to a particular type of men (White), it may have something to do with my desire to look like the family / society I was raised in, despite my physical ethnicity. I don’t really see myself desiring for sexual relations with a member of the same sex, I believe it may just be my strong reaction of a subconscious desire to look like something I’m not. (White) Anyway, I am not thinking anything concrete as of now. Also, I was about as open and honest as I could, I’m not the type of person who likes to repress or hide my feelings / thoughts. (Again, raised by a French woman, lol) I have had dreams in the past where, in the dream, I was desiring that type of relation, but I’ve heard that dreams are one’s subconscious way of solving / thinking about things. No desire ever in “real life”.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

TanTran,

No desire ever in “real life”.

Porn is real life.

And I know you’re talking about how unrepressed you are, but you also seem very disturbed by your attractions – I mean, look at all the research you’re doing. But there’s nothing disturbing about being attracted to men, or white men, or whatever. It’s normal enough. It’s a temptation.

So why are you so stressed out about it? I think there’s a more concrete worry here, that you’re not sharing. You said:

Finally, I honestly just wonder about my future. (Who doesn’t, really?) I just want to find a good lady to spend the rest of my days with, but this is so important to me–my sexuality–and so intrinsic to the individual, that I must be honest about it.

When you say “your sexuality” is so important to you, what do you mean by that? What are you afraid of?

 

[TanTran]

Good point, good point.

I simply meant I’ve never had that desire with another living, breathing person who isn’t just a picture of an idealized White man I happen to see. I know it’s hard to explain, but I don’t think I truly desire to be with another man in a sexual way–I just have a very strong attraction to the idea of being an attractive White man, though I am not myself. (Probably, like I’ve said before, because of growing up in a White home, in a White society, not that I have a problem with White people) I’m also more curious than “disturbed”. I never said, nor felt, truly stressed like I’m going “over the edge”, it’s just something I’d like to come to more of definitive conclusion as I grow older. Human sexuality is such an intellectually intriguing topic that I love to research about it, and the fact that it’s so personal makes it even more compelling. Everyone “worries” about their future. Sorry if that made an alarm bell go off for you. Basically, I’m actively searching for more information & experiencing life as it pertains to my identity (and being open about my feelings), but NOT “disturbed” or “ashamed” about who I am. Sorry!

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Good point, good point.

I simply meant I’ve never had that desire with another living, breathing person who isn’t just a picture of an idealized White man I happen to see. I know it’s hard to explain, but I don’t think I truly desire to be with another man in a sexual way–I just have a very strong attraction to the idea of being an attractive White man, though I am not myself. (Probably, like I’ve said before, because of growing up in a White home, in a White society, not that I have a problem with White people) I’m also more curious than “disturbed”. I never said, nor felt, truly stressed like I’m going “over the edge”, it’s just something I’d like to come to more of definitive conclusion as I grow older. Human sexuality is such an intellectually intriguing topic that I love to research about it, and the fact that it’s so personal makes it even more compelling. Everyone “worries” about their future. Sorry if that made an alarm bell go off for you. Basically, I’m actively searching for more information & experiencing life as it pertains to my identity (and being open about my feelings), but NOT “disturbed” or “ashamed” about who I am. Sorry!

OK, first of all, let me revise something I said. I said “there’s nothing disturbing about being attracted to men.” Actually, from the inside of the experience, I think there is something disturbing – in my experience, at least. What I should have said is that there is nothing terrible or shameful about it.

But here’s the reason I’m pushing you, a bit. Because I have said those exact words, many times, to people. “I like looking at men, I like their bodies, I’m aroused by them, but I don’t want to **do **anything with them.” For me, that was a lie I was telling myself. Really, inside, I was terribly curious about homosexual sex – and to be “curious” means to “want to know what it’s like”.

I imagine you do want to know what it’s like. Will that desire prompt you to do something someday, to find out? How would that affect your marriage? I think these are important questions. Don’t be afraid of them. If God wants you married, He will provide a means for you to be faithful. But you need to be honest with yourself.

So what is your sexual identity? Do you really think it’s deeply intricate and complicated? Is it some profound and unique fact about you?

I don’t know. On one level, your sexual desires and proclivities are surely not fixed and immobile. Example: I used to find black guys completely uninteresting, but more exposure to them made them more attractive. You don’t have some “sexual identity”, that is determined by your sexual desires.

By the way, your sexual identity – from a Catholic viewpoint – is that you are a man. That is an awesome thing to be!

 

[TanTran]

Well that’s true, to a certain extent, all people, myself included, are curious to know what certain sexual experiences feel like, with those of the same sex or otherwise. Yes, of course I wonder at times, and yes, these are all questions I should answer if I do indeed marry. So, I guess you’re right: I do have desires in the sense that the physical characteristics of some men arouse me. I just would like to make the point that I think it has at least something to do (maybe not all) with my own self-image issues of being Asian, and not White. (And this was more of an issue back before high school, I have come to some confidence and no longer view my features with lack of esteem–though the desire, on some level, to be White, is still there) Sorry, didn’t mean to get highly defensive, I have this discomfort of getting in fights over the Internet, and I thought that may have been your intent, but now I see it’s not. Tone is so hard to get over text! You have made good points, I concede defeat.