Should I attend my son's wedding?

[blessedtoo]

When I first learned about my son’s 3 person sexual relationship I shunned them all. No change. A year later I took my son to lunch for his b’day but shunned the other two. I again re-iterated my loathing of his lifestyle. No change. I had only him for Christmas, shunned the other two. No change. A year later she joined him for Christmas, although I did not invite her. A few months late we had the “blow out” dinner where tempers flared and angry words were spoken. No change…except for the engagement. This past year we had a mid-January lunch (no Christmas). All 3 attended.

It’s very frustrating when we don’t see the fruits of our efforts. I understand why you would feel that your approach is failing. I would only add that our timeline is not God’s timeline. Even with very young children, it is important to send a consistent message and not confuse things by switching horses mid-stream. St. Monica prayed for 30 years before she saw her son converted. My parents prayed for me for 30 years as well before God answered them. I am sure they felt, at times, that their approach was futile (firm, but gentle reminders and admonitions about my lifestyle) but they never wavered. Today, I am so grateful that they stayed true to God and set for me an example that I try to follow for myself today.

 

[YinYangMom]

Don’t cut yourself off from your son.

Perhaps this is the real question: would not attending the wedding and/or reception really result in **cutting **the OP off from her son?

She seems to think it would.
Certainly she knows her son well enough that he would consider it as grounds for terminating the relationship forever.

It seems to me this man is immature on many levels, so I doubt he can physically or emotionally permanently stay away from his mother. He obviously needs her approval on many levels. That need will not go away just because he marries.

He insists on behaving in a manner not approved by society, let alone his mother, and then cries and pouts when she refuses to accept his decisions. It seems like an elaborate, drawn out temper tantrum to me.

What is interesting is that the OP followed Dr. Guarendi’s advice and the son not only continued meeting with her, he eventually foced her out of that decision by bringing the girlfriend uninvited, and then the following year, the other girlfriend as well. Now he pushes the envelope further by getting engaged to one of the girls and manipulating the OP into making an appearance of ‘acceptance’ by inviting her to this wedding.

She should have turned the son and the girlfriend away that first year, but that’s water over the bridge now.

Parenting is so difficult, but the most difficult part is consistency in our teachings. When we waiver the child gets the message we were bluffing and from then on the child learns that what people say and do does not have to be trusted.

Will her not attending the wedding result in never having contact with the son or any future grandchildren? The answer is not within her control. The choice is his and his alone, not hers. The Serenity Prayer is applicable here.

The only choice the OP has in this matter is how much she is willing to compromise her own beliefs publicly. The message she presents is: I am a devout Catholic but our faith teaches morals can be compromised for the sake of our children when they put us into morally compromising positions.

Perhaps the OP and her daughter can make a point to get together the day of the wedding to attend a Catholic mass somewhere or spend time at Eucharistic Adoration praying for their son/brother. If anyone at the wedding asks where his mother and sister are, they can answer: They are at church praying for me because they love me and refuse to give up on me.

 

[vern_humphrey]

Don’t abandon your son. That way is the way of bitterness and hatred. Use love and prayer.

 

[YinYangMom]

Don’t abandon your son. That way is the way of bitterness and hatred. Use love and prayer.

Vern, define “abandon”.

The OP started this thread because that’s the last thing she wants to do but she is concerned that if she does not attend the wedding that would be the equivalent of abandoning him. She has already stated she will continue to love him and pray for him.

I submit that any abandoning would be done on the son’s part, not hers, if his response to her non-attendance is to cut off all ties with her permanently. The key word here being **he **is the one doing the cutting, not her.

Certainly he may abandon her for not attending.
But her not attending is not abandoning him. She has made it clear she loves him and will continue to be available to him for other situations, just not this one because it is sacred.

It seems like you are advocating her absence from the wedding and/or reception would indeed be abandonment on her part of the son. Am I missing something in your posts?

 

[vern_humphrey]

Perhaps this is the real question: would not attending the wedding and/or reception really result in **cutting **the OP off from her son?

She seems to think it would.
Certainly she knows her son well enough that he would consider it as grounds for terminating the relationship forever.

And I think she probably knows best.

It seems to me this man is immature on many levels, so I doubt he can physically or emotionally permanently stay away from his mother. He obviously needs her approval on many levels. That need will not go away just because he marries.

This son doesn’t seem to want to cling – he seems rebellious and self-willed. Note that he has already broken with his sister.

He insists on behaving in a manner not approved by society, let alone his mother, and then cries and pouts when she refuses to accept his decisions. It seems like an elaborate, drawn out temper tantrum to me.

Yes, it is – and like most such tantrums at that age will probably end with permanent estrangement.

What is interesting is that the OP followed Dr. Guarendi’s advice and the son not only continued meeting with her, he eventually foced her out of that decision by bringing the girlfriend uninvited, and then the following year, the other girlfriend as well. Now he pushes the envelope further by getting engaged to one of the girls and manipulating the OP into making an appearance of ‘acceptance’ by inviting her to this wedding.

Which is throwing down the gauntlet.

She should have turned the son and the girlfriend away that first year, but that’s water over the bridge now.

’
Yes – we can’t turn back the clock. There are no re-dos in life.

Parenting is so difficult, but the most difficult part is consistency in our teachings. When we waiver the child gets the message we were bluffing and from then on the child learns that what people say and do does not have to be trusted.

Will her not attending the wedding result in never having contact with the son or any future grandchildren? The answer is not within her control. The choice is his and his alone, not hers. The Serenity Prayer is applicable here.

Let me point out that most disasters occur after someone decides to pass the point of no returm. If she refuses to attend the wedding, and a permanent breach occurs, there is little more to be done.

If on the other hand she shows love for her son, attends the wedding, and works patiently (as Saint Monica did) she man achieve something.

The only choice the OP has in this matter is how much she is willing to compromise her own beliefs publicly. The message she presents is: I am a devout Catholic but our faith teaches morals can be compromised for the sake of our children when they put us into morally compromising positions.

I see no compromise at all – she isn’t participating in this wedding. She isn’t approving of the arrangement. She is there because her son is there.

She is there to carry out her duty as a parent – just as Saint Monica did.

Perhaps the OP and her daughter can make a point to get together the day of the wedding to attend a Catholic mass somewhere or spend time at Eucharistic Adoration praying for their son/brother. If anyone at the wedding asks where his mother and sister are, they can answer: They are at church praying for me because they love me and refuse to give up on me.

This is the same immature, self-centered son that up until now has refused all reasonable approaches? And now he’s suddenly reasonable and mature enough to say something like that?

 

[vern_humphrey]

Vern, define “abandon”.

In this case it means to cut oneself off from a family member.

The OP started this thread because that’s the last thing she wants to do but she is concerned that if she does not attend the wedding that would be the equivalent of abandoning him.

She’s right – and who would know better than she what the results of her action are likely to be?

 

[PatienceAndLove]

This is the same immature, self-centered son that up until now has refused all reasonable approaches? And now he’s suddenly reasonable and mature enough to say something like that?

You be surprised at the moments of clarity a disobedient strong-willed child has.
And from her reading her posts, it would seem to me that he knows he is hurting his family, but he is determined to do what he wants.
As I have stated before, I was in the same position. I knew my parents loved me, but I was going to do it my way.

Shouva- I will keep your son in my prayers. Have you been praying to St. Monica?

 

[MaryD7]

Shouva, I’m sure any decision you make will not be an easy one.

I do have one concern/question and it may be none of my business (so you can ignore me if you want ): You stated in your OP that your son’s father does not know about his son’s lifestyle. Why not? As a father, doesn’t he have the right to know? I know that I would be upset if somebody knew something like this about one of my son’s relationships and never clued me in.

Also, sometimes, it takes a father speaking with his son about certain things that has more of an effect than a mother (at least I found it that way with my sons). Just my humble 2 cents.

 

[vern_humphrey]

You be surprised at the moments of clarity a disobedient strong-willed child has.

How so? Am I somehow lacking in experience with families?

And from her reading her posts, it would seem to me that he knows he is hurting his family, but he is determined to do what he wants.
As I have stated before, I was in the same position. I knew my parents loved me, but I was going to do it my way.

Shouva- I will keep your son in my prayers. Have you been praying to St. Monica?

And don’t break anything you can’t fix.

 

[PatienceAndLove]

How so? Am I somehow lacking in experience with families?

I have no idea. But knowing a disobedient strong-willed child (me!) I can tell you that we are strange creatures that make no sense. So don’t even try.

And don’t break anything you can’t fix.

Who says she is breaking anything?

 

[vern_humphrey]

I have no idea. But knowing a disobedient strong-willed child (me!) I can tell you that we are strange creatures that make no sense. So don’t even try.

All children are different. Her assessment of her son, and his likely reaction is most likely to be an accurate one. She has said it might well result in a permanent rupture.

Who says she is breaking anything?

She does – she knows her son and fears not attending the wedding might lead to a permanent break.

Here is what she said in her first post:

If I do not attend in some way, however, I know I will loose all contact with my son and any future interaction to influence him to change his life to the better. (He has a will of iron.)

 

[MaryD7]

All children are different. Her assessment of her son, and his likely reaction is most likely to be an accurate one. She has said it might well result in a permanent rupture.

She does – she knows her son and fears not attending the wedding might lead to a permanent break.

I hear what you’re saying, Vern, but to me that sounds a little like emotional blackmail … If you don’t do what I want I’m going to cut you out of my life.

 

[YinYangMom]

And I think she probably knows best.

I agree.

This son doesn’t seem to want to cling – he seems rebellious and self-willed. Note that he has already broken with his sister.

He doesn’t want to cling, but neither does mom. He does, however, want (need) his mother’s approval of his lifestyle. As for broken relations with his sister, I’m with the others here who believe in trusting in God’s timing over our own. Only He knows how long that relationship will be broken. It is up to the son to reestablish it. In the meantime, the sister’s and mom’s obligation is to continue to love him, pray for him, and reach out to him (send birthday/holiday cards/gifts to him, email him, send invitations addressed to him for events and such). Whether or not he accepts any of these is up to him.

Yes, it is – and like most such tantrums at that age will probably end with permanent estrangement.

Define ‘permanent’. I view things with Heaven as the end goal. We may very well be estranged from loved ones due to our faith during this lifetime, but through our prayers and indulgences we have hope that we will meet again in Heaven.

Which is throwing down the gauntlet.

Yes, the son threw it down. The mother can either pick it up, accepting to play by his rules, or walk away, firm in her convictions.

Yes – we can’t turn back the clock. There are no re-dos in life.

But we can learn from our mistakes. She gave in to what appeared to be a simple ignoring of the rules and it has led to this major conflict. There is nothing ‘simple’ about our convictions in the faith.

Let me point out that most disasters occur after someone decides to pass the point of no returm. If she refuses to attend the wedding, and a permanent breach occurs, there is little more to be done.

I don’t believe in points of no return (except death). We don’t know that a permanent breach would occur. I don’t doubt a breach would, but no one but the Lord knows how long that will last. As for ‘little more’ to be done, prayer is powerful. There is nothing “little” about it.

If on the other hand she shows love for her son, attends the wedding, and works patiently (as Saint Monica did) she may achieve something.

Is it showing love for a son to allow him to play with fire knowing it will cause physical harm to him, even lead to his death - just because he insists he really enjoys doing so?

As others pointed out earlier. St. Monica didn’t compromise her actions/beliefs for her son by participating in his lifestyle. She stayed away and prayed unceasingly.

I see no compromise at all – she isn’t participating in this wedding. She isn’t approving of the arrangement. She is there because her son is there. She is there to carry out her duty as a parent – just as Saint Monica did.

If she gets walked down the aisle, representing her role as mother to this man, and sits with the rest of the wedding party, she indeed is participating in the ritual of the ceremony. If she attends and sits at the back of the church, that may indeed be a different story.

This is the same immature, self-centered son that up until now has refused all reasonable approaches? And now he’s suddenly reasonable and mature enough to say something like that?

One never knows. If it’s the only reason she gives him, and he wants to be truthful, he will. Otherwise, he’ll lie anyway and spin his own story. But still, that’s on him, not her. If she and the daughter explain this to the other relatives then they can speak the truth even if the son lies.

 

[YinYangMom]

In this case it means to cut oneself off from a family member.

She’s right – and who would know better than she what the results of her action are likely to be?

But he is the one cutting her off only if he chooses to respond that way to her non-attendance.

I agree she knows how he will react, but that doesn’t mean she should give in to his threats/blackmail. If she really loves him she will remain the steady light of truth in his life.

As you noted, she said:

If I do not attend in some way, however, I know I will loose all contact with my son and any future interaction to influence him to change his life to the better. (He has a will of iron.)

She believes she will lose all contact but only God knows this for certain. The Holy Spirit has broken wills of iron on many occasions. We do not need to be afraid of these things.

 

[vern_humphrey]

I hear what you’re saying, Vern, but to me that sounds a little like emotional blackmail … If you don’t do what I want I’m going to cut you out of my life.

But he didn’t say that. It’s her assessment that if she doesn’t go, it will lead to a permanent rupture.

And I think she’s right – and she’s also right in her assessment of the consequences. If she doesn’t break with her son, she always has a chance of bringing him back to a moral life. But if she breaks, it will be permanent, and she will have no chance.

 

[MaryD7]

But he didn’t say that. It’s her assessment that if she doesn’t go, it will lead to a permanent rupture.

And I think she’s right – and she’s also right in her assessment of the consequences. If she doesn’t break with her son, she always has a chance of bringing him back to a moral life. But if she breaks, it will be permanent, and she will have no chance.

Vern, we’ll just have to agree to disagree on how we would approach this predicament. No matter what Shouva does, she needs our prayers.

 

[vern_humphrey]

Vern, we’ll just have to agree to disagree on how we would approach this predicament. No matter what Shouva does, she needs our prayers.

Indeed she does. May Saint Monica help her.

 

[iamrefreshed]

**2230 **When they become adults, children have the right and duty to choose their profession and state of life. They should assume their new responsibilities within a trusting relationship with their parents, willingly asking and receiving their advice and counsel. Parents should be careful not to exert pressure on their children either in the choice of a profession or in that of a spouse. **This necessary restraint does not prevent them - quite the contrary from giving their children judicious advice, particularly when they are planning to start a family.
**

I bolded the above to strees the fact that the parent is required to give their children judicious advice regarding starting a family.

Under no circumstances should she attend the wedding. She stated herself how broken up her son was over his sisters refusal to attend. Maybe he is not as “iron willed” as was indicated?

I liked the analogy of letting a your child play with fire. It fits here.
On two levels, spiritually and physically.

If he chooses to never speak to her again that is his choice. She sould not be blackmailed with her soul.

And prayer can still work wonders without her having to bear facing this trio socially.

 

[vern_humphrey]

**2230 **When they become adults, children have the right and duty to choose their profession and state of life. They should assume their new responsibilities within a trusting relationship with their parents, willingly asking and receiving their advice and counsel. Parents should be careful not to exert pressure on their children either in the choice of a profession or in that of a spouse. **This necessary restraint does not prevent them - quite the contrary from giving their children judicious advice, particularly when they are planning to start a family.
**

I bolded the above to strees the fact that the parent is required to give their children judicious advice regarding starting a family.

How do they do that if they have lost all contact with the children?

 

[otjm]

What about the honor that children are commanded to give parents? One way that I’ve heard this discribed is that a child, even an adult child, should never do anything to bring dishonor to the parents.

This, however, is not about the child dishonoring the parent (that is already a given) but what reaction the parent should have.

Do you suggest that the parent cut off the child? that is certainly not what the Gospel teaches.

And if you do not suggest that the parent cut off the child, what do you suggest the parent do?

Is going to the wedding the same as giving approval of his lifestyle? Do you really think, if the parent has expressed their feelings prior to this about the situation, that the child doesn’t understand the parent’s position?

And given that not going to the wedding has a high chance of being seen as cutting off the child, what do you suggest, in light of the fact that the Gospel shows the the child not be cut off?