Sharing a bed

[twf]

There seems to be a LOT of stock put in the symbolic and practical importance of a married couple “sharing a bed” (as in sleeping in the same bed every night all night). Is this really as essential to most marriages as some make it out to be? Its been a long time since my wife and I have regularly shared a bed…for various reasons ranging from different sleeping schedules, snoring…or more practically, being in different geographical locations for periods of time due to work. We spend lots of quality time together. I don’t feel distant from my wife. It doesn’t bother me…but should it? I remember a while ago a co-worker mentioned that she couldn’t even sleep if her husband wasn’t next to her… is that how it should be? That seems almost too attached to my mind.

 

[runningdude]

Be at peace. Sharing a bed is a cultural trope in the United States, but of little innate significance, and the Church leaves such matters to the discretion of each couple. The reasons you’ve shared for not regularly sharing a bed with your spouse are neither arbitrary, nor unreasonable, so you should not be concerned.

 

[edwest2]

“cultural trope” Another fake term. How married couples sleep is up to them.

Ed

 

[Anglewannabe]

I remember a while ago a co-worker mentioned that she couldn’t even sleep if her husband wasn’t next to her… is that how it should be? That seems almost too attached to my mind.

Yes, that is WAY too attached. Life happens and there are several good reasons a married couple may not share a bed on a particular night. Sure, it may feel loneley and different, but to actually not be able to sleep ! Now that is sad.

I have never been married but I actually envy your situation. There are times when people just want their space and to be able to sleep apart at times and know your marriage is still strong is awesome IMO

 

[UbiCaritas]

There seems to be a LOT of stock put in the symbolic and practical importance of a married couple “sharing a bed” (as in sleeping in the same bed every night all night). Is this really as essential to most marriages as some make it out to be? Its been a long time since my wife and I have regularly shared a bed…for various reasons ranging from different sleeping schedules, snoring…or more practically, being in different geographical locations for periods of time due to work. We spend lots of quality time together. I don’t feel distant from my wife. It doesn’t bother me…but should it? I remember a while ago a co-worker mentioned that she couldn’t even sleep if her husband wasn’t next to her… is that how it should be? That seems almost too attached to my mind.

It depends entirely on the couple.

DH and I like sharing a bed; even if nothing ahem is going on, the last few minutes before we go to sleep are our time to share and reconnect about our day. Too, touch is one of my love languages.

However, there have been times when we’ve slept separately–when I’m hugely pregnant, DH is on a business trip, we have a newborn and DH needs a solid night’s sleep in order to work, that sort of thing. I’m not crazy about it, but provided I’m in a good place emotionally, I’m fine and understand that it’s a short-term thing–and yep, I can sleep! On the other hand, if depression is rearing its head, we haven’t had any couple time at all for a month or two, and I’ve had an awful few days, not sleeping together can feel like the proverbial straw on the camel’s back.

Basically, if it works for you, great! If not, figure out what does. Couples are different, and that’s okay.

 

[UbiCaritas]

Yes, that is WAY too attached. Life happens and there are several good reasons a married couple may not share a bed on a particular night. Sure, it may feel loneley and different, but to actually not be able to sleep ! Now that is sad.

I have never been married but I actually envy your situation. There are times when people just want their space and to be able to sleep apart at times and know your marriage is still strong is awesome IMO

Well, it’s not just emotional; it’s a psychological thing. Some people have no trouble falling asleep in a new bed, for example, while others have a very hard time sleeping in a strange bed. They’re not dysfunctional; it’s just being in a different sleeping environment. I know one family member who couldn’t sleep without his wife next to him, but figured out that while he missed her, just having a pillow lying lengthwise on her side of the bed reproduced enough of the physical sensation of not being alone in the bed that he could sleep while she was on vacation without him. shrug

Like I said–figure out what works for you, and go for it.

 

[Lookingforjoy]

Yes, that is WAY too attached. Life happens and there are several good reasons a married couple may not share a bed on a particular night. Sure, it may feel loneley and different, but to actually not be able to sleep ! Now that is sad.

I don’t think that’s sad, exactly. I have trouble falling asleep without my husband near me…I also have trouble falling asleep with a new pillow, or in a different bed, or in a place without the usual city noises I’m used to. It’s the same thing.

My husband and I share a bed, but we each have our own sheet/blanket because I’m a huge blanket hog Whatever works for each couple is fine!

 

[Jeanne_S]

I don’t think that’s sad, exactly. I have trouble falling asleep without my husband near me…I also have trouble falling asleep with a new pillow, or in a different bed, or in a place without the usual city noises I’m used to. It’s the same thing.

My husband and I share a bed, but we each have our own sheet/blanket because I’m a huge blanket hog Whatever works for each couple is fine!

We sound like kindred spirits.

 

[CB_Catholic]

My husband and I have not shared a bed for many, many years because both of us are light sleepers, snore loudly, and have different environmental/temperature needs. It just does not work, and we learned that fairly early in our marriage. But it never interfered in our sex life or our closeness and we’ve been married 47 years. The times we are forced to share a bed we get very little sleep and are cranky and sleep-deprived the next day. I need my sleep, so does he–that is more important. so don’t feel like you are in an odd situation. Many people, esp. older couples do not share a bed because of various sleeping problems. It’s really a cultural thing and up to the couple.

(BTW–as to the snoring loudly–yes, we’ve had sleep studies. No, the mechanical devices did not work. That’s all I have to say about that).

 

[AdamP88]

Well…Now that I’m married and used to having my wife next to me I think I’d find it hard to get to sleep when she’s not there.

 

[twf]

Well…Now that I’m married and used to having my wife next to me I think I’d find it hard to get to sleep when she’s not there.

You’re also very newly wed .

Everyone - thanks for your replies.

 

[E_7]

Well…Now that I’m married and used to having my wife next to me I think I’d find it hard to get to sleep when she’s not there.

Aww! I remember that it took me a while to get used to sleeping together, but he has always slept like a log since the very beginning. I couldn’t blink an eye and it took more time to fall asleep. I think I got used to it four months later or so after getting married.

 

[AdamP88]

You’re also very newly wed .

Everyone - thanks for your replies.

Yeah. But I sleep easily. I think my better half is still adjusting.

 

[egretps]

This is so funny to me in that last night after my dh has been complaining of how I’ve been waking him up in the middle of the night for the past week, I took myself to the spare room. Not only did he come to check in on me late last night, but woke me up early and asked if I could come back to ‘Our room’. Ha ha ha.

I was so looking forward to having my own room.

Snoring on both our parts. Illnesses over the past year. It’s taken a toll on both our sleep quality.

My grandparents had separate bedrooms from the time I was a toddler until my grandfather’s death. They loved each other so much, but they had kept each other awake with snoring and restlessness for far too long. That was their solution.

 

[twf]

Yeah. But I sleep easily. I think my better half is still adjusting.

Even when my wife and I did regularly share a bed, in the early days, we rarely went to bed at the same time. This was part of the issue. She is a very light sleeper and goes to bed early. I go to bed late…always have. In those early days I dread going to sleep afraid that I would wake her…which I often did despite my best efforts…and then I would feel so guilty because at that point she had to get up at 4 AM for work.

 

[TheAmazingGrace]

There seems to be a LOT of stock put in the symbolic and practical importance of a married couple “sharing a bed” (as in sleeping in the same bed every night all night). Is this really as essential to most marriages as some make it out to be? Its been a long time since my wife and I have regularly shared a bed…for various reasons ranging from different sleeping schedules, snoring…or more practically, being in different geographical locations for periods of time due to work. We spend lots of quality time together. I don’t feel distant from my wife. It doesn’t bother me…but should it? I remember a while ago a co-worker mentioned that she couldn’t even sleep if her husband wasn’t next to her… is that how it should be? That seems almost too attached to my mind.

I’m not married, but I have wondered about something akin to this. On the one hand, sharing a bed seems like a great way to foster intimacy between a husband and wife, and encourages conjugal relations.

On the other hand, having different rooms might reduce stress, since each person has their own personal space that they can manage as they like, and allows the spouses to go to bed and wake up whenever they want to without bothering the other person.

 

[EasterJoy]

I’m not married, but I have wondered about something akin to this. On the one hand, sharing a bed seems like a great way to foster intimacy between a husband and wife, and encourages conjugal relations.

On the other hand, having different rooms might reduce stress, since each person has their own personal space that they can manage as they like, and allows the spouses to go to bed and wake up whenever they want to without bothering the other person.

The couples I know who sleep apart either occasionally or regularly started in the same bed when they first married but then later found a need to arrange a second place where one of them could sleep when hours were going to be odd, or because one needed to be getting up all the time all night, or if one or both snored extremely loudly (the race to get to sleep first, LOL), or something like that. There is almost always a practical reason that sleeping together made it difficult for one or both to sleep reasonably well.

It seems too bad until you’re in the spot yourself where you just can’t get enough sleep. At that point, sleeping apart seems much more sensible than not sleeping. Laying awake night after night wishing your spouse could please not do ____ that wakes you up or is keeping you awake is not a recipe for enhanced intimacy!!

 

[runningdude]

“cultural trope” Another fake term. How married couples sleep is up to them.

Ed

Definition of trope
1
a : a word or expression used in a figurative sense : figure of speech
b : a common or overused theme or device : cliché

merriam-webster.com/dictionary/trope

Married couples sleeping in the same bed is a plot device used in television and movies shown to be much more important than it actually is. Many second-rate couples therapy books consider it essential to a happy marriage, though it isn’t.

 

[Allegra]

Yes, that is WAY too attached. Life happens and there are several good reasons a married couple may not share a bed on a particular night. Sure, it may feel loneley and different, but to actually not be able to sleep ! Now that is sad.

I have never been married but I actually envy your situation. There are times when people just want their space and to be able to sleep apart at times and know your marriage is still strong is awesome IMO

I don’t sleep well when my husband isn’t in bed. It just doesn’t feel right. It’s like trying to sleep when the bathroom light is on or the furnace is making a weird noise. It just isn’t right and I can’t get comfortable. I do eventually fall asleep, but it takes a while. I also have trouble fall asleep if he hasn’t come to bed yet, but I think that’s because I know he’s going to eventually come in and wake me up.

PS- I feel that I am appropriately attached.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I don’t sleep well when my husband isn’t in bed. It just doesn’t feel right. It’s like trying to sleep when the bathroom light is on or the furnace is making a weird noise. It just isn’t right and I can’t get comfortable. I do eventually fall asleep, but it takes a while. I also have trouble fall asleep if he hasn’t come to bed yet, but I think that’s because I know he’s going to eventually come in and wake me up.

PS- I feel that I am appropriately attached.

I think people misread my post. There is a world of difference between having trouble sleeping and not being able to sleep at all. Especially if it is a marriage where the husband is away a lot on business and it is part of one’s regular life. At some point one needs to adjust to life’s circumstances