Should I Be Happy For My Dad's Relationship?

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Hi, my dad recently found himself a new girlfriend. He feels as if he is in love with her and says that he is hoping to one day marry her. As his son, the human side of me feels happy for him that he has found somebody that makes him happy. However, there are a few problems I see with it. My dad has been married twice and both of his marriages have ended in divorce. Keep in mind, my father is NOT Catholic. In fact, he unfortunately hates the Catholic Church. He knows that I am a practicing Catholic. He’s not a big fan of me being a practicing Catholic but he tolerates it.

My dad was first married to my mother (witnessed by a Methodist minister). When I was 2, they divorced. When I was about 7, he met my step mother and married her (witnessed by a Justice of the Peace) and they divorced in 2008. He seems to be breaking the command of Christ to remain with his spouse until death. Our Lord said that he who puts away his wife and takes another commits adultery and that whatever God joins together, no man shall separate. I, as his son, want him to be happy but at the same time, I don’t want him to live in constant sin, which he has seemed to do by divorcing my mother and remarrying and if he marries his current girlfriend, he will be committing the sin twice.

I had a phone conversation with him and he told me about his new relationship and I told him, “That’s great dad, I am happy for you. I can’t wait to meet her.” I look back on it and I feel like I have probably committed a sin by endorsing my father to sin. And I guess my biggest question is, “If they ever do end up getting married, should I support him, attend his wedding or feel happy about it?” And even though he says that he feels that this new woman could be the one for him, that’s exactly what he said about his second marriage and…BOOM…ends in divorce. I, of all things, don’t want that to happen to him again and then end up going on this whole divorce-and-remarry-for-the-rest-of-my-life streak. I would appreciate it if I could get some advice on how I should feel about my father’s new relationship, I would especially like to hear from a priest if possible; and please keep me, my father and his girlfriend in your prayers.

Thank you and God bless.
 
Catholic4Jesus said:
Hi, my dad recently found himself a new girlfriend. He feels as if he is in love with her and says that he is hoping to one day marry her. As his son, the human side of me feels happy for him that he has found somebody that makes him happy. However, there are a few problems I see with it. My dad has been married twice and both of his marriages have ended in divorce. Keep in mind, my father is NOT Catholic. In fact, he unfortunately hates the Catholic Church. He knows that I am a practicing Catholic. He’s not a big fan of me being a practicing Catholic but he tolerates it.

My dad was first married to my mother (witnessed by a Methodist minister). When I was 2, they divorced. When I was about 7, he met my step mother and married her (witnessed by a Justice of the Peace) and they divorced in 2008. He seems to be breaking the command of Christ to remain with his spouse until death. Our Lord said that he who puts away his wife and takes another commits adultery and that whatever God joins together, no man shall separate. I, as his son, want him to be happy but at the same time, I don’t want him to live in constant sin, which he has seemed to do by divorcing my mother and remarrying and if he marries his current girlfriend, he will be committing the sin twice.

I had a phone conversation with him and he told me about his new relationship and I told him, “That’s great dad, I am happy for you. I can’t wait to meet her.” I look back on it and I feel like I have probably committed a sin by endorsing my father to sin. And I guess my biggest question is, “If they ever do end up getting married, should I support him, attend his wedding or feel happy about it?” And even though he says that he feels that this new woman could be the one for him, that’s exactly what he said about his second marriage and…BOOM…ends in divorce. I, of all things, don’t want that to happen to him again and then end up going on this whole divorce-and-remarry-for-the-rest-of-my-life streak. I would appreciate it if I could get some advice on how I should feel about my father’s new relationship, I would especially like to hear from a priest if possible; and please keep me, my father and his girlfriend in your prayers.

Thank you and God bless.
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Okay, let’s take this step by step:

I’m assuming based on your background among the ultratraditionalists, that your mother is a baptized Catholic. Unless there’s a dispensation you don’t know about, his first marriage (with your mother) seems to lack validity due to lack of form, as a Catholic ordinarily must marry in a Catholic ceremony. I don’t know if your mother applied to the diocese for a lack of form, though this usually comes up if she got married to someone else. Of course, if no such thing were sought, as marriage enjoys the favor of the law, the church might for legal purposes consider her still married to your dad.

Assuming the marriage was declared invalid, he would be within his rights, assuming the second spouse was a non-Catholic, to marry her (if she was Catholic, it becomes a lack of form case again). However, assuming your stepmother is not a Catholic, he has entered, in the eyes of our Church, an indissoluble bond.

Now you say he is with another woman. Now that’s where things get complicated. Any such union would in the eyes of the Church be invalid. At the same time, as a non-Catholic, he would not think himself bound by the Church. Perhaps your ewgerness may have been a little premature, given the fact your Dad does not seem to appreciate the extent of efforts needed to subsist in a good marriage. You might tell him the previous sentence.

Of course, the best thing to do would be to talk to a priest you personally can trust. Or better yet a spiritual director if you have one.
 
Cojuanco said:
Okay, let’s take this step by step:

I’m assuming based on your background among the ultratraditionalists, that your mother is a baptized Catholic. Unless there’s a dispensation you don’t know about, his first marriage (with your mother) seems to lack validity due to lack of form, as a Catholic ordinarily must marry in a Catholic ceremony. I don’t know if your mother applied to the diocese for a lack of form, though this usually comes up if she got married to someone else. Of course, if no such thing were sought, as marriage enjoys the favor of the law, the church might for legal purposes consider her still married to your dad.

Assuming the marriage was declared invalid, he would be within his rights, assuming the second spouse was a non-Catholic, to marry her (if she was Catholic, it becomes a lack of form case again). However, assuming your stepmother is not a Catholic, he has entered, in the eyes of our Church, an indissoluble bond.

Now you say he is with another woman. Now that’s where things get complicated. Any such union would in the eyes of the Church be invalid. At the same time, as a non-Catholic, he would not think himself bound by the Church. Perhaps your ewgerness may have been a little premature, given the fact your Dad does not seem to appreciate the extent of efforts needed to subsist in a good marriage. You might tell him the previous sentence.

Of course, the best thing to do would be to talk to a priest you personally can trust. Or better yet a spiritual director if you have one.
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Thanks. Yes, I do come from a RadTrad background, my mom was raised with it and my grandma started to hit her hard with it when it first came out. My mom left the Church for a few years but it wasn’t until about 4 or 5 years ago when she started to embrace it once again. If my mom would’ve still continued to be a rad-trad at the time she met my father, they would’ve never have married and I would’ve never have been born. Yes, my dad’s 2nd wife is non-Catholic (she is a Baptist). My dad seems to be very serious about this relationship though. The reason why he married my mom is because he was having some problems and my mom was definitely having some problems and he just kind of felt sorry for her and they were willing to get married to each other feeling that their marriage could solve each other’s problems. The reason why my father married his 2nd wife is because (I don’t mean to slander my father) he and his girl slipped away and had an affair. When he found out that she was pregnant with his kid, they decided to get married because it would be a lot more convenient for them and it wouldn’t be as hard on them as a result of their “mistake.” They slipped away to a Justice of the Peace, got married and came back home. All of a sudden, out of the blue, he was moving into her house after just a few short months and just a few months before their child was born. I don’t want to give away too much information here. He got married to both of his wives for the wrong reasons and even though this future marriage (if it ever happens) may be for the right reasons, it will still be a sin against God if his previous marriage was valid. And although I want my dad to be happy, I don’t to endorse him to sin.
 
I would not be happy or unhappy about your dad’s relationships, because they don’t really have much to do with you…

I would take it as a gift of discernment on your part that you are negotiating in your mind what you would like in your life. You want a valid marriage. You don’t want divorce. Embrace these values in your life, but don’t judge your father-- it is his CHOICE we were given free will. However, this does not mean YOU are ok with this in YOUR life. That is the discernment part. You are separating your life from his because of your discernment. That’s ok… but you may not always be able to share some things with your dad, or discuss certain things, because you have a different value set.

You can love him, and his various girlfriends/ex’s etc., but that does not mean you are endorsing his actions. Don’t get sucked in tho— don’t settle or begin to say, well, I guess it doesn’t matter. That’s why it’s important to create healthy boundary for yourself. I’m not sure what that would be.

I have similar issue with my folks, my boundaries have involved, keeping the conversations light, not spending too much time or meals… for some reason, eating their food causes me to become not so happy. It’s weird. But, you will have to decide for yourself and ASK GOD how to handle them. Above all, love your Dad and find things to tell him you are proud of him. No one is perfect, we all have our faults…

It may be difficult, if you are not married, to not fall into your dad’s behavior even if you don’t like it, because it’s soooo familiar and you are used to seeing it. So, I would try to surround yourself with men who are in great Catholic marriages, as much as possible. satan knows this is a tricky point for you and will attack it. So… be prepared.

Hope this helps!
 
I agree with the previous poster that you should not feel that your dad’s decisions are personally related to you. It is obvious that you don’t want the same life for yourself and that is great. And that is the most important thing here: learn something from your family of origin, even if that is how not to live your life. If you are happy for him, that’s fine. He’s not divorcing your mother over this woman so it really doesn’t concern you. You don’t have to be involved in his love life and what you said to him sounds like a nice way to address it.
 
Not knowing your age makes it hard to respond. But I will try

First, if you want a priest’s opinion, you can go to your local parish. However, no one can tell you how to feel !!! It is hard to control our feelings. You can control your actions and try to change your thinking, but your feelings are 100% from you not what someone else says.

If you are under 21, I would not say anything. However, I do think saying ‘I am glad for you’ is probably what most people would say on the spot yet, not the best response. If you are over 21 I would be honest. ‘Dad I was thinking about your new girlfriend and I actually don’t think it is a good idea. I know you hate my religion, but my conscious obliges me to state for the record I do not think it is right to date when one is divorced’

Then expect him to react and just say ‘I say this out of concern and to let you know where I stand but I respect your decision’. And then NEVER bring it up again.

As Catholics, we have an obligation to help lead others to heaven. IMO that means stating our opinion once for the record (because maybe others are unaware of the teachings) and then once we have made them aware, we imitate Jesus and respect their free will

Angie
 
Catholic4Jesus said:
Thanks. Yes, I do come from a RadTrad background, …
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what’s a “RadTrad”?

the commandment says to honor your father. it doesn’t put any conditions on that obligation. moreover, if you want to protect your inheritance, you’ll be wanting to wish the happy couple all the best.
 
Fairwinds said:
what’s a “RadTrad”?

the commandment says to honor your father. it doesn’t put any conditions on that obligation. moreover, if you want to protect your inheritance, you’ll be wanting to wish the happy couple all the best.
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Which inheritance? The financial one that is secular? Or the one in Heaven?
 
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
You are a beautiful Child of Christ and He is Blessing you through your words spoken!

The fact that you are following His Christian Scriptures and Teachings; you will be rewarded greatly throughout your Soul journey!

I would be praying for your Dad during The Holy Rosary at least once a day with your requests, the Holy Souls in Purgatory and World Peace.
 
Fairwinds said:
what’s a “RadTrad”?

the commandment says to honor your father. it doesn’t put any conditions on that obligation. moreover, if you want to protect your inheritance, you’ll be wanting to wish the happy couple all the best.
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Pretty sure it stands for “Radical Traditionalist.”
 
You are under no obligation to be happy for either of your parents’ relationships. This is a fallacy dreamed up by school guidance counselors. You are obligated to be respectful to your father and his new girl friend and treat them with common courtesy. You have a right to respectfully decline to be involved in any activity that makes you uncomfortable or that you find immoral. (ie. staying in the house where they are cohabitating or witnessing an invalid wedding.) You should do your best to keep communication open with your father and spend time with him as family comes first.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Pretty sure it stands for “Radical Traditionalist.”
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interesting. seems ominous. all latiny?

I didn’t notice any discussion of age difference, which could be a warming flag if its too great. there have been schemes where older widowers have been scammed by their much younger “girlfriends”. very hard to unwind after property is transferred and bank accounts emptied.
 
Fairwinds said:
interesting. seems ominous. all latiny?
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Rad Trad is nowadays used as an offensive term for those Catholics who prefer the old rite and are really into everything traditional. Nothing ominous about that, trust me.
 
lily22 said:
It may be difficult, if you are not married, to not fall into your dad’s behavior even if you don’t like it, because it’s soooo familiar and you are used to seeing it. So, I would try to surround yourself with men who are in great Catholic marriages, as much as possible. satan knows this is a tricky point for you and will attack it. So… be prepared.

Hope this helps!
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Yes, I pray to our Blessed Mother a lot for that reason. I ask her. “Mother Mary, please pray for me that I may not lose my faith and fall for the evils of those around me.” (or something along those lines) I also pray for the forgiveness of the sins of those whom I know and love as well as my own daily sins. I try to talk religion with my father to the minimum because, even though I would love to see him convert, I don’t think it will happen anytime soon and he’ll probably say something or show me something that could possibly scandalize me and cause me to lose my faith. Even though he tolerates the fact that I am a practicing Catholic, he tries at times to get me to “wake up” and tries to convince me about how “evil” the Church is for its sex abuse scandals, the Crusades, its teachings are “illogical” and irrelavent to modern man. The Church wouldn’t have sex abuse scandals happen if priests were allowed to marry and telling someone he’s not allowed to marry is like taking a fish out of water and telling him he’s not allowed to swim. Celibacy is outdated and irrelavent to modern man and goes against the natural instincts of human beings. The Church could care less about your soul. they’ll tell you anything you want to hear just to get their hands on your money, etc. He tries to tell me this, he shows me books, he brings up articles, etc. It never works on me…THANK GOD. But I am hoping that it will continue to stay that way and that one day, God willing, my dad will wake up and become a Catholic. He claims to have had a Philosophy professor in college who was a former Catholic priest who left the Church and became an atheist and he learned a lot of his anti-Catholic “lies” from him. My father has somewhat of a Christian faith. He never goes to Church, prays or reads a Bible (at least I’ve never seen him do it) and was raised in the Methodist Church but my grandparents are certainly not anti-Catholic (thank God). I just pray for him a lot and feel sorry for him.
 
My husband is atcually in the same situation as you sort of, but with a few differences.

He is catholic but doesn’t practice it.

He first married my husband’s biological Mother when my husband was just 2 years old.They married in a catholic church. They divorced when he was 5. By this time my husband’s sister had also come along too and she was just a little over a year.

They lived with their Mother for a bit while their Father battled her for custody and won. This divorce took place 25 years ago and that man is still bitter about her not giving him any money. She wasn’t exactly stable and he feels that since she wasn’t that her parents should have gave him money.

When my husband was 13, his father married his second wife. They married in a baptist church.The part about this that has always amused us was that he told us that he had doubts about it from the minute he saw her coming down the aisle, but went ahead with it anyway. This lady brought her 2 sons into this family, who she had from her previous marriage. This woman caused a lot of painto my father in law, sister in law, and husband with her selfish, controlling behavior. They were married for 6 years when they divorced. It was a brutal one too. Ended even more badly then the first one.

He’s now on his third marriage. He married this lady in Las Vegas. They eloped there an nobody knew about it. He actually lied about it which really hurt my sister in law’s feelings. This new woman he’s been with for 2 years. She’s very very unstable and behaves like a spoiled little brat. She’s almost 51 years old and still throws temper tantrums. Last year she and I had a falling out because she publicly humiliated me on facebook. I have since forgiven her but she refuses to be in the same room as me. My husband went to try and talk to her but she started screaming at him and crying that everyone hates her and went in the bedroom and slammed the door.

It’s been a long rough road for my husband. He and I keep very limited contact with his Father because of everything that went down with this third marriage. We pray daily. I suggest you do the same. No such thing as too much prayer. I too will pray for you as well. I would also suggest speaking with your parish priest or a trusted elder in your parish. Best of luck.
 
Fairwinds said:
what’s a “RadTrad”?

the commandment says to honor your father. it doesn’t put any conditions on that obligation. moreover, if you want to protect your inheritance, you’ll be wanting to wish the happy couple all the best.
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Radical Traditionalists (Sedevacantism, SSPX, etc).
 
jazzy0710 said:
My husband is atcually in the same situation as you sort of, but with a few differences.

This new woman he’s been with for 2 years. She’s very very unstable and behaves like a spoiled little brat. She’s almost 51 years old and still throws temper tantrums. Last year she and I had a falling out because she publicly humiliated me on facebook. I have since forgiven her but she refuses to be in the same room as me. My husband went to try and talk to her but she started screaming at him and crying that everyone hates her and went in the bedroom and slammed the door.
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Yeah, I don’t mean to slander my mother or anything. But this 51 year old woman that you mentioned sounds so much like my own mother. Scary isn’t it?
 
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