Should a daughter get her mother's jewelry after she's passed on?

[MakingMyWayBack]

My husband’s first wife died when my step-daughter was 6. She always wore her wedding ring and a St. Agatha medal. They’re kept in a box with my jewelry, and I was giving some of my old jewelry to my step-daughter(now 22), and came across the box and of course she wanted to look at it, and asked if she could have her mother’s stuff, and I said she’d have to ask her dad, because it’s not my stuff, and she wasn’t my wife, so I don’t feel like I have the right to give it to her.

Well, she asked my husband and he said no, and that she’s not responsible enough to have it. After he told her that, I asked him why he would think that, because she’s VERY responsible. I told him I thought she should have it, because she’s their only child, it’s not going to mean as much to anyone else, and I could tell how much she wanted just by the way she looked at. He still says “IF she ever gets it, it will be a long time from now!”

I just think a daughter should have her mother’s jewelry…opinions?

 

[EasterJoy]

I think you ought to convince your husband to at least put a codicil in his will that leaves it to her or her descendants first. Having said that, these are artifacts from his first wife, the mother of his daughter. If there are many things, you might suggest that perhaps he could choose one keepsake for his daughter to have now, but that is his choice. He may not be ready to let go of them yet, and he may be totally unready to hear that anything was allowed to happen to them in his lifetime.

If he never looks at them, then convince him to keep them in his safe or safety deposit box, because of course you wouldn’t want to have to live with it if your stepdaughter never got them because they were stolen out of your jewelry box. That is, of course, the first place a thief would look, if your home were to be broken into. I’ve lived in two different residences that were broken into, and both were in nice neighborhoods. A neighbor living across the street in another neighborhood was burglarized on Easter Sunday, while the family was at church. These things do happen, even to the very responsible.

 

[Anglewannabe]

First I want to applaud you for being such a good step-mom ! How generous to want your step daughter to have these items with no resentment on your part!

As much as I agree with you, your husband may have good reason to say no. I am not even going to guess what the reason is. If he is not comfortable with explaining it to you, I think this is just one of those things you will need to let go of

Angie

 

[1ke]

I think your husband’s reaction is very strange.

 

[MakingMyWayBack]

I think your husband’s reaction is very strange.

I thought so too, I wondered why he was so against it.

 

[skigirl1689]

I think your husband’s reaction is very strange.

You said the jewelry were kept with yours, correct? I do find that odd just because if your husband is comfortable having it kept with your jewelry, why would he not be comfortable giving it to his daughter? Perhaps he wouldn’t feel comfortable seeing her wearing it if she chose to do so? As the saying goes, out of sight, out of mind.

I would tread lightly but make sure your step-daughter ends up with her mom’s jewelry in the end. Like EasterJoy said, make sure it is written into his will.

 

[MakingMyWayBack]

You said the jewelry were kept with yours, correct? I do find that odd just because if your husband is comfortable having it kept with your jewelry, why would he not be comfortable giving it to his daughter? Perhaps he wouldn’t feel comfortable seeing her wearing it if she chose to do so? As the saying goes, out of sight, out of mind.

I would tread lightly but make sure your step-daughter ends up with her mom’s jewelry in the end. Like EasterJoy said, make sure it is written into his will.

Yes, he keeps her jewelry with my stuff, and not with his, and I think it’s very odd too, he says he doesn’t have a good place for it though…

 

[Blue_Goose]

Every situation is different. When my wife died I thought it was important to transfer all jewelry to my daughter (earrings, bracelets, rings, etc.) as quickly as possible. It was not in the will, but I knew my wife wanted our daughter to have the jewelry and eventually I knew she expected our daughter, at the appropriate time, to give the jewelery to our granddaughter, etc.

I admire the way you are handling this issue.

 

[KrazyKat]

It seems odd to me that you are the keeper of his first wife’s jewelry. I would tell him you are not comfortable with this. Start wearing it, see how comfortable he feels. His daughter should definitely have it.

 

[EasterJoy]

Yes, he keeps her jewelry with my stuff, and not with his, and I think it’s very odd too, he says he doesn’t have a good place for it though…

Does anyone remember Tevya’s dream from Fiddler on the Roof? In the dream, the dead wife of the butcher speaks (unhappily) at the prospect that her husband’s second wife will “Live in my house!..Carry my keys!..And wear my clothes!..Pearls!..”

If this husband wants to give his second wife the jewelry and things that belonged to his first wife, that may be his way of giving the wife “her place” in his life. That is OK…he bought those things for his wife. It is not that he is concerned that she wear them necessarily, but he wants her to *have *them, because she is his wife and he is not dead yet.

The things belong to him. These are his feelings; they do not need to make sense. Respect his feelings and abide by his wishes. Ask, however, that the things be named in his will as belonging to his daughter, so that no one else will get them by mistake.

 

[EasterJoy]

It seems odd to me that you are the keeper of his first wife’s jewelry. I would tell him you are not comfortable with this. Start wearing it, see how comfortable he feels. His daughter should definitely have it.

I don’t think this is a good way to treat your spouse’s feelings. She has not been uncomfortable having the things in her jewelry box; she just thinks the daughter ought to have them. The things belong to the husband, and he wants his wife to keep them in her jewelry box. If that was creepy to her, then sure, they ought to talk about that. As it is, it never bothered her to have them there before. It would be sensitive to his feelings to just leave them where they are, where they have been, unless she feels strongly about it herself.

 

[MakingMyWayBack]

Does anyone remember Tevya’s dream from Fiddler on the Roof? In the dream, the dead wife of the butcher speaks (unhappily) at the prospect that her husband’s second wife will “Live in my house!..Carry my keys!..And wear my clothes!..Pearls!..”

If this husband wants to give his second wife the jewelry and things that belonged to his first wife, that may be his way of giving the wife “her place” in his life. That is OK…he bought those things for his wife. It is not that he is concerned that she wear them necessarily, but he wants her to *have *them, because she is his wife and he is not dead yet.

The things belong to him. These are his feelings; they do not need to make sense. Respect his feelings and abide by his wishes. Ask, however, that the things be named in his will as belonging to his daughter, so that no one else will get them by mistake.

I respect his wishes, but I just wondered if I was the only one with this opinion. I actually completely understand about the wedding ring, and wanting to keep it, but I think his daughter should have the medal, because her mother started wearing it as a teenager, something precious to her, before she got married would seem more suited for a daughter, not a husband, but that’s my opinion. I guess I’m just odd.

 

[EasterJoy]

I respect his wishes, but I just wondered if I was the only one with this opinion. I actually completely understand about the wedding ring, and wanting to keep it, but I think his daughter should have the medal, because her mother started wearing it as a teenager, something precious to her, before she got married would seem more suited for a daughter, not a husband, but that’s my opinion. I guess I’m just odd.

I don’t think your opinion is odd at all, and I think you did the right thing. After all, once he’s put the things in your jewelry box, you had reason to believe he would never come out and ask you to give them to your daughter in order to not hurt your feelings. You did a very generous thing, and I’m sure she appreciates it.

The thing is, this seems to be a very emotional topic to him, for some unknown reason. Why that is, he may not even know. He may know, and not want to say. Maybe he has always thought of them as his things, and your daughter asking for them strikes him as a way of wanting the rest of his things, of wanting him out of the way. People sometimes feel that way when their children talk about inheritance. That makes the conversation not about his wife’s passing, but his, and that can get very emotional.

When the two of you revisit your will, as you ought to do from time to time, make sure that these items are mentioned. If you have a safety deposit box, that is also a better place to keep them safe from theft. Ask him if he wants you to wear the jewelry or keep it in your jewelry box so he can simply see it from time to time in a place of honor. If not, and if it is OK to put them in your safety deposit box, ask him about doing that, since it is the sensible thing to do with valuable jewelry that you don’t wear. Do be sure, however, to let him know that you think it is fine if he wants the jewelry wear he can see it from time to time, as it obviously has sentimental value to him.

 

[pnewton]

I think she should get it, eventually. The only reason I could see to delay would be if the daughter was still in transition in life. I understand the desire to make sure the stuff is not pawned, lost or stolen.

 

[EasterJoy]

I think she should get it, eventually. The only reason I could see to delay would be if the daughter was still in transition in life. I understand the desire to make sure the stuff is not pawned, lost or stolen.

In the end, though, it is clear that he considers the jewelry something that he still owns, and a very sentimental possession, too. He has an emotional attachment. If he says “case closed”, it would seem the case ought to be left closed, unless the wife has strong emotions to the contrary. In that case, they talk until they work out something mutually agreeable.

 

[wcknight]

Very strange response from your husband… It sounds like he has some conflict with his daughter. In Chinese culture the parents would give a set of jewelry to the new daughter in law or to a daughter as part of the wedding ceremony.

I would think most of the jewelry should be passed on to the daughter. IF there are sons, there should be some equitable distribution but it needs to be determined well in advance to prevent family feuds later on.

I guess it depends on the relationship between parents, daughters and daughter in laws. I’ve seen some cases where the daughter in law seemed closer than the daughter.

 

[aicirt]

Very odd response from your husband. The jewlery in question consists of her Mom’s wedding band which, as an unmarried 22 yr. old, she would not wear, and a religious medal. So, I’m thinking the ring will go from your jewlery box to hers never to be worn. The medal should be worn by someone so it might as well be your stepdaughter.

This could be a real wedge in Dad’s and DD relationship. See if you can get Dad to rethink this. Christmas is in a few days. Tell him it would be nice for him to give it to her then.

If he is so concerned about her losing them, what about you losing them. I wouldn’t want the responsibility. (I’ve lost jewlery as an adult). If he doesn’t give them to her, I’d tell him to take care of them. He’s making the decisions, he should have the responsibility.