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noclevername
Guest
That is great advice!!
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monicatholic
Guest
yup. i advised she learn if her marriage seems to meet requirements for anulment.
a wife/ mother who: 1.plays private eye, 2.has become accustomed to humiliating insults and goading and 3.who might get stds from her strip-clubbing husband is a woman/ mother wh needs to know her options. her **real **options.
if you read carefully, you’d see i suggested an open ended repetition of praying for his conversion and living according to her own trajectory-- God, child, work, repeat. spending her minutes, days and sleepless nights trying to “catch” him at something is a useless, myopic, obsessive endeavor.
pinkyy will end up as disjointed as her husband already is.
the married vocation is to help each other get to heaven, not to hell.
a wife/ mother who: 1.plays private eye, 2.has become accustomed to humiliating insults and goading and 3.who might get stds from her strip-clubbing husband is a woman/ mother wh needs to know her options. her **real **options.
if you read carefully, you’d see i suggested an open ended repetition of praying for his conversion and living according to her own trajectory-- God, child, work, repeat. spending her minutes, days and sleepless nights trying to “catch” him at something is a useless, myopic, obsessive endeavor.
pinkyy will end up as disjointed as her husband already is.
the married vocation is to help each other get to heaven, not to hell.
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Serap
Guest
I said she should leave him. I’m not saying divorce right away, but this guy is a jerk and her children are going to learn this bad behaviour from their father. They will learn that it’s normal for daddy to go to nudie bars; it’s normal for daddy to go out and come home smelling like alchohol and cigarettes; it’s normal for mommy and daddy to yell all the time; it’s normal for daddies to verbally abuse mommies.
This is not acceptable! Children should never be subjected to this. What kind of adults do you think they will become??? If Pinky has a son, he runs a huge risk of becoming his father. If Pinky has a daughter, she runs a huge risk of looking for an abusive husband later in life.
My father did everything that Pinky’s husband is doing (and a lot more) and it totally messed me up. I would have been better off away from my father growing up. He would have treated me a lot better if he only saw me on weekends and I would have been a lot happier. It was horrible!
I watched my father beat my mother to a pulp and then he would beat me and my brothers. I was always scared of him…scared to speak too much. My mother was always crying and taking her frustrations out on me (b/c I was a girl and the oldest). I was expected to mother my mother and babysit my brothers at a young age.
I say it again, Pinky should leave her husband to see if he can get his act together. While separated, they could go for counselling together and this idiot may finally see what he’s ruining. It’s not just his marriage, it’s those little poor innocent souls that we call children.
Sorry if this is harsh, but I went through a lot of suffering at the hands of my parents and my whole life has been a struggle because of it. Jesus would not want children to suffer in an abusive household.
This is not acceptable! Children should never be subjected to this. What kind of adults do you think they will become??? If Pinky has a son, he runs a huge risk of becoming his father. If Pinky has a daughter, she runs a huge risk of looking for an abusive husband later in life.
My father did everything that Pinky’s husband is doing (and a lot more) and it totally messed me up. I would have been better off away from my father growing up. He would have treated me a lot better if he only saw me on weekends and I would have been a lot happier. It was horrible!
I watched my father beat my mother to a pulp and then he would beat me and my brothers. I was always scared of him…scared to speak too much. My mother was always crying and taking her frustrations out on me (b/c I was a girl and the oldest). I was expected to mother my mother and babysit my brothers at a young age.
I say it again, Pinky should leave her husband to see if he can get his act together. While separated, they could go for counselling together and this idiot may finally see what he’s ruining. It’s not just his marriage, it’s those little poor innocent souls that we call children.
Sorry if this is harsh, but I went through a lot of suffering at the hands of my parents and my whole life has been a struggle because of it. Jesus would not want children to suffer in an abusive household.
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joandarc2008
Guest
Serap,
I am so sorry this happenned to you. However, only Pinky can discern what is right for her and her children because she is the only one walking in her shoes. I think the best we can do for her is pray that God’s will be done and that she makes the right choice for everyone involved.
God bless,
S
Serap
Guest
Yeah, you’re right. I can’t see God wanting this situation to continue as it is though. Something has to change.
I get really passionate about this b/c of my heavy cross :blackeye:
Thanks for your compassion in your response.
J
joandarc2008
Guest
No Problem - I think compassion is one of the most important things we can offer anyone - it goes on to the do unto others…
My dh gives a very simplistic explanation of Christianity to those that are dense sometimes:
My dh gives a very simplistic explanation of Christianity to those that are dense sometimes:
- God gave us one rule - stay away from the tree - we couldn’t handle it he threw us out of the garden
- He gave us ten rules on a mountain top- we couldn’t handle em
- He sent his only son- gave us one golden rule- people how hard is this?
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Pinkyyy
Guest
sorry for not being on in a while but work has been busy and my computer at home doens’t really work. I am reading what everyone has said though. Thank you. You are right. I have told him he needs to treat me better. We talk on the phone throughout the day and a lot of the time we are on different shifts so we don’t get to spend a lot of time together anymore. But, when he starts talking down to me,I say don’t talk to me that way and hang up. I hope he will get the message. I’ve already had to hang up on him at least 10 times.
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Pinkyyy
Guest
thank you for your post. Some things struck me as exactly right on. I just wanted to say thanks.
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Pinkyyy
Guest
yes, that is what makes me so mad too is that I had to put our three year old in the back seat worried about the roads to get him from what I thought was an innocent night out and then I had to take my son to a strip club parking lot, not even knowing it was one, and get my husband his extra keys to get him out of there. Then he tells me he wants more kids and then ever since then has repeatedly told me to just get out and then changed his mind. He’s driving me insane. Someone said that they can mess with you so much that you don’t even know what to eat or make for breakfast because they may not be happy with it. That pretty much sums a lot of it up for me. By the way, havn’t been to the priest yet, but I am planning on it soon, if not today.
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shannyk
Guest
Profile of the Sociopath
Code:
* Glibness and Superficial Charm
* Manipulative and Conning
They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.
* Grandiose Sense of Self
Feels entitled to certain things as "their right."
* Pathological Lying
Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.
* Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.
* Shallow Emotions
When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.
* Incapacity for Love
* Need for Stimulation
Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.
* Callousness/Lack of Empathy
Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.
* Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.
* Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency
Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc.
* Irresponsibility/Unreliability
Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.
* Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts.
* Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle
Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.
* Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.
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Katie1723
Guest
My husband would be finding his own way home. I wouldn’t take my kids out at 1:30 in the morning to pick him up, sno or no snow.
Kathy
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joandarc2008
Guest
Personally I agree my dh would not be finding his own way home because my dh is a loving and respecting man who would not do such a thing. If I even thought there was we would be speaking to a priest or deacon when the discussion even came up because it would be a pretty far cry from who he is and who I married.
God bless,
God bless,
L
limerick
Guest
“He went to a nude bar, made me get him in bad weather and then tried to make me do my wifely duty while hiding from me where and what he was doing.”
He went to a nude bar on his own.
He did not make you get him in bad weather; he asked you to do so and you complied. This is one part you played in creating your own misery.
He tried to make you do your wifely duty while hiding from you the details of his evening. When sex is resentfully considered a “wifely duty”, there is no marital union. Why are you still in the marriage? Please, not for the sake of the child(ren) - kids raised in homes where parents are lying, deceitful, angry, resentful tend to produce mistrustful, cynical children. No favors are done for these children when parents continue their little games. If you are truly sick of it, then be done with it. There’s no reason to hang around when you already know how it’s going to end.
Limerick
He went to a nude bar on his own.
He did not make you get him in bad weather; he asked you to do so and you complied. This is one part you played in creating your own misery.
He tried to make you do your wifely duty while hiding from you the details of his evening. When sex is resentfully considered a “wifely duty”, there is no marital union. Why are you still in the marriage? Please, not for the sake of the child(ren) - kids raised in homes where parents are lying, deceitful, angry, resentful tend to produce mistrustful, cynical children. No favors are done for these children when parents continue their little games. If you are truly sick of it, then be done with it. There’s no reason to hang around when you already know how it’s going to end.
Limerick
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Serap
Guest
While I agree with some of what Limerick has said, I just want to point out to OP, that Limerick is not a Catholic and doesn’t practice any religion.
Not to say that his advice is not good advice.
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Miserissima
Guest
I perfectly understand that you feel betrayed, but he hasn’t only failed you personally, he’s failing himself in the “husbandly standard.”
I don’t agree with everything said here, but there is a lot of good advice, too. This comment stung me because in my case, it was so true! My husband would spend time elsewhere…at the rescue squad, volunteering for other things…andI kept wondering, “What the heck is wong with me/us that he doesn’t want to spend time with me?”
The more I lashed out, the more he’d be passive-agressive and stay away from me…I could certainly blame him and he was perfectly justified in blaming me. it was a vicious cycle. We finally had to have a blow-up and then take time to talk it over, bit by bit. I did go to counseling alone, where my counselor was on my side 100% BUT I had to learn to look at things from my husband’s perspective, as offended as I felt by his actions.
After about 6 months, guess what? We’re healing, and it’s working. Invite the Holy Spirit to be the third person in your marraige.
I will be praying to St. Thomas More, St. Joseph, and St. Rita to intercede for you. Also, I send you all my love.
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noclevername
Guest
Your comment about Limerick is totally irrelevant. If he/she had said something about religion or something it would have been relevant but geez.While I agree with some of what Limerick has said, I just want to point out to OP, that Limerick is not a Catholic and doesn’t practice any religion.
Not to say that his advice is not good advice.
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Ana
Guest
My husband would die laughing if someone suggested he call me to pick him up.at 1:30am. He wouldn’t dare!! But if he did, the answer would be NO! We may not be able to make others choices, but we get to decide our own actions.
It was not her husbands fault she went to pick him up. That was HER choice. It was his fault that he was in that situation. It was his choice to call and ask, but it was her choice to get out of bed and enable a butthead.
I am not trying to be mean, but speaking from the experience of being married to a butthead for going on 11 yrs, nothing will change unless fairness and boundaries are added to the relationship. When dealing with a butthead, boundaries are not enough. They must be STRONG boundaries and even strong boundaries are uselesss unless enforced.
Was it FAIR to you, OP (sorry I forgot your name:blush
that your husband was the one being a butthead, but YOU had to get up and go and get him?When dealing with an unreasonable man a.k.a. “the butthead” it is important to allow him feel the pain of his own folly OR HE WILL NEVER CHANGE.
Worst case scenario, butthead doesn’t change, BUT you get a full nights sleep.
You need to detyach a little and look at the fairness and reasonableness of the given situation. You cannot expect this from him. YOU must be the one to judge these things. That little voice inside you, the one that was prolly going off while you were driving to pick him up, is the one you need to listen to. DO NOT FOLLOW HIS LEAD. Following the lead of an unreasonable and immature man will lead to misery, as you are finding out. Listen to yourself NOT HIM!!! Standard rules of fairness and conduct do not apply when dealing with a butthead. They have a rulebook all their own, and it always begins with rule number one … " I am the sun and the world revolves around me."
Let me suggest two rules for you.
- DO NOT TRUST HIM.
- NEVER FORGET RULE NUMBER ONE
God bless you. It is not easy being married and in love with a butthead.
As I have said, we have been married almost 11 yrs. He was abusive, an alcoholic and a drug addict. He lost his family. He is no longer abusive, an alcoholic or a drug addict. He has his family. It is not as complicated as they would confuse you into believing.
I decided a few years ago … LIFE IS HARD. Our marriage is about sharing and HELPING EACHOTHER through this life and towards Heaven. When he starts to make it more burdensome and more difficult then it already is, then he needs to get out of my way and let me do the best I can for myself and my children. Life is too hard to be carrying deadweight. I feel strongly about this. He has gotten the shape up or ship out speech, but nothing changed until he saw some shape up or ship out ACTION.
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Ana
Guest
I just wanted to mention to those that are concerned that some here may be encouraging her to leave her husband,. The CCC states that there are situations that warrant seperate living arrangement for the spiritual, emotional or physical safety of the spouse and children. Not only that, but the CCC states that in some instances divorce is NECESSARY for the protection of the nonbuttheads in the family.Granted the ends should be reconciliation, but sometimes it is NECESSARY AND GOOD to seperate according to the CCC. This is obviously not verbatim, but feel free to look it up.
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Serap
Guest
It IS relevant b/c telling someone to leave someone without any belief in God or the impact it may have to God is very relevant.
I’m not saying his advice wasn’t good, but consideration of God’s will needs to be taken into account with such a significant life changing decision.
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noclevername
Guest
Actually, in this case, it’s not relevant. No one on this forum, Catholic, Christian, atheist or agnostic should tell someone or advise someone to leave their significant other. That is only something a priest or counselor is qualified to give advice on. And on top of that, it’s a decision that only the person in that situation can make. But merely belief in God, Catholic or otherwise does not give anyone the authority to tell someone to leave their spouse.
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