Sharing a bed with someone of the opposite gender

[EphelDuath]

I have a friend, let’s call her Jane, who has in her life been severely sexually abused and also recently has lost two family members. She has horrifying nightmares from which she wakes up crying, and also becomes deeply depressed when left alone for long periods of time. Both of these things happens multiple times on a daily basis.

I consider her to be my little sister because I try to be there for her, protect her and go to Mass and confession together. I try my very hardest not to sexualize her in any way, though to be honest, sometimes I do have un-virtuous thoughts about Jane (but I have never acted on them). I’m assuming her relationship with me is basically the same – she calls me big brother – but I really don’t know.

Is it a sin if I sleep in the same bed as her? She tells me that it is a really deep comfort for her when somebody she loves is there when she wakes up from a nightmare, but if I am leading us both into sin, then that is not the right solution.

God bless.

 

[LeafByNiggle]

That would depend on more of the particulars that only you know. But it looks like a possible source of scandal, as well as an unnecessary risk. Couldn’t the same purpose be served by sleeping in a nearby room? You could still be available for consolation without as much risk in sending the wrong message to “Jane”. Also, I suggest getting her professional help to deal with her extraordinary problems.

 

[Sam_777]

That would depend on more of the particulars that only you know. But it looks like a possible source of scandal, as well as an unnecessary risk. Couldn’t the same purpose be served by sleeping in a nearby room? You could still be available for consolation without as much risk in sending the wrong message to “Jane”. Also, I suggest getting her professional help to deal with her extraordinary problems.

http://forums.catholic-questions.org/images/icons/icon14.gif I totally agree with you.

 

[PiousTemplar]

I don’t see how it could be a problem under the right circumstances. If the impure thoughts are intrusive, like, they come uninvited, then thats not really a problem.

 

[fbl9]

That would depend on more of the particulars that only you know. But it looks like a possible source of scandal, as well as an unnecessary risk. Couldn’t the same purpose be served by sleeping in a nearby room? You could still be available for consolation without as much risk in sending the wrong message to “Jane”. Also, I suggest getting her professional help to deal with her extraordinary problems.

Or perhaps a seperate bed beside her.

 

[JRKH]

Or perhaps a seperate bed beside her.

This was my thought as well. Though I think the idea of seperate rooms is better.

EphelDuath,
I believe your heart is in the right place and that you are trying to act out of proper Love and concern so I don’t think there is sin involved. However, there is danger on several levels.
Probably the biggest is the fact that she had been sexually abused and, depending on how, by whom and when, this can cause severe emotional and relationship issues. I know of one girl who struggles because she can only see her own worth in a “sexual” way…Her desire to have you this near to her (even in the same bed) could be a reflection of this type of thinking.

I agree with others who say that you need to get her into serious councilling.
You then need to be there for her, but in a very clearly defined way. Near enough to comfort but far enough to a) prevent sin and b) show the greatest level of respect for her.

Peace
James

 

[teachccd]

This was my thought as well. Though I think the idea of seperate rooms is better.

EphelDuath,
I believe your heart is in the right place and that you are trying to act out of proper Love and concern so I don’t think there is sin involved. However, there is danger on several levels.
Probably the biggest is the fact that she had been sexually abused and, depending on how, by whom and when, this can cause severe emotional and relationship issues. I know of one girl who struggles because she can only see her own worth in a “sexual” way…Her desire to have you this near to her (even in the same bed) could be a reflection of this type of thinking.

I agree with others who say that you need to get her into serious councilling.
You then need to be there for her, but in a very clearly defined way. Near enough to comfort but far enough to a) prevent sin and b) show the greatest level of respect for her.

Peace
James

Great post! Yes, I second her need for some serious counseling. I would highly discourage the OP from sleeping with her in the same bed. If she really needs that kind of closeness there’s no telling what with her past she could even claim. I think that he means well but even he admits to having sexual thoughts and that might be a road to disaster. Besides, can he do this for the rest of their lives? If not, then do what must be done now… teachccd

 

[EphelDuath]

Just to clarify: she is receiving both counseling and therapy at the moment. I am only doing this because she says that her life is much less terrible when there’s a friend to wake up from a horrible nightmare next to, but if everyone is in agreement that I am doing something wrong, then I will stop.

Thank you and God bless.

 

[JRKH]

Just to clarify: she is receiving both counseling and therapy at the moment. I am only doing this because she says that her life is much less terrible when there’s a friend to wake up from a horrible nightmare next to, but if everyone is in agreement that I am doing something wrong, then I will stop.

Thank you and God bless.

Glad to hear that she is getting professional help.

Just to be clear, none of us are saying that what you are doing is wrong per-se, but it certainly has the potential for serious problems.
I would suggest that, in addition to what we have told you that you speak with your confessor about the matter and possibly even her therapist. These two people would be in a far better position to give advice than we are.

God bless you for your carnig heart.

Peace
James

 

[teachccd]

Glad to hear that she is getting professional help.

Just to be clear, none of us are saying that what you are doing is wrong per-se, but it certainly has the potential for serious problems.
I would suggest that, in addition to what we have told you that you speak with your confessor about the matter and possibly even her therapist. These two people would be in a far better position to give advice than we are.

God bless you for your carnig heart.

Peace
James

This post is golden. There really are no words that can top this. A great synopsis of the entire thread!

 

[white_sheep]

There’s the possibility of giving scandal and the near occasion of sin, both of which should be avoided. I won’t say it is necessarily wrong, though, but I would try to keep it temporary. If there was a separate bed in the room it would be better.

 

[ddarko]

I have a friend, let’s call her Jane, who has in her life been severely sexually abused and also recently has lost two family members. She has horrifying nightmares from which she wakes up crying, and also becomes deeply depressed when left alone for long periods of time. Both of these things happens multiple times on a daily basis.

I consider her to be my little sister because I try to be there for her, protect her and go to Mass and confession together. I try my very hardest not to sexualize her in any way, though to be honest, sometimes I do have un-virtuous thoughts about Jane (but I have never acted on them). I’m assuming her relationship with me is basically the same – she calls me big brother – but I really don’t know.

Is it a sin if I sleep in the same bed as her? She tells me that it is a really deep comfort for her when somebody she loves is there when she wakes up from a nightmare, but if I am leading us both into sin, then that is not the right solution.

God bless.

Something you might also want to consider, if you do not have any idea of continuing this relationship to the level of marrying her one day, then what would she do after one day you get married?

Also, how would you explain to your potential spouse that you need to sleep and cohabit with someone else while you are considering marriage to someone else?

At the same time, what about her? How would she be able to explain her need to have you sleep with her to her potential spouse when she first meets him?

Now even if you decide to marry this person one day and she you, co-habitation is not the best thing to do for discernment if she is the one. We all suffer the effects of Concupiscence. And as others have said here, there is the sin of scandal.

So I think you might want to consider perhaps introducing her to another female friend or sister of yours who might be willing to help her out. Also, if possible, involving her mother or family might also be helpful. I do not think sharing a bed or sharing a room for that matter is morally or psychologically healthy for either of you.

God Bless

 

[VonDerTann]

I’m sorry, but I believe what OP is doing IS “wrong per se,” and I cannot believe others are saying it isn’t. A “near occasion of sin” does not go far enough, IMHO. Let me elaborate.

1. IMHO, sleeping in the same bed is something SPOUSES do, rather than anyone else. Doing otherwise IMHO is a form of “playing married” and tends to devalue an aspect of married life that is just that – an aspect of married life.
2. To say nothing of the sin of scandal, merely sleeping in the same bed places both parties in a grave jeopardy of “going further”. IMHO, “sleeping in the same bed with a female with whom OP has sexual thoughts,” AND who also happens to be emotionally taxed/overwrought/whatever, is IMHO so dangerously close to leading to bigger sins that it cannot be condoned in any way.
3. I am sorry that OP’s friend has these horrible nightmares…however, “sleeping in the same bed” is NOT the way to solve the girlfriend’s problems, far from it - I can even conceive of how it can make them worse. What happens when GF does not say, “having you near me makes me feel better,” but instead says, “having sex would make all the pain go away.”? Must that happen? No, but that’s not my point. My point is that there are some acts which, even if done with a pure intention, simply exceed what we can/should do for someone else. IMHO, this is one of them. GF needs ongoing professional help, NOT OP sleeping in her bed. Period.
4. Finally, OP, I notice that you say you will stop “if everyone is in agreement.” It doesn’t work that way. Some things are wrong whether people are “in agreement that they are wrong” or not. This, IMHO, is one such thing.

-VdT

 

[Sam_777]

I would highly discourage the OP from sleeping with her in the same bed.

So I think you might want to consider perhaps introducing her to another female friend or sister of yours who might be willing to help her out. Also, if possible, involving her mother or family might also be helpful. I do not think sharing a bed or sharing a room for that matter is morally or psychologically healthy for either of you.

I’m sorry, but I believe what OP is doing IS “wrong per se,” and I cannot believe others are saying it isn’t. A “near occasion of sin” does not go far enough, IMHO.

http://forums.catholic-questions.org/images/icons/icon14.gif well said…

 

[Reuben_J]

I have a friend, let’s call her Jane, who has in her life been severely sexually abused and also recently has lost two family members. She has horrifying nightmares from which she wakes up crying, and also becomes deeply depressed when left alone for long periods of time. Both of these things happens multiple times on a daily basis.

I consider her to be my little sister because I try to be there for her, protect her and go to Mass and confession together. I try my very hardest not to sexualize her in any way, though to be honest,** sometimes I do have un-virtuous thoughts about Jane (but I have never acted on them). **I’m assuming her relationship with me is basically the same – she calls me big brother – but I really don’t know.

Is it a sin if I sleep in the same bed as her? She tells me that it is a really deep comfort for her when somebody she loves is there when she wakes up from a nightmare, but if I am leading us both into sin, then that is not the right solution.

God bless.

I concur with the other posters who have given very sound advice here. Yes, it is not right and it is not the right solution either. The fact that you have sexual thought about her (even though you did not act on it) should give you a sign that the arrangement you made to sleep together on the same bed is not right from the start. If you really are concerned for her, you should stop this. There are other ways in which you can show that concern. Anyway, she cannot escape from sleeping alone; she has to one day but if she really needs to, perhaps find a friend of the same sex, if possible. Since she is undergoing therapy treatment, there is as much that one can do.

I don’t know. I am not saying I have a solution but it’s not right to sleep together on the same bed and maybe that’s the solution for you and allows the therapist to advice her on what to do next. Don’t get me wrong - you mean well and that’s indeed commendable; now it’s to get wiser and not putting yourself and her in a situation where it could be bad for both of you.

God bless.

 

[dfp42]

I agree one moment of weakness is all it would take to break your friendship or feelings for one another. One thing accidentally leads to another etc. I think it’s playing with fire in a way. You can help her in other ways then sleeping in the same bed.

 

[Sister_Angel]

This was my thought as well. Though I think the idea of seperate rooms is better.

EphelDuath,
I believe your heart is in the right place and that you are trying to act out of proper Love and concern so I don’t think there is sin involved. However, there is danger on several levels.
Probably the biggest is the fact that she had been sexually abused and, depending on how, by whom and when, this can cause severe emotional and relationship issues. I know of one girl who struggles because she can only see her own worth in a “sexual” way…Her desire to have you this near to her (even in the same bed) could be a reflection of this type of thinking.

I agree with others who say that you need to get her into serious councilling.
You then need to be there for her, but in a very clearly defined way. Near enough to comfort but far enough to a) prevent sin and b) show the greatest level of respect for her.

Peace
James

 

[Sister_Angel]

I agree one moment of weakness is all it would take to break your friendship or feelings for one another. One thing accidentally leads to another etc. I think it’s playing with fire in a way. You can help her in other ways then sleeping in the same bed.

 

[Sister_Angel]

Just to clarify: she is receiving both counseling and therapy at the moment. I am only doing this because she says that her life is much less terrible when there’s a friend to wake up from a horrible nightmare next to, but if everyone is in agreement that I am doing something wrong, then I will stop.

Thank you and God bless.

Please get this girl a Christian woman friend to be with her and lead, guide, direct, and help he with her friendliness with the opposite sex. You are feeding her to trust men in bed and this is wrong. You can’t even trust a woman in bed never mind a man. I am sure(almost) that your feeling you are doing what is best but deep in your heart you really know she needs a female companion like a mother figure or just a girlfriend but in this case a mature person in the Lord is great for hurting ladies. Blessings and Peace! Thank you for helping her, Jesus knows your heart and you will find the right thing to do. May the Lord go with you. Psalm 4

 

[Adam1986]

Just to clarify: she is receiving both counseling and therapy at the moment. I am only doing this because she says that her life is much less terrible when there’s a friend to wake up from a horrible nightmare next to, but if everyone is in agreement that I am doing something wrong, then I will stop.

Thank you and God bless.

Dude, you’re not doing anything wrong, AT ALL. You’re helping your friend who needs you. And right now, in my opinion, that is WAY more important than if it might cause scandal or might, maybe lead you to have an impure thought.

I think you need to ask yourself what’s worse, someone maybe, possibly thinking you’re having sex with her or abandoning your friend.

If I were you I would continue to be there for her. In my opinion, it’s the right thing to do.