Should I accept my wife's proposal to separate

[1ke]

I’m a little puzzled by your posting history.

3.5 years ago, you were asking about a non-Christian girlfriend.

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=534443

3 years ago, you were a college freshman living with your parents.

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=606668

How, with that kind of timeline, did you manage to marry and have three kids and to be teetering on the edge of separation. Are some of these step kids or did you have multiples? You must have married pretty young, unless you were a non-traditional student.

Sorry, just puzzled.

there’s also a thread I participated on regarding convalidating a marriage from back in February-- Catholic married to Catholic outside the Church. On that thread it is hard to tell if it’s his actual situation or just a general question.

 

[styrgwillidar]

There are three kids involved. Custody was worked out in the papers with me getting unrestricted visits as long as I gave twelve hour notice. Also, she is the one intending to move out. She intents to leave me the townhouse we are currently residing in. Counselling is mentioned in the separation agreement. It is stated that we will go to counselling, continue to attend Mass together as a family, and refrain from actions defaming in character or arising in scandal. I.e., we would protect one another’s reputations. I think what she’s wanting is a tension free living condition. Which, is one of the benefits I recognize.

Kids-

Divorce and separation are very hard on them. Why would you pull them out of their current home on top of everything else? When my wife decided she wanted a separation the hardest part were the days she had custody and I missed the routine of tucking them in/kissing at night and in the morning. Luckily, the 50% custody only lasted about three weeks, then the every other weekend custody which lasted for one kid 4 months, the other 8 months after she moved out. They’ve lived with me full time ever since, Mom visits, brings them dinner once a week. Has been coming by every morning during the school year to assist in getting them ready for school, visits occasionally during the week. No 12 hr notification-- she can be there any time her kids are willing to have her in their home.

• Will your wife permit you that kind of access to your kids? She needs to support your relationship with them, not hinder it.

Secondly, the kids may see this as you wanting time away from them. Why isn’t Dad here, why doesn’t Dad want to live with us? Why don’t we have a home with Dad?

(Seriously, the best piece of advice I could give is to ensure they have a home with you. A place in your home that is theirs, even when they’re with their mother. It’s not a place they visit their Dad, it’s a place they live with him.)

Thirdly the following, in decending order are statistically the best arrangements for the kids:

• Intact family
• Shared custody
• Paternal custody
• Maternal custody

I wouldn’t sign those documents. I wouldn’t have just visitation with my kids. They need more, they deserve more. You’ll sign those documents and if it gets to a divorce, they’ll become the basis for the agreement. Then, she may start shifting more and more custody to you when they’re inconvenient to have around her. But she’ll have the legal documents in place for support and custody to use against you. And against the kids.

 

[Cricket2]

I would not sign anything, but if things are tense enough to have reached this point a temporary separation may be in order. Still you might want legal advise, as one person leaving could give the other grounds to file “desertion charges” in a divorce. (I don’t know if that is what it is called now, but it used to be grounds for judges letting the remaining spouse have custody of the kids.)

Sometime I think people do need time apart to work out issues. But you should get advise from more qualified folks than any of us.

 

[LongingSoul]

When you say you don’t think she is willing to work on your problems… do you mean just talking it out between yourselves? If she has included the requirement for counselling in the separation agreement, it sounds as though she is prepared to work on it with the help of a trained third party. I can definitely identify with that as often nothing shifts when you are all just beating the same bush time and time again.

Have you been to marriage counselling before? Are you willing to get that started as soon as possible?

 

[Kount_C]

Before leaving for work on my day off, my wife handed me a stack of papers that were terms of separation. She wants me to sign them. To be fair, they were very well written and not unfair at all (considering other separation terms). She even says she doesn’t consider it a divorce because she doesn’t believe in it (legally, it’s not a divorce, either). She just wants “a break.” I understand that a break between her and I for a period of time would afford us both some benefits, but I’m uncertain if its the moral thing to do. She keeps acting like she will hire a lawyer and take court action if I don’t sign it, but she doesn’t want to waste the money. I have kept pushing for remaining under the same roof. I’m convinced that if we both work together, we can eliminate the problems that are causing tension/indifference between the two of us. On the other hand, I don’t think she’s willing to work to get through them. Thus, in a sense, it would be easier just to sign the document.

Thoughts? If you need more details to give an informed answer, you may ask for them. Just be specific.

A break? How old is she? like 21 years old or something? That’s something a teenager says. I doubt she is mature enough to recognize her own feelings, weather they are positive or negative, about what she wants in life.

 

[maryjk]

Before leaving for work on my day off, my wife handed me a stack of papers that were terms of separation. She wants me to sign them. To be fair, they were very well written and not unfair at all (considering other separation terms).

Leaving for work on your day off?

Really, why do you care if they were well written?

Get a lawyer.