Should I ask her?

[buckr02]

You are only friends, and you’ve already ‘fought’, and she tells you she doesn’t think it will work?

Hmm, to me, there is only one logical explanation

That’s actually a lot more complicated than you would think. I don’t really have time to explain it in detail right now, because I am about to leave for the weekend, but I’m actually starting to think that her answer was a pretty good one considering what I expected. I’m mostly just worried about whether or not I should talk to her about this again just to really clarify things or if I should wait awhile before talking or if I should just be happy with her answer and go with it.

 

[buckr02]

I guess I lied. I’m not going to be leaving for a little while, but I will only go into the details of us fighting if someone asks.

I am actually starting to become less concerned with what she said. Like chevalier, I’m pretty excited about what she said. I honestly was expecting her to be really vague or just tell me that she didn’t see it happening, but she said she could see it and so that’s all I needed.

I was a little unclear about what she said, regarding her not thinking it would work. When she said it, it sounded almost like she was asking me or that she was thinking out loud, not that she really thought for sure that it wouldn’t work. If she had sounded like she was sure of it, I would have been more worried than I was. I really think now that she was kind of asking me and thinking to herself about whether it would work, knowing what we’ve gone through. However, I know the changes I’ve made in my life and I know how our relationship has changed, so I am confident that over the next few years, I will be able to show her how much I’ve improved and that things will be different. (once again, I think you would really need to understand the nature of our fighting and to have a little insight into it to really understand what I mean, but I won’t bother if no one is interested)

 

[whatevergirl]

Ok, well here’s what happened:

I had finally decided that I was just going to hold off for about a year or so and see how things were going before I talked to her about all of this. That didn’t exactly work out.

On Monday night, we were on the phone for like 2 hours, during which time I just kind of felt the right moment to talk to her about all this. I now am very mad that it happened on the phone, because I wanted to do this through email (just kidding - wanted to do it in person), but before I realized that, we were already into the heat of things.

So the conversation kind of went like this:
I basically just asked her if she saw us ever being more than friends. She was a little confused at first, asking when I was talking about, but her answer was that she hadn’t really thought about it, but that she could see it going either way. She could see us just remaining friends but also could see us being more than friends. We talked about a few things, but at one point, she said, “I don’t think it would work.” It was kind of spur of the moment, but I think she said it because we have fought a lot in the past, causing us to almost stop being friends, as I’ve mentioned before. I think she feels like our way of arguing isn’t compatible or something, but that is largely due to many of my own problems which I have definitely changed.

After a little bit, I told her that there was a reason for me asking and I explained that my plan since I met her and even now has always been to wait for her and hopefully date once we’re done with school. She was a bit shocked, but she didn’t tell me I was wasting my time or that she was weirded out.

So things actually went better than I expected because she said that she could see us dating in the future, but that line about not thinking it would work bothers me. I know that if I could show her, she would realize that I’m a different person now than I was when we were fighting, but I can’t show her that. I am thinking that maybe I should talk about all of this again with her the next time I see her, but I don’t know if it’s prudent to talk about it too much or something. That sounds dumb - but I’m just confused as to what to do or think.

I want to think that the comment meant nothing and was just a spurt that she didn’t really mean or something, but I also realize that emotions cloud judgment, and I could just be hoping for something when she was serious about that comment. I guess I should just talk to her about it, but does anyone see anything obvious here that I might be missing or just have anything thoughts/comments on the matter?

Interesting response. I guess my question is…why do you want to wait for someone, that it appears like you need to ‘sell’ a relationship idea to? I have read a few threads on here recently about men, in particular, wanting one person who isn’t returning the gesture, and their plan to wait on that person, or convince that person, etc…

I personally would not put my life on hold on ‘what if’s.’ I think that her reply was not discouraging, but not necessarily encouraging. I don’t know if I would try to spend my time convincing someone of my worth to date, as much as I would try to just be a good friend to her, and ask her to dinner here and there, and see the response. I could not be a man, I don’t think. Many women might not like me. I think I would seek out women, if I were a man, who showed interest in me as opposed to trying to convince one woman to date me, who seems vague, But, I just don’t think that dating needs to be this complex, with constant analysis, and what did he/she mean by this or that statement? I don’t mean to sound like I don’t understand, and I realize you like this person, but I don’t know if I would put all of my eggs in this one basket, so to speak. Truthfully, if someone likes another, he/she wants it to be known…back in college, if I liked a guy, and he asked me out, I said yes. If I didn’t like him, I didn’t tell him…‘well, maybe some day I could see us together.’ No. I didn’t date him, and didn’t keep him in the wings. I guess I never liked the thought of a guy waiting on me, if I really didn’t like him ‘like that.’

How were things left? Is she willing to explore dating NOW? If she is not willing to explore dating you now, why would you wait on this person?

 

[whatevergirl]

buckr02;3941141***:

I know she was being honest, but I’m also wondering if maybe she just didn’t think it through enough. I was happy with the way things turned out, but that one line worries me. But I also think that she is just saying that because of what has happened in the past.*

What you said is very encouraging, though, so thanks for that. I talked to a female friend of mine who is the same age as this girl, and she said that she thinks this girl just used this as her way to not hurt my feelings. But I think since this is something very important - a conversation that would drastically affect the next several years of my life - that she would be honest and upfront.

I am especially encouraged because of the fact that she practically told me she doesn’t want to be friends anymore just a few months ago, yet she thinks it could happen. I’m glad you think these signs are good too, because I was worried I was just being naive.

I would also caution against assuming you know what her comments mean and not taking her on face value. Like, the reply wasn’t what you wanted to hear, so she must have not heard you right, or she must be referring to something else that happened. I think that while it could appear encouraging, I would just ask her out, and see where an actualy relationship might lead. Living in the land of doing, is far better (and healthier for us) than living in the land of…wishing, hoping, and speculating. I hope that things work out, but just be cautious of applying what you think she is thinking to things. If she tells you something straight forward, then just accept it for face value. If she continues to appear like she is vague, or on the fence, I probably would move on. Just my thoughts.

 

[PaulinVA]

When does “waiting for someone” become stalking? This is creepy.

If for some reason you don’t believe in dating right now, and you have found this girl you want to date, then you need to run away. For your sanity. For her piece of mind.

Live your life, let her live hers. If your lives intersect again at a time you can date, ask her.

 

[chevalier]

What you said is very encouraging, though, so thanks for that.

Don’t set your hopes too high, though…

I talked to a female friend of mine who is the same age as this girl, and she said that she thinks this girl just used this as her way to not hurt my feelings.

Possible, although not overwhelmingly likely. If that were true, she would have done it very gently. That would mean she’s quite a sensible person.

But I think since this is something very important - a conversation that would drastically affect the next several years of my life - that she would be honest and upfront.

Yeah.

I am especially encouraged because of the fact that she practically told me she doesn’t want to be friends anymore just a few months ago, yet she thinks it could happen. I’m glad you think these signs are good too, because I was worried I was just being naive.

I would say good signs rather than bad ones, but this doesn’t mean they’re signs that a relationship is likely to start as a result. I do note she didn’t give you a brush-off but talked to you normally. That’s important no matter where you end up.

Like chevalier, I’m pretty excited about what she said. I honestly was expecting her to be really vague or just tell me that she didn’t see it happening, but she said she could see it and so that’s all I needed.

I’m not excited with your chances being so big now, because we can’t even really determine what they are, but rather it’s quite exciting to see that there are still women who would actually talk to you normally, not like the manner which is common nowadays.

 

[buckr02]

Thanks for taking the time to respond, whatevergirl. You make a lot of good points, but ones that don’t necessarily apply to my situation and ones that I’ve thought of before.

Interesting response. I guess my question is…why do you want to wait for someone, that it appears like you need to ‘sell’ a relationship idea to? I have read a few threads on here recently about men, in particular, wanting one person who isn’t returning the gesture, and their plan to wait on that person, or convince that person, etc…

I am in no way trying to convince her to date me. It’s quite the opposite - I’m trying to determine whether that is what she wants or not. If it is, then yay for me; if not, then I will move on.

I personally would not put my life on hold on ‘what if’s.’ I think that her reply was not discouraging, but not necessarily encouraging.

I think I may be different from the other guys you have read about that are waiting on girls. I use the term a little differently. When I say I plan on waiting for this girl, that does not mean that I am “putting my life on hold.” What I plan on doing is continuing what I am doing now with discerning priesthood and marriage, continue to be open to dating, but I will not date just for the sake of getting to know someone and seeing if it leads somewhere. I have decided that if I decide to wait on her, then I will only date someone else if I have determined that I really would be happier with the new girl in my life and that I am giving up my chances of being with the other girl and will not dump the new one once the old one comes around.

…
back in college, if I liked a guy, and he asked me out, I said yes. If I didn’t like him, I didn’t tell him…‘well, maybe some day I could see us together.’ No. I didn’t date him, and didn’t keep him in the wings. I guess I never liked the thought of a guy waiting on me, if I really didn’t like him ‘like that.’

That would kind of lead me to think that she would not have left me “in the wings” if she didn’t see the potential for something there. Wouldn’t that mean she is interested in a way?

How were things left? Is she willing to explore dating NOW? If she is not willing to explore dating you now, why would you wait on this person?

We don’t want to date while we’re in school, so that wasn’t something we even talked about. I’d be ok with dating other people if she were out of the picture, but she isn’t and I think for the sake of our friendship, we’re going to leave it at that for now.

And I think the “why would you wait on this person?” question is kind of strange. Where’s the reward if there isn’t a struggle involved? I love her enough that I am willing to wait for her.

 

[buckr02]

I would also caution against assuming you know what her comments mean and not taking her on face value. Like, the reply wasn’t what you wanted to hear, so she must have not heard you right, or she must be referring to something else that happened. I think that while it could appear encouraging, I would just ask her out, and see where an actualy relationship might lead. Living in the land of doing, is far better (and healthier for us) than living in the land of…wishing, hoping, and speculating. I hope that things work out, but just be cautious of applying what you think she is thinking to things. If she tells you something straight forward, then just accept it for face value. If she continues to appear like she is vague, or on the fence, I probably would move on. Just my thoughts.

Thanks, that is very sound advice. I will definitely think about that.

 

[buckr02]

When does “waiting for someone” become stalking? This is creepy.

If for some reason you don’t believe in dating right now, and you have found this girl you want to date, then you need to run away. For your sanity. For her piece of mind.

Live your life, let her live hers. If your lives intersect again at a time you can date, ask her.

How is it creepy?

Thanks, but I appreciate her enough that if we don’t end up together, I will value her friendship nonetheless. We’ve been friends for almost five years now, I’m not going to run away from that just because our relationship is leading to one thing or the other.

 

[buckr02]

Don’t set your hopes too high, though…

Don’t worry about that, I keep myself grounded.

I would say good signs rather than bad ones, but this doesn’t mean they’re signs that a relationship is likely to start as a result. I do note she didn’t give you a brush-off but talked to you normally. That’s important no matter where you end up.

That was my reasoning.

I’m not excited with your chances being so big now, because we can’t even really determine what they are, but rather it’s quite exciting to see that there are still women who would actually talk to you normally, not like the manner which is common nowadays.

I was just excited because she didn’t say, “no, that’s never going to happen. I really just want to stay friends”

 

[whatevergirl]

Thanks for taking the time to respond, whatevergirl. You make a lot of good points, but ones that don’t necessarily apply to my situation and ones that I’ve thought of before.

I am in no way trying to convince her to date me. It’s quite the opposite - I’m trying to determine whether that is what she wants or not. If it is, then yay for me; if not, then I will move on.

I think I may be different from the other guys you have read about that are waiting on girls. I use the term a little differently. When I say I plan on waiting for this girl, that does not mean that I am “putting my life on hold.” What I plan on doing is continuing what I am doing now with discerning priesthood and marriage, continue to be open to dating, but I will not date just for the sake of getting to know someone and seeing if it leads somewhere. I have decided that if I decide to wait on her, then I will only date someone else if I have determined that I really would be happier with the new girl in my life and that I am giving up my chances of being with the other girl and will not dump the new one once the old one comes around.

That would kind of lead me to think that she would not have left me “in the wings” if she didn’t see the potential for something there. Wouldn’t that mean she is interested in a way?

We don’t want to date while we’re in school, so that wasn’t something we even talked about. I’d be ok with dating other people if she were out of the picture, but she isn’t and I think for the sake of our friendship, we’re going to leave it at that for now.

And I think the “why would you wait on this person?” question is kind of strange. Where’s the reward if there isn’t a struggle involved? I love her enough that I am willing to wait for her.

Your further explanation helps me to better understand your mindset with this…I think you are doing the wise thing, for whatever my opinion is worth. lol

 

[paxpaixpaz]

As a mom of two children in your age range, i would like to know exactly what the arguing is about that you said you would answer, if someone asked. I would be able to make a more informed decision that way, since i have seen my own children going through similar situations. So let me know what the arguing is about and what you think you needed to change about yourself and after i have read it, i will respond to your posts and others posts

Peace,
Nancy

 

[buckr02]

Ok well there has been an update in my situation and I’m not sure what to make of it. I am hoping someone might be able to shed some light.

Last night, the girl and I went to a prayer group and had a fun time and on the way home got to talking about some things and eventually, the topic of dating in college came up. Now for the last four years, she has been telling me that she isn’t going to date until she is out of school for good. Well apparently (and here, I don’t know if she was previously lying or if she changed her views or whatever), she said that when she said she wasn’t going to date anyone, she meant that she wasn’t going to be in a relationship, but that she will still go on dates. But she also said she will only go on dates if she likes a guy and wants to see if there is potential for them to start a relationship at some point. So to me, this doesn’t make any sense.

If she were to “go on a date” to see if she could be in a relationship with someone, how does it not follow that she wouldn’t also start a relationship if she did like them? Because she said she will not be in a relationship with anyone, because she will not have time with school.

Those are some of my thoughts. I guess I just really feel let down and lied to because I had even told her that I was going to wait for her based on the assumption that she wasn’t going to date anyone until she was out of school. Part of me wants to think that maybe she doesn’t doesn’t want to get into a relationship with me until she’s met other people and is sure that she wants to, but the larger part of me thinks she just doesn’t want to be in a relationship and was maybe using the “not dating until I’m out of college” thing as a way to let me down easy. That part of me wants to just forget her and move on.

So as of right now, I really just want to move on and try to trust in God that if we are meant to be, we will be. But having that trust is so difficult and I feel like I can’t just assume He’s going to do it on His own and that I need to put *some *effort into this if I really want it. I really don’t know what to do. I have so many doubts about keeping up where I want to be in the relationship vs. moving on, I feel like neither is a good option. Ugh!

 

[Harmony1988]

The waiting game kills, you never know whether it’s the right thing. “Does God approve?”, “Maybe I’m called to a religious life”, “What if I blow my chances by asking her now?”, “What if I wait too long and discover she went with someone else?”

yada yada.

I don’t think anyone can offer any truly objective advice rather than have faith and to not compromise your morals.

 

[Mirror_Mirror]

Ok well there has been an update in my situation and I’m not sure what to make of it. I am hoping someone might be able to shed some light.

Last night, the girl and I went to a prayer group and had a fun time and on the way home got to talking about some things and eventually, the topic of dating in college came up. Now for the last four years, she has been telling me that she isn’t going to date until she is out of school for good. Well apparently (and here, I don’t know if she was previously lying or if she changed her views or whatever), she said that when she said she wasn’t going to date anyone, she meant that she wasn’t going to be in a relationship, but that she will still go on dates. But she also said she will only go on dates if she likes a guy and wants to see if there is potential for them to start a relationship at some point. So to me, this doesn’t make any sense.

If she were to “go on a date” to see if she could be in a relationship with someone, how does it not follow that she wouldn’t also start a relationship if she did like them? Because she said she will not be in a relationship with anyone, because she will not have time with school.

Those are some of my thoughts. I guess I just really feel let down and lied to because I had even told her that I was going to wait for her based on the assumption that she wasn’t going to date anyone until she was out of school. Part of me wants to think that maybe she doesn’t doesn’t want to get into a relationship with me until she’s met other people and is sure that she wants to, but the larger part of me thinks she just doesn’t want to be in a relationship and was maybe using the “not dating until I’m out of college” thing as a way to let me down easy. That part of me wants to just forget her and move on.

So as of right now, I really just want to move on and try to trust in God that if we are meant to be, we will be. But having that trust is so difficult and I feel like I can’t just assume He’s going to do it on His own and that I need to put *some *effort into this if I really want it. I really don’t know what to do. I have so many doubts about keeping up where I want to be in the relationship vs. moving on, I feel like neither is a good option. Ugh!

Based upon what I have read, my suggestion to you would be to move on, but still have hope that there could be something here. I am afraid that by holding out hope and “waiting” for her you are holding onto something that may not even exist. You may be right in thinking that she just does not want a relationship with you. For whatever reason that may be. Just a thought.

One way that you can and will find out is by moving on with your life. Don’t waste time holding onto a candle in the wind. You are right to know that the Lord will provide for you. If not this girl, then He has someone else out there in mind for you.

Here is a prayer to help you in during this time:

*O Jesus, lover of the young, the dearest Friend I have, in all confidence I open my heart to You to beg Your light and assistance in the important task of planning my future. Give me the light of Your grace, that I may decide wisely concerning the person who is to be my partner through life. Dearest Jesus, send me such a one whom in Your Divine wisdom You judge best suited to be united with me in marriage. May her/his character reflect some of the traits of Your own Sacred Heart. May he/she be upright, loyal, pure, sincere and noble, so that with united efforts and with pure and unselfish love we both may strive to perfect ourselves in soul and body, as well as the children it may please You to entrust to our care. Bless our friendship before marriage, that sin may have no part in it. May our mutual love bind us so closely, that our future home may ever be most like Your own at Nazareth.
O Mary Immaculate, sweet Mother of the young, to your special care I entrust the decision I am to make as to my future wife/husband. You are my guiding Star! Direct me to the person with whom I can best cooperate in doing God’s Holy Will, with whom I can live in peace, love and harmony in this life, and attain to eternal joys in the next.
Amen. *

Take the time to focus on you and what you want, not on what she wants. If there is someone else out there that would be interested in you, in dating you, in a relationship with you then you should take the time to persue it, atleast give it some consideration.

Good luck!

 

[buckr02]

I think I may need to “move on,” but even with that said, I’m not sure what that entails. I think that if we remain friends, I will always have feelings for her; I can’t imagine moving past that even if I accept that nothing will happen. But I have a real problem with jealousy right now and I don’t know how I would react or could deal with the idea of her even going on a date with someone else. I don’t want to throw our friendship away, so that’s where I’m really having a tough time with what to do. On the one hand, I could stay in the friendship and work on my jealousy issues and always just keep the possibility of having something in the future. On the other hand, I could throw away a 5-year friendship for the sake of moving on and simultaneously throw away any chance of having a relationship in the future.

 

[ABello]

Hi buckr20,

I’ve been reading your thread, and here’s my two cents:

“If she were to “go on a date” to see if she could be in a relationship with someone, how does it not follow that she wouldn’t also start a relationship if she did like them?”

I think it’s possible (and I’m really just guessing) that what she might mean is this: she’s young, and she’s really still “shopping.” Perhaps she intends to date, see what kinds of people are out there, and if she decides that they’re relationship material, she does not intend to get into a serious relationship right away. To me, this is a logical way to approach the situation. Consider that she might go on dates, and if she finds someone of interest will focus on building a strong friendship with them first before moving on to a serious relationship. It’s possible that she’s said all of this, like you’ve noted, to “let you down” softly. However, I think it’s also important to note that she may be being genuine about her intentions.

“I guess I just really feel let down and lied to because I had even told her that I was going to wait for her based on the assumption that she wasn’t going to date anyone until she was out of school.”

Please don’t feel that way! While I don’t know this girl, or much about her, it’s entirely possible that her future may include you, but she just wants to try other things (erm, people) in the meantime. It sounds like the thought of her being with other guys may be causing a hint of jealousy to creep in, and while that can be expected, if you let it consume you, then you’ll spoil your friendship with this girl. If she dates other people, try to be happy for her.

“I have so many doubts about keeping up where I want to be in the relationship vs. moving on, I feel like neither is a good option. Ugh!”

To a certain extent, you can do both. While I’m not suggesting that you date frivolously, you can still see other people as worthwhile potential companions arise, while still keeping the door open to something more with your friend. Keep an open mind and an open heart, and I’m sure you’ll find someone to be happy with.

 

[HappyPerson]

My advice is to lay it all on the line, now. Stop with the wishy washy maybe someday in the future mindset, and ask her for an exclusive relationship, NOW.

Don’t worry that this might end your friendship. While you think you would enjoy being “just friends” with her, in reality, if you had to see her with some other guy, it would likely emotionally destroy you. You see her as a future girlfriend/wife, NOT as “just a friend,” so it is important to be honest with yourself about that.

If she says, “No,” then move on. Don’t initiate any future calls or emails to her. Maybe, she’ll miss you and come running back to you, but don’t count on that or wait for it to happen.

I would interpret her considering dating in college as developing more of a liberal mindset, and if that is the case, college boys may be just out to get her drunk and use her, while you actually care about her as a person. You need to tell her how strongly you feel about her, NOW, so that you either end up as her boyfriend, protecting her from falling victim to the wolves, or she says “no” and if she becomes a victim of the wolves in college, you won’t have to hear about it or know about it, because you will have moved on emotionally.

You’ve known her for five years, and that is more than enough. Make a REAL present tense move, now, with her, or else find someone else who isn’t going to run your heart through the ringer.
That’s my advice.

 

[ABello]

I’m going to have to disagree with HappyPerson, almost entirely. Here goes:

“My advice is to lay it all on the line, now.”
This may be good advice, but not necessarily for the reason stated.

“You see her as a future girlfriend/wife, NOT as “just a friend,” so it is important to be honest with yourself about that.”
Is this honestly true? If this girl is as amazing as you claim she is, she sounds like the kind of person who you’d want to have in your life. Please don’t underestimate friendship. If it comes down to her choosing someone else to be with, can you overcome your jealousy? I know that in the past if my current boyfriend had said “screw her, she wants to be ‘just friends’” and walked out of my life, we wouldn’t have become such good friends, and ultimately, such an amazing couple. I suggest you try and be patient.

“If she says, “No,” then move on. Don’t initiate any future calls or emails to her.”
Ouch. I don’t recommend this. Ultimately, what this is says to me is: “I want it my way or no way at all. I’m selfish.”

“…college boys may be just out to get her drunk and use her.” “…protecting her from falling victim to the wolves”
Oh come on. The key word here is that this MAY happen. She may also decide to have a sex change and join a Las Vegas dance troupe in a transvestite production of “An ode to Carmen Miranda.” My point here, is don’t let HappyPerson’s hypothetical scenario scare you. Contrary to what some people might believe, upstanding Catholic men do go to college too. Her willingness to get to know other people is not necessarily evidence of “developing more of a liberal mindset.”

 

[chevalier]

Don’t wait several years for a girl. You don’t owe it to her and you don’t owe it to yourself either. You’re young. Go and meet people. Women also.

I don’t know what the girl thinks, but if you press it, she will feel pressured. Resentment will grow.