Should I back off?

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My best friend for about 6 or 7 years has been “out” as a gay man for the past two years… He’s never pursued a relationship before as far as I know, but rather stuck to the vaguely promiscuous club and gay pride and gay yoga and gay book clubs and whatever little gay oriented thing you could imagine.

I’ve tried my very best to assert that in my eyes as well as God’s his sexuality does not define him. And I will always accept HIM, love HIM and treat HIM with respect as my friend, but I would not accept his actions and blatant disregard for our common Catholic faith. In my eyes he causes great scandal when he asserts that he is a faithful gay catholic, while at the same time prefers services and denominations that are more accepting of who he is as a person and totes the idea that we as Catholics promote hate against gays by denying them happiness and marriage. The whole time I’ve calmly noted the truth, and avoided conflict.

Now he wants me to meet his boyfriend. I’ve been increasingly annoyed by him over the years and as I stand now his beliefs and actions are completely alien to me. I’m a more traditional catholic, I love Latin, I love the Holy Church, I follow to the best of my knowledge and ability the laws passed down to me by her. As much as I like him as a person, what he is doing and what he wants me to do are completely against my gut.

I’m considering telling him that no, I won’t be meeting his boyfriend, because I feel that what he is getting into is morally corrupt and deeply sinful. Whenever I strike the moral issue he gets offended, this I think will offend him to the point that it will be the end of it all. Should I do it? Because my meeting the boyfriend basically means that I approve of the relationship, which I don’t. Should I back off, or speak my mind even though doing so might end the friendship for good?
 
Hmmm…hmmm hmmm hmmmm! lol This is a tough question (or set of questions):o

I am sorry that you’re in this tough spot. While I don’t see the harm in meeting his new friend, I can understand your reservations. Remember, though, that Jesus ate with people that many wouldn’t eat with–tax collectors, etc…sinners from all areas of life. I think that if we are to follow Christ, we are to mirror His actions for others to see, as best we can. That doesn’t mean hanging out with your friend and his bf every day…but, maybe having a cup of coffee with them …showing love for them…I don’t believe shows advocation for what they are doing. If you permit them to sleep over, in the same room, for example–that would be condoning the behavior. But, I don’t believe that occasional meetings would show that you condone the behavior.

I would probably continue to witness to your friend, and above all, pray for his conversion of heart, that he accepts Jesus’ call to turning from sin.

I would give you the same advice if this were a heterosexual friend of yours, who happened to be living with a woman. It would also be sinful for them to do so…but, shunning people is never the way to wear Christ’s love on your sleeve. (not saying you’re thinking of shunning him) lol

I hope this helps. I’ll keep your friend in my prayers, and I’ll also pray that God gives you the right words to witness to him and his friend. You might be put into their paths for this very reason.

God bless.
 
You know your friend better than we do, of course. 😉

The question that comes to mind is what your friends motives and expectations are. If he is pushing this meeting and will expect you to offer your approval because you are his friend, this will be very hard for you to do. Your “failing” to approve might break the friendship.

If, on the other hand, he is wanting you to meet his new friend because of your friendship regardless of your acceptance of the relationship, it might be good and charitable for you to do so.
 
You both hinted at the same piece. I’ve already told him “I don’t approve” He called me up a while back and among other normal conversation he mentioned he had a crush on this guy. I very calmly counseled him that the best thing to do would be to distance himself so as not to promote the temptation. He dropped me a note the other day and said that he couldn’t hang out on Friday because he was going out with his boyfriend. I said “well, boyfriend? Ok so I guess you didn’t really listen when I told you distance would be good.”

He told me “no, I listened, I’m just doing what I want, not what you tell me to do.”

I told him in response “I’m not telling you to do anything, just that I don’t approve, you’re leading yourself down a path that isn’t easily left. I don’t approve of it, that’s it.”

He said “ok whatever” and hung up.

Now earlier today he’s invited my to dinner with his boyfriend and a couple of his other “funny” friends. He’s asked that I invite my girlfriend, kind of like a double date. He’s mocking me is what he’s doing. Trying to push my buttons so that I get as uncomfortable as possible. It’s his “thing” he likes debate, he loves to argue especially if it’s something that makes me uncomfortable. So ya, no it’s not just will you say hi and acknowledge his presence, it’s let me rub him in your face and see what happens.

Sigh… makes it more difficult ya?
 
I would tell him that you’ll always be his friend…but right now, while he’s living in sin, you need to keep a little distance between the two of you. If you are fearful of losing him as a friend, and let’s say he ‘dumps’ you as his friend…he probably never was a friend. I’m not sure TRUE friends push their friends’ ‘buttons,’ to get reactions. I find his behavior to be rude, and immature. If he wants to live a rude and sinful life, that’s his choice. You have tried to help him–but for now, for your own sanity lol…I would put some distance between you both. Sorry, I thought that this ‘meeting’ was more casual. Double dating is something I wouldn’t be comfortable with, honestly. I hope that helps? :o (I mean, as Corki said–you alone know your friend–if he is really trying to push your buttons, then I think I’d feel uncomfortable too with the situation) Again, tough spot to be in. I hope you find the answers to this.
 
Orate said:
I’m considering telling him that no, I won’t be meeting his boyfriend, because I feel that what he is getting into is morally corrupt and deeply sinful. Whenever I strike the moral issue he gets offended, this I think will offend him to the point that it will be the end of it all. Should I do it? Because my meeting the boyfriend basically means that I approve of the relationship, which I don’t. Should I back off, or speak my mind even though doing so might end the friendship for good?
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I would not want to meet the boyfriend either.
 
A best friend is someone you feel comfortable with, who shares your values and enjoys some of the same activities you do.
If he changes, and begins putting down your values, making you uncomfortable, and insisting you ignore your values in favor of his, I’d say he’s taking himself out of the class of best friends.
He might remain an acquaintance, who you get together with from time to time for old times’ sake.
I would just tell him so. Honesty is the least painful for everybody.
 
I definitely would not agree to meet with them. Based on your second post, this just sounds like trouble, given it would basically be a bunch of gay guys and you and a female friend…that’s just setting yourself up for trouble and mockery.

May God lead you through this difficult time in peace.
Stephen
 
If I were you, I would back off out the door, down the street, into your car, onto the highway, and into the next county.

This fellow does not want to hear what you have to say, he wants you to come out and say that you tolerate his sinful “relationship.”

I’d back off and out the door. Why risk hell?
 
Orate said:
My best friend for about 6 or 7 years has been “out” as a gay man for the past two years… He’s never pursued a relationship before as far as I know, but rather stuck to the vaguely promiscuous club and gay pride and gay yoga and gay book clubs and whatever little gay oriented thing you could imagine.

I’ve tried my very best to assert that in my eyes as well as God’s his sexuality does not define him. And I will always accept HIM, love HIM and treat HIM with respect as my friend, but I would not accept his actions and blatant disregard for our common Catholic faith. In my eyes he causes great scandal when he asserts that he is a faithful gay catholic, while at the same time prefers services and denominations that are more accepting of who he is as a person and totes the idea that we as Catholics promote hate against gays by denying them happiness and marriage. The whole time I’ve calmly noted the truth, and avoided conflict.

Now he wants me to meet his boyfriend. I’ve been increasingly annoyed by him over the years and as I stand now his beliefs and actions are completely alien to me. I’m a more traditional catholic, I love Latin, I love the Holy Church, I follow to the best of my knowledge and ability the laws passed down to me by her. As much as I like him as a person, what he is doing and what he wants me to do are completely against my gut.

I’m considering telling him that no, I won’t be meeting his boyfriend, because I feel that what he is getting into is morally corrupt and deeply sinful. Whenever I strike the moral issue he gets offended, this I think will offend him to the point that it will be the end of it all. Should I do it? Because my meeting the boyfriend basically means that I approve of the relationship, which I don’t. Should I back off, or speak my mind even though doing so might end the friendship for good?
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You don’t have to make the choice. He dose. Tell him that if he continues to act all “gay pride” and cause scandal (it dosen’t matter if he believes he causes scandal or not, he is causing scandal), you’ll stop being friends with him. It is his choice whether or not he wants to be friends with you. If he chooses to continue to be proud of his homoseuxality, end the relationship, but say you’ll always welcome him back if he stops.

The reason God has put you in this friendship is because He wants to teach you about the deadliness of mortal sin and the consequences of our actions and the Divine Mercy: If we choose to reject God by our sinful actions, we will lose Him for eternity. But God is ever merciful, infinitely merciful, and He is willing to forgive us our sins if only we turn from sin to Him.

God gives us the circumstances we bear in life to teach us how to love Him and how to avoid everything that would offend Him.

Pray for your friend, because he needs a lot of prayers.
 
You have said what needs to be said. I don´t think either of you will gain anything by this dinner, so why play a part in his condemnation?

I understand how you feel; I have a good friend who sometimes mocks my religion and blasphemes against the Virgin Mary just to wind me up. I had to tell him that if he did this again it would be the end of our relationship, and I meant it. Sometimes you have to lay done the rules and pray that people will have the sense to do the right thing. We cannot tolerate evil of any sort. To tolerate evil means to take part in it, albeit in a passive way, to give it legitimacy by our behaviour.

All you can do now is what you have surely been doing all along; PRAY.
 
Orate said:
You both hinted at the same piece. I’ve already told him “I don’t approve” He called me up a while back and among other normal conversation he mentioned he had a crush on this guy. I very calmly counseled him that the best thing to do would be to distance himself so as not to promote the temptation. He dropped me a note the other day and said that he couldn’t hang out on Friday because he was going out with his boyfriend. I said “well, boyfriend? Ok so I guess you didn’t really listen when I told you distance would be good.”

He told me “no, I listened, I’m just doing what I want, not what you tell me to do.”

I told him in response “I’m not telling you to do anything, just that I don’t approve, you’re leading yourself down a path that isn’t easily left. I don’t approve of it, that’s it.”

He said “ok whatever” and hung up.

Now earlier today he’s invited my to dinner with his boyfriend and a couple of his other “funny” friends. He’s asked that I invite my girlfriend, kind of like a double date. He’s mocking me is what he’s doing. Trying to push my buttons so that I get as uncomfortable as possible. It’s his “thing” he likes debate, he loves to argue especially if it’s something that makes me uncomfortable. So ya, no it’s not just will you say hi and acknowledge his presence, it’s let me rub him in your face and see what happens.

Sigh… makes it more difficult ya?
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Hi there,
I think this post reveals a lot more about your friendship. Is there any chance that he looks up to you? Or perhaps seeks acceptance from you?
That’s the vibe I’m getting from what you said he said.

Another way to approach this, perhaps, is if you had a friend (of either sex), and he or she had a significant other (of the opposite gender) and was living together, and being open/vocal about sex. Would you meet that significant other?

Overall, though, I would probably not meet him.
 
Orate said:
He’s mocking me is what he’s doing. Trying to push my buttons so that I get as uncomfortable as possible. It’s his “thing” he likes debate, he loves to argue especially if it’s something that makes me uncomfortable. So ya, no it’s not just will you say hi and acknowledge his presence, it’s let me rub him in your face and see what happens.

Sigh… makes it more difficult ya?
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Friends don’t mock each other.
Friends may debate each other, but they do not do it to make each other uncomfortable.

I would question this “friendship”.

What do you have in common?
 
What this situation calls for is an analogy. Tell him you need to talk to him. Explain that you love him as a friend, but that obviously you don’t see eye to eye. You want to respect him as a person, but that you just aren’t going to be party to things you find morally objectionable (say ‘hear me out’ if he starts to interrupt). Then say this:

Imagine if I started doing crystal meth. Then I told you. I said, “hey its no big deal, it feels great and nobody gets hurt.” You don’t agree that it’s right and you are rightly concerned about me. You try to talk me out of it and all I do is invite you to be a meet my new friends that I get high with. If I did that, you wouldn’t come and watch, would you? Of course not. You would be disturbed to hear what I was doing and worried about what would become of me. Would I get hurt, would I hurt somebody else?

The gay thing is like that for me. I care about you and I believe it is inherently harmful to you to behave like you are. I know you reject that belief, but for the sake of our friendship I can’t be a party to supporting you in what I believe is hurting you or meeting your partners or anything like that that endorses what I don’t believe in. I’m sorry if that hurts you, but it hurts me just as much when you disrespect MY beliefs by trying to force me into supporting you in what I believe is inherently harmful to you.
 
Orate said:
My best friend for about 6 or 7 years has been “out” as a gay man for the past two years… He’s never pursued a relationship before as far as I know, but rather stuck to the vaguely promiscuous club and gay pride and gay yoga and gay book clubs and whatever little gay oriented thing you could imagine.

I’ve tried my very best to assert that in my eyes as well as God’s his sexuality does not define him. And I will always accept HIM, love HIM and treat HIM with respect as my friend, but I would not accept his actions and blatant disregard for our common Catholic faith. In my eyes he causes great scandal when he asserts that he is a faithful gay catholic, while at the same time prefers services and denominations that are more accepting of who he is as a person and totes the idea that we as Catholics promote hate against gays by denying them happiness and marriage. The whole time I’ve calmly noted the truth, and avoided conflict.

Now he wants me to meet his boyfriend. I’ve been increasingly annoyed by him over the years and as I stand now his beliefs and actions are completely alien to me. I’m a more traditional catholic, I love Latin, I love the Holy Church, I follow to the best of my knowledge and ability the laws passed down to me by her. As much as I like him as a person, what he is doing and what he wants me to do are completely against my gut.

I’m considering telling him that no, I won’t be meeting his boyfriend, because I feel that what he is getting into is morally corrupt and deeply sinful. Whenever I strike the moral issue he gets offended, this I think will offend him to the point that it will be the end of it all. Should I do it? Because my meeting the boyfriend basically means that I approve of the relationship, which I don’t. Should I back off, or speak my mind even though doing so might end the friendship for good?
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First off, it’s not your “gut” feeling, it’s the Holy Ghost that dwells in you. Do not meet him. If he’s a friend, he will not ask you to do something that you find morally reprehensible. He’ll be offended because he’s no idiot, he knows he’s wrong and what he’s doing is a sin. My best friend of 10 years wanted me to approve of a sinful choice she was making because “my church supports me, why don’t you?” Christ says that we’re to warn our brother, warn him with a witness, and turn him over to the Church. Then we cut off ties with him. St. Paul reiterates this. Your friend knows what the Church says and doesn’t care because this is what “feels good.” Don’t meet the partner in sin, but offer up this (possibly) lost friendship for their conversion. It’s hard, I know. Trust me, I know, but it’s really the only moral option. To say “this is wrong, I oppose,” but going with it anyway is hypocrisy, and Christ doesn’t have kind words for the hypocrites. The world says “go with it.” Need I say more?
 
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