S
sugarmouse
Guest
(I’ll try my best not to be too graphic with this)
Anyway, from the earliest I can remember, I committed acts of “self abuse”, probably at least from the age of four or five. Didn’t know what it was, of course, and just did it because it felt “nice”. My parents never knew about it, because even without knowing what it was, I’d never seen anyone else do this in public, so assumed it was either something private that you didn’t talk about, like going to the bathroom, or that it was something that I’d invented
In any case, because no one knew about it, no one stopped me. It wasn’t until age 12 or 13 that I first saw the word “masturbation” and wondered if that was what it was. Unfortunately, the place I read about it was an older friend’s “teen” magazines, that assured the reader that masturbation was perfectly normal and natural, and not a problem. So I was starting to connect the dots. My parents didn’t talk to me about sex or anything like that, so that was all the information I had.
About 15 or 16, I was starting to learn more about my Catholic faith after knowing practically nothing, but by then it was a really bad habit. When I realised that it was a mortal sin, I was really afraid, and stopped pretty much immediately. I went to confession (on holiday, so a different priest, which made me feel less embarrassed). The priest told me, “I bet you’ve been carrying this shame with you for a long time, so I ask you to please just leave the shame here [in the confessional] and not carry it with you any more”.
I’m happy to say that even though it was a really bad habit, it was relatively easy to get over, thank God. I still struggle with impure thoughts (although it’s getting a lot easier), but I haven’t committed self abuse since that confession years ago.
However, the shame is still there sometimes. Even though I didn’t know it was a mortal sin, I still knew for years that it was something sexual but did it anyway. At least once, I even fantasised about having sex at the same time. I’m a virgin, but sometimes I don’t feel like one, and I’m ashamed by what I let myself do. And I’m worried that if I get married someday, my husband is going to think less of me if I tell him what I used to do.
Does anyone have any advice or resources to get over all this?
Anyway, from the earliest I can remember, I committed acts of “self abuse”, probably at least from the age of four or five. Didn’t know what it was, of course, and just did it because it felt “nice”. My parents never knew about it, because even without knowing what it was, I’d never seen anyone else do this in public, so assumed it was either something private that you didn’t talk about, like going to the bathroom, or that it was something that I’d invented
In any case, because no one knew about it, no one stopped me. It wasn’t until age 12 or 13 that I first saw the word “masturbation” and wondered if that was what it was. Unfortunately, the place I read about it was an older friend’s “teen” magazines, that assured the reader that masturbation was perfectly normal and natural, and not a problem. So I was starting to connect the dots. My parents didn’t talk to me about sex or anything like that, so that was all the information I had.
About 15 or 16, I was starting to learn more about my Catholic faith after knowing practically nothing, but by then it was a really bad habit. When I realised that it was a mortal sin, I was really afraid, and stopped pretty much immediately. I went to confession (on holiday, so a different priest, which made me feel less embarrassed). The priest told me, “I bet you’ve been carrying this shame with you for a long time, so I ask you to please just leave the shame here [in the confessional] and not carry it with you any more”.
I’m happy to say that even though it was a really bad habit, it was relatively easy to get over, thank God. I still struggle with impure thoughts (although it’s getting a lot easier), but I haven’t committed self abuse since that confession years ago.
However, the shame is still there sometimes. Even though I didn’t know it was a mortal sin, I still knew for years that it was something sexual but did it anyway. At least once, I even fantasised about having sex at the same time. I’m a virgin, but sometimes I don’t feel like one, and I’m ashamed by what I let myself do. And I’m worried that if I get married someday, my husband is going to think less of me if I tell him what I used to do.
Does anyone have any advice or resources to get over all this?