Should I attend my son's wedding?

[vern_humphrey]

How is not attending this event “abandonment”??? It is living the proper example and giving a clear message of where you stand on the issue. That’s all. No where did I ever suggest or even hint at abandonment and totally giving up on him. To the contrary - living the good example and staying in his life is exactly what one would WANT to do! But validation of this event is NOT the way to do that.

~Liza

It is a step toward an irreparable breach.

Having refused to attend the wedding, how can a parent just drop in for coffee, or invite the couple over for Sunday dinner? How can any normal child-parent relations be conducted after such a deliberate act?

 

[lizaanne]

There can be no “normal” relations until the son fixes his living situation. In the mean time - mom needs to make it perfectly clear that she loves her son but does not and will not condone his current situation.

Do you honestly think that she’s going to have a chummy dinner with her “daughter-in-law”, knowing that another man is living with them??!!

There is nothing “normal” about this situation at all. And going to this event is not going to normalize it no matter how warm and fuzzy it may make people feel.

~Liza

 

[Linnyo]

I can’t believe a mother would even question whether or not to go to a son’s wedding. Do you love him? Do you want him to know you love him? I think you should explain to him that you would prefer him to marry in the church but you will attend his wedding because you love him. If you do not go to the wedding you could damage your relationship with him irrepairably. Worse than that, you could help him to totally close his mind to the church. Many people leave the church top return to it later in life. Although this is wrong, it is a strong possibility. However, if his experience of the church is that it’s members are harsh and judgemental then is he going to want to return? He is an adult. He may make mistakes but the decisions are his and only he can make up his mind.

 

[vern_humphrey]

There can be no “normal” relations until the son fixes his living situation. In the mean time - mom needs to make it perfectly clear that she loves her son but does not and will not condone his current situation.

First of all, that’s** the** great mistake in interpersonal relations, to say nothing will improve until the other guy does something. We cannot control the behavior of others – we can only control our own behavior. If we set a spiteful, feet-set-in-concrete example, what sort of response can we expect?

Secondly, how do we make it “perfectly clear” we love someone by slighting them, spurning them, and cuttig off communication?

Third, by such a public spurning, we make reconciliation all the more difficult.

Do you honestly think that she’s going to have a chummy dinner with her “daughter-in-law”, knowing that another man is living with them??!!

Why not? Hate the sin, love the sinner.

There is nothing “normal” about this situation at all. And going to this event is not going to normalize it no matter how warm and fuzzy it may make people feel.

~Liza

And staying away from this event is not going to normalize it, either, no matter how warm and fuzzy it may make people feel.

 

[lizaanne]

I can’t believe a mother would even question whether or not to go to a son’s wedding. Do you love him? Do you want him to know you love him? I think you should explain to him that you would prefer him to marry in the church but you will attend his wedding because you love him. If you do not go to the wedding you could damage your relationship with him irrepairably. Worse than that, you could help him to totally close his mind to the church. Many people leave the church top return to it later in life. Although this is wrong, it is a strong possibility. However, if his experience of the church is that it’s members are harsh and judgemental then is he going to want to return? He is an adult. He may make mistakes but the decisions are his and only he can make up his mind.

Did you read her OP? Do you realize that this man and his girlfriend have another man living with them who “participates” with them? This is more than just the typical non-Catholic wedding issue. This is a man choosing to live in an openly sexual arrangement with two people.

Sorry - validation of this situation is not doing him any favors with regard to the state of his eternal soul. I say stay away from this event and make him understand very clearly why. He’s obviously not getting the point.

~Liza

 

[vern_humphrey]

I can’t believe a mother would even question whether or not to go to a son’s wedding. Do you love him? Do you want him to know you love him? I think you should explain to him that you would prefer him to marry in the church but you will attend his wedding because you love him. If you do not go to the wedding you could damage your relationship with him irrepairably. Worse than that, you could help him to totally close his mind to the church. Many people leave the church top return to it later in life. Although this is wrong, it is a strong possibility. However, if his experience of the church is that it’s members are harsh and judgemental then is he going to want to return? He is an adult. He may make mistakes but the decisions are his and only he can make up his mind.

Amen!

I wish I could have said it that clearly.

The answer to situations like this is love and prayer. The answer is not spurning, publicly insulting, and turning away.

 

[NewUlm1976_2000]

Go, for your family bond. It would be even worse if you did not go and lost contact with him forever. As long as there is some contact, there is some hope for family reconciliation.

 

[vern_humphrey]

Go, for your family bond. It would be even worse if you did not go and lost contact with him forever. As long as there is some contact, there is some hope for family reconciliation.

Our children are gifts to us from God. We cannot abandon them, not ever.

Love and prayer can heal any sickenss of the heart – bitterness and estrangement never can.

 

[Linnyo]

You don’t know that and neither do I but it is not our place to make judgements. You asked the OP to clarify and as yet she hasn’t so we must not jump to conclusions. In any case I would still stand by my post. For all we know the son may be in a ‘student flat-share’ and they have not yet moved to separate places.

Did you read her OP? Do you realize that this man and his girlfriend have another man living with them who “participates” with them? This is more than just the typical non-Catholic wedding issue. This is a man choosing to live in an openly sexual arrangement with two people.

Sorry - validation of this situation is not doing him any favors with regard to the state of his eternal soul. I say stay away from this event and make him understand very clearly why. He’s obviously not getting the point.

~Liza

 

[PatienceAndLove]

As the a child who lived a life that was not condoned by my parents, and who vocalized their condemnation, I am most grateful that they were staunch on making sure I knew how they felt.
God knows that was the main reason my eyes were finally opened.

No, do not attend. My parents made it quite clear that if I married the man I was living in sin with, they would not attend it. That made me rethink the situation more than once.
They stayed involved in my life, but the man I was with was not welcomed.

NO NOT GO. Let him know why. Stay involved with his life, but not the daughter-in-law and the friend. Make it known that you do not condone the relationship, and the daughter-in-law and the friend are not welcome in your home, nor will you visit theirs. You must stay firm and love him, but hate his sin. Make your hatred of his sin known.
Trust me, parental disapproval does a lot.

 

[Daniel_Kane]

Many orthodox thinkers suggest skipping the wedding and attending the reception. In this manner, a relationship is preserved yet the parents were not obligated to participate in sham wedding.

 

[kage_ar]

Part of raising our Children in the Faith is teaching those children about morality as well as the Church’s laws on marriage.

If any of you come up to my son and ask him if his mom will attend an invalid wedding should he choose such - he will answer promptly NO. He has been taught what his duty as a Catholic is.

Sit down lovingly and tell your son, "I want to explain to you the Church’s stand on Marriage and on Morality. " “You ask that I respect you, I in turn ask you to respect my beliefs. Do not ask me to be a witness to something I find immoral.” Let your son know you love him, and that you love God more.

Maybe, just maybe, you will change his mind.

 

[lizaanne]

Many orthodox thinkers suggest skipping the wedding and attending the reception. In this manner, a relationship is preserved yet the parents were not obligated to participate in sham wedding.

I do not see this as a happy medium. Quite the opposite actually - it shows that it is ok to party and celebrate the “union”, and that there was only a problem with the ceremony. Nope - this doesn’t cut it in my book.

kage_ar and PatienceAndLove have made very wonderful comments that make so much sense. We can love our children, but we do not ever ever want to condone their sin.

It is a parent’s obligation.

~Liza

 

[PatienceAndLove]

kage_ar and PatienceAndLove have made very wonderful comments that make so much sense. We can love our children, but we do not ever ever want to condone their sin.

It is a parent’s obligation.

~Liza

What I said doesn’t come off as judgmental or mean, does it? I wasn’t trying to be… I just get very upset when parents don’t step up to the plate and be “harsh” (is there a better term for what I am thinking?), if the situation warrants it.
And I am not at all saying anything about the OP or people who have responded to the thread. That is a general statement regarding parents. I know I don’t always step up to the plate as I need to.

 

[adrift]

You cannot abandon a child. As a mother or father, you have a life-long committment and you cannot walk away from it.

Always be there for your children, no matter what. Who knows what the future will bring, how their hearts may change? You want to be there when that happens

Not condoning what they do is not abandoning them. Not showing them the right way is abandonment of their soul.

An example of not abandoning but leading your Child

could never condone my child living in a state of sin. As much as I might love them, I love their immortal soul even more, and to condone and validate an activity which results in the state of mortal sin, would be (in my mind) sinful itself.

I know this is not a popular stance, but I just feel very strongly that validation of the lifestyle (how can you appear as mother of the groom and NOT be seen as validating) is not doing him any favors.

You are not saying you have turned your back on him - you are saying that you do not support, agree with, or condone his lifestyle choice. Just because you do not show up at this event does not mean you have left him. Only that you are trying to live the example that EVERY parent should live for their children.

I wish you the best with this. I’m sure it won’t be easy, regardless which direction you choose to take.

This should be paid attention to.

Welcome to the slippery slope.

“you don’t want to cut ties with him”
“You don’t want to be out of his life!”
“What about when grandchildren come?”

So, you sign on to be a passive witness to every depravity.

Now, they want to come visit and all share a bedroom. What do you do? You don’t want to be “out of his life”, do you? So you let them do whatever they do in your house.

Now, they need some money, they ask you for a loan. You don’t want to be “out of his life” so now you’re paying for them to live like this.

Now they join a new-age spiritualist group. They want you to come to a baby-dedication-ceremony, where they ask Gaia to bless their child. Well, you don’t want be “out of his life”…

Instead, consider that you’re not doing his soul any good by being a mute witness to his sins. You may be actually doing good by standing up to it, clearly articulating your objection, and then praying mightily for him.

Only you can make a decision. Don’t try to influence your daughter. Above all PRAY!

 

[lizaanne]

What I said doesn’t come off as judgmental or mean, does it? I wasn’t trying to be… I just get very upset when parents don’t step up to the plate and be “harsh” (is there a better term for what I am thinking?), if the situation warrants it.
And I am not at all saying anything about the OP or people who have responded to the thread. That is a general statement regarding parents. I know I don’t always step up to the plate as I need to.

Absolutely not! I think you made your point very well, and from a very personal and relevant position. I did not see anything mean at all in your post.

~Liza

 

[Linnyo]

I think it is important that parents show their children the correct moral way to live but it is also important that parents recognise that their children will grow up and make right or wron decisions on their own. Whilst we do not always agree with their decisions, we still need to remain civilised and friends. If my mum didn’t attend my wedding, i can tell you for sure, I would not remain as close to her. But my mum loves me and would never do that to me. Yes she would have told me if I was doing something she thought was wrong and then she would have been there for me if I needed her. Incidentally, to get me to do what they thoguht was right all my dad needded to say was 'i am verydisappointed in you but… ’ and I would have done exactly the right thing.

 

[vern_humphrey]

I think it is important that parents show their children the correct moral way to live but it is also important that parents recognise that their children will grow up and make right or wron decisions on their own. Whilst we do not always agree with their decisions, we still need to remain civilised and friends. If my mum didn’t attend my wedding, i can tell you for sure, I would not remain as close to her. But my mum loves me and would never do that to me. Yes she would have told me if I was doing something she thought was wrong and then she would have been there for me if I needed her. Incidentally, to get me to do what they thoguht was right all my dad needded to say was 'i am verydisappointed in you but… ’ and I would have done exactly the right thing.

To arrive at the point where you can say to a child, "I am very disappointed in you . . . " and affect the child’s behavior should be the goal of every parent. But you don’t reach that point with rancor and public insults.

Some say the OP should “teach” or “show” the child the right way. Let me point out that as this issue has been presented, the teaching or showing should have occurred long ago – before the situation ever reached this point. The parents are now playing catch-up – they must find a way to reach the child before they can influence him. They won’t do that by publicly repudiating him.

 

[Linnyo]

I totally agree!

To arrive at the point where you can say to a child, "I am very disappointed in you . . . " and affect the child’s behavior should be the goal of every parent. But you don’t reach that point with rancor and public insults.

Some say the OP should “teach” or “show” the child the right way. Let me point out that as this issue has been presented, the teaching or showing should have occurred long ago – before the situation ever reached this point. The parents are now playing catch-up – they must find a way to reach the child before they can influence him. They won’t do that by publicly repudiating him.

 

[RWMorris]

As a mother and strong orthodox Catholic, I could not countenance attending my child’s wedding under these circumstances. I would explain lovingly why. Hopefully the lines of communication are open to where the OP could explain this in person. If not, then I would explain it in a letter, reiterating how much I love my child but explaining that I could not attend a wedding that has a third party involved. The wedding is a charade.
Just my two cents.