Should I be his Confirmation Sponsor?

[SuwaeNSDG]

I was recently asked to be a confirmation sponsor for my nephew, who will be confirmed in May, 2012. I was honored to be asked and gladly accepted the responsibility to be his spiritual advisor and see that he was following church teachings. Recently, I noticed his Facebook posts and his use of VERY bad language, along with his views concerning homosexuality, and idolizing musicians such as Marilyn Manson who claims to be the Anti-Christ. My husband decided to ask him why he found Marilyn Manson’s poetry so amazing and he got defensive and told him that we are all allowed to have our own opinions. I feel like he is going through the motions of taking confirmation classes because his friends are, but isn’t trying to live a life according to Church teachings and doesn’t seem willing to try. Unfortunately, his sister who is only 13 years old, has also been using bad language on Facebook and when I addressed her mother she quickly became defensive and told me to mind my own business (to say it nicely). I don’t feel that my sister wants me intervening in their lives and calling her on how her kids are acting, yet she gives them free reign on the internet etc. I was thinking of writing my nephew a letter explaining his responsibility as a confirmation candidate, my responsibility to him and asking him if he’s willing to lead a Christian life and work on changing his behavior. As his aunt, I will always be there to help guide him spiritually; however I feel that if he’s not willing to work on theses issues, I don’t feel that I should be his sponsor. Is it wrong to back out of the responsibility if he’s not willing to change? Should I be his sponsor regardless in hopes that I can help change his views some day?

 

[puzzleannie]

most confirmation programs include as part of the discernment process an interview with the candidate, sponsor and pastor or his representative. Call the parish and ask if this is in the plan and if not ask to speak directly with the pastor–a priest, not a DRE, catechist or secretary–and share your concerns. The priest is the one who stands up and declares to the bishop the candidates are ready. The main role of the sponsor–and one seldom taken with the seriousness and charity you display–is to ascertain on the part of the Church if the candidate in fact wants the sacrament and wants to live the Christian life. God bless you, wish all my candidates had sponsors (and parents) who care this much.

if the parent is telling you to butt out of the child’s life, then tell her you must decline being a sponsor because it is part of your role to “butt into” his Christian life as a mentor. If she does not want you to fulfill your role then you cannot take it on.

 

[1ke]

I was recently asked to be a confirmation sponsor for my nephew, who will be confirmed in May, 2012. I was honored to be asked and gladly accepted the responsibility to be his spiritual advisor and see that he was following church teachings. Recently, I noticed his Facebook posts and his use of VERY bad language, along with his views concerning homosexuality, and idolizing musicians such as Marilyn Manson who claims to be the Anti-Christ. My husband decided to ask him why he found Marilyn Manson’s poetry so amazing and he got defensive and told him that we are all allowed to have our own opinions. I feel like he is going through the motions of taking confirmation classes because his friends are, but isn’t trying to live a life according to Church teachings and doesn’t seem willing to try. Unfortunately, his sister who is only 13 years old, has also been using bad language on Facebook and when I addressed her mother she quickly became defensive and told me to mind my own business (to say it nicely). I don’t feel that my sister wants me intervening in their lives and calling her on how her kids are acting, yet she gives them free reign on the internet etc. I was thinking of writing my nephew a letter explaining his responsibility as a confirmation candidate, my responsibility to him and asking him if he’s willing to lead a Christian life and work on changing his behavior. As his aunt, I will always be there to help guide him spiritually; however I feel that if he’s not willing to work on theses issues, I don’t feel that I should be his sponsor. Is it wrong to back out of the responsibility if he’s not willing to change? Should I be his sponsor regardless in hopes that I can help change his views some day?

I wouldn’t write a letter. I would talk to him. Otherwise, I think your approach is sound.

 

[Leegal]

Should I be his sponsor regardless in hopes that I can help change his views some day?

Yes, be the sponsor. You have voiced your concerns to your sister; that’s all you can do if she does not want to take them off of FB or do something about the postings on FB.

But, by being a sponsor he may be the very person he will need in his life as an example. He’s young and you have plenty of time to influence him in better ways. Obviously, he asked you so you are not entirely without influence.

As for the music, he’ll outgrow it – and you will be there.

 

[Katie966]

I think it is a good idea to talk to him, to find out his commitment to being confirmed and be better able to determine whether you’d be comfortable being his sponsor.

I would, however, advise against judging him based solely on Facebook posts. Remember that Facebook is really only a picture of what you want people to see of you, and that some people, especially teenagers, use it to get attention. It may not necessarily reflect what he believes but rather what he thinks makes him look good to his friends. It’s inappropriate, yes, and is worth talking to him about, but I’d try to find out where he’s really coming from before deciding not to be his sponsor based on a social networking site. And don’t write a letter- talk to him. If after that you still feel he’s headed down the wrong path and isn’t taking it seriously, then so be it- nothing wrong with choosing not to be his sponsor.

As a side note, I was a sponsor for someone who, at 16, was not living the most holy teenage life. Aside from his language, he was engaging in other inappropriate behaviors, but I knew he loved God and wanted to be confirmed. He was by no means a bad person, but a little misguided at the time. Now, several years later, he’s a wonderful, caring young man who takes his faith seriously. Praying for your nephew and leading by your spiritual example can do a lot for him, even if you don’t end up sponsoring him, and especially if you do.

 

[rhiannonh]

I was recently asked to be a confirmation sponsor for my nephew, who will be confirmed in May, 2012. I was honored to be asked and gladly accepted the responsibility to be his spiritual advisor and see that he was following church teachings. Recently, I noticed his Facebook posts and his use of VERY bad language, along with his views concerning homosexuality, and idolizing musicians such as Marilyn Manson who claims to be the Anti-Christ. My husband decided to ask him why he found Marilyn Manson’s poetry so amazing and he got defensive and told him that we are all allowed to have our own opinions. I feel like he is going through the motions of taking confirmation classes because his friends are, but isn’t trying to live a life according to Church teachings and doesn’t seem willing to try. Unfortunately, his sister who is only 13 years old, has also been using bad language on Facebook and when I addressed her mother she quickly became defensive and told me to mind my own business (to say it nicely). I don’t feel that my sister wants me intervening in their lives and calling her on how her kids are acting, yet she gives them free reign on the internet etc. I was thinking of writing my nephew a letter explaining his responsibility as a confirmation candidate, my responsibility to him and asking him if he’s willing to lead a Christian life and work on changing his behavior. As his aunt, I will always be there to help guide him spiritually; however I feel that if he’s not willing to work on theses issues, I don’t feel that I should be his sponsor. Is it wrong to back out of the responsibility if he’s not willing to change? Should I be his sponsor regardless in hopes that I can help change his views some day?

Yes
Sounds like he needs you all the more.
But I know that he will not turn to you obviously. Be interested in his activity but try to be without judgement. Don’t worry about what on facebook page though legally he is too young for facebook if he is only13. But that seperate issue. Allow him to spread is freedom a little because that is what he is doing.
He is learning to explore life and yes some of his opinions for now will go against what you both think and the church. Its a natural part of growing up. Growing Pains aint easy. He wil have delibarate different opinions from you. Treat that as normal growing up and in time he will be able to decide whats right for him what is opinion is. To do so he needs to explore whats out there. Don’t worry about what his opinions are, try to accept that they will be different and some will be radical to you, even if to shock you.
The parish priest will actually be quite used to normal growing pains of teens and will have been through his own too. Sounds like your nephew is being human. He be defensive at first because not used to having opinions and it kind of typical that adults jump on them for thinking different. I wonder if you can remember your own growing pains?
Only be his spiritual director if you can meet him half way at least and allow him to throughly talk about issues his way and not ‘your’ way. A good priest is very good at meeting the person in they are in conversation with and letting them explore whatever is on their mind. Can you do this for you nephew as he goes through classes? There be many a thing/concept he wont understand. You’re there to help him. Not tell him, but help him. to be able to have full discussions at his ‘chosen times’.

 

[I_love_rocks]

SuweaNSDG, my thoughts are somewhere in the middle of the others.
Here’s what I’m thinking when I read this. You have a doubt. Your conscience is convicting you of something. Listen to that. It doesn’t mean ‘don’t be his sponsor’. It doesn’t mean ignore it and go ahead anyway. It means slow it down.
As his sponsor, and later his God parent, you have an obligation to God and to him. That’s a serious matter. I respect that you are struggling and looking for feedback. It means that you are taking that responsibility seriously. And none of us can stand in judgment for your choices or your conscience.
I do want him to be confirmed, but not at any price. And not at your expense. But, he doesn’t have to be confirmed - pushed through the turnstile on your watch - so that he ‘keeps up with the rest of his class’, ignoring the fact that there’s a reason why you think he’s a candidate, but a candidate with a little more work to do to be ready.
I’d suggest, give him that time to get ready. Pray the rosary for him. Pray several rosaries for him. And let one of those intentions be to ask God to give him a deep, un-ignorable hunger for holiness. A desire to return to the Sacraments. Especially Reconciliation. Pray for the graces from our Lord to fall upon him and have God’s intended effect on him.
I do not think you should follow his mom’s advice. As a reference I would cite Psalm 1:1. Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in meditating on the law of the Lord day and night. He is like a tree planted by a stream whose leaf does not wither… I’m sorry if that’s not exact. I’m going from memory here. The advice she is giving you - to mind your own business (nicely put), is wicked. It does not line up with the Word of God.
So you’re left feeling unsettled.
Certainly meet with the priest. And talk directly to him (your nephew). Let him know first, how much you love him. Let him know that you take this role very seriously and want him to live in the abundance of God’s mercy. And that you have a concern when you read his FaceBook. Regardless of whether he is trying to fit in, or whether it is his own desires on that site, it’s there and there’s no denying it or rationalizing it. And it’s a concern.
PuzzleAnnie is correct. You have an obligation to “butt in”. IF he continues to want your support and guidance. And if so, this is the support and guidance you will offer. Explain the goal of confirmation. Explain your role as his Sponsor - to guide him in spiritual matters. And you take that role seriously. Perhaps others would not. You don’t stand in judgment for others’ choices. You can only be accountable for your own stuff.
Tell him you believe in him and think he has what it takes to prepare for this sacrament and to participate in the graces of the church, but some things have to be addressed. And it may not happen on his time line if you don’t - in good conscience - feel that he’s ready. Explain that you are standing with him and he is being presented to God to receive favor, and merit, and graces, and it’s a big deal. He was given graces he did not have before in his Baptism. This Sacrament is quickening those graces inside of him and you want him to be informed and instructed, and properly prepared to receive them so that he knows how to use them.
The ‘choosing’ to continue will ultimately be his choice. You have concerns. You want to address those concerns, regardless of the other advice around you (your sister). IF he wants YOU to be his Sponsor / God Mother, then you have an obligation to do it correctlym and you cannot proceed until you’ve resolved the issues. If he sees the love and deep compassion that drives you to slow the process down a bit while you fine tune a few things, then great. If he doesn’t then you don’t make the choice. You’ve established your healthy boundaries. If you’re going to do this, you’re going to do it right, and present him to God prepared. If he choses someone else who will ‘get on-board’ with the timeline without giving him any grief about his choices or sins, then that is his choice and you respect it. He is free to make that choice. Personally, I think you would be the excellent choice because you love him, and because you want to do it right.
See, you don’t have to make the choice. Yes or no. You have to continue to choose him and pray for him, and follow God’s plan. He has to make a choice. You continue to be attentive to the Holy Spirit and to protect him the best you can by putting up boundaries that will establish a minimum standard. You’re looking for willingness to work with you. You’re looking for the beginnings of a desire for God and His ways. A starting point. You can work with willingness. Willingness is all God asks of us when we’re getting started. So offer God YOUR willlingness to do it His Way, and to fearlessly lead others to God His Way, and to not negotiate your boundaries or move them against your conscience, but to listen to the conscience God has given you for the purpose of protecting you from walking away from His path. Does that help?

 

[TryingToLearn]

Absolutely be his sponsor. You are a good and faithful practicing Catholic, you can give him the example and guidance he needs to become a good and practicing Catholic confirmed in his faith. The role of sponsor is not just some ceremonial formality, it’s a sacred duty to assist in the faith formation of young Catholics.

He or his mother may have had the wrong reason for choosing you as his sponsor. They may not understand what God is trying to teach us, but God chose you to be one of the instruments to bring him closer to Him.

Be his sponsor. Don’t necessarily preach, lecture or make demands that he change his ways. But stay true to what you know is Truth, set the example, talk with him about the things that give you concern in loving ways that will help draw him to the Church and not drive him away.

As a Confirmation teacher, sadly I see far too many kids that don’t have any good faith model in their lives, not their parents, not their sponsors, only what they see at Church on Sundays and again Wednesday nights. You have been invited to be a model in his live, to help him in this final sacrament of initiation, help him.

 

[joanofarc2008]

Yes I think you should be the sponsor but only if you are allowed to be a part of his life. If you are being told to butt out then no you should not be his sponsor. I think you should take him out for a cup of coffee/hot chocolate and talk to him face to face about what your role is as a confirmation sponsor and what he thinks of that.