Should a Catholic gentleman ask the father first?

[Prometheum_x]

If I had a girlfriend and was in a position to propose, I would probably talk to her parents about it – not because she somehow belongs to them, but because I see that as the honorable thing to do. The more I could show respect and honor to people such as my parents and my girlfriend’s parents, the better it would be: “Honor your father and mother, so that it may go well with you. . .” - the first command attached to a promise.

As well, as her parents, my girlfriend’s parents could very well have some insight into their daughter, and, as I would want to do my best for her, I would want to know anything they could tell me about her. I would want to know what their concerns are.

In a way, talking to her parents would be a good way for me to double check and make sure that this is really what I ought to be doing. I would hope that the parents of whomever I propose to would challenge me and force me to provide good answers – How do I plan on taking care of her? Am I ready to take on all the other responsibilities of marriage? Am I just caught up in the excitement of the idea, or is this really what I want to do?

 

[Bruised_Reed]

Prometheum_x:

If I had a girlfriend and was in a position to propose, I would probably talk to her parents about it – not because she somehow belongs to them, but because I see that as the honorable thing to do. The more I could show respect and honor to people such as my parents and my girlfriend’s parents, the better it would be: “Honor your father and mother, so that it may go well with you. . .” - the first command attached to a promise.

As well, as her parents, my girlfriend’s parents could very well have some insight into their daughter, and, as I would want to do my best for her, I would want to know anything they could tell me about her. I would want to know what their concerns are.

In a way, talking to her parents would be a good way for me to double check and make sure that this is really what I ought to be doing. I would hope that the parents of whomever I propose to would challenge me and force me to provide good answers – How do I plan on taking care of her? Am I ready to take on all the other responsibilities of marriage? Am I just caught up in the excitement of the idea, or is this really what I want to do?

It’s very good to talk to her parents about getting married and all that goes with it. But are you doing that with her or without her. It seems a litle creepy to formally or deliberately talk to them without her present for this kind thing. Those concerns, advice and that reality check should come out naturally in conversations as you all are getting to know each other.

When it comes to proposing I think it’s more polite and respectful to her to ask *her * first (because it’s *her * decision) and then, if she accepts, go to her parents and ask for their blessing together.

 

[Marcellinus]

Blood Rain:

No, this is a tradition that harkens back to when women were treated as though they were property.

I think you’re misunderstanding the question. Remember, I asked should the Catholic man ask the father FIRST. Its not as if I’m asking whether he should marry the girl without her approval.

 

[Bruised_Reed]

Marcellinus:

I think you’re misunderstanding the question. Remember, I asked should the Catholic man ask the father FIRST. Its not as if I’m asking whether he should marry the girl without her approval.

No, you’re misunderstanding my position. Unless it’s an arranged marriage or something you can’t marry a someone without their permission. Doing something like that makes the marriage invalid. That’s why the Catholic church did away with that practice.

Read my second post where I clarify a bit. I said I think a man should ask the woman to marry him before he asks her parents which they can do together. Why just her father? That’s really reinforcing why I have trouble with this idea. When women were chatel and asking a girl’s mother didn’t happen.

You asked for others thoughts an I gave you my opinion. My father is deceased but I wouldn’t have wanted my fiance to ask my dad and/or mom before he proposed. After accepting I would love to share the news with my mom and ask for her blessing.

 

[Timidity]

Marcellinus:

Do you think a Catholic man should ask the father of the girl he is dating before he proposes to her?

Any time you ask a question, you have to be prepared for the answer you don’t want.

 

[Penny_Plain]

Marcellinus:

Do you think a Catholic man should ask the father of the girl he is dating before he proposes to her?

Absolutely not. I love my husband to death. If he had asked my dad for “permission” to marry me, I would have dropped him like a hot rock.

 

[Marcellinus]

Blood Rain:

No, you’re misunderstanding my position.

I’m sorry I should have been clear. I didn’t object to the fact that you think that you shouldn’t ask the father first. I think you certainly have some good arguments on your side for doing so. I simply object (for reasons stated above) to you saying that asking the father first would amount to making the woman into property.

 

[Bruised_Reed]

Marcellinus:

I’m sorry I should have been clear. I didn’t object to the fact that you think that you shouldn’t ask the father first. I think you certainly have some good arguments on your side for doing so. I simply object (for reasons stated above) to you saying that asking the father first would amount to making the woman into property.

I didn’t say nor imply that it makes a woman property but that it is reminicent of a time when women were considered thus and that is the reason a man went to the father or marraiges were arranged.

I think there is a notion that asking the father for permission or whatever is romantic, gallant or something…I don’t really know what else. I think the root of the practice is based on something oppressive. There are so many ways of being romantic or demonstrating respect to a woman’s family.

 

[montanaman]

I think it’s an honorable thing to do, but I don’t think it should be the end of your plans if he says “no.” I’m not fully committed to that, but I’m in a situation where I’m considering a proposal, and the father, a fundamentalist, is always questioning my salvation. If I were to ask today, he’d at least tell me he needs to pray on it and get back to me. I think that would be his way of seeming open-minded when in fact he’s a casual anti-Catholic.

If he was Catholic and less authoritarian, I probably wouldn’t hesitate to ask him, or at least “inform” him of my intentions.

Tomorrow I’ve got a “date” with this man to continue “negotiations.” Lol. We’re going to study the Bible together, but that’s really code for “debate so he can determine if I can continue courting his daughter.” Wish me luck.

 

[thann]

My husband made an appointment with my father to discuss our marriage. EVERYONE knew we were eventually going to get married, but he had not yet bought my ring. My husband did this to honor my family. My parents loved my husband and were very appreciative that he was honorable enough to do such an old-fashioned thing. It got the whole thing off to a smooth start.

'thann

 

[shannon_e]

I just want to say this for the record:

If we want men to step up to the plate and be strong gentlemen,
(Not an oxymoron); then we have to be more open-hearted about the steps they might take.

I think that there is an incredibly huge difference between two men consulting about property vs. one man stating his intentions to another. (hip-hip hooray for the latter)

We women need to face the fact that we have been brainwashed by society to view men thru a negative lens. Granted is has not always been unfounded; but we need to recognize the fact that Satan loves to see it become a habit.

Peace.

 

[dream_wanderer]

My dad was not ‘my first boyfriend’. We had a rather strained relationship. Not bad…just not close. He’s not at all ‘approachable’ and is hard to get to know…my husband to be knew better than to go to him to ask him for anything. If he had done so I would have been so embarrassed…it would just have been a bad scene all around. He asked me first and then we just told my parents that this is what is happening. They didn’t seem to be too put out that he didn’t ‘ask’ them first.

And as we got older and wiser we learned to get along but that took time.

Its not a ‘one size fits all’ scenario.

dream wanderer

 

[Orogeny]

I asked my (now) father-in-law after I asked my bride-to-be and while she was present. Don’t know what I would have done if he had said no!

Peace

Tim

 

[Penny_Plain]

Orogeny:

I asked my (now) father-in-law after I asked my bride-to-be and while she was present. Don’t know what I would have done if he had said no!

Just curious: What did you ask him? “Can I marry your daughter?”

 

[Orogeny]

Penny Plain:

Just curious: What did you ask him? “Can I marry your daughter?”

You know, I’m not sure. I think I said “John, I’ve got a question I want to ask you. Can I marry Trudy?”. Now that I think about it, I’m not sure he ever said yes. He started going on about welcome to the family!

Seems like a long time ago!

Peace

Tim

 

[j_arden]

Asking the father for permission seems unnecessary if you plan on still asking the daughter if he says “no.” I think the idea of asking her parents for their blessing makes sense (mom included). (So does asking his parents for their blessing if that’s the situation, uncommon as it is.) The man-to-man, ask-the-father-only approach is very much tied to the cultures and times when daughters were seen as chattel and dowries needed to be negotiated. Thankfully, this isn’t usually the context of modern proposals. However, even though the suitor and father might not think of the woman in question as property the ceremony certainly has such overtones.

I have never proposed–I’ve bought a ring though–but if I do I will probably seek her parents’ blessing beforehand.

-JP