Should I be okay with this?

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cojrio

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My girlfriend and I are devout Catholics (doesn’t really have anything to do with that though), and this isn’t that big of a deal, really, but it’s something that has been giving me a bit of grief and I really need my mind to be put at ease.

The night before my 21st birthday (my girlfriend is already 21), we went to my friend’s house to go study. I thought it would just be myself, him, and my girlfriend, studying. When we got there, there were a whole bunch of guys over there. They are all our mutual friends from church, so no big deal. But when my friend and I sat down to study, she sat down in the other room, with the rest of the guys, and they opened up and drank some beers, and they socialized, all while myself and my other underage friend studied.

Should I be upset about this? I just haven’t been able to get over it, the fact that I thought we would be studying together but instead, she hung out in the other room with a bunch of guys, having a beer with them, the NIGHT before my 21st birthday.

How should I feel?
 
I’d say reactions to this situation could be all over the place - ranging from totally no big deal to something that (obviously) bothered you.

Sounds like something the two of you should have a heart to heart conversation about. :o
 
Thank you.

We’ve talked about it before, and she has apologized that my feelings got hurt, which is cool, but she doesn’t think she did anything wrong.

How would others feel about this? Should I be upset? What should I do to ease my own mind?
 
Yeah - when something bothers you, you should be able to discuss it with your gf. But it would be nice if you could discuss it in a non-accusatory way. She hasn’t really done anything wrong - she may not have known you were bothered by it - So to come down hard on her for it - may come across as controlling.

I try to reverse the roles. What if you did something - perhaps minor - that you didn’t know you did - but you gf was upset by it? Would you prefer that she tell you - or would you prefer that she sit quietly and get upset by thinking about it?

And if you would prefer that she tell you - how would you react the best? How should she broach the subject that you did something that bothered her?
 
Unless she implied that she was going to give you help you needed in preparing for an exam and then failed you, I don’t think she did a thing wrong. If, for instance, you two were to become physicians and one of you couldn’t drink because you would be starting a shift shortly, of course you wouldn’t expect everyone else to abstain because you couldn’t drink. If you had charts to do on your computer, you would have your excuse for not being able to join the social group, but you wouldn’t expect everyone else to disperse because you couldn’t join them. If your wife was pregnant and could neither drink nor stay up late because of her condition, she wouldn’t expect you to abstain from drinking and socializing until the baby came.

It would have been rude of them to taunt you for not being able to join, but it is not rude to enjoy alcohol around people who can’t drink for some reason, provided that those who can’t have alcohol are offered something that they can have. Your life will be full of that kind of instance after you turn 21, so the same rules apply before as after.

What you should do to ease your mind is to remember that this will not be the first or the last time that you and your girlfriend (and later your wife) will need to cope with being the one who can’t drink or can’t join in with the socializing. It will happen, and there will be other times when you will be able to join in.
 
cojrio said:
How would others feel about this? Should I be upset? What should I do to ease my own mind?
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Would I be upset?

Well, if i really wanted to study - and i was distracted that others in the same apartment were enjoying themselves - and that distraction caused me not to be able to concentrate - then I can see why it would be bothersome.

Am i upset that she is enjoying a beer with male friends when i am not right there with her? (would you be upset if she were in the other room enjoying a beer with girl friends?)

Are you upset that she wasn’t studying when she came over for that purpose? Are you worried about her grades?

So, first try to examine why you are troubled by this. (Were you jealous? Were you distracted? were you disappointed in her? Were you tempted to skip your own studying?)
 
shainski said:
Would I be upset?

Well, if i really wanted to study - and i was distracted that others in the same apartment were enjoying themselves - and that distraction caused me not to be able to concentrate - then I can see why it would be bothersome.

Am i upset that she is enjoying a beer with male friends when i am not right there with her? (would you be upset if she were in the other room enjoying a beer with girl friends?)

Are you upset that she wasn’t studying when she came over for that purpose? Are you worried about her grades?

So, first try to examine why you are troubled by this. (Were you jealous? Were you distracted? were you disappointed in her? Were you tempted to skip your own studying?)
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^this. 👍
 
In my world, people who are of age are not required to refrain from drinking in the presense of those who are not of age. I don’t see a problem there. I would be a little more annoyed at having felt ignored. Obviously, there’s no reason she can’t drink her beer in the same room as you. Maybe she didn’t realize that you wanted her to spend time with you? Maybe she thought you were busy studying and didn’t want to be disturbed by the unrelated conversation?
 
It wasn’t your birthday (sorry, “night before” doesn’t count), all she was doing was talking with some mutual friends, you studied as you had planned to do – I really don’t see anything to be upset about.

You really should try to figure out why this is bothering you so much. It could be a problem in your relationship, if you’re going to be upset whenever she isn’t right by your side.
cojrio said:
My girlfriend and I are devout Catholics (doesn’t really have anything to do with that though), and this isn’t that big of a deal, really, but it’s something that has been giving me a bit of grief and I really need my mind to be put at ease.

The night before my 21st birthday (my girlfriend is already 21), we went to my friend’s house to go study. I thought it would just be myself, him, and my girlfriend, studying. When we got there, there were a whole bunch of guys over there. They are all our mutual friends from church, so no big deal. But when my friend and I sat down to study, she sat down in the other room, with the rest of the guys, and they opened up and drank some beers, and they socialized, all while myself and my other underage friend studied.

Should I be upset about this? I just haven’t been able to get over it, the fact that I thought we would be studying together but instead, she hung out in the other room with a bunch of guys, having a beer with them, the NIGHT before my 21st birthday.

How should I feel?
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It’s infantilizing. Her intention might not have been to make you feel less-than, but obviously that was a potential outcome. By leaving you with the other underage person and spending time with a group of other men, she created a tension that really shouldn’t have been there.

Perhaps she should consider the roles reversed, where you went to have a good time with a group of women, leaving her in some other room. She might claim that wouldn’t upset her, but for most women, I doubt that is the case. It’s even more so with men, though.

Part of the challenge of a relationship is understanding these kinds of issues and considering the other person. You make sacrifices for the other. In that sense, you could sacrifice your feelings so she could go have a good time with those other men, but in order for that to happen, I think she needs to be at least considerate of those feelings. Then it becomes an issue of mutual respect.

So in the end, perhaps the same actions could be taken, but with mutual respect and sensitivity, it doesn’t become an issue.
 
You can’t help your feelings, they just happen but letting them cause you to be upset for very long would be a shame. If this girl is important to you then give her a chance to hear how you felt and respond. You may be very surprised by her response. But, for a relationship to survive the ups and downs of conflict you do have to communicate, begin now and hope it goes well.
 
The reasons it made me feel bad:

We were planning on studying together, and instead she hung out with a group of guys in another room. Not sure why that one’s so hard to believe, or why everyone here is telling me that it’s super normal and shouldn’t upset me.

She drank beer with them. I thought that was a pretty insensitive thing to do, considering her boyfriend, a minor, was in the other room. I think if she was even a little bit empathetic and respectful of my feelings, she would have realized that it was inappropriate, and that she would have hated it if the roles were reversed. Maybe I’m wrong in feeling like that.
 
cojrio said:
The reasons it made me feel bad:

We were planning on studying together, and instead she hung out with a group of guys in another room. Not sure why that one’s so hard to believe, or why everyone here is telling me that it’s super normal and shouldn’t upset me.

She drank beer with them. I thought that was a pretty insensitive thing to do, considering her boyfriend, a minor, was in the other room. I think if she was even a little bit empathetic and respectful of my feelings, she would have realized that it was inappropriate, and that she would have hated it if the roles were reversed. Maybe I’m wrong in feeling like that.
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I’m not saying it is a “super-normal thing” to do. But, when i was your age, i just didn’t care enough about alcohol to care if someone were in another room drinking. It’s not that I didn’t drink - I just wouldn’t have cared.

But you do. And that was what I was trying to get at. She did something that bothered you. Then, that begs the question: Did she know that it would bother you? Should she have known it would bother you?

As I said. If i was serious about studying - I might even be relieved that my gf was not distracting me. Although, I can understand the feeling that you are missing out on all the fun in the other room, while you are studying.

Someone can’t be failing to be empathetic about your feelings if she doesn’t know that it bothers you. I suspect that you would have been just as upset if she were in the other room with women watching reruns of “I love lucy” - because she wasn’t studying with you. (What I am trying to do is separate whether you were bothered that she was:
  1. having fun,
  2. having fun with men while you were not with her,
  3. Not studying by your side
  4. drinking alcohol when you were not legally old enough to do so
    or something else.
You may not be wrong to feel like you do - but don’t expect her to be a mind-reader to know what it is that you didn’t like. That is where establishing good communication with her will help her understand what it is that bothers you (Because, I still am not sure exactly what it is that really bothered you)
 
cojrio said:
The reasons it made me feel bad:

We were planning on studying together, and instead she hung out with a group of guys in another room. Not sure why that one’s so hard to believe, or why everyone here is telling me that it’s super normal and shouldn’t upset me.

She drank beer with them. I thought that was a pretty insensitive thing to do, considering her boyfriend, a minor, was in the other room. I think if she was even a little bit empathetic and respectful of my feelings, she would have realized that it was inappropriate, and that she would have hated it if the roles were reversed. Maybe I’m wrong in feeling like that.
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The first issue is somewhat reasonable. Did you let her know what you wanted when it was happening? (ex. “Hey, I thought you were going to help me study!” or "I miss you baby! Come back!) I think it is an easy mistake to make if you didn’t say anything, that you might want quiet while you are studying. Perhaps she intended to have a quick conversation and just got caught up in whatever they were talking about. If this is an ongoing issue, then I can understand you being a little annoyed, but if this is the first time, I think you might be a little over-sensitive.

In my opinion, the drinking part is a little immature. She was grown and you weren’t. Have you expected her to abstain from alchohol in your presence during your entire relationship? If you’d have told me that, I’d have told you to come back when you grew up. (and I don’t even drink frequently! It’s just the principle of the thing!) Right now, I’m pregnant and I don’t expect everyone around me to abstain from drinking, papaya, and non-steaming deli meat! That would be completely rediculous! If I went on some sort of diet, I wouldn’t be annoyed if other people ate a cookie! I don’t throw a fit if my non-practicing friends eat a cheeseburger on a Friday during Lent! I know feelings aren’t always in our control, but sometimes we have to say to our feelings, “You guys really aren’t being sensible, fair, or realistic and I’m not going to let you effect my attitude or behavior any longer.”
 
cojrio said:
The reasons it made me feel bad:

We were planning on studying together, and instead she hung out with a group of guys in another room. Not sure why that one’s so hard to believe, or why everyone here is telling me that it’s super normal and shouldn’t upset me.

She drank beer with them. I thought that was a pretty insensitive thing to do, considering her boyfriend, a minor, was in the other room. I think if she was even a little bit empathetic and respectful of my feelings, she would have realized that it was inappropriate, and that she would have hated it if the roles were reversed. Maybe I’m wrong in feeling like that.
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It isn’t uncommon in college for a group of people to be in the other room socializing while someone is in another room studying. I think you are upset for no reason. I met my husband in college and if he told me that he was upset because I had a few beers with his fraternity brothers while he was studying I would have gave him the I-think-you-are-being-ridiculous look. I also know that when boyfriends and girlfriends try to study together, they usually don’t. Not that you would do anything wrong, just studying isn’t always top priority.
I think you are either jealous because she was spending time with other boys or you are upset that you couldn’t have a beer when they could. Either way, I think you are upset for no reason.
 
Allegra said:
The first issue is somewhat reasonable. Did you let her know what you wanted when it was happening? (ex. “Hey, I thought you were going to help me study!” or "I miss you baby! Come back!) I think it is an easy mistake to make if you didn’t say anything, that you might want quiet while you are studying. Perhaps she intended to have a quick conversation and just got caught up in whatever they were talking about. If this is an ongoing issue, then I can understand you being a little annoyed, but if this is the first time, I think you might be a little over-sensitive.

In my opinion, the drinking part is a little immature. She was grown and you weren’t. Have you expected her to abstain from alchohol in your presence during your entire relationship? If you’d have told me that, I’d have told you to come back when you grew up. (and I don’t even drink frequently! It’s just the principle of the thing!) Right now, I’m pregnant and I don’t expect everyone around me to abstain from drinking, papaya, and non-steaming deli meat! That would be completely rediculous! If I went on some sort of diet, I wouldn’t be annoyed if other people ate a cookie! I don’t throw a fit if my non-practicing friends eat a cheeseburger on a Friday during Lent! I know feelings aren’t always in our control, but sometimes we have to say to our feelings, “You guys really aren’t being sensible, fair, or realistic and I’m not going to let you effect my attitude or behavior any longer.”
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This is pretty much my thinking as well. If she knew how much it would upset you to hang out with other people and still did it then that is very problematic. However, if it was just a mistake due to a lack of understanding between the two of you then it isn’t something you should hold against her, misunderstandings happen.
 
For what it’s worth, this is problematic on many levels. To me this is almost as if you were walking past a bar, that a bunch of GUYS you both knew were going in, and she asked you if you didn’t mind waiting while she had a beer or two inside with those fellows AND didn’t wait to hear your answer. I mean she had to have those beers on that night when you couldn’t join in, on top of that it was agreed (from my understanding) that this was supposed to be an evening spent studying. Did you notice she had some kind of closer relationship/attraction with/to any of those guys? Let’s just say she’s not the most respectful and considerate person I’ve ever heard of. Of course my own judgement can be clouded by my insecurity and minimal self-esteem, I’ll grant you that. I hope you’re not passive aggressive, because if it were me, I’d find a way to subtly get back at her (overly complimenting/giving a shoulder massage to a girl she feels less beautiful than/intimidated by/in competition with and so on and so forth). Perhaps this is one isolated occurrence, but it would definitely stay in my mind for a considerable amount of time.
 
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