Should I accept my wife's proposal to separate

[Mort_Alz]

Before leaving for work on my day off, my wife handed me a stack of papers that were terms of separation. She wants me to sign them. To be fair, they were very well written and not unfair at all (considering other separation terms). She even says she doesn’t consider it a divorce because she doesn’t believe in it (legally, it’s not a divorce, either). She just wants “a break.” I understand that a break between her and I for a period of time would afford us both some benefits, but I’m uncertain if its the moral thing to do. She keeps acting like she will hire a lawyer and take court action if I don’t sign it, but she doesn’t want to waste the money. I have kept pushing for remaining under the same roof. I’m convinced that if we both work together, we can eliminate the problems that are causing tension/indifference between the two of us. On the other hand, I don’t think she’s willing to work to get through them. Thus, in a sense, it would be easier just to sign the document.

Thoughts? If you need more details to give an informed answer, you may ask for them. Just be specific.

 

[1ke]

I wouldn’t sign anything. Period. And, I would NOT move out of my home. If she wants to separate, she can move out.

I don’t believe she wants to work on anything. This is her way of easing into a divorce. I wouldn’t ease into anything. If you want to work on your marriage and save it, separation isn’t the way to do it.

But if you are inclined to sign anything, you need to have a lawyer review it first.

 

[styrgwillidar]

Before leaving for work on my day off, my wife handed me a stack of papers that were terms of separation. She wants me to sign them. To be fair, they were very well written and not unfair at all (considering other separation terms). She even says she doesn’t consider it a divorce because she doesn’t believe in it (legally, it’s not a divorce, either). She just wants “a break.” I understand that a break between her and I for a period of time would afford us both some benefits, but I’m uncertain if its the moral thing to do. She keeps acting like she will hire a lawyer and take court action if I don’t sign it, but she doesn’t want to waste the money. I have kept pushing for remaining under the same roof. I’m convinced that if we both work together, we can eliminate the problems that are causing tension/indifference between the two of us. On the other hand, I don’t think she’s willing to work to get through them. Thus, in a sense, it would be easier just to sign the document.

Thoughts? If you need more details to give an informed answer, you may ask for them. Just be specific.

Are there children involved? Who gets custody? Statistically, the highest risk to them is a non-biologically related male living with them.

I also agree that if she wants the seperation, than she should be the one moving, not you.

Agree, that this seems a way of easing into divorce. Unless there are terms in the agreement relating to individual counseling, marriage counseling, marriage encounter, a dating plan etc. etc. I do know several couples that went through seperations but ended up working through their issues and moving back in and saving the marriage. But in those cases, the folks really were willing to work through them- i.e.they didn’t need a break as much as tension free living conditions where they could be more objective about their differences and issues.

It takes two to make a marriage, if she isn’t willing to work on it, if she’s already ‘checked out’ of the marriage there isn’t much you can do other than pray, continue to be the kind of man she’d want to be with, and focus on doing things for yourself. Things that will help you deal with it, counseling, working out, focusing on your kids if you have them, taking care of them.

 

[crystal_waters]

If i was you i wouldnt sign anything…

You married each other for better or worse, for richer and poorer, in sickness and in health etc…no where in your vows did it say that you would take a break when things got tough.

You need to bear in mind the possibility thay when she says she wants to have a break it may be so she can have a relationship or sex with someone else and justify it in her own mind that its not cheating because the two of you are on a break.

Going on a break wont fix your marriage…that would be like a step backwards…try a catholic marriage counseller to work through your issues together so you can save your marriage

 

[ajecphotos]

My question would be, would God want 2 people to live together if they were at war all the time? If people were getting hurt?

 

[Mort_Alz]

Are there children involved? Who gets custody? Statistically, the highest risk to them is a non-biologically related male living with them.

I also agree that if she wants the seperation, than she should be the one moving, not you.

Agree, that this seems a way of easing into divorce. Unless there are terms in the agreement relating to individual counseling, marriage counseling, marriage encounter, a dating plan etc. etc. I do know several couples that went through seperations but ended up working through their issues and moving back in and saving the marriage. But in those cases, the folks really were willing to work through them- i.e.they didn’t need a break as much as tension free living conditions where they could be more objective about their differences and issues.

It takes two to make a marriage, if she isn’t willing to work on it, if she’s already ‘checked out’ of the marriage there isn’t much you can do other than pray, continue to be the kind of man she’d want to be with, and focus on doing things for yourself. Things that will help you deal with it, counseling, working out, focusing on your kids if you have them, taking care of them.

There are three kids involved. Custody was worked out in the papers with me getting unrestricted visits as long as I gave twelve hour notice. Also, she is the one intending to move out. She intents to leave me the townhouse we are currently residing in. Counselling is mentioned in the separation agreement. It is stated that we will go to counselling, continue to attend Mass together as a family, and refrain from actions defaming in character or arising in scandal. I.e., we would protect one another’s reputations. I think what she’s wanting is a tension free living condition. Which, is one of the benefits I recognize.

 

[mountee]

If you want to work on your marriage signing those papers would probably not be a good idea. However, leaving for a week or so to have a chance for a little thinking time might be good for her. Suggest she leave for a while and then come back ready to go to counseling before you will even consider any other action but staying just where you are.

 

[Jimdandy]

Discuss this with an attorney who specializes in family law-in some states after a short period a separation can be changed to a divorce with little notice to the other party. Then see your priest and pray always

 

[27lw]

My spouse and I are having trouble in our marriage as well.
I found this today, and thought about how I would answer these questions. Maybe this would be a tool for everyone in marital trouble:

An examination conscience for married people:
Have I neglected the spiritual care of my spouse?
Have I allowed the busy-ness of life to crowd out my primary responsibility of caring for the spiritual needs of my spouse?
Have I put my own needs and desires ahead of the spiritual needs of my spouse?
Have I done anything that distracts my spouse from his/her spiritual development pursuits?
Have I failed to nurture the spiritual interests of my spouse?
Have I allowed my own fears or feelings of inadequacy to hinder spiritual activities with my spouse (e.g. praying together)?
Have I been impatient at the lack of spiritual growth in my spouse and allowed despair to rise, or my hope in Christ to wane?
Have I stopped praying and making sacrifices for my spouse that they might come to know Christ or to know Christ more fully?
Have I stopped working on my own spiritual progress in holiness toward my spouse because of offenses that I nurture?
Have I failed to forgive my spouse as Christ has forgiven me?

Read more: spiritualdirection.com/blog/2012/01/31/marriage-examination-of-conscience-marriage-spirituality-part-iii#ixzz3CqNVRX3I

I thought this was really good too:
faithandmarriage.org/FaithandMarriage.org/Resources_files/Examination%20of%20Conscience%20for%20Married%20Couples%20PDF.pdf

If only my husband and I could go through one of these together…

 

[Xantippe]

Talk to a lawyer before signing anything.

 

[Faxero]

She keeps acting like she will hire a lawyer and take court action if I don’t sign it, but she doesn’t want to waste the money. I have kept pushing for remaining under the same roof. I’m convinced that if we both work together, we can eliminate the problems that are causing tension/indifference between the two of us. On the other hand, I don’t think she’s willing to work to get through them. Thus, in a sense, it would be easier just to sign the document.

:ehh: This seems like a red flag.

 

[MaryT777]

I find it appalling you need to give your wife a 12 hour notice to see your own children.
I would never sign any such document.

You definitely need an attorney and I am happy you are staying where you live for the first thing an attorney says is NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE or it’s easier if there is later a divorce to say that spouse abandoned the family. (In my state at least; I’m sure family law varies by state)

My prayers go with you. I would be suspicious of such a legal means for a separation which can be obtained by her leaving the house and staying elswhere with the kids with you.
She can give you a 12 hours notice to see them.

Mary.

 

[heidi_storage]

I find it appalling you need to give your wife a 12 hour notice to see your own children.
I would never sign any such document.

You definitely need an attorney and I am happy you are staying where you live for the first thing an attorney says is NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE or it’s easier if there is later a divorce to say that spouse abandoned the family. (In my state at least; I’m sure family law varies by state)

My prayers go with you. I would be suspicious of such a legal means for a separation which can be obtained by her leaving the house and staying elswhere with the kids with you.
She can give you a 12 hours notice to see them.

Mary.

Yeah, what’s this nonsense? She just decided she’s going to have custody, moving the children out of their home, and you can see them “with notice”? Bad deal.

 

[Auntie_A]

If you want to work on your marriage signing those papers would probably not be a good idea. However, leaving for a week or so to have a chance for a little thinking time might be good for her. Suggest she leave for a while and then come back ready to go to counseling before you will even consider any other action but staying just where you are.

I agree, although I don’t know if this has been tried already. It seems like a good first step before rushing into something that disrupts and hurts an entire family.

I don’t know what has happened in this marriage that has caused this action. It is too easy to jump to a conclusion, but I think the OP might consider talking with someone-priest or counsellor-to deal with his part in this proposed separation.

I also think that legal advice would be important since there are children involved. Why don’t the parents in these situations let the kids stay where they are and the parents move in and out? Custody laws and practices still seem to punish the child and turn them into some kind of wandering pawns.

 

[Irishmom2]

I think you have gotten a lot of good advice.

If you want to save your marriage, don’t sign anything. Counseling should come before separation. If she is not willing to go to counseling, that is on her. She can leave if she wants, but she shouldn’t be taking the kids with her. Since there is no written decree or custody paperwork, she has no more right to take them than you would if you decided to leave.

You might want to get a lawyer now, just in case it comes down to her getting “ugly.” She can sound all rational and calm now when she is doing the asking and thinks she is in charge, but if she doesn’t get what she wants, she may be different.

You should NEVER need 12 hours notice to see your OWN children. This is why you need to speak to a lawyer, now, not later.

 

[gh4]

I would not sign those without an attorney, period.
There are some great retreat centers in this country, maybe she needs to so a week long retreat and give herself a break that way.
You are already working on your days off, does she work, or will you shoulder the responsibility of maintaining 2 residences for the family? Finances are going to be very different and lots of doubles, 2 utility bills, 2 rents, 2 water bills, etc. and so forth.
You need an attorney, that way things can be legal and fair. Worth every dime you will pay in his/her fees.
Good luck.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I think you have gotten a lot of good advice.

If you want to save your marriage, don’t sign anything. Counseling should come before separation. If she is not willing to go to counseling, that is on her. She can leave if she wants, but she shouldn’t be taking the kids with her. Since there is no written decree or custody paperwork, she has no more right to take them than you would if you decided to leave.

You might want to get a lawyer now, just in case it comes down to her getting “ugly.” She can sound all rational and calm now when she is doing the asking and thinks she is in charge, but if she doesn’t get what she wants, she may be different.

You should NEVER need 12 hours notice to see your OWN children. This is why you need to speak to a lawyer, now, not later.

In the case of separation and divorce, notice is always required. The custodial parent does need to know in advance when a visit will happen, or else they may not even be home.

My concern is that if he decides to fight this, he’ll end up with something far less generous than 12 hours. A lot of agreements require at least 24, often 48.

Rather than fight this at this particular moment, I would recommend negotiating changes to the agreement. Include a dating plan, and a mandatory family night once or twice a week. I know he said mass and counseling were already included, why not fight for a bit more? Outright refusal may backfire in a real way though.

 

[Xantippe]

I’m a little puzzled by your posting history.

3.5 years ago, you were asking about a non-Christian girlfriend.

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=534443

3 years ago, you were a college freshman living with your parents.

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=606668

How, with that kind of timeline, did you manage to marry and have three kids and to be teetering on the edge of separation. Are some of these step kids or did you have multiples? You must have married pretty young, unless you were a non-traditional student.

Sorry, just puzzled.

 

[1ke]

There are three kids involved. Custody was worked out in the papers with me getting unrestricted visits as long as I gave twelve hour notice. Also, she is the one intending to move out. She intents to leave me the townhouse we are currently residing in. Counselling is mentioned in the separation agreement. It is stated that we will go to counselling, continue to attend Mass together as a family, and refrain from actions defaming in character or arising in scandal. I.e., we would protect one another’s reputations. I think what she’s wanting is a tension free living condition. Which, is one of the benefits I recognize.

I know you want to believe what she is saying, that this is just a separation. But, she looks like she has done a lot of homework.

She’s slipped in to the paperwork a de facto custody agreement with her getting full custody and you getting visits upon notice. NO WAY, Jose. That is setting her up with full custody and if you signed it in this ‘agreement’ it will be harder to get joint or even primary custody if it moves to divorce.

She can move out, kids stay in their home with you. That would be my counter offer.

You need to get a lawyer NOW.

 

[Irishmom2]

I’m a little puzzled by your posting history.

3.5 years ago, you were asking about a non-Christian girlfriend.

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=534443

3 years ago, you were a college freshman living with your parents.

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=606668

How, with that kind of timeline, did you manage to marry and have three kids and to be teetering on the edge of separation. Are some of these step kids or did you have multiples? You must have married pretty young, unless you were a non-traditional student.

Sorry, just puzzled.

:tiphat: ooh, Xantippe, you are good!