Should I attend my son's wedding?

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Who said anything about “shunning”? A wedding is a one day event. Simply because a person does not go to a wedding does not mean that one person is tossed out of another’s life forever. I don’t understand how this turns into an all or nothing situation.

As for the example of the Prodigal Son … I’m sure the father would have counseled his son on the dangers of the situation that he was in. Would he have gone to the son’s wedding, even if he knew the best man may be in bed with the bride that very night? Why would the son even ask his father to be a party to that?
 
I am not saying shun the son. I am saying shun the relationship. Make established rules regarding the DIL and the friend.
:twocents: She should tell the son he is welcome at her home, but she is not attending the wedding, and the DIL and friend are not welcome in her home and she will not visit them at theirs.
 
otjm said:
And one case contrary to the large majority never disproves the large majority. It is good that you woke up. Please do not assume that it will work on the next person.

There are children who have been physically grossly abused who have turned out fine; that is not a defense of gross abuse, either.

Cutting someone off because they have violated the moral law can fill the person doing the cutting off with great feelings of self-justification. The evidence of its effectiveness makes it hazardous under the best circumstances.
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What is the large majority that has been proven?
No one was talking about shunning anyway.
I don’t know of any study either way but when society frowned on (shunning?) shaking up it wasn’t done as much. I believe that if a study would be conducted the result would be opposite. than what you assert.
 
Jimbo2 said:
Welcome to the slippery slope.

“you don’t want to cut ties with him”
“You don’t want to be out of his life!”
“What about when grandchildren come?”

So, you sign on to be a passive witness to every depravity.

Now, they want to come visit and all share a bedroom. What do you do? You don’t want to be “out of his life”, do you? So you let them do whatever they do in your house.

Now, they need some money, they ask you for a loan. You don’t want to be “out of his life” so now you’re paying for them to live like this.

Now they join a new-age spiritualist group. They want you to come to a baby-dedication-ceremony, where they ask Gaia to bless their child. Well, you don’t want be “out of his life”…

Instead, consider that you’re not doing his soul any good by being a mute witness to his sins. You may be actually doing good by standing up to it, clearly articulating your objection, and then praying mightily for him.
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Jimbo - Thank you for saying what I was thinking. Abraham honored and loved God first and was willing to give his only son at God’s request. A parent who, out of love for his son, attends a wedding that is outside of the Catholic teaching, and a sin against God, is loving his son more than God.
 
PatienceAndLove said:
I am not saying shun the son. I am saying shun the relationship. Make established rules regarding the DIL and the friend.
:twocents: She should tell the son he is welcome at her home, but she is not attending the wedding, and the DIL and friend are not welcome in her home and she will not visit them at theirs.
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Agreed. And stay away from the wedding after explaining to him why you are uanble to attend. You are not shutting down your relationship with your son, just honoring your responsibility as a parent to teach your faith to someone who is lost.
 
Well I guess in the same vein, if you do show up doesn’t mean you condone it.
 
tmw said:
Agreed. And stay away from the wedding after explaining to him why you are uanble to attend. You are not shutting down your relationship with your son, just honoring your responsibility as a parent to teach your faith to someone who is lost.
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Yes, thank you. Sometimes I am not quite as eloquent as I wish I was.
 
Certainly you can skip the wedding or go to it. The most important thing is to try to negotiate between not showing approval, but at the same time helping to guide. With the given strong will and that he is upset at the daughter not going to the wedding, you’ll have to carefully plan out what you choose to do. Keep the emotion out as much as possible, and clearly take a stand on what is wrong and what is not an issue.

The marriage may be a charade, but in his opinion it is not. They are actually trying to be married, even if it might be a poor and misguided attempt. It is not as if children who play house, are actually outside playing jump rope. They might actually be acting seriously as if it is a house. If their marriage is a charade, they will probably need coaching and guidance. If you do at least keep some communication lines and some trust, you probably will have the ear of your son. You might also need to try to attempt to not make the relationship you vs. your daughter in law or else you’ll lose your influence. If anything, I am sure the marriage would have to be annuled. If anything, I’d think your best path is to try to bring both your son and your daughter in law in line to make it a Catholic marriage, even if it will take some time. If he is misguided, given the Church is universal, so she is too, unless she is more of a demon and beyond saving, which I doubt.

The best thing to do, is to figure out what exactly is wrong. Take your stand on that. Do not look hesitant on it, or else you’ll compromise your position in their eyes. Live your life to show the joys and the peace that comes with being a Catholic. Someone who can be at peace during the storms, and still yet seem to live in the world carry a powerful influence. Pray. Do not rely on yourself, but the Holy Spirit, who can actually change hearts.
 
Just because the mom of the bride or groom participates, it does not mean they approve. I think that’s our assumption.

I’ve been to lots of weddings. I can’t believe that every parent of every bride and groom approved of the spouse, living situation or whatever. There is no way we can know that.

Make clear to the bride and groom before the wedding that you do not approve. Make clear that you are going because you’re the mom and you still love them, even though you don’t approve. What the congregation assumes is up to them. —KCT
 
Love the internet. Brings out every possible mush-headed notion.

My basic objection to forums like this even existing is that it has the high-falootin’ title of “Moral theology”. I think people could accidentally get the idea that what goes on in here is “Catholic moral theology”. It’s not. You get that directly from the Church, not from hordes of ignorant but opinionated lay-people.

Above, a poster disagreed with the idea of going to the Church for guidance. Danger, Will Robinson. Anyone who tries to keep you away from the Church for moral guidance does not have your best interests at heart. Always go to the Church for moral guidance, but go the extra mile to really go to the Church, as in find a good, orthodox canonist and not Fr. Feelgood the pansy priest at the local parish.

Also, keep in mind- you are dealing with an extreme situation (I know you know this, OP) and this is not even remotely like two people being married by a JP. This is un-natural depravity, it indicates a psycho-sexual disorder, and people are treating it like two kids shacking up. This only indicates how de-sensitized most people have become. Your original post didn’t elicit nearly the outrage or sympathy or consternation it should have.

I wish you the best of luck as you go forward with God to do the best you can. I implore you to seek the guidance of the authentic Church in all things, while realizing how difficult this can be to actually do in the current climate. We’ll be praying.
 
Jimbo2 said:
Love the internet. Brings out every possible mush-headed notion.

My basic objection to forums like this even existing is that it has the high-falootin’ title of “Moral theology”. I think people could accidentally get the idea that what goes on in here is “Catholic moral theology”. It’s not. You get that directly from the Church, not from hordes of ignorant but opinionated lay-people.

Above, a poster disagreed with the idea of going to the Church for guidance. Danger, Will Robinson. Anyone who tries to keep you away from the Church for moral guidance does not have your best interests at heart. Always go to the Church for moral guidance, but go the extra mile to really go to the Church, as in find a good, orthodox canonist and not Fr. Feelgood the pansy priest at the local parish.

Also, keep in mind- you are dealing with an extreme situation (I know you know this, OP) and this is not even remotely like two people being married by a JP. This is un-natural depravity, it indicates a psycho-sexual disorder, and people are treating it like two kids shacking up. This only indicates how de-sensitized most people have become. Your original post didn’t elicit nearly the outrage or sympathy or consternation it should have.

I wish you the best of luck as you go forward with God to do the best you can. I implore you to seek the guidance of the authentic Church in all things, while realizing how difficult this can be to actually do in the current climate. We’ll be praying.
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I sure do agree with this! I’m pretty shocked that this is even open to a debate. While the Church may allow for some flexibility regarding marriages outside the Church, this “wedding” is more on par with a same-sex or polygamous “marriage”. I read the other thread from this OP and it’s clear the relationship has been ongoing for some time. I am unclear as to whether the OP believes it will continue the same after the wedding. I would say this might be the only factor that could mitigate the response. If her son has decided to end the 3-way and make a comittment to one woman, that would indeed be something to celebrate. Otherwise, it’s pretty cut and dried, as far as I can see.

Certainly one should seek counsel with their priest. Since this has been going on for so long, hopefully the OP has spoken to her pastor before and can get some solid guidance on what to do.
 
Shouva said:
My son is getting married in December. Despite his upbringing and Catholic school education he fell away from the Church. His relationship with his best friend (attended the same Catholic schools) and his fiance is totally morally reprehensible. They have been living a “manage a trois” for 3 years. I do not doubt that the “sharing” will continue after the civil ceremony. The best friend will be the best man at the wedding.

.
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This is a very difficult question. Life is short, and living what years God still has for you without the love and friendship of your son would be most painful, especially if you are no longer married yourself (you made no mention of a wife). Life can be most painful without him.

Since his fiancee is also a Catholic, and educated as such, it does make the matter a little easier, but not that much.

With that in mind your daughter and you should go to the couple and insist on a Catholic ceremony. The pressure on them could be enormous. Tell them it is not the externals which are important, but clearly marrying and living is sin is unacceptable to God and to you and your family. The financee’s family should feel the same way, and put the same concerns on them. Marriage before a priest, a sacramental marriage, and the third person is out.

If it doesn’t work, after all the pain is over, you can go back after the ceremony and patch things up.

If it works, you will be a proud papa.

It is easy to make such a recommendation. I have three children, and they are very important to me. Without their love, I would feel very lost. But, you have some obligations here.

As far as the ‘menage a trois’ is concerned, you have no right to approve such a thing, and these children should know that.
Prayers, and blessings
God bless you, and give you strength.
Mgrfin
 
I’ve got a few questions for those who support her going to the wedding.

Realize first that this woman is responsible for her OWN soul. Her son is responsible for HIS.

If your daughter were planning an abortion and needed a ride there would you drive her? If she were short of cash would you pay?

I can only assume you all would. After all, you’re not condoning the abortion, just supplying the cash or ride.
 
That is hardly the same situation. The son is sinning against himself and God. A person aborting a baby is sinning against a child. I would not accompany my daughter to an abortion and she would not even ask me to as I have educated her that life is sacred and there is no compromise on that. Thing is, education and teaching of lessons MUST come through childhood and not be left until it is too late. It if futile to try and make a point through not attending. Talking and explaining would be the only way.
iamrefreshed said:
I’ve got a few questions for those who support her going to the wedding.

Realize first that this woman is responsible for her OWN soul. Her son is responsible for HIS.

If your daughter were planning an abortion and needed a ride there would you drive her? If she were short of cash would you pay?

I can only assume you all would. After all, you’re not condoning the abortion, just supplying the cash or ride.
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Linnyo said:
That is hardly the same situation. The son is sinning against himself and God. A person aborting a baby is sinning against a child. I would not accompany my daughter to an abortion and she would not even ask me to as I have educated her that life is sacred and there is no compromise on that. Thing is, education and teaching of lessons MUST come through childhood and not be left until it is too late. It if futile to try and make a point through not attending. Talking and explaining would be the only way.
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How is the situation any different? Both children are committing mortal sins. They are sacrificing their eternal salvation for their own selfish desires.

I beg to differ. The situations are the same. Her son is also sinning against his “fiance” AND his best friend.

I’m glad your daughter knows better but put yourself in this womans shoes. Would you pay for or drive her to the abortion? Stating it would “never happen” is somewhat of a cop out if you’ll forgive the expression.

This woman educated her son in a catholic school. Why do you assume the son was taught incorrectly?

At what age do you stop loving for your children and trying to help them through life?

As a parent, I know that the hardest things to do are sometimes the most right.
 
mgrfin said:
Life is short, and living what years God still has for you without the love and friendship of your son would be most painful…
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Please tell me you are not serious about this! You honestly think it is more important to preserve and protect this earthly relationship than to be concerned with where the son will spend ETERNITY??!!!

If he cleans his life up the mother and son have the possibility of being together forever in Heaven in the presence of God!!! If he doesn’t - well, his chances are pretty slim that’s going to happen.

Where are the Catholics in this discussion? Isn’t anyone concerned about the son’s soul? Doesn’t anyone here realize that what happens here is only temporary and prepares us for where we are truly meant to be - and that we are to be perfect as our Father is perfect? Tell me - how does that happen for the son if mom stands by his side and gives her blessing (and don’t even try to tell me that attendance is not a blessing - being a witness to something is stating agreement and personal involvement).

Dang - I just worry sometimes about where people’s heads are on some things. I can’t believe this is even a question! To me it is an open and shut decision and doesn’t even warrant a second thought. Be concerned for the son’s soul - worry about the “feel good” relationship later. There really are more important things to be concerned about here.

~Liza
 
I would discuss this with your priest. Sometimes there is no “right choice” in these circumstances. Whether you attend or not, I recommend sending them three separate Bibles and rosaries!

We will keep you and your son and friends in our prayers.

Sincerely,

Maria1212
 
What about the honor that children are commanded to give parents? One way that I’ve heard this discribed is that a child, even an adult child, should never do anything to bring dishonor to the parents.
 
Shouva said:
My son is getting married in December. Despite his upbringing and Catholic school education he fell away from the Church. His relationship with his best friend (attended the same Catholic schools) and his fiance is totally morally reprehensible. They have been living a “manage a trois” for 3 years. I do not doubt that the “sharing” will continue after the civil ceremony. The best friend will be the best man at the wedding.

Listening to Catholic radio I hear situations where callers are told they cannot be the best man or maid of honor in Protestant wedding or in weddings where a Catholic is marrying outside the Church. This is because the positions of best man and maid of honor act as the official witnesses to the marriage. The callers are told that they can attend the wedding as a guest. In some situations the callers are told not to attend the wedding but that it would be OK to attend the reception.

I am totally repulsed by the life my son is living. If I do not attend in some way, however, I know I will loose all contact with my son and any future interaction to influence him to change his life to the better. (He has a will of iron.) If I attend only the reception it would look very strange to all attending, especially to my ex-husband. He does not know of his son’s lifestyle and I would have to tell him my reason for not attending the wedding ceremony.

My daughter told him months ago that she would “be busy that day”. This has brought him to tears and is upsetting him dearly. I am afraid that she is being too staunch in her stand and should at least attend the reception. Not attending in some fashion would mean a permanent split between them.

What should I do? What should my daughter do? All opinions woudl be appreciated.
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I have to agree with Jimbo2 (#9 I believe), if you give in and go to the wedding to “stay in his life,” where does it end? I went through a similar situation, twice in under 2 years actually. My best friend of 12 years was getting married, but I could not, in good conscience, go. She was very upset, it hurt her a lot, and I hated that I had to do it. When she divorced a year later she wanted me to attend her second wedding, and said that if I didn’t then I was the one ending our friendship. I told her that a true friend wouldn’t ask me to disobey God for a friendship. I understand this is different, being your son and not just a friend. My sister, a non Christian (New Age “pagan” to be exact), has told me that although it would hurt her for me to not attend her wedding, she’d lose respect for me as a person for validating with my presence something I believed was morally wrong, and she wouldn’t cut off our relationship for that.
As to going to the reception, my advise is to consult an orhodox priest. Pray a Rosary for discernment for the priest, and ask him if the reception would be scandelous to attend. I have had some major moral calls to make, and going to a priest who was truly Catholic, praying hard before talking with him, has always helped. Tell God you will be obedient to His minister on earth so “Please give Father light to guide me.” Like I said, I’ve always done this and have no regrets.
If you decide not to attend the wedding, or both wedding and reception, definitely talk to your son beforehand. Pray the Rosary. Pray a Rosary novena strictly for his understanding, then tell him how much you wish you could be there on his wedding day, and it hurts you more than he can imagine to not attend. Etc. You and your family will be in my prayers. God Bless.
 
iamrefreshed said:
I’ve got a few questions for those who support her going to the wedding.

Realize first that this woman is responsible for her OWN soul. Her son is responsible for HIS.

If your daughter were planning an abortion and needed a ride there would you drive her? If she were short of cash would you pay?

I can only assume you all would. After all, you’re not condoning the abortion, just supplying the cash or ride.
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We are not talking about killing our grandchildren!

This is a strawman argument and a violation of the rules. You owe us an apology.
 
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