Shattered; "cheating" husband?

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justawhisper said:
… the only reason im back in it is because my family is smoking all around me, its available and it takes the edge off. …!
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That’s an excuse and a poor one.My son used that all the time. And I would respond that it " doesn’t seem to be working as you are still pretty edgy." As far as the infidelity, that is a non negotiable for me. I don’t care how bad a relationship is, cheating is NEVER justified in my book. Stop making excuses and take some positive steps, even if that means being on your own for a while.
Don’t fool yourself that the drinking and drug use are not part of the problem.

Kathy
 
Dear OP - Both you and your hubby need to go to Confession. Perhaps the Priest serving will help you and your hubby work it out.

Peace,

Gail
 
Dear Op - Make an appointment at the Rectory for you and your hubby. Go. The priest can then hear your confessions, and give you the other Sacraments you both need in your life to live His Way. Then God will be well pleased with the peace He’s found in your poor souls.

Peace,

Gail
 
capsaicin said:
uhhhh, could the drinking and pot smoking have something to do with why he wants to leave you?

Seems you may have no coice but to let go. He seems pretty set. But why haven’t you gone back to where he is to make a stand?

And do you have kids? If you do, escaping into substance abuse at this critical time is unforgiveable.
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It would not be Unforgiveable. Sheesh. 🤷
 
Katie1723 said:
That’s an excuse and a poor one.My son used that all the time. And I would respond that it " doesn’t seem to be working as you are still pretty edgy." As far as the infidelity, that is a non negotiable for me. I don’t care how bad a relationship is, cheating is NEVER justified in my book. Stop making excuses and take some positive steps, even if that means being on your own for a while.
Don’t fool yourself that the drinking and drug use are not part of the problem.

Kathy
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Once, I went to pick up an employee at his home on the way to work. He came out of the house obviously very upset, red in the face and eyes flashing. I asked what was wrong. He said he and the wife had a fight and he hit her. He also reeked of pot. I asked him if he was smoking and he said he was, but that just took the edge off. It was no big deal. What edge are we dulling here? It must have done its job if it ended up in a physical assault.

A broken marriage is like a sick person. There can be more than one thing wrong. When doctors have a patient with many things wrong where do they start first? But we are not doctors and a marriage is a spiritual thing, not physical. Nevertheless it can have multiple things wrong spiritually, all contributing to its demise. Any one thing alone could kill a marriage, drinking, infidelity, drugs, anything that is a sin or contributes to sin. All sins have consequences. Another thing that is a certain killer of many marriages is using artificial contraception.

Sometimes all people want out of their lives is the pain. They are not interested in being completely healthy. They just want the pain to stop, but they want to keep doing the things that caused the pain.

No one wants to die of emphysema, but they like smoking and chose to smoke. People don’t want the consequences of sin, but like the sin. I may not believe smoking will give me lung cancer and kill me, but if I smoke I risk lung cancer. Couples may not believe that contracepting will kill their marriages, but they end up divorced and wonder why. Everythng has a cause. Good marriage have the ingredients that cause them. Bad marriages are the same. The trick is knowing what they are and doing them, or not doing them.
 
i just want to let you know you have my support and prayers. i am going through a similar experience, except that i am the daughter, and my parents will be getting a divorce, because of an affair that my father had(well, i am the only one that knows the affair is still continuing- my mother does not). i know what a heavy burden it can be, and i hope that everything will work out for you. please go talk to your priest and get some help. God bless
 
cowgirl89 said:
i just want to let you know you have my support and prayers. i am going through a similar experience, except that i am the daughter, and my parents will be getting a divorce, because of an affair that my father had(well, i am the only one that knows the affair is still continuing- my mother does not). i know what a heavy burden it can be, and i hope that everything will work out for you. please go talk to your priest and get some help. God bless
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Why are you betraying your mother by keeping your immoral father’s secret?
 
capsaicin said:
Why are you betraying your mother by keeping your immoral father’s secret?
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i don’t want her to be hurt any further than she already has been, since they are already planning on a divorce. i don’t feel like its my place to tell her that he is still in contact with the woman. both of my parents are at fault for the destruction of their marriage and i’m just trying to do my best to keep my head up and not let the mistakes of my parents ruin my life. i don’t know what else i should or can do.🤷
 
cowgirl89 said:
i don’t want her to be hurt any further than she already has been, since they are already planning on a divorce. i don’t feel like its my place to tell her that he is still in contact with the woman. both of my parents are at fault for the destruction of their marriage and i’m just trying to do my best to keep my head up and not let the mistakes of my parents ruin my life. i don’t know what else i should or can do.🤷
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Do you parents have religious faith, or at least claim they do?
 
grandfather said:
Do you parents have religious faith, or at least claim they do?
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they were married by a protestant pastor a month before they had me :rolleyes: we went to a baptist church on and off growing up, and they put me in baptist school from kindergarten-freshman year, so i know they value that sort of education, and they both claim to be christians. in fact my dad is taking great interest in my conversion to catholicism (he was baptized catholic), but he doesn’t want to enter the Church(be confirmed) because he knows he has this huge sin…idk. i often feel i am more spiritually mature than both of them, and i KNOW my bf and i could make a marriage work better than they can- but thats a whole other story lol :o i really didn’t mean to steal the thunder from the original poster- just offer my support and sympathy
 
cowgirl89 said:
they were married by a protestant pastor a month before they had me :rolleyes: we went to a baptist church on and off growing up, and they put me in baptist school from kindergarten-freshman year, so i know they value that sort of education, and they both claim to be christians. in fact my dad is taking great interest in my conversion to catholicism (he was baptized catholic), but he doesn’t want to enter the Church(be confirmed) because he knows he has this huge sin…idk. i often feel i am more spiritually mature than both of them, and i KNOW my bf and i could make a marriage work better than they can- but thats a whole other story lol :o i really didn’t mean to steal the thunder from the original poster- just offer my support and sympathy
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Praying for your family and for Justawhisper…
 
cowgirl89 said:
in fact my dad is taking great interest in my conversion to catholicism (he was baptized catholic), but he doesn’t want to enter the Church(be confirmed) because he knows he has this huge sin…idk. i often feel i am more spiritually mature than both of them,
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Sounds like it. Your father is right. He has a huge sin. If his interest in your conversion becomes verbal and you can talk about his problem from a Catholic perspective theologically, he is in mortal sin. His soul is in grave danger. If he dies impenitent he will be lost eternally. Maybe he needs some fear of God in addition to claiming he believes he is a Christian. God bless him and your mom and you.
 
There is no such thing as recreational drug user. If you use drugs to take the edge off, you are using period and that is addictive. Don’t lie to yourself or anyone else. Do yourself a huge favor and get out of an environment that encourages you to use drugs and alcohol. That is never going to work. If you want to save your marriage then clean yourself up and get back to your husband. It sounds like your move to be near your family, that uses, is foolish and will only cause your marriage more stress. Sorry if this sound harsh but sometimes the truth hurts. I don’t talk from a lack of experience. Go speak to a priest!!! You are in my prayers.
 
justawhisper said:
today, i came across a real problem, but let me start with the whole story, or atleast most.

my husband and i were planning on moving back home (to NC) sometime by Christmas. we had recently fallen on hard times, marriage-wise and finacially. THEN i lost my job. so instead of getting another job for a month or 2, i went ahead and moved back to NC without him, waiting on him to come home. i guess that was one of my first mistakes.

prior to the move, we were fighting tooth and nail over practically nothing, which is not at all like us (we did that for years, i thought we worked out the kinks that came back up; we’ve been together for 7 years). so i move back to NC, all the sudden he doesnt have time to talk to me, very distant and distracted.

i knew he had a female friend via the internet that he really confided in and i was alright with that. it seemed innocent. but i found out today that it wasnt.

this woman’s husband befriended me on myspace and facebook. i read his last blog entry about his wife being in love with a guy shes never even met face to face. my heart sank and i just knew he was talking about my husband.

so the guy and me spoke on the phone about what we were going through, more or less venting and talking about or worries, etc. apparently his wife will not let this rest until she meets my husband and “finds out wether her feelings for him are true to life.”

i know we parted on not the best of notes. i know we werent IN love, but we loved each other. but i also understand that happens; you fall in and out of love throughout a relationship. its happened before on my part, now this is on his.

im still speaking to him online for now. i asked if he wanted us to be over and (wether he meant it or not) he says he wants us to take a break, his words, seperated. he is going to meet this woman this weekend. he doesnt know how he feels about us anymore, he no longer loves me as his wife, but more like his best friend.

im totally crushed. i have idea what i am supposed to do, where i am supposed to go from here. we cant just divorce. it wouldnt be right. we’re both catholic and we know this. but i want to know what i am supposed to do while he runs wild and violates the sanctity of our marriage. any suggestions? experiences?

i feel like im just loosing it. he was my entire life. i may not have been “inlove” but i love him with every ounce of my being. id do anything at all for him. id wait a million years. im so crushed, lost, hopeless…
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Dear Just a Whisper,

Breathe! Pray! Go to Mass!
I’ve been there and know the pain you are experiencing. You will eat and sleep again. You will stop sobbing, You will stop the shaking and emotional panic. You will do all of these things, but you must let go. Maybe not divorce, but you must let him go! Hugging and kissing is not the answer, nor are YOU. The answer lies with him, and believe me when I say that this new found “love” will fade. The problem here is that trust will now always be an issue. When you sob and long for things to be the same again, ask yourself if you can ever trust what he does/says. This is not about forgiveness or being a Christian. This is about integrity and honor. Yes, sometimes those qualities slip away from us, but lives are changed when they do. You believed that you were in a safe place in your marriage, and you weren’t. It doesn’t matter now. You must know that you can trust your spouse. Of course he wants to stay friends, because he knows that you love him. His interenet friend was an emotional affair. Read about those, cry one more time, learn from this horrible experience. I’m not going to tell you to find a hobby or take a class, though that may help take your mind off of him. I will tell you to reconnect with God. Pray for him. Pray for guidance. Pray for mercy with this pain. You will be OK again, but you must let go. Begging will only make it worse, and will strip you of any shred of self-esteem you have left. LET HIM GO.

Know that another woman in NC is praying for you both.
 
dkoinzan said:
There is no such thing as recreational drug user. If you use drugs to take the edge off, you are using period and that is addictive. Don’t lie to yourself or anyone else. Do yourself a huge favor and get out of an environment that encourages you to use drugs and alcohol. That is never going to work. If you want to save your marriage then clean yourself up and get back to your husband. It sounds like your move to be near your family, that uses, is foolish and will only cause your marriage more stress. Sorry if this sound harsh but sometimes the truth hurts. I don’t talk from a lack of experience. Go speak to a priest!!! You are in my prayers.
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That’s not necessarily true, I have grown up with having a glass of red wine, it doesn’t mean that I am addicted to the wine nor that I will start feening for it if I don’t have it once in a while…There are occassional drinkers and even smokers, it doesn’t mean they are dependent on it nor that they are adicted it just means they do it once in a while cuz they can!!!

I agree with you that she was a bit foolish for her move, and hopefully she will hurry and go seek help from a priest…

Also in my prayers!!!:gopray2:
 
She said she was using the drugs to make things more tolerable. That is what lead me to believe there is a problem. What you described is far different from what she stated she is doing.

I will continue to pray.
 
dkoinzan said:
She said she was using the drugs to make things more tolerable. That is what lead me to believe there is a problem. What you described is far different from what she stated she is doing.

I will continue to pray.
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You stated that “There is no such thing as recreational drug user.” That’s why I responded the way I did…

Of course if someone is using anything at all, pills, cigarettes, alcohol, to kill pain, anger, frustration, emotional distress, then yes there is a problem…

Obviously I didn’t state anything against what you stated about her stopping what she is doing, because you are correct, if she wants things to work out for the best she needs to stop doing those things that are hurting her more than helping her and get some help -counseling or priest or both…
 
Who needs enemies when we can have ‘best friends’ like that!
:eek:

Pfft. Best friends my eye. I’m almost certain he treats a perfect stranger with more respect than his wife/ “best friend”.
 
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