Should I attend my son's wedding?

[YinYangMom]

How do they do that if they have lost all contact with the children?

All contact is never lost, Vern, that’s just it.
You’re thinking only in terms of her physical ability to interact with her son, but she carries more power through prayer.

I also do not believe for a second that this son will stay away from her until his death. He seems to need her approval too much. His stubborness will enable him to carry his tantrum out for a long while, but as others noted, this marriage will encounter bumps. When it does, he’ll need his mom, and I would wager he will reach out to her. He may do so snarkily and lay on the guilt trip but just the fact that he even approaches her via phone, email, through other family members or mail reveals her opinion matters very much for him.

That’s the one bit of knowledge the mother can carry to sustain her in her prayers. So long as he desires/needs her approval she has the ability, even in her absence, to influence him positively. In the meantime, she continues to love him, pray for him, fast for him, send holiday/birthday cards/gifts, etc.

 

[vern_humphrey]

All contact is never lost, Vern, that’s just it.

Yes, it is. And if you look around you, you can find abundant evidence of families that failed, fell apart, and disintigrated into wandering, lost fragments.

You’re thinking only in terms of her physical ability to interact with her son, but she carries more power through prayer.

God helps those who help themselves. He demands prayer, to be sure. But He also expects blood, sweat and tears.

I also do not believe for a second that this son will stay away from her until his death.

But what basis do you have for this belief? His mother, who actually knows him, has a different opinion.

He seems to need her approval too much. His stubborness will enable him to carry his tantrum out for a long while, but as others noted, this marriage will encounter bumps. When it does, he’ll need his mom, and I would wager he will reach out to her. He may do so snarkily and lay on the guilt trip but just the fact that he even approaches her via phone, email, through other family members or mail reveals her opinion matters very much for him.

What evidence do you have that allows you to make this prediction?

His mother, who knows him, says:

If I do not attend in some way, however, I know I will loose all contact with my son and any future interaction to influence him to change his life to the better. (He has a will of iron.)

That’s the one bit of knowledge the mother can carry to sustain her in her prayers. So long as he desires/needs her approval she has the ability, even in her absence, to influence him positively. In the meantime, she continues to love him, pray for him, fast for him, send holiday/birthday cards/gifts, etc.

And if it doesn’t work out that way, what then?

 

[YinYangMom]

Is going to the wedding the same as giving approval of his lifestyle? Do you really think, if the parent has expressed their feelings prior to this about the situation, that the child doesn’t understand the parent’s position?

“Preach the Gospel always, and if necessary, use words”

Remember, we preach through our actions first and foremost.

Going to the wedding as the mother of the groom, taking her place of honor within the wedding party, is active participation in the ceremony. Attending the reception only to greet the guest as mother-of the-groom and then leaving is an insult, especially after having stood by his side for the marriage ceremony itself.

It means nothing for her to say she disapproves of this marriage and lifestyle if her actions say otherwise. To the son, and all those in attendance, it serves only to show her to be a liar and a person without integrity.

Do you believe Our Mother, Mary, would attend such a wedding as an active participant in the situation? That she would place her reputation on the line, put her obligation to God aside, in order to avoid angering her son? St. Monica didn’t, and I can’t see Mary doing it either. Instead I see them both wrapping their arms around the OP offering to sustain her through this difficult predicament.

 

[YinYangMom]

Yes, it is. And if you look around you, you can find abundant evidence of families that failed, fell apart, and disintigrated into wandering, lost fragments.

I see that, but I also see, read, and hear (especially here on the CAF boards) of those ‘fragments’ returning to God and the Church. Sometimes too late for them to rebuild the family, but not too late for their souls, and not too late for the souls of their estranged relatives. The end goal is to get everyone into heaven so that we can spend eternity together.

God helps those who help themselves. He demands prayer, to be sure. But He also expects blood, sweat and tears.

God also helps those who don’t but who have many people and saints interceding on their behalf. We don’t have to do it all ourselves, that’s the beauty of the Communion of Saints.

As for the blood, sweat and tears, that’s exactly what will be the outcome (temporarily) if the mother does not attend the wedding, so how is that against Catholic expectations. God’s way is narrow and it will hurt. Standing firm in her faith, in Truth, will cost this woman plenty, I do not doubt that. But I believe her faithfulness will be rewarded.

But what basis do you have for this belief? His mother, who actually knows him, has a different opinion.

His mother believes she “will lose all contact with her son and any future interaction to influence him” but that is a woman speaking from fear and despair. He threatens such a response and I don’t doubt he will follow through. But he seems to be persistent in his pursuit of his mother’s approval so even though he won’t intend to ever contact her again, he is weak (that is obvious) and he will contact her. I suspect that contact will be vindictive at first, attempts to hurt her back, as her absence hurt him, but **any **contact is that opportunity she seeks to influence him. Because of her devotion, prayers and faithfulness I do not believe for a moment that a time will not come when she will have that opportunity.

What evidence do you have that allows you to make this prediction?

You and I read the same information from the same source. Your perspective sees doom, mine does not. What the OP has presented is evidence of immaturity on the part of the son. His behaviors are tantrums. She tolerated the tantrums in hopes of being able to change his behaviors. Instead she gave in (when the GF and the other were welcomed into her home just once) and it has led to this. She has had it seems 20+ years to influence him. She spent the last 3 trying really, really hard to influence him. If she allows her actions to continue to contradict her words how can that not come across to the son as further evidence that he is winning this battle, swaying his mother to eventually accept and embrace this arrangement. Any continued time together will be a battleground where he continues to impose his lifestyle on her. He did it twice before, He isn’t going to change his tactics. Mother needs to change hers.

And if it doesn’t work out that way, what then?

Ye of little faith. “that way” is the OP loving, praying and fasting for her son, sending him cards/gifts, letters and what not until the day she dies. And after that she continues to pray for him from purgatory or heaven. I see nothing dismal about that scenario.

This son is an independent man making his own choices in life. The time for physical influence by the mother over his life is passed. Her primary recourse now is prayer and devotion. You make it seem like that’s a bad thing.

 

[otjm]

I would find it interesting to know two things: how many posters in this thread have adult children, and related to that, how old are the posters.

There seems to be a thought running through here that if Shouva shows up at either the wedding or the reception, that by being there someone - I can’t really identify who - is going to interpret that as approval of the lifestyle.

Aside from the fact that such a conclusion is simplistic, Shouva’s response recently shows that the son has no claim whatsoever on any assumption of approval of his lifestyle.

I wonder, truly, how much we are aware of the reasons we make the suggestions we do. I may be hearing wrongly, but I am really struck with what appears to be an undertone of condemnation and judgementalism. I am also fairly sure that if anyone here has those undertones, they would deny it; one of the problems we face as humans is a lack of insight as to what our real motives are, often. We don’t take time to pick apart our reactions; we just shoot from the hip and move on.

Why do I ask about adult children? For two reasons; the first is that if you do not have adult children, you have not had the experience of their choices as adults which run contrary to yours, and to what you thought you taught them.

The second is that for some, but not all, age means a gain in wisdom; and it is wisdom that begins to understand that questions most often are not black and white; they are varying shades of grey. It is simplistic to think that morality in a certain situation is either obvious or easily achieved. Some of the wisdom is from personal experience; other wisdom is gained from the insights culled from others’ experiences.

It is easy to say “Don’t go”; especially when the one saying so does not have to deal with the results. Refusing to go to the wedding, or the reception (one or the other) is very high risk to result in a permanent rift between the son and Shouva. Absolute? No. Very high risk? Without any doubt - an believe me, that comes from a lifetime of observation.

And the insidious part of it is that the shunning, if it is taken as that, has the opposite effect that everyone here wants; it results in the one shunned being driven farther away - not just from the parent, but also from the Church which is seen as the foundation of the shunning - a Church of condemnation, not a Church of forgivenenss. The parent who shuns is identified as doing so because of the Church; and goth are rejected.

We all want the son to return to the Faith, to common sense, and basic morality.

The Prodigal Sond did not come back to ask for forgiveness; he came back to ask to be a slave - not a member of the family, but a slave - and the father instead gave him forgiveness. The points being made were not only about the forgiveness of the father (and the Father), but also about the fact that the father did not condemn the son, did not cut him off.

The son in this case has already been told - repeatedly - that his actions are highly immoral. Not going to the wedding will not make that point as it has already been made. Not going to the wedding will make the point, loud and clear: “I cut you off”.

And neither you nor I have to live with the results of that choice.

And as to anyone else who would think that Shouva is approving by going: “Are you really that stupid?” is all that needs to be said.

 

[vern_humphrey]

I see that, but I also see, read, and hear (especially here on the CAF boards) of those ‘fragments’ returning to God and the Church. Sometimes too late for them to rebuild the family, but not too late for their souls, and not too late for the souls of their estranged relatives. The end goal is to get everyone into heaven so that we can spend eternity together.

The best way to get to heaven together is to stay together.

As for the blood, sweat and tears, that’s exactly what will be the outcome (temporarily) if the mother does not attend the wedding, so how is that against Catholic expectations. God’s way is narrow and it will hurt. Standing firm in her faith, in Truth, will cost this woman plenty, I do not doubt that. But I believe her faithfulness will be rewarded.

But the Church does not command her to abandon her son.

And as much as we might like her assessment of what will happen to be wrong, she knows her son and we don’t.

His mother believes she “will lose all contact with her son and any future interaction to influence him” but that is a woman speaking from fear and despair.

No, that is a mother speaking from knowledge of her own son.

 

[MaryD7]

Here we are, back to this ‘shunning’ business again. Not going to a wedding is not shunning the person … it is shunning the event. And I don’t think the mother would shun her son. If anything, it would be the son shunning the mother if she didn’t do what he wanted. I still think it reeks of emotional blackmail.

 

[vern_humphrey]

Here we are, back to this ‘shunning’ business again. Not going to a wedding is not shunning the person … it is shunning the event. And I don’t think the mother would shun her son. If anything, it would be the son shunning the mother if she didn’t do what he wanted. I still think it reeks of emotional blackmail.

If I do not attend in some way, however, I know I will loose all contact with my son and any future interaction to influence him to change his life to the better. (He has a will of iron.)

My daughter told him months ago that she would “be busy that day”. This has brought him to tears and is upsetting him dearly. I am afraid that she is being too staunch in her stand and should at least attend the reception. Not attending in some fashion would mean a permanent split between them.

 

[MaryD7]

…And the insidious part of it is that the shunning, if it is taken as that, has the opposite effect that everyone here wants; it results in the one shunned being driven farther away - not just from the parent, but also from the Church which is seen as the foundation of the shunning - a Church of condemnation, not a Church of forgivenenss. The parent who shuns is identified as doing so because of the Church; and goth are rejected.

We all want the son to return to the Faith, to common sense, and basic morality.

I know you wrote much more, but I do have to comment on what I copied from your post. I don’t understand how we keep coming back to this ‘shunning’ business again. Not going to a wedding is not shunning the person … it is shunning the event. And I don’t think the mother would shun her son. If anything, it would be the son shunning the mother if she didn’t do what he wanted. I still think it reeks of emotional blackmail.

My oldest child borders the adulthood stage of the game so no, I can’t speak from the aspect of being the parent of adult children. But I was an adult child who gave her parents a few gray hairs and I know that I worried them. But they never lost sight of their beliefs nor did they bend them to fit my life style. I wouldn’t have dreamed of asking them to come to a marriage such as this. #1 - I’d lose their respect, #2 - I already knew their beliefs and #3 - I’d probably be laughed at right out of the room … by my brothers and sisters. The lines in the sand were already drawn. I knew which ones I couldn’t step over.

 

[vern_humphrey]

I know you wrote much more, but I do have to comment on what I copied from your post. I don’t understand how we keep coming back to this ‘shunning’ business again. Not going to a wedding is not shunning the person … it is shunning the event. And I don’t think the mother would shun her son. If anything, it would be the son shunning the mother if she didn’t do what he wanted. I still think it reeks of emotional blackmail.

It also reeks of sexual immorality and many other things. But:

If I do not attend in some way, however, I know I will loose all contact with my son and any future interaction to influence him to change his life to the better. (He has a will of iron.)

My daughter told him months ago that she would “be busy that day”. This has brought him to tears and is upsetting him dearly. I am afraid that she is being too staunch in her stand and should at least attend the reception. Not attending in some fashion would mean a permanent split between them.

The mother knows her son better than we do.

 

[YinYangMom]

Refusing to go to the wedding, or the reception (one or the other) is very high risk to result in a permanent rift between the son and Shouva. Absolute? No. Very high risk? Without any doubt - an believe me, that comes from a lifetime of observation.

Rift? Absolutely. Permanent? Indeterminable.
Very high risk that the rift is permanent? certainly, high.

shunning has the opposite effect that everyone here wants; it results in the one shunned being driven farther away - not just from the parent, but also from the Church which is seen as the foundation of the shunning - a Church of condemnation, not a Church of forgivenenss. The parent who shuns is identified as doing so because of the Church; and both are rejected.

Good points, indeed. Provided the Catholic standing by the faith does so lovingly, respectfully and charitably any ‘shunning’ is indeed ‘perceived’ erroneously on the part of those who simply do not understand. But when we face our maker we are not going to be asked how others perceived us, we are going to be asked how we presented God to others.

If the mother continues to reach out to the son after the wedding and if one day they reconcile, then the Catholic church would be properly represented in her actions. She continues to reach out, and forgives when the time comes.

We all want the son to return to the Faith, to common sense, and basic morality.

The Prodigal Sond did not come back to ask for forgiveness; he came back to ask to be a slave - not a member of the family, but a slave - and the father instead gave him forgiveness. The points being made were not only about the forgiveness of the father (and the Father), but also about the fact that the father did not condemn the son, did not cut him off.

Yes, we all want the son to return to the faith and reestablish a healthy relationship with his family.

The father of the prodigal son let him go. He did not go after him. He did not drag the son back home or rescue him. He did not send others to look after him, bail him out of trouble. Had the son invited the father to attend an unholy celebration of the son’s wild lifestyle I do not believe the father would have travelled any distance to attend.

The loving father, as much as it must have killed him inside, waited patiently in faith and hope that one day the son would return to him of his own free will. His faithfulness and trust were rewarded with the return of his son, thus the joy expressed at this news by the father. Obviously it pained him to be apart from his beloved for however long they were estranged.

The OP would take her son back in an instant if/when he changes his ways. That would not be inconsistent with the parable.

 

[YinYangMom]

Not going to the wedding will make the point, loud and clear: “I cut you off”.

Going to the wedding **will **make the point that words mean nothing. That the teachings of the church the mother has been defending all these years really don’t matter. That when push comes to shove **one can put aside **their obligation to God and Truth. (Try selling that to all the martyrs.)

And neither you nor I have to live with the results of that choice.

Yes, I realize that. I post my position, not so much directly at the OP (as you’ll notice I speak about the son and the mother) because I am addressing the situation overall.

The OP knows what she needs to do. She is struggling with coming to terms with it. She realizes the impact her decision will have one way or another. She is in all of our prayers and I am confident that** whatever she decides** will be the right decision, even if that decision is against what I’ve put forth here in this thread. This is the way it is meant to be.

We are called to speak the truth charitably and lovingly. I have done so and so have the others here. Our intentions are good, they are not meant to cast judgement but to provide the OP with all her options and reasons to support each. She will pray, the Lord will guide, Mary and Monica will sustain, and all will be well in the end. We have the Lord’s promise in that.

And as to anyone else who would think that Shouva is approving by going: “Are you really that stupid?” is all that needs to be said.

I state only that by attending the wedding and/or the reception Shouva’s actions contradict her words with regard to what is morally acceptable or not.

If she has been telling her son and everyone else that she disapproves of her son’s ‘threesome’ arrangement but stands in the wedding party as the mother of the groom, that is a contradiction. What those in attendance (including the son) derive from that contradiction is up to them.

But if she stays away from the wedding/reception, her actions would be consistent with her words. Those in attendance who have heard her lament about her son’s lifestyle will know why she is absent. If they turn further from the Church for that, again, it is on them, not on her.

 

[YinYangMom]

The best way to get to heaven together is to stay together.

Yet that is often not within our control. Always it is in God’s hands.

But the Church does not command her to abandon her son.

The Chruch commands her to be faithful to God. Speaking Truth, but living a Lies is not honoring the Church or God.

And as much as we might like her assessment of what will happen to be wrong, she knows her son and we don’t.

I never said her assessment was wrong. I pointed out that the assessment is based in fear and despair. As a mother, myself, I understand where this comes from and how real it feels. But honestly, Mary and Monica, are truly Godsends who have sustained me through some rather dreadful phases of parenthood, and in my relations with my brothers and sister. All things truly are possible with God. We only need to let go of our tendency to want to ‘do something’ concrete as if by ‘doing something’ our ‘actions’ will change everything. It doesn’t work that way. It is when we let go of that control and hand it back to God that the situation resolves itself. Again, I refer to the Serenity Prayer.

 

[adrift]

I would find it interesting to know two things: how many posters in this thread have adult children, and related to that, how old are the posters.

T

I wonder why to suggest that not to go brings such rancor. I really don’t understand it.

My children are all adults. They know that if they were to marry outside the Church there family including me would not be there. They know that if they were to need help we would be the first to be there. Yes I have gone through this. My son wanted to marry by justice of the peace for legal reasons and not live with his girlfriend. We objected and thankfully they did not go through with this unwise plan. He knew that we would not attend the event. He knew that we would still be there for him. One does not exclude the other. It is not easy. Didn’t Jesus say he came to set parents against their children? I pray for everyone here.

 

[vern_humphrey]

Yet that is often not within our control. Always it is in God’s hands.

Which is why we should be very careful to give up what little control we have. God’s hands will help us if we use our own hands and other means properly.

The Chruch commands her to be faithful to God. Speaking Truth, but living a Lies is not honoring the Church or God.

Being a mother like Saint Monica is not living a lie.

I never said her assessment was wrong. I pointed out that the assessment is based in fear and despair.

No, it is based on her knowledge of her son.

And since we both agree it is not wrong, we should not try to convince her it is wrong.

As a mother, myself, I understand where this comes from and how real it feels. But honestly, Mary and Monica, are truly Godsends who have sustained me through some rather dreadful phases of parenthood, and in my relations with my brothers and sister.

And neither Monica nor Mary broke relations with their sons – not when Augustine was at his most dissolute, not when Jesus was condemned as a criminal to the most shameful death imaginable.

All things truly are possible with God. We only need to let go of our tendency to want to ‘do something’ concrete as if by ‘doing something’ our ‘actions’ will change everything. It doesn’t work that way.

Actually, it does work that way – Saint Monica’s actions are proof of that.

It is when we let go of that control and hand it back to God that the situation resolves itself. Again, I refer to the Serenity Prayer.

God does not tell us to give up.

 

[whatevergirl]

My son is getting married in December. Despite his upbringing and Catholic school education he fell away from the Church. His relationship with his best friend (attended the same Catholic schools) and his fiance is totally morally reprehensible. They have been living a “manage a trois” for 3 years. I do not doubt that the “sharing” will continue after the civil ceremony. The best friend will be the best man at the wedding.

Listening to Catholic radio I hear situations where callers are told they cannot be the best man or maid of honor in Protestant wedding or in weddings where a Catholic is marrying outside the Church. This is because the positions of best man and maid of honor act as the official witnesses to the marriage. The callers are told that they can attend the wedding as a guest. In some situations the callers are told not to attend the wedding but that it would be OK to attend the reception.

I am totally repulsed by the life my son is living. If I do not attend in some way, however, I know I will loose all contact with my son and any future interaction to influence him to change his life to the better. (He has a will of iron.) If I attend only the reception it would look very strange to all attending, especially to my ex-husband. He does not know of his son’s lifestyle and I would have to tell him my reason for not attending the wedding ceremony.

My daughter told him months ago that she would “be busy that day”. This has brought him to tears and is upsetting him dearly. I am afraid that she is being too staunch in her stand and should at least attend the reception. Not attending in some fashion would mean a permanent split between them.

What should I do? What should my daughter do? All opinions woudl be appreciated.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I think that your daughter has no obligation to attend a wedding she morally disagrees with…she’s not acting as Judge and Jury…but here’s how I see it. If one wants to live his/her life in an immoral way, then he/she cannot expect others to chime in and be accepting of it. Now, you as his mother…hmmm…I think I would go, as I don’t think attending would show acceptance of his lifestyle, as Jesus ate dinner with prostitutes…He ate dinner with them–didn’t accept their behavior.

Likewise, you can attend, and just leave the reception a bit on the early side. Wish him well…and always keep praying and staying in touch. By not attending the wedding…it will not keep him from doing this. I will pray for you!

 

[vern_humphrey]

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I think that your daughter has no obligation to attend a wedding she morally disagrees with…she’s not acting as Judge and Jury…but here’s how I see it. If one wants to live his/her life in an immoral way, then he/she cannot expect others to chime in and be accepting of it. Now, you as his mother…hmmm…I think I would go, as I don’t think attending would show acceptance of his lifestyle, as Jesus ate dinner with prostitutes…He ate dinner with them–didn’t accept their behavior.

Likewise, you can attend, and just leave the reception a bit on the early side. Wish him well…and always keep praying and staying in touch. By not attending the wedding…it will not keep him from doing this. I will pray for you!

Now that’s good, sound, realistic advice.

 

[rwoehmke]

Lordy, lordy, such heat and consternation. My last contribution to this bru-ha-ha is to remark that after all, the Father of the Prodigal probably knew full well what his son was going to do with his inheritance, but he gave him the funds anyway. Does that mean he condoned his son’s sins?

 

[iamrefreshed]

I would find it interesting to know two things: how many posters in this thread have adult children, and related to that, how old are the posters.

There seems to be a thought running through here that if Shouva shows up at either the wedding or the reception, that by being there someone - I can’t really identify who - is going to interpret that as approval of the lifestyle.

Aside from the fact that such a conclusion is simplistic, Shouva’s response recently shows that the son has no claim whatsoever on any assumption of approval of his lifestyle.

I wonder, truly, how much we are aware of the reasons we make the suggestions we do. I may be hearing wrongly, but I am really struck with what appears to be an undertone of condemnation and judgementalism. I am also fairly sure that if anyone here has those undertones, they would deny it; one of the problems we face as humans is a lack of insight as to what our real motives are, often. We don’t take time to pick apart our reactions; we just shoot from the hip and move on.

Why do I ask about adult children? For two reasons; the first is that if you do not have adult children, you have not had the experience of their choices as adults which run contrary to yours, and to what you thought you taught them.

The second is that for some, but not all, age means a gain in wisdom; and it is wisdom that begins to understand that questions most often are not black and white; they are varying shades of grey. It is simplistic to think that morality in a certain situation is either obvious or easily achieved. Some of the wisdom is from personal experience; other wisdom is gained from the insights culled from others’ experiences.

It is easy to say “Don’t go”; especially when the one saying so does not have to deal with the results. Refusing to go to the wedding, or the reception (one or the other) is very high risk to result in a permanent rift between the son and Shouva. Absolute? No. Very high risk? Without any doubt - an believe me, that comes from a lifetime of observation.

And the insidious part of it is that the shunning, if it is taken as that, has the opposite effect that everyone here wants; it results in the one shunned being driven farther away - not just from the parent, but also from the Church which is seen as the foundation of the shunning - a Church of condemnation, not a Church of forgivenenss. The parent who shuns is identified as doing so because of the Church; and goth are rejected.

We all want the son to return to the Faith, to common sense, and basic morality.

The Prodigal Sond did not come back to ask for forgiveness; he came back to ask to be a slave - not a member of the family, but a slave - and the father instead gave him forgiveness. The points being made were not only about the forgiveness of the father (and the Father), but also about the fact that the father did not condemn the son, did not cut him off.

The son in this case has already been told - repeatedly - that his actions are highly immoral. Not going to the wedding will not make that point as it has already been made. Not going to the wedding will make the point, loud and clear: “I cut you off”.

And neither you nor I have to live with the results of that choice.

And as to anyone else who would think that Shouva is approving by going: “Are you really that stupid?” is all that needs to be said.

Nice post until that last line. Are you now using condemnation and judgementalism as you so eloquently put it earlier in your post?

I don’t think she sould go so I guess you judge me as stupid?

Did I mis-read your intent?

 

[YinYangMom]

Which is why we should be very careful to give up what little control we have. God’s hands will help us if we use our own hands and other means properly

Vern, we have no control over others, only our own free will. I agree that God’s hand will guide us when we allow Him to do so. Do you honestly believe God would guide a mother to attend the wedding of a son who is actively engaged in a ‘threesome’ relationship? You are suggesting as much by saying she should attend rather than not. I submit God would not want her to attend but will be by her side to help her through this most difficult decision - choosing her love for God over her own son.

Being a mother like Saint Monica is not living a lie.

St. Monica did not participate in her son’s wayward life all those years, which is why it seems this mother should follow St. Monica’s path and pray from a distance.

No, it is based on her knowledge of her son.
And since we both agree it is not wrong, we should not try to convince her it is wrong.

We should offer her hope and encouragement that her prayers and faithfulness will keep the estrangement from being ‘permanent’.

And neither Monica nor Mary broke relations with their sons – not when Augustine was at his most dissolute, not when Jesus was condemned as a criminal to the most shameful death imaginable.

Please show me where St. Monica stayed under the same roof as her son when he was engaging in immoral behaviors or that she allowed her son to bring these behaviors under her own roof.

Not attending a wedding is not breaking relations. It’s a one time event consistent with her verbal objections over the entire relationship. She will still love her son, she will still invite him over for dinner (not including the ‘wife’ and mistress), she will still send gifts and cards and such.

Actually, it does work that way – Saint Monica’s actions are proof of that.

St. Augustine converted because of his mother’s prayers and devotion to Our Lord and Our Lady on his behalf. In that sense, yes, her actions changed his life. But it wasn’t her physical actions with her son or her words to him which led to the conversion. This mother can follow her lead in prayer, faithfulness and devotion. She does not have to act in a manner contradicting her beliefs.

God does not tell us to give up.

Giving our greatest problems to God is **not **giving up. He encourages us to lay our burdens at His feet. To insist on carrying them ourselves is prideful.