She divorced me because i left dishes by the sink

[Irishmom2]

Do you know how many ways there are to put a glass in wrong? I do, because my husband found them all. You’d think having 20 glasses already in there, neatly lined up on the top rack, would be a clue. Apparently not. He’d put the glass in the bottom rack, or put it in upside down, or sideways.

I’ll say this for him, though. We’ve been married 26 years, and in all that time, he’s left the toilet seat up only five times (yes, I am keeping count).

Sometimes, people don’t do things correctly on purpose, hoping we will give up and say never mind, I will do it myself.

Don’t know why you are keeping track of how many times he left the seat up though. Is there a purpose?

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Train your husband? Does that work in reverse? Does he get to tell the guys it took a year to train you to dress pretty?

See how demeaning that can be?

I’m younger than most married people on this board, so take that for what it’s worth. But, at least in my limited experience, younger people don’t really talk about their partners like that as much as Gen Xers and Boomers did. We tend to be friends with our partners and care much less about battles of the sexes than people in the 80’s and 90’s did. Maybe I’m totally off and I just got lucky with my social circle, but even on social media I don’t see much of that.

Marriage (at least mine) is a very gendered relationship. But why that should breed hostility or competition between spouses, I’ll never understand.

 

[Irishmom2]

The sexiest part of a man is his backbone.

That is a great thought! So true.

 

[MomaMary8]

One thing is clear though. Only one person in a marriage should ever load a dishwasher… Ever.

I’d rather throw out all our dishes and buy new ones than have my wife load a dishwasher…

Better yet, raise a child who is an A-type and have him load the dishes. I used to be the best at loading and did a fairly good job. Not anymore. My 15 yr old son is top-dog loader now, and watch out if you even put a fork out of place. He has a system and we all keep clear to let him do it :nunchuk:

 

[bitterhope]

At least they have a dishwasher to put the glass in. I can’t imagine getting so upset about something so minor. People should be allowed to be comfortable in their own home and not made to feel like they are not welcome there. This is as bad as getting upset about the way a roll of toilet paper is put on the holder or how somebody squeezes the toothpaste tube. No, wives aren’t meant to parent their children. But husbands aren’t meant to be talked to or treated like children either. People really should lighten up. There are so many horrible things in life to get bent out of shape about dishes, laundry, meal prep, etc. those are things that will always be unfinished. They keep reoccurring.

My solution to a problem like that is, let the dishes pile up and them hand them the dish rag. Most men don’t mind washing a sink full once or twice a day but many people can’t stand the annoyance of washing one plate at a time. Same goes for laundry. Wait until there is enough for a load and have them collect them and start the washer. There’s no fight and it’s no longer your problem. It’s not an affront to you because it’s no longer your chore.

 

[MomaMary8]

Wow I just couldn’t imagine breaking up a marriage over this. But even beyond that, I can’t imagine someone who was left over this writing a long, sappy blog about how she was right to leave. How emasculating. It’s probably for the best though, if dishes sent her running for the hills I can only imagine how quickly illness, poverty, or a crisis with their children would cause her to pack.

Like all couples, hubby and I have the same arguments over and over. But I choose to see it this way: the fact that he’s too lazy/complacent to clean out the sink after shaving also means he’s too lazy/complacent to leave me for using his razor when I can’t find mine. And vice versa of course.

I can’t believe there are people out there who actually think they’re easy to live with! No one is easy, you’re just used to your own annoying habits.

Seriously, first world marriage problems.

Like I said before. His marriage failed and I still don’t think he gets it…

If I’m obsessed and upset with my husband’s belt being left on the kitchen counter rather than taken to the bedroom, that’s the first clue that I’m bugged about a deeper issue.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I’m younger than most married people on this board, so take that for what it’s worth. But, at least in my limited experience, younger people don’t really talk about their partners like that as much as Gen Xers and Boomers did. We tend to be friends with our partners and care much less about battles of the sexes than people in the 80’s and 90’s did. Maybe I’m totally off and I just got lucky with my social circle, but even on social media I don’t see much of that.

Marriage (at least mine) is a very gendered relationship. But why that should breed hostility or competition between spouses, I’ll never understand.

I think we are moving past that kind of hokey Rodney dangerfield kind of gender complaining in relationships.
Though it is still prevalent in media. Take note of how many commercials make men out to be dumb or wrong. What if that were flipped!? What if a woman bought product X and then the man came in and said, oh you silly dumb woman, you just don’t know what kind of cereal to buy huh? You probably spent too much on it too! But hey, you are just a woman so ha ha ha ha…

You will be surprised how many commercials do that with men.

 

[DAML72]

Any desire I had to get married again just went out the window. Wow, I sure don’t miss that dynamic.

 

[MomaMary8]

I think we are moving past that kind of hokey Rodney dangerfield kind of gender complaining in relationships.
Though it is still prevalent in media. Take note of how many commercials make men out to be dumb or wrong. What if that were flipped!? What if a woman bought product X and then the man came in and said, oh you silly dumb woman, you just don’t know what kind of cereal to buy huh? You probably spent too much on it too! But hey, you are just a woman so ha ha ha ha…

You will be surprised how many commercials do that with men.

isn’t it crazy?? There are very few little kids shows that have positive male role models. It seems if a strong woman is shown, the male counter part has to be in a subservient role. It’s getting very difficult to raise strong young men today. My daughters are inundated with positive message of women’s abilities, but that’s all my sons’ hear as well…how smart and powerful women are

 

[seagal]

Someone else posted this quote from the article and I think it’s at the heart of the whole thing.

But I remember my wife often saying how exhausting it was for her to have to tell me what to do all the time. It’s why the sexiest thing a man can say to his partner is “I got this,” and then take care of whatever needs taken care of.
I always reasoned: “If you just tell me what you want me to do, I’ll gladly do it.”
But she didn’t want to be my mother. She wanted to be my partner, and she wanted me to apply all of my intelligence and learning capabilities to the logistics of managing our lives and household.
She wanted me to figure out all of the things that need done, and devise my own method of task management.

I have 2 daughters and 1 daughter-in-law and their #1 complaint about their male partners is this: Why do I **always **have to be the one to see what needs to be done and ask him to do it? Why do I have to be his mother? No matter how willing they may be to do whatever it is, it’s still his partner’s responsibility to actually see what needs doing. It’s like men still see the home and children as the woman’s domain, even though they both work. It’s still up to the woman to keep the house running and everyone fed and clean. I know this is an over-generalization, but I’ve heard enough complaints from family and friends to know it’s a wide-spread phenomenon.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I think we are moving past that kind of hokey Rodney dangerfield kind of gender complaining in relationships.
Though it is still prevalent in media. Take note of how many commercials make men out to be dumb or wrong. What if that were flipped!? What if a woman bought product X and then the man came in and said, oh you silly dumb woman, you just don’t know what kind of cereal to buy huh? You probably spent too much on it too! But hey, you are just a woman so ha ha ha ha…

You will be surprised how many commercials do that with men.

No, I wouldn’t and I hate those commercials. Fortunately, most young people I know hate them too. When those come on, they aren’t calling an abstract man stupid, they’re calling my husband aka very best friend in the world stupid.

But I think most of those commercials are geared towards an older crowd, kind of like broadcast news is. Older generations still really love the men are dumb/women are overly emotional and naggy stuff. Millennials don’t watch nearly as much traditional TV as older people, we like Netflix, online streaming, etc and you just don’t see that kind of marketing nearly as much in those arenas.

 

[GEddie]

Nuts.

Stuff like this, where the male is expected to play nonending emotional guessing games, is probably in part why increasing hordes of young people are eschewing marriage altogether.

ICXC NIKA

 

[seagal]

No, I wouldn’t and I hate those commercials. Fortunately, most young people I know hate them too. When those come on, they aren’t calling an abstract man stupid, they’re calling my husband aka very best friend in the world stupid.

But I think most of those commercials are geared towards an older crowd, kind of like broadcast news is. Older generations still really love the men are dumb/women are overly emotional and naggy stuff. Millennials don’t watch nearly as much traditional TV as older people, we like Netflix, online streaming, etc and you just don’t see that kind of marketing nearly as much in those arenas.

I’m of the “older generation” and I’m pretty sick of those commercials too.

 

[Maximilan_Kolbe]

Someone else posted this quote from the article and I think it’s at the heart of the whole thing.

I have 2 daughters and 1 daughter-in-law and their #1 complaint about their male partners is this: Why do I **always **have to be the one to see what needs to be done and ask him to do it? Why do I have to be his mother? No matter how willing they may be to do whatever it is, it’s still his partner’s responsibility to actually see what needs doing. It’s like men still see the home and children as the woman’s domain, even though they both work. It’s still up to the woman to keep the house running and everyone fed and clean. I know this is an over-generalization, but I’ve heard enough complaints from family and friends to know it’s a wide-spread phenomenon.

Men like to feel secure in doing things, however. We like to tackle projects and like to succeed. I know some men who admittedly, give up. They get “hen pecked” into submission, to use an old colloquial term.

They essentially say “what is the point in doing x, if I am simply going to be corrected and told better way to do it?” They end up somewhat defeated. We have to pick and choose our “battles.” I never comment on the way my wife cooks food for our family. I let her have run of the kitchen, by and large. I doubt she’d like me telling how to “imrpove” every recipe she has.

I handle cleanup and dishes. I likewise appreciate not being told that I am not loading the dishwasher properly. I am sure it goes both ways, but as a husband, you don’t want to constantly be saying “just let me do this one thing, please!”

Husbands need the satisfaction of caring for their families and feeling as though they succeeded in something without “help.”

 

[pensmama87]

I’m wondering if some of you read something different than what I read.

I’m not condoning the wife for leaving, and yes, I think the author gets a little too gender specific. But his overall point has nothing to do with dishes or other household tasks. I think about it like love languages. A spouse is requesting, over and over and over, “Please love me the way I like to be loved.” And the other spouse consistently says, “No, that is a silly way to feel and I won’t do it.”

I’ve been there. It stinks. And yes, it’s tempting to leave. And yes, I had additional things going on at the time. But I wasn’t in a place at that time to have to “pull myself up by my bootstraps” and just get over myself already. I needed help. It was very damaging to be refused over and over and over. My husband thought nothing of it because he didn’t see it the way I did. But after some counseling and love language stuff we got a lot better.

But if it had gone on for five, ten, fifteen more years? It could have been very, very bad.

ETA: Other ways this could appear: The spouse who consistently denies sex or other physical intimacy. The spouse who refuses to say “I love you” because the other spouse “should just know.” The spouse who says gifts on special occasions is just silly commercialism. It’s one things if spouses mutually agree. But if one spouse cares about it, the other should make an effort, and if he or she doesn’t then don’t be surprised that your spouse gets the impression that you don’t care.

 

[Millie123]

I think that what struck me about this article is the lack of compromise and problem solving among both of the spouses.

Her issue: It annoyed her that he left a glass out in the sink and not immediately loaded in the dishwasher.
His issue: It’s not necessarily that he is lazy or passive aggressive. It bothered him that he needed to put a glass in the dishwasher, because he may have wanted to reuse the glass and not dirty another glass, which creates more dishes. (this is the way I was raised too)

Both of these are valid points and important to both spouse so, work together to find a compromise that is acceptable to both of you.

My husband and I have compromised about something similar.
My husband works for a trucking company, he comes home literally filthy after spending all day loading and unloading trucks in a fork lift. When he comes home his clothes and body are covered in dirt and grease. He’s filthy and tired when he comes home and takes his clothes off in the living room.
My issue: His filthy clothes are left in the living room, I want him to take his clothes off in the bedroom.
His issue: He takes his filthy clothes off in the living room because, he can’t stand the idea of walking through the house into the bedroom with his filthy boots and clothes.
Our solution and compromise: I got a laundry basket and put it in a closet by the front door for him to easily throw his dirty clothes and place his boots. He can take off his clothes where he wants…and I don’t have to see his filthy clothes.

 

[jmjZelie]

This is also interesting to me because I am the dishwasher and laundry man in our house because I stay home. In about a half hour I will start doing dishes and there is a pile of laundry in several rooms where my wife got ready for the day. I have no problem if the dishes are in the sink or not. I rather enjoy my tasks. I do them out of love.

Here is an example. My wife loves the idea of a fast breakfast and has taken to cracking an egg in a coffee mug, putting some cheese and vegetables in it and micrwaving it for 2 minutes. (This litterally is the grossest thing you could do for breakfast). Now maybe 10
Percent of the time she runs water in the cup in the sink. But most if the time, it is just sitting there. No problem. I know she was in s hurry or busy doing one of the million things she does to provide for us. Or perhaps she was relaxing, looking at her phone or watching a little tv. Who cares? I don’t. I can clean the dish, I can bring it from the couch to the sink… It is never something I would resent her for. Does she have some bad habits? Sure. So do I. And that is why I love her and pick up after her out of love.

If a dirty cup represents resentment and selfishness in this marriage it is a safe bet they either didn’t have kids, or didn’t care for kids. The dish I wash for my wife is but a drop in the ocean compared to the dishes my five kids will destroy as soon as they wake up…

Beautiful post. I agree.

 

[jmjZelie]

Wow I just couldn’t imagine breaking up a marriage over this. But even beyond that, I can’t imagine someone who was left over this writing a long, sappy blog about how she was right to leave. How emasculating. It’s probably for the best though, if dishes sent her running for the hills I can only imagine how quickly illness, poverty, or a crisis with their children would cause her to pack.

Like all couples, hubby and I have the same arguments over and over. But I choose to see it this way: the fact that he’s too lazy/complacent to clean out the sink after shaving also means he’s too lazy/complacent to leave me for using his razor when I can’t find mine. And vice versa of course.

I can’t believe there are people out there who actually think they’re easy to live with! No one is easy, you’re just used to your own annoying habits.

Seriously, first world marriage problems.

Very good points, BlueEyedLady.

 

[bitterhope]

I think that what struck me about this article is the lack of compromise and problem solving among both of the spouses.

Her issue: It annoyed her that he left a glass out in the sink and not immediately loaded in the dishwasher.
His issue: It’s not necessarily that he is lazy or passive aggressive. It bothered him that he needed to put a glass in the dishwasher, because he may have wanted to reuse the glass and not dirty another glass, which creates more dishes. (this is the way I was raised too)

Both of these are valid points and important to both spouse so, work together to find a compromise that is acceptable to both of you.

My husband and I have compromised about something similar.
My husband works for a trucking company, he comes home literally filthy after spending all day loading and unloading trucks in a fork lift. When he comes home his clothes and body are covered in dirt and grease. He’s filthy and tired when he comes home and takes his clothes off in the living room.
My issue: His filthy clothes are left in the living room, I want him to take his clothes off in the bedroom.
His issue: He takes his filthy clothes off in the living room because, he can’t stand the idea of walking through the house into the bedroom with his filthy boots and clothes.
Our solution and compromise: I got a laundry basket and put it in a closet by the front door for him to easily throw his dirty clothes and place his boots. He can take off his clothes where he wants…and I don’t have to see his filthy clothes.

Exactly! It shouldn’t be so hard to come up with compromises. Also, we need to accept that all people are going to feel differently about things and view them different ways. If we can’t accept where they are coming from, why should they accept where we are coming from?

 

[PhiloMed]

I’m wondering if some of you read something different than what I read.

I’m not condoning the wife for leaving, and yes, I think the author gets a little too gender specific. But his overall point has nothing to do with dishes or other household tasks. I think about it like love languages. A spouse is requesting, over and over and over, “Please love me the way I like to be loved.” And the other spouse consistently says, “No, that is a silly way to feel and I won’t do it.”

I’ve been there. It stinks. And yes, it’s tempting to leave. And yes, I had additional things going on at the time. But I wasn’t in a place at that time to have to “pull myself up by my bootstraps” and just get over myself already. I needed help. It was very damaging to be refused over and over and over. My husband thought nothing of it because he didn’t see it the way I did. But after some counseling and love language stuff we got a lot better.

But if it had gone on for five, ten, fifteen more years? It could have been very, very bad.

ETA: Other ways this could appear: The spouse who consistently denies sex or other physical intimacy. The spouse who refuses to say “I love you” because the other spouse “should just know.” The spouse who says gifts on special occasions is just silly commercialism. It’s one things if spouses mutually agree. But if one spouse cares about it, the other should make an effort, and if he or she doesn’t then don’t be surprised that your spouse gets the impression that you don’t care.

I totally agree and this is exactly how I read it too.

The man I dated and was engaged to once was very much like this. It wasn’t about the dirty glasses, it was about being loved and respected in a way that I asked to be loved and respected.

It was also a maturity issue. He wanted someone to “take care” of him in a certain way that I was not willing to do. He has since found someone who is willing to fulfill that role in a way that he needs.

And I found someone who doesn’t need a mother to remind him how to behave like an adult.