Should I attend my sister's second marriage?

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Yup, Jesus ate and drank with sinners. The OP is not saying she won’t have lunch with her sister -

Remember the woman at the well? Jesus spoke to her kindly, Jesus spoke to the woman taken in adultrey with love. Jesus did not encourage them to continue sinning or go to invalid weddings.
 
My sister recently got married to her second husband by the justice. I did not attend. Let me explain how I feel. I believe that we are all God’s children. God set the rules for us to play by and we need to follow them. Now if one of my children were about to do something wrong I would hope all of them wouldn’t follow. I was taught that first defend truth and then walk away. Don’t be any part of the disobedience. I teach and expect that from my children and I am their role model.

I had the blessing of two parents who also took the stand. They did so before I had to. My father set her fiance’ down and explained that in all fairness to the fiance’ my sister had unfinished business to take care of. We all agree that we believe that her first husband was not the person we feel God intended for her, but that we had to do the right thing and submit to the Church. If my sister wasn’t going to do that then she must have some feelings for the first husband that she needs to deal with and to merry would not be fair to the second. My Dad said he loved my sister so much that he would want for her the highest and best honor for her…HEAVEN. He hoped that any husband would also want that for his wife.

My sister called me to complain about my Dad and I said I stand behind my Mom and Dad 100% and that I love her more than she could understand. She did not invite my parents or myself to the wedding. She has barely spoken to any of us. We are allowed only enough contact to keep the relationship with her children going. I am sad, but on judgement day I can’t drag my sister with me and I am not going to go to hell for anyone, not even my sister.
I will pray for you and your family.
 
Patty -

I was in a similar situation to Gabriel’s with my own brother three years ago. His fiance was previously married in a Protestant ceremony and even though they knew that they needed an annulment in order to be married in the Catholic Church, they chose an unrealistic wedding date while trying to get the annulment processed. As the date drew nearer, he and his fiance decided they would get married in her church if the annulment was not complete. My brother has always been my best friend, and I felt very angry and betrayed by this selfish act.

I made it clear to everyone involved that I did not agree with what they were doing and that I wouldn’t be attending the service. This issue pulled my family apart, with half of us refusing to attend while the other half scolded us for being overzealous. I went through several sleepless nights of prayer and consulted many of the priests I have known throughout my life for guidance. Of the four very conservative Catholic leaders(three priests and a bishop) I asked about this issue, none of them agreed with my decision to boycott the wedding.

Although they each had a unique way of putting it, the gist of the argument was this: I had already made it clear to everyone there that I did not approve of what my brother was doing, but refusing to attend the service would mean the death of our relationship. I have an obligation to be there for him, even if it makes me uncomfortable, because I can’t give up on him. I may be his last chance for salvation, especially if his new Protestant in-laws want to capitalize on his anger towards the Church and pressue him to convert. :mad:

My parents and my sister all contacted their local priests and received the same response, which is why I strongly encourage you to speak with your personal confessor about this. It’s hard to know if you’re making the right choices when you’re so emotionally tied to the situation, and you need to gain an outside perspective. You may receive different advice depending on the relationship with your sister(maybe it will survive?), but in our case we all knew that if we didn’t attend my brother’s wedding all communication with him would cease.😦

The wedding was very difficult, but we all attended and got through it as a family. I cried tears of sadness, real despair at that wedding, and I felt as though I was losing my brother -my best friend- for all eternity. I’m tearing up right now just remembering that horrible day. Our attendance at the wedding was actually much better for everyone involved, because they could clearly see the sadness and pain we felt. They won’t see how much their actions really hurt you if you stay at home, you have to be there, it’s hard, but I thank God every day that I was there! :gopray2:

Don’t get me wrong, we didn’t try to ruin their wedding, we just simply couldn’t conceal our deep sadness. I wanted to be strong and put on a happy face, but I just couldn’t do it - in a spiritual sense I was attending my brother’s funeral.

The weeks and months went by and eventually I was able to talk to my brother without that sick feeling in my stomach. After a while he began to confide in me about how awful he felt about putting our family through all that pain. After a while we opened a dialogue about Catholicism, and he told me that they were working with their local priest to “make things right”. I went to visit them a few months after their wedding and we all went to mass together(they didn’t receive communion, of course). My brother and his wife introduced me to their priest and I learned that they were working to have their marriage recognized by the Catholic Church! I’m not aware of all the details(it’s a lengthy process, eventually involving another ceremony), but the priest reassured me that they were committed to making things right.

continued
 
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Earlier this summer my wife and I stayed with my brother and his wife for a weekend. We all went to mass together, and I was overjoyed to see that my brother received communion from the same priest I met years ago! After mass he told us that the process was complete and that he was sorry for all the pain he had caused us. My brother and his wife are now very active members of their parish, and this whole experience has brought him closer to God! My sister-in-law has not converted yet, but I really believe she will someday! If I had not attended their wedding I would have lost my brother forever, and I thank God every day that he sent me the guidance I needed(along with the humility to accept it).

I’m sorry for such a long post, but I’d hate for you to risk losing your sister forever like I almost lost my brother! Yes, she is the one that’s choosing to go against God and everything you believe in, but God does not abandon us - even when we commit sins that hurt Him. Her actions are hurting you, and attending her wedding will break your heart, but it is through your suffering and love that the Holy Spirit can enter her heart and reveal to her the damage she is doing. Christ redeemed us, not by righteousness or the sword, but beaten, bloody and nailed to a cross. His sacrifice opened the gates of Heaven and gave all of us a chance for salvation. He knowingly delivered Himself into the hands of those who would hurt Him and eventually kill Him, all so that we could spend eternity with Him. Your sister’s salvation is hanging by a thread, and she needs you now more than ever - even if she doesn’t realize it! Please, be like Christ and take up your cross to save your sister’s soul!

God bless you in this difficult time,

-RJ
 
Well, I would go. You can not be a good witness to someone who doesn’t speak to you. Maybe you are the one who needs to bring a lost sheep back to the flock, and it may take time and patience, but I think it will be that much harder to do if you make a stand now. I would not be a witness at the wedding, and I would tell my sister that I want to be the witness when the wedding is blessed by a priest.
I wouldn’t worry about any future husbands or weddings, why invite trouble?
 
I really think it matters what type a person you are dealing with. My sister is the type that wants what she wants and doesn’t really give other peoples feelings much thought. If I would have shown up at her wedding as she wanted, she would have cared less how I felt or how sad it was to see. She would have gotten what she wanted and she would have been pleased with herself. I really didn’t have to make that decision because she didn’t invite me. I didn’t agree with her from the start and she decided to not invite me or our parents. She has this attitude that she is getting even with us. She will still shows up at Mass and recieves communion. She says she doesn’t believe in that part of Church doctorine. She says she will take communion if she wants to because she doesn’t think she is doing anything wrong. You have to stand very firm with her or she will run you over or run you down whichever comes first. I also spoke with my spiritual advisor and to priests from EWTN. They said I shouldn’t go. It would have been easier to attend the wedding so my sister would be nice to all of us, but it wouldn’t have been right. My sister would not have gotten the message had we shown up. Not all people are like her.
 
Pardon my overly lawyerly approach, but I still have not heard that they are definately getting married without an annulment, so I’ll just go with posiible scenarios:
  1. They get their annulments prior to marriage: In which case, assuming they can contract a valid marriage, one should attend no matter if one thinks the fiance is a evil jerk, or that one thinks the marriage has no chance.
  2. They don’t get the annulments. No go. I read an impassioned plea about witnessing and not wrecking the relationship, but that may be the price. Attending an invalid marriage equals unacceptable cooperation with wrongdoing (As far as I know, it’s formal cooperation*, *I’ll let the more knowledgeable tackle that.)
 
Chabula’s, I admire your decision. I think it is the right one. Doing the right thing often costs a great deal. But the reward is a clear conscience before God. The cost is a public one (your sister may base her acceptance of you on whether you accept her lifestyle) but the reward is unseen, between you and God.

I have a longtime friend from growing up, a friendship I have cherished, and we have kept in touch all through the years. But in recent years she decided she was gay, and has persued that lifestyle with the same concerted energy she applies to everything else. I have made it abundantly clear I still love and accept her, but in our only, brief converstaion about being gay, I revealed that I accept the teaching of the Church, and that she is called like the rest of us to live a chaste life. It has really saddened me that she has all but disappeared from my life as a result. I guess its a matter of, “Love me, love my choices.” If thats how she is I can do nothing about it. Its not how I am.
 
Scottgun said:
  1. They don’t get the annulments. No go. I read an impassioned plea about witnessing and not wrecking the relationship, but that may be the price. Attending an invalid marriage equals unacceptable cooperation with wrongdoing (As far as I know, it’s formal cooperation*, *I’ll let the more knowledgeable tackle that.)
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I would have to agree.
 
chabula said:
Pride? Good question. I’ll think about that. In the meantime, I’m refusing to go because it is adultery and how do I justify that by going to the wedding and explaining this to my children. I do not want to expose them to this.

Here’s a question for you who suggest I go? Let’s say, this marriage will fail as well. She eventually remarries a third time? A fourth? Don’t laugh, it happens. Would you go each time, because she is happy? Would you ever draw the line about attending one of the marriages? If yes, then you have a limitation as well. My limitation is at a different level.

If your friend wanted to steal to be happy? Would you encourage him by attending the event, i.e. taking photos, congratulating, cheering him on?

If your friend watched pornography to make himself happy, would you encourage that by joining in?

If your friend broke any of the other ten commandments to find happiness, would you support them by being with them when the sin occurred?

A sin is a sin is a sin… I cannot allow myself to bare witness to it if I have the choice. With my little children involved, that raises the stakes even higher. My husband and I are responsible for the development of their souls and I take that resposibility very seriously. (Knowing full well that some day they will grow up and have to decide on their own, in the meantime, I plan on helping them shape their consciences.)

Patty
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Patty - I’m proud of you for this. You know what’s right, for all the right reasons, and you are not afraid to stand up for what you believe in. It is a hard choice, and no one here would disagree with that, but you are showing your sister and your family what living an example is all about.

You will be in my prayers - you are doing the right thing!!

~Liza
 
For Scottgun,
I’m sorry. Neither have an annulment. They plan on initiating the paperwork.
 
For the lovely person who asked me to contemplate if this is about pride. What an awesome question! I’ve been talking this whole things through my head for a week now. Praying the entire time. Having quite the conversations with God.

I truly believe that He is working through all of you. I thank God for leading me here to this forum.

Now, for my answer. It truly isn’t pride. Many years ago I was a “practicing Catholic” - I tried very hard to convince myself of this - and in this time frame, I used nothing but self-justification when it came to fitting my faith into my life. I ended up losing my soul.

I have worked my way back slowly and through the right steps, falling down rather often, but hitting the confessional often as well. I truly believe that if my life would have ended back then, I would be in hell now. All because of self-justification.

Since then, especially since I married my awesome, faith-loving husband, I actually judge myself more then anyone else, and still I do not judge myself enough.

I am a survivor of self-justification and it breaks my heart to see family members use self-justification and hide behind the cloak of judgement. Does that mean that I am not guilty of judgeing? I wish I could say I do not judge, but I do.

Out of love, I do not want any of my brothers or sisters to take the wrong path in life. I did, and I know where I almost ended up. It is out of my own experience, my love and whole belief in the Catholic Church that I take my stand where I do.

This groups has taught me even more then what I intended to gain from it. I have learned humility and I thank you for that.

I have learned even more about compassion. As I try to understand my family and my sister, I continue to strive to have compassion for them in figuring out where exactly they are coming from.

In all of this, I still do not agree with their way of thinking and I never will. And with all of this, I still do not know if I will attend or not.

I do know, that my husband supports me in my decision. He said I’ve already done the hard work. He will not attend. His decision is his own.

We decide for our children, not my family, and neither will they be attending. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I continue to contemplate this mess.

Patty
 
chabula said:
I do know, that my husband supports me in my decision. He said I’ve already done the hard work. He will not attend. His decision is his own.

We decide for our children, not my family, and neither will they be attending. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I continue to contemplate this mess.

Patty
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Ok, I think there you got the answer. You and your husband should be one, therefore, if he is already supporting you on your decision and he himself will not be attending, I think that you should do the same. If your sister and whoever else does not want to talk to you, then that will be their problem. You are not doing wrong in not attending.

Funny how some people can make you feel so guilty of things that you have not even meant to do wrong? Specially those who are doing wrong without any doubt?
 
By the way, make it clear to them that you love your sister and that she should not be upset at you for not attending.

If she or anyone else still gets upset, then, for sure, it is her/their problem.

I think, this is where the true “pride” would kick in. That is, after the fact. If she becomes upset because you did not attend and stops talking to you, then this will be the perfect time to proof to yourself that you don’t have false pride. You should still continue to get to talk to her, even if she is upset. You can tell her that until she does it right (i.e., like God intends to) you will be more than glad to be part of everything dealing with her wedding.

Just another 2 cents here from me to you 😛
 
I just remembered I had a similar situation to this. When my DH and I were about to get married, his 4 sisters (specially 2 that are married) were all enthused to be part of our wedding.

Being hispanic and the wedding traditions that come with it, they wanted to be part of our wedding by being padrinos (i.e., Godparents) of lasso, arras, rings, etc…

There was a problem, though, they were married, but not through the church. We told them that we would be greatly honored for them to be part of our wedding by being padrinos, however, we asked of them to get married through the church and that we did not mind if they wanted to get married the same day that we did (share the ceremony). They understood, even though at the time we were telling me I felt like nauseated wondering how they would take it.

We ended up getting other people to be our padrinos. His sisters and their DH have not gotten married through the church yet…🤷
 
KCT said:
I have mixed opinions on the issue, but it does seem as if the relative choosing not to attend is generally made out to be the bad guy.

What kind of sister would expect you to compromise your convictions? —KCT
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one that has moved far from God.:o
 
If you really feel convicted to not attend–don’t attend. She will need to accept your decision. I have often noticed that immorality wants an audience…why do people have to force their lifestyle on others?? If she wants to get married–you can’t stop it, but you don’t need to attend. Following Christ isn’t easy…if you don’t go, there will be natural consequences…so you will need to weigh all of that out.

I will pray for your sister and this situation!!:hug1:
 
chabula said:
Hi, I have a very serious dilema and was hoping to share it with you. My sister has recently became engaged to a man she has only known for four months. They both have been married in the Catholic Church and have seven children between them. I thought they would wait at least a year and found out just a few days ago that they are not only moving in together (please pray for the children!), but are planning on a Nov. wedding. I wasn’t given the option of not being present. It was assumed that I would be there.

I told her fiancee, in person, that it pains me considerablly to have to make a decision, but I cannot compromise my faith nor the faith witness as a parent and be present at this second marriage. It was one of the hardest decisions that I ever had to make. My husband and I both planned on meeting with her and her fiancee over the next year to speak with them about the matter, but because of the quick wedding date, I was forced to have to speak up earlier since I was going to be in town for a visit. We were at a nephew’s party, and not wanting to ruin his party, I pulled the fiancee over to speak with him. He seemed to understand and thought it was smart of me to speak with him first.

I heard from another sister today, and it wasn’t pleasant. I held my tongue and took the berating. The only thing that I said in my defense was that I must be the only one in the family with an informed conscience. (I am one of nine children). From the discussion, I am the only one not attending. My mother, a widow, doesn’t know yet.

Any advice? Any one been there before?

Thanks,
Patty
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If I were you, I would ask your sister and her significant other if they would look into getting their first marriages annulled. Annulments do not make the children illegitimate, as some people think. Moving in together should be out of the question, Even in the secular society. Because Hollywood has made it acceptable for people to hop in and out of bed with each other doesn’t mean that it is. I would go to the wedding without being a part of it. You must keep open communication and not cause a rift in the family. Even after they get married by the Justice of the Peace, you can keep urging them to have their first marriages annulled. Perhaps they could get an appointment with the Bishop of the Diocese for more informed council.

Take care and God Bless

Annie
 
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