Should I assert myself

[Anglewannabe]

I am a single woman who is unemployed. I pray to God to join my sufferings to the cross with him. It is not easy to be in my situation but I try my hardest to make the best of it.

I have a friend who will often make comments about her kids. The comments are of such a nature where she is concerned they are not taking the right steps to meet a spouse and secure a career. I always feel there is an underlying message that it is undesirable to be a single adult that is not making a lot of money and that reflects on a person’s value as a human being.

Never having kids, as much as I can sympathize all parents want what is best for their child, I can not totally relate since I have never walked in those shoes.

I want to somehow politely tell her that it hurts my feelings because I am starting to think my life is her worse nightmare for her kids. And it hurts to be made to feel I am less than because of the crosses God has sent my way. At the same time, I know how much a woman can be a mama bear when it comes to her kids and don’t want to ruin the friendship.

To the moms and dads, is there a way I can ask for consideration for my feelings? Or should I just secretly suffer. Which I have been doing so far and I am noticing how it is starting to make me passive aggressive

Angie

 

[englishredrose]

You could quietly without blame explain how hurt you are feeling and see what she does with the information.

You then have choices to make about how she responds to that.

If she just shrugs or not know what you are talking about etc, you could at the end of that event, quietly walk away but with the friendship door still open. Or you could carry on being hurt until you explode which may well happen over something so trivial because life it like that.

If she apologises and didn’t mean to hurt you, you could just continue from there.

 

[AnneTeresa]

If you are good friends, it would probably be a good idea to tell her how you feel. I sincerely doubt her comments have any reflection on you, so be sure not to blame her or tell her to change, just tell her how you feel about your current circumstances, probably not even mention it in relation to her comments about her children. Or you could just out and out ask her if she thinks the things you suspect she does.

I think friendships always have this kind of issue when people are in different life stages/circumstances. In fact, this reminds me a little of some of the threads here lately by people being offended when people ask when they are going to have children. We need to work at not taking things personally when they are not personal, but also surely we can state what we feel in a close relationship.

On the other hand, if it’s not a real close relationship, just let it go and work and not doing passive aggressive things. that’s my two cents.

 

[Lorelei12]

Due to your own hardships, you might be reading too much into what she is saying. I am sure that your situation would not be her “worst nightmare” for her kids, and do try to understand her concern for her own children. After all, what parent doesn’t want their child to be able to provide for him or herself? As unfavorable as your situation is, after all, you want the same for yourself.

It really doesn’t sound as though she is trying to be hurtful or that she even is implying what you think she is. Honestly, I think the best way to deal with the situation is to work on the way you react to others’ comments (and I say this as having been unemployed for some time recently) and listen with grace and without making her children’s plight about yourself. That being said, you could try to make her aware of how her comments affect you by talking about your own situation with her- “It is very difficult to find a job these days, even for those of us with experience”, or “it took me a long time to figure out what I wanted to do”, or whatever the case may be.

 

[Anglewannabe]

Well, I do agree because of my situation I probably am more sensitive than the average person. However, I can’t help but think that I am 50% of this friendship and my feelings have got to count at some point.

Yes this woman is a friend but nonetheless, she is self-centered in a lot of ways. I overlook at lot of it since part of friendship is knowing someone’s warts and liking them anyway. However, this is one soft spot I can not overlook. If she was never self centered and only made one comment about her kids marital/career status, I would have chalk it up to me being sensitive due to my situation. However, these comments have happened often enough I think it is time to make her aware of my feelings. Just the other day she told me the good news ‘Joe got a job’. Joe is a mutual acquaintance. I nearly fell off my chair. Did she really expect me to jump up and down out of joy?

No I do not think her comments are intentional. But that is the thing with self-centered people. They never intentionally want to be cruel, but they only think of themselves and can be like a bull in a china shop not knowing how they are affecting others.

I think I will politely tell her I appreciate everything she does for me and then gently point out how I feel. Knowing her she will possibly say sorry and then try and ‘fix it’ Oblivious to how her trying to fix it just hurts even more. But I will pray to be strong and to use the right words. To be honest, I am so fed up with being hurt, at this point, I don’t care if it will cost me the friendship

Angie

 

[Sarcelle]

Well, I do agree because of my situation I probably am more sensitive than the average person. However, I can’t help but think that I am 50% of this friendship and my feelings have got to count at some point.

Yes this woman is a friend but nonetheless, she is self-centered in a lot of ways. I overlook at lot of it since part of friendship is knowing someone’s warts and liking them anyway. However, this is one soft spot I can not overlook. If she was never self centered and only made one comment about her kids marital/career status, I would have chalk it up to me being sensitive due to my situation. However, these comments have happened often enough I think it is time to make her aware of my feelings. Just the other day she told me the good news ‘Joe got a job’. Joe is a mutual acquaintance. I nearly fell off my chair. Did she really expect me to jump up and down out of joy?

No I do not think her comments are intentional. But that is the thing with self-centered people. They never intentionally want to be cruel, but they only think of themselves and can be like a bull in a china shop not knowing how they are affecting others.

I think I will politely tell her I appreciate everything she does for me and then gently point out how I feel. Knowing her she will possibly say sorry and then try and ‘fix it’ Oblivious to how her trying to fix it just hurts even more. But I will pray to be strong and to use the right words. To be honest, I am so fed up with being hurt, at this point, I don’t care if it will cost me the friendship

Angie

I am of two minds about this.

I can either sit and be silent or I can be direct and blunt. The next time she goes on about her kids and them being able to marry well and have a career, I would ask “So you don’t want them to be like me, is that right?”

She could a either a) backpedal and make some adjustments or b) agree with you.

If she picks b, than tell yourself that it’s her problem not yours and it’s time to move on. If she picks a) then she has the grace to know what she did and you can forgive her. However if I were you, I’d pray for the grace to forgive her no matter what and to tell yourself that your worth as a human being is not based on what she tells you but is rooted in God Himself which no one, I mean no one, can take away or demean.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I am of two minds about this.

I can either sit and be silent or I can be direct and blunt. The next time she goes on about her kids and them being able to marry well and have a career, I would ask “So you don’t want them to be like me, is that right?”

She could a either a) backpedal and make some adjustments or b) agree with you.

If she picks b, than tell yourself that it’s her problem not yours and it’s time to move on. If she picks a) then she has the grace to know what she did and you can forgive her. However if I were you, I’d pray for the grace to forgive her no matter what and to tell yourself that your worth as a human being is not based on what she tells you but is rooted in God Himself which no one, I mean no one, can take away or demean.

I did say something similar and she did a mix of a and b. She said something to the effect that what I did was my business but not what she wanted her kids.

The problem is in large groups with everyone talking, there is no place for honest communication. People interrupt with their 2 cents and we probably both concern about looking good in front of others as oppose to honest communication.

I think I will next time ask her for a private chat and explain that I do have feelings and she disregards them. I don’t think she will EVER understand why these things hurt me but I will hopefully be able to set a boundary. If she can accept the boundary, that will be good enough for me. The truth is she is so busy and self-centered she does not have time to think of others and would not put in the effort to see things my way. Again, as long as she respects the boundary I can live with that

Anige