Sharing a bed with someone of the opposite gender

[VonDerTann]

I’m sorry Adam1986, but IMHO you are completely wrong, 100%:

You say, “…You’re helping your friend who needs you.”
–Under this logic, anything which “helps” someone is acceptable. This becomes no different than giving needles to a drug addict, since that “helps” the addict feel better.
–Since when should we let a sex abuse victim, who is in therapy, decide what’s best for her emotionally and give her exactly what she asks for?

You say “helping” “is WAY more important than if it might cause scandal or might, maybe lead you to have an impure thought.”
–There’s nothing MIGHT about it. It DOES cause scandal. It DOES cause impure thoughts(OP said so).

“If I were you I would continue to be there for her.”
–“Being there” does not mean “sleeping in the same bed with her.”

Another thought: If OP does this…when does it end? What happens when he announces he’s got another girlfriend and wants to stop coming over for the night? What will the abuse victim do then? OP’s behavior falls under the category of “actions have consequences,” WAY beyond “helping a friend.”

 

[JRKH]

Adam1986 and VonDerTann,

I think that in this case you are both right…In essence and in desire.

Adam - I fully agree that given the current situation the OP should not just stopr or pull away, but at the same time he is obviously cncerned about where to draw the line…

VonDerTann - I fully agree with you too that there are larger and more long term issues that need to be considered.

So the thing that must be considered by the OP is,

1. Where they are right now in their relationiship, how much support does she need and how best to give that support.
2. What is the long term prospects in this relationship, and what is best for her (and him) as she goes through therapy etc…

These are both very complicated which is why my suggestion to the OP was to talk it over with both his confessor AND if possible, with her therapist. In particular, if the therapist knows about him and the current situation, they can communicate they might be able to work together to both support this girl in the short term and wean her from this need in the long term.

Peace
James

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Dude, you’re not doing anything wrong, AT ALL. You’re helping your friend who needs you. And right now, in my opinion, that is WAY more important than if it might cause scandal or might, maybe lead you to have an impure thought.

I think you need to ask yourself what’s worse, someone maybe, possibly thinking you’re having sex with her or abandoning your friend.

If I were you I would continue to be there for her. In my opinion, it’s the right thing to do.

No. It is not his job to help her in this way. If she is that handicapped she needs more therapy than he can provide, and he is NOT her therapist in the first place. You can support a friend who has had a terrible experience in other ways than sleeping in the same bed with her.

My intuition says that someone who has been abused is going to respond in a different way to a man in her bed. I am going to say that I seriously doubt that her therapist would ever sanction this and if he or she did, he’s a bad therapist.

This is NOT the way to “help” someone who has been abused. My intuition tells me that the next step will be “I need to feel your arms around me when I am afraid.” Then, “I need you to kiss me when I am afraid.” etc. I am not blaming the abused person for this but I have heard of this kind of behavior because it is the only way a victim knows to get the love they crave.

 

[Tigg]

I have a friend, let’s call her Jane, who has in her life been severely sexually abused and also recently has lost two family members. She has horrifying nightmares from which she wakes up crying, and also becomes deeply depressed when left alone for long periods of time. Both of these things happens multiple times on a daily basis.

I consider her to be my little sister because I try to be there for her, protect her and go to Mass and confession together. I try my very hardest not to sexualize her in any way, though to be honest, sometimes I do have un-virtuous thoughts about Jane (but I have never acted on them). I’m assuming her relationship with me is basically the same – she calls me big brother – but I really don’t know.

Is it a sin if I sleep in the same bed as her? She tells me that it is a really deep comfort for her when somebody she loves is there when she wakes up from a nightmare, but if I am leading us both into sin, then that is not the right solution.

God bless.

I normally by-pass this sub-forum because of the content, but I am astounded by this thread and likewise, by some of the advice which has been given below:

Dude, you’re not doing anything wrong, AT ALL. You’re helping your friend who needs you. And right now, in my opinion, that is WAY more important than if it might cause scandal or might, maybe lead you to have an impure thought.

:bigyikes: :bigyikes:

I do not judge your motivation but think you need to remember that sins against purity are of the gravest nature! You desperately need advice from a holy priest, whom I am certain, will tell you that you are playing with fire. Let her therapist deal with the psychological ramifications of her woundedness. On your part, your “friendship” is going way beyond normal, charitable boundaries that should NEVER BE CROSSED, and just might, in some way be even more harmful to her. And please remember we are to work out our own salvation first (with fear and trembling.) Just my humble opinion!

 

[Bookcat]

Such is not something I would say Christians are to do…(can be gravely sinful in various ways…)

So comfort her yes…

sleep in the same bed …no.

Give her your phone number if you wish …she can call you if she wakes from a bad dream.

But do not sleep over.

---

and get her some good Catholic Counseling…I saw this ad from a very good Catholic source

catholictherapists.com/

 

[JRKH]

No. It is not his job to help her in this way. If she is that handicapped she needs more therapy than he can provide, and he is NOT her therapist in the first place. You can support a friend who has had a terrible experience in other ways than sleeping in the same bed with her.

My intuition says that someone who has been abused is going to respond in a different way to a man in her bed. I am going to say that I seriously doubt that her therapist would ever sanction this and if he or she did, he’s a bad therapist.

This is NOT the way to “help” someone who has been abused. **My intuition tells me that the next step will be “I need to feel your arms around me when I am afraid.” Then, “I need you to kiss me when I am afraid.” etc. ** I am not blaming the abused person for this but I have heard of this kind of behavior because it is the only way a victim knows to get the love they crave.

Well said…
The bolded section above is a fear that I have too.

People who are sexually abused, especially as children, are likely to have developed their sense of self worth in direct relation to physical and sexual contact.
While certainly physical contact is legitimate and even necessary in a healthy relationship, one must be extremely careful in a situation like this one.

The best thing the OP can do for her is to set specific boundaries so that he can demonstrate to her that a person can love her, care for her, and wish to help her, completely seperate from the kind of “intimacy” that is causing the problem in the first place.

Peace
James

 

[LeafByNiggle]

Dude, you’re not doing anything wrong, AT ALL. You’re helping your friend who needs you. And right now, in my opinion, that is WAY more important than if it might cause scandal or might, maybe lead you to have an impure thought.

I think you need to ask yourself what’s worse, someone maybe, possibly thinking you’re having sex with her or abandoning your friend…

You are putting forth a false dichotomy. As has been pointed out in earlier postings, there are many ways, and arguably better ways, to help this friend. No one is suggesting that the OP “abandon” his friend.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Flee from sexual immorality.

1 Corinthians 6:18

Laying in the same bed with someone you are not married to would be tempting yourself into sexual immorality.