Should I allow Dad's new wife to attend my child's First Communion?

[ChasingGideon]

My mother and father were married for over thirty years. My dad then had an affair with a lady (let’s call her “Z” for this question). Dad continued his relationship with Z and then divorced my mom under civil law and married Z under civil law. The annulment was propely denied (praise God). Now I am in the position of constantly trying to figure out what the right thing to do is with respect to my dad and Z. It is my understanding that we should not acknowledge his marriage to Z, which we have clearly done (with much pain). The question I have, though, is a bit more difficult. Is it proper to allow or invite Z to attend the sacraments of my children? First Communion for the oldest is coming this May. Obviously it will bother my mom who will also be attending, but I want to know, putting aside everyone’s interests (mine, my wife’s, Dad’s, Z’s, and Mom’s), bottom line, what is the right thing to do?

 

[Michelle_Arnold]

The right thing would be for your father and Z to realize that her presence at the First Communion of his grandchild would be unnecessary and painful for his family and for Z to graciously agree to remain home so that her step-grandchild’s special occasion not be marred by family drama. It sounds like you already know that this isn’t likely to happen unless you intervene in some way. The problem for you is that church services are open to anyone who wants to attend. You can’t bar Z from the church door; the most you can do is to not offer her an invitation to any private family celebration you might have after the Mass. And how well will that go over?

Perhaps you can forestall all of this if you and your wife sit down with your father and Z, and politely and respectfully ask for their cooperation in making the day as stress-free for your child as possible. Share your fear that Z’s attendance will cause drama of a sort inappropriate for a church service, and ask for their ideas on how to avoid that. Perhaps Z might offer to stay home. If not, and if their ideas for avoiding drama are unworkable or unreasonable, then ask if Z could stay home and offer in exchange to create mementos (e.g., photos, video, scrapbook) of the day for your dad and Z to enjoy later.

If all else fails and your father and Z insist on attending the church service together, prepare your mom and child so that they won’t be surprised, treat your father and Z with politeness at the First Communion, and plan for a special outing for your mom, your wife, and your kids to celebrate the sacramental milestone and to reward all of you for managing courtesy in the face of adversity.