Should I break up with my boyfriend/fiance?

[BostonMyrtleBea]

I completely agree! Although I’d like to think that I am not yet an old fart, lol
**
I had two serious, long term relationships before I finally met my husband. In both cases I saw marriage in our future and the breakups were so terribly painful. But I DO look back now and go:doh2: “what was I thinking???”. Life would have been so different for me now if I hadn’t had the courage to say buh-bye when I realized that things weren’t going the way I knew in my heart that they should…

Pray on this. Ask God to guide you. With Him as your strength you cannot go wrong. Listen to Him. Trust Him. He is infinitely more important than any guy. **

I agree 100%. I hate to say it, but I think the writing on the wall is loud and clear. I dated a guy in college for almost four years. He said/did similar things and I had doubts in my mind.
I wish I had had the strength to leave way before wasting more of my time. I, too (now married), look back and say “WHY did I waste my time”? The breakup was painful for sure! That’s not going to change, but do you want to be “pretty much engaged” to a guy who is not ready to settle or find someone who is.

I see in your post that you are plenty young to find the right guy. This doesn’t mean that he’s evil or you never had good times, but as you get older, you realize things are not going down the same path. If they aren’t you can’t force them (and shouldn’t wait for them to either).

Sorry you are going through this

 

[Trishie]

There are too many concerning markers in your post. Sounds like a recipe for a future marriage breakup.
It is very sad, when you have travelled so far with Richard. It will be very painful to break up, but even more painful if you wait until after marriage.

You say you probably won’t give him up but go back. That’s a pity, but hindsight is likely to be painful too. If you’re not going to break up, put the marriage very much on hold.

I’ve been reading lists of questions posed for young couples by a priest who served some years on the Marriage Tribunal, and your relationship fails many of them.

I hope you are able to make the best decision for yourself and either way, learn to live with it. I wish you happiness in your life. God bless you.

 

[maendem]

Yes, breaking up will be a painful end to your relationship, but better that than pain without end through marriage to him.

Read some of the other threads in this Family Life Forum - many, many women suffering from husbands who don’t share their beliefs, who are unfaithful, etc. etc. etc. - all the fallout of the red flags you mentioned… And because they are married, mostly in the church, they cannot just walk away as you can right now. Don’t betray this chance to listen to yourself and your intuition.

Life is too short and your heart is too precious to waste this way.

 

[Veronica7978]

Don’t even think of getting married until you are 100% sure. You can’t take that chance with a sacrament.

Waiting won’t diminish your love for each other, but only help to strengthen the bond you will share in your marriage.

Don’t “investigate” to the point that you are upset or crazed. Let his “yes” mean “yes” and his “no” mean “no”. Ask him, believe him or not and move on with faith in God. You can’t keep searching through somebody’s things expecting to find something about them and think that you’re not causing damage to your relationship.

 

[ecp007]

I just don’t know he’s been such a massive part of my life the past two years, my best friend really, it just hurts a lot to lose him. But I can see from the things he is saying he is just not 100% into this… sometimes he seems more sure than others, a reflection of his strong feelings for me versus the factors pulling him in the other direction… I think he imagines single life to be non-stop fun or something, that I’m holding him back from

I’m getting the vibe that I should break it off with him but that is just such a hard thing to do… I’m no good at break-ups, and even if I do manage it, I’m liable to go back.

In order to be engaged, you need two things:

1. A ring
2. A date for the wedding.

How do I know this? Because I dated someone for not 2, but 12 years (age 14 to age 26). I had a ring twice, but no date. After 6 years, I thought I had invested too much time in the relationship to bale out. After 10 years, we were like family. His mother was closer to me than my own mom.

But, he didn’t want to marry me. After 12 years, I finally figured that out. What a waste of 12 years…

2 years is nothing, when you think of the 80 years you have in front of you. Consider it like a 2 year course, that taught you what you like and don’t like, and what you need and don’t need. And then move on.

 

[richardsgirl]

As for the issue of being Christian or not, I would say I was a Christian, though I know I don’t do many of the things that a committed Christian ought to, like going to Church regularly. But I agree with the Christian ethos and way of life, morals etc. I think the only important thing really is the difference between us in how much we put into it, and the Catholic/Anglican difference. You said last night to say what I thought about any children we may have being brought up Catholic, as we’ve discussed before I am happy with that, as long as it isn’t too devout or makes them unhappy.

I love you very much, as I hope you know and when I was looking at you this weekend and you kept asking me ‘what’, I was just thinking how much I’d miss you and how special you were to me.

I think a lot of my unsettledness comes from a sense that I missed out on the ‘normal’ growing up process, partly due to my difficult family situation, meaning I couldn’t even invite friends to my house from the age of about eight, and all the work that I did at school and outside of school time, and living out of town. Though, maybe it’s silly to let that affect my life now.

Thanks for all the responses, it is much appreciated and has certainly given me food for thought.
I get what you mean that there is no such thing as ‘sort of’ engaged, and I suppose we’re not engaged, but have talked a lot about the future.
I’ve quoted above something he sent me in an email today… what do you think? Thanks

 

[richardsgirl]

Don’t “investigate” to the point that you are upset or crazed. Let his “yes” mean “yes” and his “no” mean “no”. Ask him, believe him or not and move on with faith in God. You can’t keep searching through somebody’s things expecting to find something about them and think that you’re not causing damage to your relationship.

I agree I really should not have been doing this . I think I’ll make it future polict not to as it does seem that I’m checking up on him and that’s not nice…

 

[gmarie21]

Thanks for all the responses, it is much appreciated and has certainly given me food for thought.
I get what you mean that there is no such thing as ‘sort of’ engaged, and I suppose we’re not engaged, but have talked a lot about the future.
I’ve quoted above something he sent me in an email today… what do you think? Thanks

One who has not healed from his past disappointments is not ready for marriage. Everyone has “baggage” but eventually one must learn to let go or it will eat away at any and all relationships. I have seen this too many times. Your boyfriend is NOT ready for a permanent commitment right now. There are too many issues he needs to address for himself first. This does not make him good or bad, it’s just the reality. In 5 years you don’t want to be in the position where he hasn’t addressed his own issues, doesn’t want to commit but doesn’t want to loose you either. If that becomes the situation (which is very likely to happen) you will end up married to someone who isn’t freely giving themselves or wondering why you wasted your time. Give him space, if not for your own sake, for his own sake to work through his “issues” with his past, disappointments, and present.

 

[whatevergirl]

Thanks for all the responses, it is much appreciated and has certainly given me food for thought.
I get what you mean that there is no such thing as ‘sort of’ engaged, and I suppose we’re not engaged, but have talked a lot about the future.
I’ve quoted above something he sent me in an email today… what do you think? Thanks

Hi richardsgirl…did he give you a ring?

 

[iluvmybabies]

Hi, I would appreciate some good advice! I have a serious boyfriend of 2 and a half years (the ‘Richard’ of my username ) and we’re pretty much engaged, but there are certain things niggling with me.

Firstly, I’m not 100% sure if this is what he wants. I know he loves me very much but he says I am rushing things (which after this long I don’t think I am, although admittedly we are only 21). Sometimes he says he is looking forward to it all but other times he says he’s not sure if he is ready. He also laments the fact that I’m his first girlfriend, I think he really feels he missed out on loads of fun etc and he says he’s curious about what it would be like to be with someone else . So I’m worried this could be a bit of an issue for us in the future.

I did find some strange texts on his mobile the other day… I can’t go into the detail of what they were here but it skirted dangerously close to cheating without actually being cheating. So that has shaken my faith in him somewhat. We’ve been arguing quite a bit recently

Also, we do not share beliefs. I can cope with him not being Catholic but often he just seems so…secular in his views e.g. on porn and it frustrates me. And I’m not sure how he feels about raising future children Catholic, I mean, he has sort of gone along with that idea but with reservations.

But, I really love him & he is always so kind & sweet to me. He is often round my house and my parents think he’s lovely… I’m sure they would tell me if he was a jerk or something
What do you think? I’m at a point where I feel it’s make or break… I don’t want things to drift along, not being committed but just kind of wasting my life on him?

This is indeed a difficult situation and I feel for you. I was stuck in the same kind of relationship with my first husband, my exhusband whom never wanted to marry through the church, even though we are both Catholic. It was devastating, and it tore me apart. I found him flirting at work and when he used to work in a department store one night he came home rambling about this new chick that likes to have 2 male partners at once and doesn’t care “doing it” in the bathroom!!! He used to work the late shift in the warehouse of the department store so he got home pretty late and I was half asleep and didn’t really understand his exitement until the next day when I asked him about it and he told me I was probably dreaming, but I didn’t dream it because I heard him. Several years passed right, and then in the same store there was a “friend” he liked to have lunch with, I never knew his friend, he never told me about their relationship. I wasn’t his first girlfriend, nor first love, or lover, which is the reason why he didn’t care to settle in a hurry so he married me out of “it was there” attitude…but when I surprised him at work for lunch one day and saw him with his “friend” all sweet on each other, she was touching him and tickling him and he was giggling like a kid at Christmas, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing!!! He didn’t even notice I was there!!! I was frustrated and upset and confronted him, I was pregnant with our second child and man did I hate myself for being so STUPID!!! The promise of “we’re getting our marriage blessed in six months ok!!” Turned into “baby next year!” and the year after that etc…He denied ever being more than friends, but girl if you would have seen what I saw you wouldn’t have accepted him at all…Not only that but a year later I wanted to go into the store he dragged me by my hair out of it…I couldn’t believe it…
I still stayed because “baby I love you and I want our marriage blessed through the Church next month!!” Came back…I mean my mother forgave my abusive father, and almost 40 years later still “happily” married!! They grew to be great comanions and best friends and they tell me all the time “If I don’t wake up next to your mom (dad) I wouldn’t know what to do with my life!!!” So I mean take a chance and try it or just move on because in the long run you will be better off without the heart ache that comes from never really knowing if your husband did cheat on you or not…
My brother-in-law and his fiance have been dating for over 6 years, last year they were supposed to be married but because he wasn’t ready yet, again, he told her he wasn’t sure, so of course she decided to take her honey moon with some friends, and told him they needed a break…She broke up with him but were still living in the same house, she made him move to the guest room, and she had her own single life, the only time she came home was just to sleep and really late when she knew he was either asleep or at work…He learned his lesson, he had his freedom did whatever he wanted and learned that another better woman for him he would not find and in less than 20 days they will be married…

 

[duskyjewel]

richardsgirl, when it is right, you will know it. I know that is such a cliche, but it’s true. (That’s why it’s a cliche!)

When you find the guy who absolutely cannot stand the idea of building his future and his life without you (and I do not mean in a creepy, stalker way), the one who wants to see his babies born of you, the one who feels incomplete and bereft when he envisions life without you, he will make that clear. There will be no hemming and hawing. There will be, “Will you marry me?” down on one knee in front of his family, with a ringbox in his hand. There will be, “No matter what happens to us, I want to face it with you.” He will go out of his way to please you, yet also be able to just hang out watching cooking shows with you (or whatever) for a whole Saturday without needing anything exciting. He will want to share the highest moments of his life with you, and the mundane everyday stuff. In short, he will have no doubts and he will not give you any reason to doubt his commitment. And when he really is the right one, you will return his love and commitment with a full and free heart.

The guy you are with now is not that guy. He might become that guy someday, but don’t put your life on hold waiting for it to happen. Hold out for that guy, because trust me… it is WORTH IT! ( Can you tell I am happily married? Nearly 11 1/2 years…)

 

[HappyPerson]

I know that it is emotionally difficult to get out of an intense relationship, even when you know it is the wrong one, but you HAVE to. It is possible that he may change in the future, but it is NOT worth the wait, and NOT guaranteed. You need to let him go, out of your life COMPLETELY, not even remaining friends. That way, you can both move on. Otherwise, his presense in your life would be a turn-off to other guys. The longer you stay with him, the larger the red flag will be in the eyes of the right man for you, when you say that you were in that relationship.

Cut your losses and move on. Don’t ever give it a second thought.
There are too many decent single Catholic men out there, for you to waste your time with a nonbeliever.

 

[stbruno]

Follow your gut instinct…and by your initial posting, you are seeing all kinds of red flags. Especially your differences in religion & values as well as his problem with pornography…and it is a real problem for many men. Those flags are there for a very serious reason. If you want to explore a serious relationship anyway with your boyfriend, look at this website.

foryourmarriage.org/ and also christianitytoday.com/marriage
Both websites, will offer you some advice in helping you decide if this relationship is worth pursuing. But don’t just read about these things…go sit before the Blessed Sacrament, not just once but for a good portion of the next week or month or whatever you can do, and pray each day that God will guide on this very life changing decision. Many of the posters have made some very good suggestions. However, only you needs to be able to feel comfortable about this decision. But you don’t have to make it only on feelings. Use your head and go to Jesus and He will guide your heart. Too often we forget to start there. You will be in my prayers as you make this very real discernment.

 

[Ruthie]

Richard said,
You said last night to say what I thought about any children we may have being brought up Catholic, as we’ve discussed before I am happy with that, as long as it isn’t too devout or makes them unhappy.

Emphasis mine.

That is a HUGE red flag, and a predictor of future battles.
“But Mom, I don’t want to go to CCD!” means going to CCD makes them unhappy.

“But Mom, can’t I skip Mass today to watch the game?” A “no” answer is too devout.

It also strikes me that this is a way of saying “yes, we’ll raise the kids Catholic” without really meaning it.

“Any children we *may *have” is also pretty non-committal.

Yes, I think you should take a break from this relationship. Maybe he cares deeply enough about you to re-think his attitude. If he does, he’ll be back. If not, he won’t, and you will be out of a relationship with no future. Yes, it will hurt, and I’m sorry for that. :console:

With compassion,

Ruthie

 

[3Bambinos]

I was engaged to a guy before I met my husband. What attracted me to this guy in the beginning was his sweetness-- all our friends and everyone we worked with thought he was the nicest guy around. He actually did convert to Catholicism “for me” but never acted like he really believed the Church and made it much more difficult for me to try to live out my Catholicism. By a year into our relationship there were lots of red flags-- he would be “unreachable” for a couple days and have lame excuses as to what he was doing, etc. He always claimed to be ready to get married, but then he would blow me off when I wanted to actually PLAN the wedding, register for stuff, pick out invites, etc. There were lots of problems on every level of our relationship that I won’t go into, but long story short, I finally got the courage to break it off for good. I had tried a couple times in the past, but I always felt guilty for causing so much pain to another person. And he was such a “nice” guy. And I loved him. He would convince me to get back together.

Well, finally I made it clear that it was OVER. It hurt like crazy in the beginning. But after I committed myself to understanding that this was clearly not the guy for me, it became ABUNDANTLY clear that I made the right choice by breaking it off.

About a year after I broke it off, I met my husband. It was SO WONDERFUL going from an immature perma-teen to a MAN I could depend on no matter what. I am 100%-- no, 1000000000% sure that I am married to the man God wants me married to. Never felt like that with whats-his-name. I shutter to think of the marriage I would have been stuck in if I hadn’t finally bit the bullet and ended it…

Please, OP if you have any doubts, you owe it yourself to take the time you need. And don’t let Richard or anyone guilt you into staying in a relationship. From your initial post, I see red flags a plenty…

 

[iluvmybabies]

I was engaged to a guy before I met my husband. What attracted me to this guy in the beginning was his sweetness-- all our friends and everyone we worked with thought he was the nicest guy around. He actually did convert to Catholicism “for me” but never acted like he really believed the Church and made it much more difficult for me to try to live out my Catholicism. By a year into our relationship there were lots of red flags-- he would be “unreachable” for a couple days and have lame excuses as to what he was doing, etc. He always claimed to be ready to get married, but then he would blow me off when I wanted to actually PLAN the wedding, register for stuff, pick out invites, etc. There were lots of problems on every level of our relationship that I won’t go into, but long story short, I finally got the courage to break it off for good. I had tried a couple times in the past, but I always felt guilty for causing so much pain to another person. And he was such a “nice” guy. And I loved him. He would convince me to get back together.

Well, finally I made it clear that it was OVER. It hurt like crazy in the beginning. But after I committed myself to understanding that this was clearly not the guy for me, it became ABUNDANTLY clear that I made the right choice by breaking it off.

About a year after I broke it off, I met my husband. It was SO WONDERFUL going from an immature perma-teen to a MAN I could depend on no matter what. I am 100%-- no, 1000000000% sure that I am married to the man God wants me married to. Never felt like that with whats-his-name. I shutter to think of the marriage I would have been stuck in if I hadn’t finally bit the bullet and ended it…

Please, OP if you have any doubts, you owe it yourself to take the time you need. And don’t let Richard or anyone guilt you into staying in a relationship. From your initial post, I see red flags a plenty…

I hear you really…I honestly believe that the guy I am dating is the best thing for me but still I think that maybe a break would do us well… I need to get my whole “living with another man” thing going here!!! lol…it’s funny because with my first marriage I was ready for it and everything but it didn’t end well…
But that’s great I am very happy for you and definitely she needs to let Richard go…

 

[chevalier]

I am so sorry that you are in this situation. I would like to point out 2 things:

1. He has borderline cheating texts on his phone
2. He has no moral opposition to porn

1+ 2 = AFFAIR

Graced, one can’t make conclusions like that. It would be like saying quarrel with the victim + unable to find alibi = guilty. No amount of incriminating material adds up to guilty unless there’s a link between it all and it covers everything. Otherwise things are just highly probable. But high probability is just that.

Richardsgirl, Richard does sound like a nice guy. But that isn’t always enough. Find someone you will be comfortable with - not for now but for 50, 60… 70? years on.

If this is any consolation, things like that happen. My last ex was agnostic. Issues were similar, though in some aspects more intense. I seem still to love her, but the decision to split, which she made, not I, was the right one, provided that she wouldn’t change (if I had been to change, that would have had to involve giving up also on some things a Catholic cannot give up on and that wasn’t an option). While I am unable to relate with other women still, I believe it is a good thing that we split up. As sad as it is.

 

[3Bambinos]

I hear you really…I honestly believe that the guy I am dating is the best thing for me but still I think that maybe a break would do us well… I need to get my whole “living with another man” thing going here!!! lol…it’s funny because with my first marriage I was ready for it and everything but it didn’t end well…
But that’s great I am very happy for you and definitely she needs to let Richard go…

Yeah, I was ready the first time around, too. But it was HE who showed every indication of not understanding what marriage was/ wasn’t ready for the committment, etc.

I am happy that you have found love again, iluvmbabies.

 

[3Bambinos]

Graced, one can’t make conclusions like that. It would be like saying quarrel with the victim + unable to find alibi = guilty. No amount of incriminating material adds up to guilty unless there’s a link between it all and it covers everything. Otherwise things are just highly probable. But high probability is just that.

I really don’t think she was saying–“100% positive, this guy WILL cheat. NO CHANCE he will be faithful.”

I think she was just indicating that based on his current attitudes, it would be perhaps easier for him to give into to temptation to cheat since it sounds like perhaps he has a more…permissive? attitude toward out-of-marriage sexuality than the Church.

That’s what I took it to mean, anyway.

 

[iluvmybabies]

Yeah, I was ready the first time around, too. But it was HE who showed every indication of not understanding what marriage was/ wasn’t ready for the committment, etc.

I am happy that you have found love again, iluvmbabies.

Thank you I am very happy as well…my first was the same way, always dodging all conversations about marrying through the church, we were married civilly which just wasn’t what I wanted. But oh well you know you make one mistake and you learn from it…And it had been 2 years before I started dating again and now have been dating for 2.5 and even though I love him, and his marriage proposal has got me in a whirl of you know hopes and dreams and all the butterflies in the stomach I am a bit scared because well I don’t know maybe I am just being silly about the whole situation…I mean my kids love him but I am scared they might not take in too well another man living in the house you know? I don’t know so I was thinking that maybe we need a break and that way I can get my kids to realize how our life might be without this great man by our side you know? Maybe ease up the whole “living in” “moving in” tension?!!
Thanks and I am very happy for you!!!