Should I break up with my boyfriend/fiance?

[richardsgirl]

Hi, I would appreciate some good advice! I have a serious boyfriend of 2 and a half years (the ‘Richard’ of my username ) and we’re pretty much engaged, but there are certain things niggling with me.

Firstly, I’m not 100% sure if this is what he wants. I know he loves me very much but he says I am rushing things (which after this long I don’t think I am, although admittedly we are only 21). Sometimes he says he is looking forward to it all but other times he says he’s not sure if he is ready. He also laments the fact that I’m his first girlfriend, I think he really feels he missed out on loads of fun etc and he says he’s curious about what it would be like to be with someone else . So I’m worried this could be a bit of an issue for us in the future.

I did find some strange texts on his mobile the other day… I can’t go into the detail of what they were here but it skirted dangerously close to cheating without actually being cheating. So that has shaken my faith in him somewhat. We’ve been arguing quite a bit recently

Also, we do not share beliefs. I can cope with him not being Catholic but often he just seems so…secular in his views e.g. on porn and it frustrates me. And I’m not sure how he feels about raising future children Catholic, I mean, he has sort of gone along with that idea but with reservations.

But, I really love him & he is always so kind & sweet to me. He is often round my house and my parents think he’s lovely… I’m sure they would tell me if he was a jerk or something
What do you think? I’m at a point where I feel it’s make or break… I don’t want things to drift along, not being committed but just kind of wasting my life on him?

 

[Carjack1]

Hi, I would appreciate some good advice! I have a serious boyfriend of 2 and a half years (the ‘Richard’ of my username ) and we’re pretty much engaged, but there are certain things niggling with me.

Firstly, I’m not 100% sure if this is what he wants. I know he loves me very much but he says I am rushing things (which after this long I don’t think I am, although admittedly we are only 21). Sometimes he says he is looking forward to it all but other times he says he’s not sure if he is ready. He also laments the fact that I’m his first girlfriend, I think he really feels he missed out on loads of fun etc and he says he’s curious about what it would be like to be with someone else . Maybe you should let him go. If he comes back then he is yours. So I’m worried this could be a bit of an issue for us in the future.

I did find some strange texts on his mobile the other day… I can’t go into the detail of what they were here but it skirted dangerously close to cheating without actually being cheating. Don’t ignore this sign. InvestigateSo that has shaken my faith in him somewhat. We’ve been arguing quite a bit recently

Also, we do not share beliefs. I can cope with him not being Catholic but often he just seems so…secular in his views e.g. on porn and it frustrates me.Run for your life. My husband is an athiest which make marriage extremely difficult. Sorry. I have been there. And I’m not sure how he feels about raising future children Catholic, I mean, he has sort of gone along with that idea but with reservations.

But, I really love him & he is always so kind & sweet to me. He is often round my house and my parents think he’s lovely… I’m sure they would tell me if he was a jerk or something
What do you think? I’m at a point where I feel it’s make or break… I don’t want things to drift along, not being committed but just kind of wasting my life on him?I say seperate and take a breather. From what you indicated, you have a lot to think about and the future can be a battle. The porn/texting situation is very dangerous. please think about it.

 

[Scottgun]

Thanks for sharing. It must be difficult to reveal personal things to strangers at the risk of being hammered. I want to avoid sounding holier-than-thou, but I also owe it to you to be blunt.

You didn’t mention if you are sleeping with him and you don’t have to answer that, but if you are, you are being played whether you are consenting to it or not or whether he is aware of it or not. In such case it needs to stop cold turkey.You said he is your fiance, but this sounds like in name only. Is there a date yet? If not, then it sounds like typical male feet-dragging. No good. Marriage of course means children and you have an obligation to raise them Catholic. Pornography is objectively evil. Make no comprimises with it.

I’m at a point where I feel it’s make or break

Your instincts sound correct. I hate to say it’s ultimatum time, but at this point it sounds inescapable. My prayers go with you.

 

[kevinsgirl]

Richardsgirl,

The things that you bring up are dealbreakers. Porn can be deadly to a marriage. You need to be on the same page with regards to children and the Faith your kids will be raised in.

But the biggest red flag for me was that he laments that he’s only had one girlfriend–you. You only need one relationship if you’re with the right person. The fact that he feels this is a drawback makes me think he isn’t ready for the level of commitment you would like.

I’d suggest taking a break. I think you both need to step back and take a breather.

kevinsgirl

 

[MrS]

Getting married should have only one PRIME goal… getting each other to heaven.

All else flows from that… children, choice of job , home and family surroundings, regular worshipping together etc.

The situation you describe sounds like there are, at the most, other reasons why you want to be with him, or him with you.

Let him go… if he comes back… well, you know the rest.

 

[shannyk]

Firstly, I’m not 100% sure if this is what he wants.

I know he loves me very much but he says I am rushing things (which after this long I don’t think I am, although admittedly we are only 21)

If he says he feels rushed, take him at his word! He feels rushed, he’s not ready. He’s telling you as much. So, listen.

He also laments the fact that I’m his first girlfriend, I think he really feels he missed out on loads of fun etc and he says he’s curious about what it would be like to be with someone else . So I’m worried this could be a bit of an issue for us in the future.

As you should be. He’s not ready. He’s telling you in several different ways. Listen to him.

Also, we do not share beliefs. I can cope with him not being Catholic but often he just seems so…secular in his views e.g. on porn and it frustrates me. And I’m not sure how he feels about raising future children Catholic, I mean, he has sort of gone along with that idea but with reservations.

The writing on the wall is crystal clear dear. you can’t base a marriage on reservations…no go.

But, I really love him & he is always so kind & sweet to me.

You can love a lot of people, that doesn’t make them spouse material. There are a lot of sweet men in this world, don’t hold on to him as if he’s is the only one. Your parents may not say exactly what they think, or may not know the in’s and out’s of your relationship. They are not the one’s who would be committing to him, you are.

What do you think? I’m at a point where I feel it’s make or break…*** I don’t want things to drift along, not being committed***

but just kind of wasting my life on him?

I think you answered your own question:thumbsup:

 

[1ke]

and we’re pretty much engaged, but there are certain things niggling with me.

You either are or aren’t engaged. There’s no such thing as being “pretty much” engaged.

Firstly, I’m not 100% sure if this is what he wants.

Red flag #1. A person who after two years of dating still “isn’t sure” and thinks that they are missing out on all that green grass on the other side of the fence.

I did find some strange texts on his mobile the other day…

Red flag #2. Pursuing the green grass on the other side of the fence while proclaiming to be “pretty much” engaged to you.

Also, we do not share beliefs.

Red flag #3: trying to fit a square peg into a round hole in the name of “love”. You don’t share beliefs. BIG problem for a lifelong committment.

I can cope with him not being Catholic but often he just seems so…secular in his views e.g. on porn and it frustrates me.

Red flag #4: You ignoring big red flags.

It “bothers” you and yet you want to marry him where you will have a lifetime of it “bothering” you.

And I’m not sure how he feels about raising future children Catholic, I mean, he has sort of gone along with that idea but with reservations.

Red flag #5: You are obligated to raise children Catholic. A spouse who is not Catholic and isn’t 100% behind raising the kids Catholic is TROUBLE and you have no one to blame but yourself if you proceed to marry him KNOWING he is not supportive of this.

But, I really love him & he is always so kind & sweet to me.

Completely irrelevant and in no way makes up for the five very large red flags waving in your face. In fact “there’s a ton of things wrong with him BUT I love him” is usually an indication that you are NOT thinking clearly.

He is often round my house and my parents think he’s lovely… I’m sure they would tell me if he was a jerk or something

Would they still think he’s lovely if you told them everything you have told us? Probably not.

What do you think? I’m at a point where I feel it’s make or break… I don’t want things to drift along, not being committed but just kind of wasting my life on him?

What do I think? Bu-bye Richard and don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

But that’s me.

 

[CatsAndDogs]

Hi, I would appreciate some good advice! I have a serious boyfriend of 2 and a half years (the ‘Richard’ of my username ) and we’re pretty much engaged, but there are certain things niggling with me.

Firstly, I’m not 100% sure if this is what he wants. I know he loves me very much but he says I am rushing things (which after this long I don’t think I am, although admittedly we are only 21). Sometimes he says he is looking forward to it all but other times he says he’s not sure if he is ready. He also laments the fact that I’m his first girlfriend, I think he really feels he missed out on loads of fun etc and he says he’s curious about what it would be like to be with someone else . So I’m worried this could be a bit of an issue for us in the future.

I did find some strange texts on his mobile the other day… I can’t go into the detail of what they were here but it skirted dangerously close to cheating without actually being cheating. So that has shaken my faith in him somewhat. We’ve been arguing quite a bit recently

Also, we do not share beliefs. I can cope with him not being Catholic but often he just seems so…secular in his views e.g. on porn and it frustrates me. And I’m not sure how he feels about raising future children Catholic, I mean, he has sort of gone along with that idea but with reservations.

But, I really love him & he is always so kind & sweet to me. He is often round my house and my parents think he’s lovely… I’m sure they would tell me if he was a jerk or something
What do you think? I’m at a point where I feel it’s make or break… I don’t want things to drift along, not being committed but just kind of wasting my life on him?

Before even LOOKING at your post (the OP), I just HAVE to say that if you have to ask the question the answer is yes.

Now, that said, I shall read your posting.

OK. After reading it, I say become good friends as quickly as possible, and start looking for a man instead of a boy.

Thanks for asking.

(( Disclaimer: My opinions are worth precisely 50% more than “pixel value”, which amounts to half again the price of admission to this forum. ))

 

[gmarie21]

Marriage is suppose to be freely entered. Even if he turned around today and stated that he wants to marry you (especially if he had the sense you were planning on leaving) do you think that he would freely be entering the marriage? Emotionally forcing someone into marriage (sometimes known as ultimatums) is a terrible thing and a marriage should not be decided based on an ultimatum. If you have to give an ultimatum, then you are with the wrong person. Honey, move on. You may experience some serious heartache now, but it beats the lifetime of heartache in the future with him.

 

[ironman62292]

Gee, what can I say? This is beyond me. Being 16 I humbly admit that I haven’t the experience to give you good advice. But I would like to say that I agree with whoever said that porn is deadly to marriage. Just pray, pray for God’s will to be done in your life. Accept his will, even if it’s something you may not totally want, know that he loves you and wants the best for you. This Richard guy surely doesn’t sound like someone who is ready for marriage. We all go through trials that test us to our breaking point, I think you may remember my thread. Trust God, take your problem to him and I guarantee you won’t be dissapointed. Ask Mary to help you out too. As a mother, I’m sure she feel’s for you. I will say a prayer for you, that’s why I’m a prayer warrior:thumbsup: God Bless and Good luck.

 

[whatevergirl]

Hi richardsgirl;

It seems like he is not ready for marriage, and for the role of being a husband. I commend him at least for being honest. There are many people who go through the wedding, hesitant…very hesitant…and then, in a year or so, they cheat…or just are unhappy, and probably should have waited to marry in the first place. Can’t say for sure–he could have cold feet as they say.

But, the texts (holy cow–what’s with all the texting on here people? lol I have never text messaged in my life, I must be totally out of it) lol:blush: …the comments about not being sure…that you’re his first girlfriend…bla bla…

I think holding off on marrying this guy would be best. I can’t tell you what to do certainly, but that is my advice. When in doubt, do nothing. I learned that a long time ago, and it has helped me immensely in making life altering decisions.

Your bf is in doubt. It’s causing you to doubt. So, don’t move forward until you are both sure of it.

Prayers going out to you.

 

[duskyjewel]

Sounds like this relationship may be coming to a natural end. The two people in it do not want the same things, and that is often why youthful relationships end. Doesn’t make it any less painful…

Just keep your brain plugged in and make GOOD decisions that reflect your best interest, regardless of what you decide to do. Too many times young women turn off their brains, cater to their emotions, and live to regret it! So whether you decide to wait some more for him to be ready, or to move on, just make sure you are doing what is best for you and your goals.

 

[chevalier]

I don’t want to judge your boyfriend, but I would break up. He’s not ready. Doesn’t mean good or bad, it just means not ready. There are also several red flags as people said.

 

[TigerKitty]

RGirl -

Sorry you are in a bind, so to speak. But - you have SO MUCH in your favor - especially your youth. Twenty-one is young enough that you have lots and lots of time…don’t rush into things.

Take a “break” from the relationship. Get involved in your church, community, school. Make new friends. You just never know who you are going to meet.

Hoping everything works out OK for you…

 

[richardsgirl]

I just don’t know he’s been such a massive part of my life the past two years, my best friend really, it just hurts a lot to lose him. But I can see from the things he is saying he is just not 100% into this… sometimes he seems more sure than others, a reflection of his strong feelings for me versus the factors pulling him in the other direction… I think he imagines single life to be non-stop fun or something, that I’m holding him back from

I’m getting the vibe that I should break it off with him but that is just such a hard thing to do… I’m no good at break-ups, and even if I do manage it, I’m liable to go back.

 

[1ke]

I just don’t know he’s been such a massive part of my life the past two years, my best friend really, it just hurts a lot to lose him.

No one is discounting this. It hurts. It really does.

What we can see from our vantage point thta you can’t right now is that as much as it hurts, you **do **get over it.

And, moreover when you find someone who is truly your match in all ways you just whack yourself on the head and say “what was I thinking dating Richard for two years.” And, “why did I think he was so great.”

Right now it does not seem that this will ever be possible. Not you. Not this guy, he’s different. It’s really love. You are such best friends.

Trust us old farts who have been down the painful road. It really is possible. You really do look back and go “duh”.

 

[GracedUpon]

I am so sorry that you are in this situation. I would like to point out 2 things:

1. He has borderline cheating texts on his phone
2. He has no moral opposition to porn

1+ 2 = AFFAIR

He is probably cheating on you already. Even if he hasn’t slept with another girl yet, he may be having an emotional affair with the person(s) who texted him, plus he probably views porn if he has a secular opinion of it. I’ve seen the damage porn can do to a young man’s sexual appetite, and it often creates an escalating problem for both the man and his significant other. If he hasn’t had a physical affair with another girl yet, then these factors will significantly increase his risk of doing so, before or after you get married. I would say that if you want a physically and emotionally monogamous relationship, find a man who values the Church’s teachings on sexual morality. Also, if and when you enter into a new relationship, make sure that both of you are on the same page in terms of marriage. Build your relationship with the goal of marriage in mind, as opposed to bringing the idea of marriage up later in the relationship. I was once in a situation similar to yours, although I don’t know how similar. I ended up losing my self worth, and things ended very badly. Now, however, I am married to a Catholic man who treats me with respect, and I couldn’t be happier.

I pray that you take the advice that people on this board are offering you.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

No one is discounting this. It hurts. It really does.

What we can see from our vantage point thta you can’t right now is that as much as it hurts, you **do **get over it.

And, moreover when you find someone who is truly your match in all ways you just whack yourself on the head and say “what was I thinking dating Richard for two years.” And, “why did I think he was so great.”

Right now it does not seem that this will ever be possible. Not you. Not this guy, he’s different. It’s really love. You are such best friends.

Trust us old farts who have been down the painful road. It really is possible. You really do look back and go “duh”.

I completely agree! Although I’d like to think that I am not yet an old fart, lol
**
I had two serious, long term relationships before I finally met my husband. In both cases I saw marriage in our future and the breakups were so terribly painful. But I DO look back now and go:doh2: “what was I thinking???”. Life would have been so different for me now if I hadn’t had the courage to say buh-bye when I realized that things weren’t going the way I knew in my heart that they should…

Pray on this. Ask God to guide you. With Him as your strength you cannot go wrong. Listen to Him. Trust Him. He is infinitely more important than any guy. **

 

[KingAlfred]

Hi, I would appreciate some good advice! I have a serious boyfriend of 2 and a half years (the ‘Richard’ of my username ) and we’re pretty much engaged, but there are certain things niggling with me.

Firstly, I’m not 100% sure if this is what he wants. I know he loves me very much but he says I am rushing things (which after this long I don’t think I am, although admittedly we are only 21). Sometimes he says he is looking forward to it all but other times he says he’s not sure if he is ready. He also laments the fact that I’m his first girlfriend, I think he really feels he missed out on loads of fun etc and he says he’s curious about what it would be like to be with someone else . So I’m worried this could be a bit of an issue for us in the future.

I did find some strange texts on his mobile the other day… I can’t go into the detail of what they were here but it skirted dangerously close to cheating without actually being cheating. So that has shaken my faith in him somewhat. We’ve been arguing quite a bit recently

Also, we do not share beliefs. I can cope with him not being Catholic but often he just seems so…secular in his views e.g. on porn and it frustrates me. And I’m not sure how he feels about raising future children Catholic, I mean, he has sort of gone along with that idea but with reservations.

But, I really love him & he is always so kind & sweet to me. He is often round my house and my parents think he’s lovely… I’m sure they would tell me if he was a jerk or something
What do you think? I’m at a point where I feel it’s make or break… I don’t want things to drift along, not being committed but just kind of wasting my life on him?

I’m inclined to recommend that you leave him, if you can find the strength. He sounds like a good guy, but you’re both so young, that, given his doubts and feelings, you should let it go. I can all but guarantee that if you get married, he will cheat on you, if for no other reason than to know what it’s like to be with another woman.

 

[SMHW]

I can only go along with what others have said. You really need to break this off. There’s a very remote chance that something could happen in a few years but in in all likelihood this relationship needs to end permanently.

Your sort-of-finance may be a nice guy. But lots of guys are nice guys. But not every nice guy is good marriageable “material”. Not every great guy who would be a great marriage partner will be ready to marry at the same time you are. Not every great guy wanting to marry at the same time as you is good for *you *to marry. And just because you think you’ve found the right guy, it doesn’t mean you are the best woman for him.

As Doctor Laura would say, “It’s not a match.”​

P.S.

Let us know who you are when you change your user name.