Hi Pinky,
I’m sorry to see that you are going through this. It is such a hard thing to deal with, I know because I’ve been there. To put up with someone who holds two contradictory positions at the same time–Lenten penance and yet treating his wife like that–is very difficult because you can never quite know where you stand, or what your life is going to look like a year, a month, a week, or an hour down the road. They put you on the shifting sands so you can never firmly plant your feet and say “enough is enough.” People like that treat everyone around them like playthings.
I’m not saying to leave your husband. Now is the time to show him what you’re made of. Show him that you can say “enough.” If he says he’s going to leave, you calmly say “fine, don’t let the door hit you.” And don’t get sucked in to any of his manipulative arguments. It is time to call his bluff. He bandies about the word “divorce” just so he can hurt your feelings, suck the life out of you, and keep you from standing on your own two feet. If he does leave, well, it was bound to happen anyway. You had no hand in it. But usually, people who play these mind games like the ones you describe suddenly want to repair their marriages when they realize you aren’t going to take it anymore. Oh yes, they are all of a sudden Johnny-on-the-spot! It’s all a matter of respect. He obviously has zero respect for you. Either he learns to respect you, or he leaves. That is the deal. No more baloney from him. Zero tolerance. Stand with your back straight, look him in eyes, tell him “love ya, honey, but no more of this.” You deserve to be treated with dignity, and remind yourself of this. And I hate to sound like a Spartan, but never let him see you cry because of something he says. Cry with your friends, your priest…but never around him. He cannot have that kind of power over you, it just puts him on an ego trip.
I know it sounds harsh. I would never advocate the Christian spouse leaving, unless of course there is actual danger in remaining in the household. But, if the non-believing spouse (and that’s what he is, now matter how strict his Lenten “observances” may be) leaves, you can let him go. Not without your loving prayers, of course. Pray all the more for him, as he is in most need of God’s mercy. Storm Heaven for him. I know you love him, and you should. What I’m describing is what they call “tough love.” It’s the hardest kind of love to give, but is what is most desparately needed in this situation.
Sounds like he is a very damaged man–possibly from abuse or witnessed abuse by his father. Sounds like the sins of the father were passed along to his son. Very sad, but I’m sure there are things about him you love. And that makes it very hard to give him the tough love–with the risk that he may indeed leave, because he may be so broken he can’t take it. You remember the wedding day, the birth of your children, the joys, the struggles, when it was you and he against the world. I will be praying for you, Pinky. Your story hurts my heart because I have been there. My ex-husband was very similar. Now I have overflowing blessings–a devout, loving Catholic husband, amongst many good things.
Hugs and prayers.
