Should I ask her?

[buckr02]

Hey all,

As some of you may know from previous threads, I have a friend whom I have really liked ever since I met her almost five years ago. After talking with her awhile back, I found out that she does not plan on dating until she is done with school and ready to look into marriage, which is sort of how I feel, so it’s not so bad.

Now to the present - she just graduated high school and I have been thinking more and more about my future (I’m going to be a junior in college). I have, for the last four or five years, been planning on waiting for this girl because I am that crazy about her, but because I’m starting to think more heavily about my life now and after college, I am realizing that I may be wasting my time.

I do not plan on asking her to start dating. We’re not considering marriage at this point, plus she’s really independent and likes being single right now. However, I am wondering if it may be prudent to ask her if there’s any chance we will be more than friends in the future. I feel like I could save myself a lot of heartache if I just get this out of the way now.

Where I run into problems is that right now things are going pretty well between us, but we very recently got over some big bumps in our friendship - we almost stopped being friends completely. If I decide to talk to her about this, I wonder if I should first work on rebuilding our friendship first or if this is actually a perfect time because we won’t work to rebuild our friendship only to have it potentially get messed up later if she says she doesn’t want to be more than friends. Plus, she is only 18 and I feel like girls are not even beginning to think about dating / marriage at that age so it could be really awkward or scare her away.

Any advice? Sorry for the long thread - I trimmed it down but there’s still a lot.

 

[rebusrms]

I was taught that the best way to start, maintain, and grow a romantic relationship is through a friendship. First and foremost my wife is my best friend before she is anything else. You are right to work on the friendship first.

 

[buckr02]

I was taught that the best way to start, maintain, and grow a romantic relationship is through a friendship. First and foremost my wife is my best friend before she is anything else. You are right to work on the friendship first.

Yes but I am worried that I’m going to continue this friendship with the expectation or hope that we will be more than friends at some point, whereas she may have other plans.

My brothers have also given some advice on this, which I am not sure is true, but worth discussing. They said that if you are friends with a girl for awhile then they will put you in the “friends” category and you can never get out of that to become more than friends. It sounds kind of ridiculous, but is this true?

 

[annieBnanie]

Yes but I am worried that I’m going to continue this friendship with the expectation or hope that we will be more than friends at some point, whereas she may have other plans.

My brothers have also given some advice on this, which I am not sure is true, but worth discussing. They said that if you are friends with a girl for awhile then they will put you in the “friends” category and you can never get out of that to become more than friends. It sounds kind of ridiculous, but is this true?

As you can see, I’m not a prolific poster… but your question totally made me log in and respond. I’m getting married in 4 months to my absolute best friend. We were friends for 2 years before we even considered dating. And when we decided to be a couple 2 years ago (4 years after we met), it was almost an immediate decision that we would get married. So obviously I managed to move him out of the “friend” category.

The best and most honest love blossoms out of friendship and respect.

Best of luck.

 

[rebusrms]

With regards to your brothers, they do have a point but that doesn’t mean its gospel. The same could be said of my advice, though I still hold on to it. Beware of absolutes. It sounds like you are set on asking her if your relationship can go farther. In my humble opinion I would word it as such, “Since we are such good Friends and we appear to click and be in sync maybe we can take this relationship farther.” Granted I’m a geek and maybe you should put what I said into your own words. I’ll be praying!

 

[yellowbird]

I wonder if I should first work on rebuilding our friendship first or if this is actually a perfect time because we won’t work to rebuild our friendship only to have it potentially get messed up later if she says she doesn’t want to be more than friends. Plus, she is only 18 and I feel like girls are not even beginning to think about dating / marriage at that age so it could be really awkward or scare her away.
Any advice? Sorry for the long thread - I trimmed it down but there’s still a lot.

I think it doesn’t hurt to tell her how you feel or ask if there’s a possiblity in the future. Whether or not it screws up your friendship will depend on how YOU act if she says she only likes you as a friend.

I think most girls, at 18 ARE thinking of dating - maybe not marriage yet - but dating, sure. She’s a grown woman. We don’t scare easily.

Good luck!

 

[ckempston]

I realize this is easy to say, and may sound cliche, but you have to have faith, and you have to go by your principles. By having faith, I mean you need to trust that God has someone in store for you, and it may or may not be this girl you’re interested in. By going by your principles, I think you have to remember to not be “unequally yoked.” I know that has a different connotation in context, but I think the principle is a wise one. Don’t force it if she appears to be headed in a different direction in her life. If you have to do a whole lot of convincing, she may end up feeling some spite later on. Of course, if you’re both Christians, you should be able to work through those problems. There’s also nothing to say that you can’t just have a really long engagement. You can make your intentions clear, but not force her into a quick marriage if she wants to finish school first.

 

[buckr02]

I think most girls, at 18 ARE thinking of dating - maybe not marriage yet - but dating, sure. She’s a grown woman. We don’t scare easily.

Sorry, I meant dating in the sense of looking for a spouse.

 

[buckr02]

One thing I didn’t mention before is that we have sort of talked about the future of our relationship before, but it was a bit immature and we both kind of beat around the bush. I’m planning on being more direct now, but what I kind of expect her answer to be is that she’s just not sure if anything will happen. I get the feeling she wants to keep it as an option, but isn’t really thinking about it.

However, if she says that and I tell her that I want something more in the future, I’m afraid she’s going to feel like I’m expecting something in the future or like she’s going to feel obligated in some way. I’m worried about sort of “trapping” her.

And wouldn’t it be weird for her if she got the idea that I am waiting for her?

 

[ckempston]

There’s nothing weird in my mind about waiting for true love. To be frank, if she thinks that’s weird, I’d hang things up because she likely doesn’t have a mature understanding of love, which is what I tend to worry about in young couples in the first place.

 

[Belgarion]

One thing I didn’t mention before is that we have sort of talked about the future of our relationship before, but it was a bit immature and we both kind of beat around the bush. I’m planning on being more direct now, but what I kind of expect her answer to be is that she’s just not sure if anything will happen. I get the feeling she wants to keep it as an option, but isn’t really thinking about it.

However, if she says that and I tell her that I want something more in the future, I’m afraid she’s going to feel like I’m expecting something in the future or like she’s going to feel obligated in some way. I’m worried about sort of “trapping” her.

And wouldn’t it be weird for her if she got the idea that I am waiting for her?

Heck no!!!

I must be the king of waiting…
I waited 5 years for someone…with a few distractions (I was too young)…but everyone who knew that thought it was sweet.

In another case, I have been waiting for a girl for a year. I asked for her father’s permission and everything. I haven’t even TOLD the girl.

but everyone thinks one of two things:

1. That’s pathetic, find someone else.
   or
2. That’s so sweet!

THe fact that you are waiting for your girl is a big sacrifice. And if she sees that you happily made that sacrifice for her…that’ll let her know how much you feel for her. IT’ll show how special you really think she is.

 

[buckr02]

Thanks for the posts everyone. I am currently leaning towards asking her and seeing what happens. But I might wait until things have settled down between us before I do that, which could take a few months. I’m getting impatient, but I guess if I have waited this long for her, a few more months can’t hurt.

Thanks for all the advice.

 

[lauramelissa]

My brothers have also given some advice on this, which I am not sure is true, but worth discussing. They said that if you are friends with a girl for awhile then they will put you in the “friends” category and you can never get out of that to become more than friends. It sounds kind of ridiculous, but is this true?

This is a new one to me! It’s funny, I actually had a male friend of mine tell me this is how guys operate with their female friends - it’s interesting to see the difference in perception between people.

As for a female perspective on this… I’ve never been attracted to someone who hadn’t already been my friend for a period of time. The idea of being approached by some random stranger and having that “getting to know each other” chat over coffee seems completely unrealistic to me. I want to date (and eventually marry) someone who is my best friend through and through. Therefore, it’s a plus if you’re friends first, no?

Though, you mentioned she is fresh out of high school and enjoying the single life. I would say give her some time to get out and have some life experience (I’m only a year older than her, and imaging getting myself into a relationship a year ago right after high school is a bit scary, but I’m open to dating now. It’s amazing what that first year away does for you!) and in that time work on rebuilding your friendship, since you mentioned that you two had a falling out. In the long run, it will show you value her both as your friend AND the person you love.

 

[frfreddie]

You might consider being open and honest with her. That’s the easy part. Consider what it means if she wants to become closer to you. What do you see that entailing. How exactly will that work. It’s good to have that thought out, she may ask.

Consider too what if means if she says she doesn’t want to enter into a closer relationship. Does that mean she will be just another college friend, someone you see at parties, games, etc? Will you then begin searching for someone else?

It’s just me, but I moved much too fast when I was your age. I was married and had children before I knew what I was trying to do. Now I’m working on getting my first marriage annulled.

Take your time. Think things through. God does have a plan for you. Pray to him for guidance. May he bless you.

 

[buckr02]

As for a female perspective on this… I’ve never been attracted to someone who hadn’t already been my friend for a period of time. The idea of being approached by some random stranger and having that “getting to know each other” chat over coffee seems completely unrealistic to me. I want to date (and eventually marry) someone who is my best friend through and through. Therefore, it’s a plus if you’re friends first, no?

But even if you’ve been friends for almost 5 years and will be for several years more before considering dating? It just seems like if we’ve been friends for that long and she hasn’t thought of me as more of a friend, she never will.

Though, you mentioned she is fresh out of high school and enjoying the single life. I would say give her some time to get out and have some life experience (I’m only a year older than her, and imaging getting myself into a relationship a year ago right after high school is a bit scary, but I’m open to dating now. It’s amazing what that first year away does for you!) and in that time work on rebuilding your friendship, since you mentioned that you two had a falling out. In the long run, it will show you value her both as your friend AND the person you love.

Yeah, I have been thinking about waiting until she is done with her first year before talking to her about this. I just can’t decide what to do yet. I’m very back and forth on the issue.

The thing is, I’m not looking to get into a relationship right now, because I am pretty certain she will not want that. I’m only looking to ask her if there’s a chance we will ever have a relationship, whether that be next year or five years from now. So I’m having trouble with the best way to approach this.

 

[Tinajo]

But even if you’ve been friends for almost 5 years and will be for several years more before considering dating? It just seems like if we’ve been friends for that long and she hasn’t thought of me as more of a friend, she never will.

I can’t say what the right thing to do in your situation is, but I can tell my story, having been the girl in this situation, and hope that helps you…

When my husband first asked me out, we’d been friends for about 3 years and it completely came out of the blue - I had had no idea he was interested (although with hindsight, I should probably have noticed!) and when the topic had been brought up by one of our mutual friends in the past, my attitude had been ‘no, I just don’t see him that way’(!)

It was the very fact that he had asked me out that made me think about whether we could be more than friends, and find out whether we should marry one another. That said, I actually said no at the time for various reasons, and it was only several months down the line that I decided that we should go out together… and now we’re married

The thing is, I’m not looking to get into a relationship right now, because I am pretty certain she will not want that. I’m only looking to ask her if there’s a chance we will ever have a relationship, whether that be next year or five years from now. So I’m having trouble with the best way to approach this.

If you’re not afraid of waiting, and if she’s anything like me in this respect, then I would have thought telling her you would be interested in a relationship would be enough for now - it would trigger her to think about it, and if in a few months or years she finds that she thinks it’s a good idea too, she can come back to you.

That said, if you do come to some sort of arrangement like this, it should be clear that either of you can change your mind without penalty - after all, what if you met someone else in the meantime who was ready to explore possibly getting married to you?

 

[buckr02]

Ok, well here’s what happened:

I had finally decided that I was just going to hold off for about a year or so and see how things were going before I talked to her about all of this. That didn’t exactly work out.

On Monday night, we were on the phone for like 2 hours, during which time I just kind of felt the right moment to talk to her about all this. I now am very mad that it happened on the phone, because I wanted to do this through email (just kidding - wanted to do it in person), but before I realized that, we were already into the heat of things.

So the conversation kind of went like this:
I basically just asked her if she saw us ever being more than friends. She was a little confused at first, asking when I was talking about, but her answer was that she hadn’t really thought about it, but that she could see it going either way. She could see us just remaining friends but also could see us being more than friends. We talked about a few things, but at one point, she said, “I don’t think it would work.” It was kind of spur of the moment, but I think she said it because we have fought a lot in the past, causing us to almost stop being friends, as I’ve mentioned before. I think she feels like our way of arguing isn’t compatible or something, but that is largely due to many of my own problems which I have definitely changed.

After a little bit, I told her that there was a reason for me asking and I explained that my plan since I met her and even now has always been to wait for her and hopefully date once we’re done with school. She was a bit shocked, but she didn’t tell me I was wasting my time or that she was weirded out.

So things actually went better than I expected because she said that she could see us dating in the future, but that line about not thinking it would work bothers me. I know that if I could show her, she would realize that I’m a different person now than I was when we were fighting, but I can’t show her that. I am thinking that maybe I should talk about all of this again with her the next time I see her, but I don’t know if it’s prudent to talk about it too much or something. That sounds dumb - but I’m just confused as to what to do or think.

I want to think that the comment meant nothing and was just a spurt that she didn’t really mean or something, but I also realize that emotions cloud judgment, and I could just be hoping for something when she was serious about that comment. I guess I should just talk to her about it, but does anyone see anything obvious here that I might be missing or just have anything thoughts/comments on the matter?

 

[chevalier]

I think she was being honest. It’s a good sign - if not about the future, then about her. It is a very good sign that even though she thought it would never work out, she wasn’t weirded out or anything like that - she actually examined that possibility. This means she’s somewhat reasonable. Also, she is ready to give it a chance, but doesn’t want to push it. She just doesn’t rule it out, but doesn’t want to jump on big waters without reason… which means she’s not prejudiced.

All in all, I’d be amazed with just such a situation occuring.

And no, you shouldn’t talk about it again. Give her some time. And yourself. Next time you meet, perhaps don’t talk about it either. Just spend some time together, but don’t push your company on her. We guys think we lose points if we aren’t around, but that’s not always true.

 

[buckr02]

I think she was being honest. It’s a good sign - if not about the future, then about her. It is a very good sign that even though she thought it would never work out, she wasn’t weirded out or anything like that - she actually examined that possibility. This means she’s somewhat reasonable. Also, she is ready to give it a chance, but doesn’t want to push it. She just doesn’t rule it out, but doesn’t want to jump on big waters without reason… which means she’s not prejudiced.

All in all, I’d be amazed with just such a situation occuring.

And no, you shouldn’t talk about it again. Give her some time. And yourself. Next time you meet, perhaps don’t talk about it either. Just spend some time together, but don’t push your company on her. We guys think we lose points if we aren’t around, but that’s not always true.

I know she was being honest, but I’m also wondering if maybe she just didn’t think it through enough. I was happy with the way things turned out, but that one line worries me. But I also think that she is just saying that because of what has happened in the past.

What you said is very encouraging, though, so thanks for that. I talked to a female friend of mine who is the same age as this girl, and she said that she thinks this girl just used this as her way to not hurt my feelings. But I think since this is something very important - a conversation that would drastically affect the next several years of my life - that she would be honest and upfront.

I am especially encouraged because of the fact that she practically told me she doesn’t want to be friends anymore just a few months ago, yet she thinks it could happen. I’m glad you think these signs are good too, because I was worried I was just being naive.

 

[Magicsilence]

We talked about a few things, but at one point, she said, “I don’t think it would work.” It was kind of spur of the moment, but I think she said it because we have fought a lot in the past, causing us to almost stop being friends, as I’ve mentioned before.

You are only friends, and you’ve already ‘fought’, and she tells you she doesn’t think it will work?

Hmm, to me, there is only one logical explanation