Shaky Marriage, Shaky Catholicism

[HAnne]

10 years ago when my husband asked me to marry him less than 24 hours passed before I told him I was more than willing to convert to Catholicism as he is Catholic (then and currently non-practicing). My father and grandmother were both Catholic, as well as my brother (from my father’s 2nd marriage). I feel a closeness with Catholicism that I don’t feel with other more transient Protestant religions despite being raised in one.

I have made the offer to convert at least twice a year since that time. He has never accepted it.

All of a sudden, this past weekend, he admitted to me that he “didn’t want to tell me what to do”. I asked if it would please him if our family converted to Catholicism and he said yes and asked me to do research on the local parishes so I can “pick” which one I think would be best as he works Sundays and will not be able to attend Mass with us (there are no weekday Masses available where we live).

Yesterday I asked him what he would like me to look for and he basically told me that he doesn’t care as long as we can find somewhere that we can do CCD around Boy Scouts (which unfortunately meets on Wednesday afternoons). What came next is what’s causing me to question. He told me that under no circumstances will he allow our son to be taken out of Boy Scouts OR the troop he currently belongs to in order to “accommodate Catholicism”.

This has placed me in a rather awkward and precarious position. I have always approached my Christianity with great love and respect. I have been active in my churches and greatly enjoyed making my contributions as an offering to Christ. I actually feel awkward and out of place when I can’t worship the Lord by serving him. I truly believe we are to place NOTHING in higher importance than Him. This is especially true when raising children.

If I cannot find a CCD class that is not “interfering” with Scouting between the 4 parishes within an hour of our home, does anyone have any suggestions on how we should proceed? I feel my husband’s staunch position that he will not “accommodate Catholicism” places me in a very precarious situation that Catholicism is not nearly as important to him as other life matters. While I agree that accommodating our son’s only activity he does with DH is extremely important, I disagree that it should come before the Lord.

Thank you in advance for any help you can give me on this. It has placed me in a very awkward place of constant self-questioning about this entire process.

(Edited to fix my grammar and spelling mistakes)

 

[RosaryCrusader]

If I can make a recommendation: Look for the FSSP (Fraternity of St. Peter) and see if they’re in your area. Not only will you receive 100% Catholic teaching but they also work one on one (or with your family in your case) and because of this their schedule can be manipulated to more easily fit your schedule. Some people will object to this next part but I would also recommend SSPX (Society of St. Pius X) for religious instruction if FSSP is not available. There is also the Institute of Christ the King (ICK). Going with a normal diocesan parish these days is really a role of the dice as you never know what you’re going to get. Let me know if you would like help locating the above Priestly fraternities.

Also, not to pick on your husband, but it is rather sad - but is to be expected from a non-practicing catholic. You sound like a good wife and I’m sure once you come all the way through those Catholic doors your prayers and good example will win for your family inumerable graces. I’ll keep you and yours in my prayers.

God Bless,

RC

 

[puzzleannie]

I am having trouble understanding the chronology of OP, and the priorities assigned to the practice of the faith by the parents. If I am misreading accept my apologies and clarify. There is no obligation on the part of a non-Catholic who marries a Catholic (who has obtained the proper permission) to become Catholic. That the non-Catholic party comes to that decision later in marriage is a tribute to the faith of the Catholic party and to her own response to the action of the Holy Spirit. I am not able to understand the rest of the post however. How would the decision to become Catholic hinge on the timing of children’s programming in the Parish? Simply join the parish in which the Catholic partner is already a member. Obviously since the Catholic party made a solemn binding promise to God and the Church to raise his child Catholic, his religious education comes ahead of all other activities, including one as beneficial as Scouting. If the Catholic parent does not understand this, the partner who is converting can help educate him on his responsibilities. It ought not to be difficult to find a religious education class at the present or neighboring parish that fits the family’s schedule, but the full initiation of the parent should not be a factor. what am I missing?

 

[HAnne]

If I can make a recommendation: Look for the FSSP (Fraternity of St. Peter) and see if they’re in your area. Not only will you receive 100% Catholic teaching but they also work one on one (or with your family in your case) and because of this their schedule can be manipulated to more easily fit your schedule. Some people will object to this next part but I would also recommend SSPX (Society of St. Pius X) for religious instruction if FSSP is not available. There is also the Institute of Christ the King (ICK). Going with a normal diocesan parish these days is really a role of the dice as you never know what you’re going to get. Let me know if you would like help locating the above Priestly fraternities.

Also, not to pick on your husband, but it is rather sad - but is to be expected from a non-practicing catholic. You sound like a good wife and I’m sure once you come all the way through those Catholic doors your prayers and good example will win for your family inumerable graces. I’ll keep you and yours in my prayers.

God Bless,

RC

Rosary Crusader ~

Thank you so very much for your kindness. Unfortunately FSSP and SSPX are at the closest 300+ miles from my home. (Serves me right for moving to the sticks! lol) That’s one crazy weekly commute for CCD! lol

Being the daughter of what I call a Lightbulb Catholic (on again, off again) I’m well aware of the problems with non-practicing Catholics. Thank you so much for your kind words about me. I do my very best to be a good Christian wife and I sincerely hope that I will be a good Catholic one as well someday soon!

 

[puzzleannie]

Being the daughter of what I call a Lightbulb Catholic (on again, off again) I’m well aware of the problems with non-Catholics. Thank you so much for your kind words about me. I do my very best to be a good Christian wife and I sincerely hope that I will be a good Catholic one as well someday soon!

I suspect that as in so many families, including my own, the “convert” will become the “converter” (may I use the Lightbulb analogy? it’s great), you are being given this grace for a reason

 

[LucyLou]

There is always the possiblity of finding a Catholic Church with a Boy Scout program. I would look into the different parishes and find out what time the CCD programs are. If you have 4 churches available, I would suspect you will have choices. Also, check the internet for the diocese, and see what is available. You may be worrying early about nothing. I would also find out which one has an RCIA program that you can join. It is a great place to start to learn more about the Catholic Church as well as learning while your children are learning. If you are serious about joining the Church, you will need to do a program. You also may have to use 2 different churches, one for the kids and one for you. There is nothing wrong with that if a program is not available. I go to many different churches when they have a bible study program that I want to attend. I make many great Catholic friends that way. (but I live in a big city and have many choices)

A wife’s faith in God is a great example for her husband. Our job as spouses, is to get our spouse to heaven. To quote Father Corapi … “your hair shirt may be sitting right beside you”. Never give up and keep praying.

 

[kozlosap]

There are many parishes that have their own Boy Scout troops! It sounds like your husband is looking for obstacles to returning to the Faith, so try and make it as easy as possible. I’m not sure if I would recommend a fully Latin parish for your first experience and your husband’s “coming home” to the Church - sometimes it is better to experience the Celebration of the Eucharist in the vernacular. If later on you decide that you do not like the Ordinary Form of the Mass then you can switch to a parish that celebrates the Extraordinary Form (Latin). (I realize that I’m a minority on this forum, I love the Ordinary Form of the Mass that is celebrated at my parish.) I wish you much happiness and joy in joining the Body of Christ. Even if your husband decides not to attend, you and your son should become Catholic. I will pray for your family!

 

[HAnne]

I am having trouble understanding the chronology of OP, and the priorities assigned to the practice of the faith by the parents. If I am misreading accept my apologies and clarify. There is no obligation on the part of a non-Catholic who marries a Catholic (who has obtained the proper permission) to become Catholic. That the non-Catholic party comes to that decision later in marriage is a tribute to the faith of the Catholic party and to her own response to the action of the Holy Spirit. I am not able to understand the rest of the post however. How would the decision to become Catholic hinge on the timing of children’s programming in the Parish? Simply join the parish in which the Catholic partner is already a member. Obviously since the Catholic party made a solemn binding promise to God and the Church to raise his child Catholic, his religious education comes ahead of all other activities, including one as beneficial as Scouting. If the Catholic parent does not understand this, the partner who is converting can help educate him on his responsibilities. It ought not to be difficult to find a religious education class at the present or neighboring parish that fits the family’s schedule, but the full initiation of the parent should not be a factor. what am I missing?

I’ll do my best to clear up the questions at hand.

My husband is not a practicing Catholic and has not been active in the Catholic church for well over a decade. We are nowhere near his original Catholic Church’s home (2000 miles away). We have 4 parishes within reasonable driving distance (1 hour) of our home. 3 of those parishes are under the same leadership due to 2 of them being exceptionally small because we live out in a very rural area. My husband does not have a current parish and has asked me to choose one with the exception that it cannot interfere with our son’s Scouting meetings nor is he willing to change our son’s Scout group.

I agree completely that regardless of what religion our son is raised in it comes before all other things. I have never budged on this fact while raising my son as a Christian because my husband was not desiring to be involved with the Catholic Church. Unfortunately my Catholic husband does not agree and is not willing to budge on the issue of Catholicism interfering with Scouting. With a very limited number of parishes with CCD (only 2) I am extremely concerned that there may not be a possibility of finding a CCD program that will go around his Scouting group.

I am trying to find out what other viable options there may be in this case, if any.

Thank you so much for attempting to understand my rambling. I am not familiar with how the Catholic Church operates but am doing my very best to try and understand so I can meet the needs of my family.

 

[HAnne]

There are many parishes that have their own Boy Scout troops! It sounds like your husband is looking for obstacles to returning to the Faith, so try and make it as easy as possible. I’m not sure if I would recommend a fully Latin parish for your first experience and your husband’s “coming home” to the Church - sometimes it is better to experience the Celebration of the Eucharist in the vernacular. If later on you decide that you do not like the Ordinary Form of the Mass then you can switch to a parish that celebrates the Extraordinary Form (Latin). (I realize that I’m a minority on this forum, I love the Ordinary Form of the Mass that is celebrated at my parish.) I wish you much happiness and joy in joining the Body of Christ. Even if your husband decides not to attend, you and your son should become Catholic. I will pray for your family!

(and LucyLou)

I would love to move him to another troop in Scouting to remedy the problem. Unfortunately my husband is the Assistant Scoutmaster of the current group and refuses to move him to another troop. Yes, he is putting up road blocks but in my attempt to encourage him back to the Church I am determined to break them down. That’s why I came here to all you lovely people who are so kind to answer and help with my very confused soul so I can sort through truth vs. “it’s impossible, let it go, I’m not going back” from his end.

Yes, I am aware I need RCIA and the classes are offered at all of the parishes. I may need to do a little juggling but that’s not a problem. I am already roughly familiar with both EF and OF as the daughter of a Catholic. I used to help teach music at my little brother’s Catholic school and attended mass with the children regularly as well as chaperoning field trips. We don’t have anywhere local with an EF Mass so OF it shall be regardless. (I actually like EF - I studied Latin in college!)

Thank you both for your kind words and desire to help. I greatly appreciate your assistance!

 

[HAnne]

I suspect that as in so many families, including my own, the “convert” will become the “converter” (may I use the Lightbulb analogy? it’s great), you are being given this grace for a reason

You may use my Lightbulb analogy anytime you would like! It’s the easiest way to explain it in my opinion!

 

[RosaryCrusader]

Rosary Crusader ~

Thank you so very much for your kindness. Unfortunately FSSP and SSPX are at the closest 300+ miles from my home. (Serves me right for moving to the sticks! lol) That’s one crazy weekly commute for CCD! lol

Being the daughter of what I call a Lightbulb Catholic (on again, off again) I’m well aware of the problems with non-practicing Catholics. Thank you so much for your kind words about me. I do my very best to be a good Christian wife and I sincerely hope that I will be a good Catholic one as well someday soon!

HAnne, well, seeing how you’re limited up there in Montanna (didn’t look at your location until now) I would try to find the most orthodox Priest you have out of the four parishes and see if he’ll be willing to work within your constraints. Priests understand these scenarios (even St. Paul had to address them) but the good thing is your husband is not actively opposing your entry into the Church and is at least passive about it. That’s a blessing right there.

Please keep up posted on your progress and rest assured knowing you have others praying for you and your family.

 

[uxordepp]

After reading the clarifications, my first thought was bless you for considering a 1 hour trip reasonable to attend Mass!

Keep this in prayer, HAnne. God has a way of getting things worked out!

 

[HAnne]

HAnne, well, seeing how you’re limited up there in Montanna (didn’t look at your location until now) I would try to find the most orthodox Priest you have out of the four parishes and see if he’ll be willing to work within your constraints. Priests understand these scenarios (even St. Paul had to address them) but the good thing is your husband is not actively opposing your entry into the Church and is at least passive about it. That’s a blessing right there.

Please keep up posted on your progress and rest assured knowing you have others praying for you and your family.

I agree completely. We found one that might work. Our son may have to give up 1/2 his Scout meeting, but it is feasible. They would like us to come to a Reconciliation Prep meeting tonight or tomorrow if DS will be going there as this is the first meeting of the year for them. The other parish I have not yet heard back from. Hopefully I will hear from the other parish by tomorrow afternoon so we can make a good decision.

I am also going to talk with the Scout leadership on Wednesday about possibly bumping the meeting up a half hour. There has to be a way to make this work!

I promise I will keep you all posted on what comes to be. My greatest thanks to those praying for prayer can move mountains!

 

[Bluegoat]

From what I understand, it is possible to do CCD at home.

Perhaps your husband feels that he has made a commitment to scouting that he can’t back out on at this point?

If possible, I would avoid confrontation on this at this point. If you can get them going to church regularly as a family, that may begin to make a difference in your lives that may affect their attitude in this.

 

[HAnne]

From what I understand, it is possible to do CCD at home.

I could KISS you!!! (but I won’t - I’m married! ) lol

I’m already a homeshooler with a son who is “2E” (special needs and gifted). Part of me was wondering if the CCD people were going to need help working with my son because of these issues. I had “heard” it might be possible to teach it at home but hearing it again is making my heart soar!!!

 

[StFrancisXavier]

The Scouts can’t save his soul. Learning the faith will.

 

[HAnne]

The Scouts can’t save his soul. Learning the faith will.

I understand this. 100%. I’ve been a Christian all of my life and place an immense amount of my time and energy into the church. Despite not being a Catholic yet, I agree 100% that Catholicism MUST come first if we are to become a Catholic family.

Please do not misunderstand me. This is why I clarified. I am not the one preventing this. My husband is the one who is insisting on the Scouts. Not me.

That said, I DO believe in my heart of hearts that as his wife I am to submit to his will according to the Bible. This is MY belief. He doesn’t even agree with me on that. If this is his will, then I need to find a way to make it work. I’m doing everything that I can to keep him happy and to raise our son in the faith.

 

[StFrancisXavier]

I understand this. 100%. I’ve been a Christian all of my life and place an immense amount of my time and energy into the church. Despite not being a Catholic yet, I agree 100% that Catholicism MUST come first if we are to become a Catholic family.

Please do not misunderstand me. This is why I clarified. I am not the one preventing this. My husband is the one who is insisting on the Scouts. Not me.

That said, I DO believe in my heart of hearts that as his wife I am to submit to his will according to the Bible. This is MY belief. He doesn’t even agree with me on that. If this is his will, then I need to find a way to make it work. I’m doing everything that I can to keep him happy and to raise our son in the faith.

If his will is in contradiction to God’s will, God comes first.

 

[Holly3278]

10 years ago when my husband asked me to marry him less than 24 hours passed before I told him I was more than willing to convert to Catholicism as he is Catholic (then and currently non-practicing). My father and grandmother were both Catholic, as well as my brother (from my father’s 2nd marriage). I feel a closeness with Catholicism that I don’t feel with other more transient Protestant religions despite being raised in one.

I have made the offer to convert at least twice a year since that time. He has never accepted it.

All of a sudden, this past weekend, he admitted to me that he “didn’t want to tell me what to do”. I asked if it would please him if our family converted to Catholicism and he said yes and asked me to do research on the local parishes so I can “pick” which one I think would be best as he works Sundays and will not be able to attend Mass with us (there are no weekday Masses available where we live).

Yesterday I asked him what he would like me to look for and he basically told me that he doesn’t care as long as we can find somewhere that we can do CCD around Boy Scouts (which unfortunately meets on Wednesday afternoons). What came next is what’s causing me to question. He told me that under no circumstances will he allow our son to be taken out of Boy Scouts OR the troop he currently belongs to in order to “accommodate Catholicism”.

This has placed me in a rather awkward and precarious position. I have always approached my Christianity with great love and respect. I have been active in my churches and greatly enjoyed making my contributions as an offering to Christ. I actually feel awkward and out of place when I can’t worship the Lord by serving him. I truly believe we are to place NOTHING in higher importance than Him. This is especially true when raising children.

If I cannot find a CCD class that is not “interfering” with Scouting between the 4 parishes within an hour of our home, does anyone have any suggestions on how we should proceed? I feel my husband’s staunch position that he will not “accommodate Catholicism” places me in a very precarious situation that Catholicism is not nearly as important to him as other life matters. While I agree that accommodating our son’s only activity he does with DH is extremely important, I disagree that it should come before the Lord.

Thank you in advance for any help you can give me on this. It has placed me in a very awkward place of constant self-questioning about this entire process.

(Edited to fix my grammar and spelling mistakes)

What is there to accommodate? Is this Scout troupe very anti-Catholic? If so, train your son to do apologetics! Not only will that strengthen his faith, it’ll help him to refute anti-Catholicism and possibly gain converts for Christ as well! I really don’t understand what else there could be to accommodate unless this troupe has very liberal morals or something. If that’s the case, again, apologetics will help! If it’s anything at all to do with the Faith, apologetics can likely help out immensely.

That said, are Scout Troupes even allowed to discriminate based upon religion? I didn’t think they were. I thought they were freely allowed to reject Atheists, those with no religion, and homosexuals but I had never heard of any other restrictions on membership before.

 

[Bluegoat]

What is there to accommodate? Is this Scout troupe very anti-Catholic? If so, train your son to do apologetics! Not only will that strengthen his faith, it’ll help him to refute anti-Catholicism and possibly gain converts for Christ as well! I really don’t understand what else there could be to accommodate unless this troupe has very liberal morals or something. If that’s the case, again, apologetics will help! If it’s anything at all to do with the Faith, apologetics can likely help out immensely.

That said, are Scout Troupes even allowed to discriminate based upon religion? I didn’t think they were. I thought they were freely allowed to reject Atheists, those with no religion, and homosexuals but I had never heard of any other restrictions on membership before.

The issue is whether the scout troops meetings will interfere with the CCD classes.