Should I be angry about this / anger in general

[buckr02]

Hello all,

I kind of have an anger problem when it comes to one friend of mine. I’ve posted about her before when I was trying to make her my girlfriend but now I’m trying to only be her friend and seek her happiness.

This anger issue always comes down to me thinking when something happens, it means she hates me. Most recently, it is this - we haven’t hung out, just the two of us, for several months and I wanted to do a movie/game night. Things didn’t work out last week and this Saturday and on Sunday she suggested Friday but I had plans but I decided she was more important so I was going to plan for Friday and cancel my other plans if need be. But in the time I decided that, she made plans with her friend from her dorm to watch a movie and go to bed early.

Now I’m mad because I feel like she should be willing to plan the movie with her friend some other time because we never get to see each other and they practically spend the day together every day.

I never know with situations like this whether I have a right to be mad or not. I try not to be mad about anything, even if I do have a “right” so to say, but it happens.

So how do I know which situations I’m just being silly about and which I am correct in my thinking? I try to compare to other friendships that I don’t worry about and that gets me out of trouble most times, but with stuff like this, I am unsure.

 

[Marycruz]

I would probably be frustrated too in that specific case, because she is the one who suggested Friday, and she went and found something else to do. I think it’s weird that she would go and make plans with someone she sees all the time, when she already told a friend she hasn’t spent time with for a long time that she would be available that night.

You said that you used to want her as a girlfriend, do you think that she might be afraid of spending time alone with you, because it could send you mixed signals? Is she aware that right now you only want to be a friend?

 

[noclevername]

YOU told her you were busy on Friday so she made plans to do something else. Why does it make you mad that she made plans with the other person and wouldn’t cancel? The time frame the plans were made doesn’t matter. How would you feel if you were the one she had plans with and the other friend asked her to do something so she broke her plans with you to go out wtih the other friend? I applaud this girl for not breaking commitments. She seems like a nice loyal person and I find it rude that you expect her to break her plans because you change your mind.

If this is making you mad, I don’t mean to but I feel like she is right and you are wrong.

And there is something else I feel like i need to point out. You sound like a very possessive person. Almost in a scary way. I would not want to be a friend of yours if you get mad that easily over something as trivial as who is playing with whom. You are very jealous of this girl and I’m not sure why you are jealous. Maybe because you still have feelings for her. Also, jealousy is a sin so you really need to self reflect on that a bit.

Another thing, if this girl knows that you want to date her it is probably in her best interest not to do anything one on one with you. It could put her in a very awkward position. Your jealously and anger issues should be a huge red flag for her as well. If I were that girl and you called me telling me you were angry because of the plans I have made you better believe that you would never see me again.

If I were you, I would just cut my losses and let her call you if she wants to do something and be ready to live with the fact that it might never happen.

 

[buckr02]

If this is making you mad, I don’t mean to but I feel like she is right and you are wrong.

The whole point of the thread was that I was unsure whether I was right or wrong. So while I appreciate your advice, you have a very rude way of saying it.

And there is something else I feel like i need to point out. You sound like a very possessive person. Almost in a scary way.

I find it pretty interesting that you have come to this conclusion over such little information.

Another thing, if this girl knows that you want to date her it is probably in her best interest not to do anything one on one with you. It could put her in a very awkward position. Your jealously and anger issues should be a huge red flag for her as well. If I were that girl and you called me telling me you were angry because of the plans I have made you better believe that you would never see me again.

If I were you, I would just cut my losses and let her call you if she wants to do something and be ready to live with the fact that it might never happen.

Thanks, but I didn’t ask.

If anyone out there has constructive comments, they will be welcomed.

 

[buckr02]

I would probably be frustrated too in that specific case, because she is the one who suggested Friday, and she went and found something else to do. I think it’s weird that she would go and make plans with someone she sees all the time, when she already told a friend she hasn’t spent time with for a long time that she would be available that night.

You said that you used to want her as a girlfriend, do you think that she might be afraid of spending time alone with you, because it could send you mixed signals? Is she aware that right now you only want to be a friend?

Yeah at this point I’ve had a few hours to think and I’m realizing that I did tell her that Friday wasn’t good originally. I guess my problem is that I’m always assuming she is lying or something and it just comes down to trust.

I don’t think, though, that she is afraid of spending time with me alone. I could understand why you would suggest that, but we’ve actually been friends for about five or six years so we kind of know how this is going. She is dating someone currently anyway, so she isn’t worried about me getting the wrong idea at this point (for other reasons too).

 

[Lerin]

It isn’t “feelings” that are wrong, but what we do about it. We can’t control our feelings, but we can choose to either dwell on them and let them hurt us or pray about them and release them to God.

I don’t know how I would feel in this situation. But it is definitely best to let go of anger as soon as possible… the Gospel is full of this advice. Holding onto anger can cause us to sin.

I hope you can pray about this and find peace!

 

[noclevername]

I am sorry if I angered you but I am a lot older than you and have a lot more life experiences and I still stand by what i said earlier. You will mature one day and realize that getting angry over these trivial matters is not worth it. And I am not calling you a child. I can tell you are in your very late teens or very early 20’s. Your brain has not yet finished developing. You have the gift of youth on your side. It is a good time to train yourself on controlling your anger and jealousy so it won’t be with you for a life time.

 

[MCGar]

Yeah at this point I’ve had a few hours to think and I’m realizing that I did tell her that Friday wasn’t good originally. I guess my problem is that I’m always assuming she is lying or something and it just comes down to trust.

I don’t think, though, that she is afraid of spending time with me alone. I could understand why you would suggest that, but we’ve actually been friends for about five or six years so we kind of know how this is going. She is dating someone currently anyway, so she isn’t worried about me getting the wrong idea at this point (for other reasons too).

If I had a friend that always or sometimes automatically assumes I’m lying…well…that wouldn’t be a friend that I would trust myself. You know?
I’m not trying to sound harsh but sometimes you have to pull yourself out of your perspective and try to see it from an outsider’s perspective.

You have to ask yourself, why do you always think she’s lying? If she is a lier by nature, then you do need to figure out if you really want to trust her. If she’s not a lier by nature than you need to figure out why you assume the worst in her.

Also, the thing about friendships is that they change. People grow different interests, different ways of interacting with others and start realizing how they want to conduct their friendships.

If she wants less interaction with you, then that doesn’t make her a bad person. It just means that things have changed.

 

[whatevergirl]

hi buck;

I know about your prior posts on this girl, and I think it is just plain old difficult to be genuinely a friend to someone you have romantic feelings for…I think that is why you are so angry over her canceling the plans. I think if she truly just a friend, it wouldn’t have troubled you so much…I know it’s tough, but I think you should really put some distance between you and this girl. I really think you will be much happier in the end. Hopefully this doesn’t come across too bluntly…but, know that I’m just trying to help.

 

[Marycruz]

Yeah at this point I’ve had a few hours to think and I’m realizing that I did tell her that Friday wasn’t good originally. I guess my problem is that I’m always assuming she is lying or something and it just comes down to trust.

I don’t think, though, that she is afraid of spending time with me alone. I could understand why you would suggest that, but we’ve actually been friends for about five or six years so we kind of know how this is going. She is dating someone currently anyway, so she isn’t worried about me getting the wrong idea at this point (for other reasons too).

Ok so she probably saw nothing wrong in making plans with her friends if you said that Friday wasn’t good…how could she guess that you would decide to cancel after? She probably saw your initial reaction as a green light to make other plans, like anyone else would have.

In my opinion, she just honestly though that you wouldn’t be available that night (normal reaction, since you told her that Friday wasn’t good, what else could she think) and made other plans, so there is no reason to get angry at all. I understand that you are probably sensitive to this since you used to have feelings for her, so maybe that it why you felt hurt.

I think that if something similar had happened with another friend you wouldn’t even think about it twice. She couldn’t guess that you were going to change your mind about Friday, and no one else would have been able to.

 

[noclevername]

The whole point of the thread was that I was unsure whether I was right or wrong. So while I appreciate your advice, you have a very rude way of saying it.

I find it pretty interesting that you have come to this conclusion over such little information.

Thanks, but I didn’t ask.

If anyone out there has constructive comments, they will be welcomed.

Well it sure is odd the people are tending to agree with me. They might not have been as forward as I was but the message is the same. hmmmmmm

 

[whatevergirl]

I am sorry if I angered you but I am a lot older than you and have a lot more life experiences and I still stand by what i said earlier. You will mature one day and realize that getting angry over these trivial matters is not worth it. And I am not calling you a child. I can tell you are in your very late teens or very early 20’s. Your brain has not yet finished developing. You have the gift of youth on your side. It is a good time to train yourself on controlling your anger and jealousy so it won’t be with you for a life time.

Now that I’m 40…it sure would be nice to have had the wisdom I have now, back in my 20’s! Sorry buck…just wanted to add that. Back to the topic at hand! lol

 

[buckr02]

Well it sure is odd the people are tending to agree with me. They might not have been as forward as I was but the message is the same. hmmmmmm

Since it is now Lent I will refrain from responding. But your lack of another response would be appreciated.

 

[buckr02]

hi buck;

I know about your prior posts on this girl, and I think it is just plain old difficult to be genuinely a friend to someone you have romantic feelings for…I think that is why you are so angry over her canceling the plans. I think if she truly just a friend, it wouldn’t have troubled you so much…I know it’s tough, but I think you should really put some distance between you and this girl. I really think you will be much happier in the end. Hopefully this doesn’t come across too bluntly…but, know that I’m just trying to help.

I have been trying to put distance in a way, but at the same time there are a lot of other factors playing into the whole thing. I still want to be good friends and whenever I consider trying to just distance myself, I realize that I care more about her happiness. The same thing happened tonight when I was thinking about this whole situation and I realized that me being mad won’t make her happy either way, so I try to put it behind me.

And you never come across too bluntly, don’t worry about that I always appreciate your advice.

 

[buckr02]

In my opinion, she just honestly though that you wouldn’t be available that night (normal reaction, since you told her that Friday wasn’t good, what else could she think) and made other plans, so there is no reason to get angry at all. I understand that you are probably sensitive to this since you used to have feelings for her, so maybe that it why you felt hurt.

Yeah I was just kind of assuming that since I was willing to cancel my plans she should be willing to do the same, which I know is selfish.

 

[Marycruz]

Yeah I was just kind of assuming that since I was willing to cancel my plans she should be willing to do the same, which I know is selfish.

I understand your reasoning, and you probably understand why she can’t be blamed for making other plans

I hope it works out next time!

 

[noclevername]

Since it is now Lent I will refrain from responding. But your lack of another response would be appreciated.

Now you know that will make me wnat to respond even more.

Seriously, just leave the girl alone for a while but let her know she can call anytime. If she wants to spend time with you then she will call.

 

[chevalier]

Yeah I was just kind of assuming that since I was willing to cancel my plans she should be willing to do the same, which I know is selfish.

You got it, Buck. It’s not selfish that you desire reciprocity, but it would be selfish to demand people to feel for us what we feel for them just because we feel it. It’s possible she first took it for face value and made other plans (which was nothing wrong since you weren’t available) and then didn’t want to cancel her plans… Sticking to her word or standing by previous arrangements?

The point is, you are attracted, she is not. You have a desire for her company, she may have a need for yours as a friend, but not *that *kind, meaning she’s much calmer in it. Being attracted makes a lot of difference and prevents us from seeing the proper perspective. For example, we assume that basic courtesy would require that our favours be returned - whereas ourselves we don’t act on courtesy as much as desires. Which those other people don’t have. I’ve been there and I know this stuff.