Should I break up with my boyfriend/fiance?

[Sierrah]

If you truly love him them maybe you need to let him go. If he comes back like and earlier poster said then you’ll know it’s real. It also sounds like your gut it telling you the same thing if you ask me. He’s only 21 and maybe just needs to mature a bit.

 

[1ke]

I’ve quoted above something he sent me in an email today… what do you think? Thanks

I think his attitude towards religions is a complete dealbreaker.

You can raise them Catholic as long as you don’t raise them too devout? Give me a break. What the heck does THAT mean?

You are either of Christ or you aren’t. You are either striving for holiness or you aren’t.

You should never yoke yourself with someone who has this sort of attitude towards Christ-- in Revelations Christ says he will spit the lukewarm OUT of his mouth.

 

[GracedUpon]

Graced, one can’t make conclusions like that. It would be like saying quarrel with the victim + unable to find alibi = guilty. No amount of incriminating material adds up to guilty unless there’s a link between it all and it covers everything. Otherwise things are just highly probable. But high probability is just that.

I suppose I should have made my post a little bit clearer. I didn’t mean that because he has female friends and a secular view of porn that he would sleep with another girl. I consider looking at porn to be cheating, as well as friendships with other girls where there is flirting and romantic feelings are involved. If his female friend is sending him scandalous texts, and he is actively feeding into her flirtatious behavior, then I would consider that to be an emotional affair, even if it does not lead to a physical affair. I would be absolutely livid if I found something like that on my husband’s phone. These fidelity boundaries need to be set firmly in a relationship, especially in a marriage. Once these lines are crossed, it becomes easier and easier to cross the next ones. Obviously this doesn’t mean that he will physically cheat, but it does increase the risk, and even if he doesn’t, these issues can be poisonous to a marriage.

Perhaps I simply have high standards for fidelity in a marriage?

 

[HappyPerson]

Perhaps I simply have high standards for fidelity in a marriage?

No, you are right in terms of Matthew 5:28 as far as porn in concerned. Also, an emotional affair is an affair, while arguably not as evil as a physical one, it is still infidelity and grounds for an automatic break-up in a nonmarried relationship.

In the case of a proper Christian courtship that lacks physical intimacy(as such is reserved for marriage), an emotional affair is outright cheating, since the person with whom the affair is happening is on the same plane as the actual girlfriend/boyfriend.

It is a shame that we live in such a sexually promiscuous/infidelity world that some people think that anything short of sexual intercourse doesn’t constitute cheating.

Once again, to the OP, this Richard needs to be dumped, and kept out of your life so you can get over him, and he over you.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

Richardsgirl: Your follow up post, with the quote from your boyfriend made me like him a little more than your initial post. He seems like a very likable guy, and I can understand that breaking up with him would be really really hard.

But what he said didn’t negate your concerns: the inappropriate relationship as shown by text messaging, the lamenting (to your face) of not having had other girlfriends, the different view of porn (making use of porn highly suspect), the fact that he isn’t Catholic and is only part willing to let you raise children Catholic.

Like your parents, I might think he’s lovely too, if I only knew him on a surface level (I’m guessing he hasn’t discussed other girlfriends, porn, cheating etc. with your parents). But lovely, and being in love with him, aren’t enough. Based on what I’ve heard, this doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship to stay in. There are too many red flags and stakes too high. Oh and I would say this to my 37 year old sister who still wants to marry & have kids someday - doesn’t matter how late in the game you are, when it’s not right, it’s not right. Luckily, you are very young, so you have time on your side as well.

Breaking up with a person you love is one of the harder things you will do at this point in your life. But ask God for the courage to do it, and he’ll give you the grace to get through it. And there will be happiness at the end of the tunnel.

 

[Donna_Mc]

I agree with the others, there are way too many red flags!
You do want to be 100% sure, marriage is a lifetime commitment.
I know I was 100% sure when I married my husband 19 years ago.
God bless you!

 

[chevalier]

I suppose I should have made my post a little bit clearer. I didn’t mean that because he has female friends and a secular view of porn that he would sleep with another girl. I consider looking at porn to be cheating, as well as friendships with other girls where there is flirting and romantic feelings are involved. If his female friend is sending him scandalous texts, and he is actively feeding into her flirtatious behavior, then I would consider that to be an emotional affair, even if it does not lead to a physical affair. I would be absolutely livid if I found something like that on my husband’s phone. These fidelity boundaries need to be set firmly in a relationship, especially in a marriage. Once these lines are crossed, it becomes easier and easier to cross the next ones. Obviously this doesn’t mean that he will physically cheat, but it does increase the risk, and even if he doesn’t, these issues can be poisonous to a marriage.

Perhaps I simply have high standards for fidelity in a marriage?

I share the same view of what should or should not be done, it seems, but I would be careful to avoid extrapolation.

 

[jrabs]

I also vote to move on with life and leave Richard.

I also hesitate to say that if he comes back then it is meant to be ( as many other posters have said)…people come back at times because of comfort and for many reasons.

If the person is no different, has not embraced religion, then coming back is still no good.

 

[richardsgirl]

I still don’t know what to do, or if I can do it.
I wish in a way that things were more clear-cut, but he’s a really nice person, has always been very good to me & I know he’d be so upset if we broke up… as would I.
But, I do get really mixed signals about our relationship. I asked him how he felt about getting married & he said ideally, not for another 3+ years. i’m in two minds about that. I’ve already dated him for more than two, if I wait that long it will be five, which for me seems excessive! But on the other hand, I’m only 21, if I wait 3 years i’m hardly going to be over-the-hill. What does it mean when your boyfriend wants to wait three years to get married?

I’m definitely not happy with his attitude to sex etc, I think he’s somewhat of the mentality that you haven’t really lived if you haven’t had X number of partners. I can’t blame him for that in a way as it is so prevelant these days, on TV & just in people’s attitudes, even his own parents. He probably doesn’t feel like he’s a ‘real man’ or something. And I know what people on here will say, that a real man wouldn’t have that attitude. And honestly, I wish he didn’t, but I’m still hoping that he will get over that and just be happy instead of having these silly ‘issues’ & ruining everything
I feel cheated too as we’ve always talked about the future, & he said he was committed and wanted to marry me… & now it seems that won’t happen… I’m not sure it’s fair to say 'sure, I’ll marry you, just wait three more years"… but I know I shouldn’t try to force him… I just don’t know
Yesterday night we were talking & he said he felt ‘in some ways he would benefit from taking a break’, but didn’t like the idea of ‘us not being together at all though’.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

**I am sorry for the pain and confusion that you are feeling right now. But in all honesty and sincerity I think you need to take a break from this relationship. Is there something you may have wanted to pursue (travel, a school in another state, a time consuming hobby etc) that you feel you have not had the time for? DO IT. Whatever it is, you need to do something for yourself and take a step back from the intense emotions of this situation. You need some perspective.

He may be the right guy for you. He may not. But if he is, you will find yourselves back together when the time is right. If he is not, you will not have wasted 3 more years in relationship-limbo while the right guy may have passed you by.

Tell him that you completely respect his need for more time, more life experience, more “freedom” etc. But ask him to respect your need to not be in a relationship that is stalled while he finds out who he is and what he wants. This may be the time when you both find out you are two different people and want to go your separate ways…or you may find that the break shows you how much you really want to be in eachother’s lives. But either way, I think he will respect your taking action more than you just sitting around and doing nothing. And most importantly, you will respect yourself.**

 

[richardsgirl]

Hi everyone, Just an update… I did break-up with my boyfriend today . We’ve been talking for a while about the issues between us & the possibility of taking a break, but this weekend I found the extra strength to actually do it (thanks for the helpful advice on here).

Tell him that you completely respect his need for more time, more life experience, more “freedom” etc. But ask him to respect your need to not be in a relationship that is stalled while he finds out who he is and what he wants.

This is pretty much exactly what I said to him this weekend. It was really hard & sad & I think probably hasn’t even sunk in yet, but I do feel quite peaceful in knowing I did the right thing. And we parted on very good terms.
I think the next few weeks are just going to be awful though… and prayers woud be appreciated as I need to stay strong.
I know this isn’t the end of a marriage or anything, but we’ve been so so close for 2 - 3 years, I can’t imagine what it will be like going without that!
Any advice on how to get over a break-up would be appreciated too… my plan is to pray a lot (for him & me) 7 avoid my mobile as I don’t want to end up calling him!
Also, I think I need to change my username … any suggestions?

 

[whatevergirl]

richardsgirl;

First…a big cyberhug for you.:hug3:

Second…breakups are very hard. I remember them in college, and even when you know it’s the right thing to do, it takes time to heal and get over that person. You’ll drive by places you went to together, and cry. You’ll look at old photos, and sob. The advice I’d give to you now, is to** allow yourself to grieve**. This is a loss, like any other loss in life. It will hurt. You will cry. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. (unless you can’t get out of bed for days or something …) Allow yourself some time every day, to just …cry. That will help you actually to stay stronger, and not make that call to him. Eventually, you will heal.

Third…Join something like a painting class…or volunteer at a hospital…or soup kitchen. Anything that you might have an interest in, and haven’t done for whatever reason. Keeping our minds focused on something positive, is always a good way to overcome our challenges and difficulties.

But remember…when the mood strikes you…CRY. Allow yourself to mourn this.

Not knowing you, I don’t have username ideas

God bless and stay strong! If it be God’s will, He will intertwine your paths again.

 

[notsmart]

My advice is to break it off and move on. You are young, and you have so many opportunities in front of you. Don’t waste any of your youth on this kind of thing.
Prayers for you

Hi, I would appreciate some good advice! I have a serious boyfriend of 2 and a half years (the ‘Richard’ of my username ) and we’re pretty much engaged, but there are certain things niggling with me.

Firstly, I’m not 100% sure if this is what he wants. I know he loves me very much but he says I am rushing things (which after this long I don’t think I am, although admittedly we are only 21). Sometimes he says he is looking forward to it all but other times he says he’s not sure if he is ready. He also laments the fact that I’m his first girlfriend, I think he really feels he missed out on loads of fun etc and he says he’s curious about what it would be like to be with someone else . So I’m worried this could be a bit of an issue for us in the future.

I did find some strange texts on his mobile the other day… I can’t go into the detail of what they were here but it skirted dangerously close to cheating without actually being cheating. So that has shaken my faith in him somewhat. We’ve been arguing quite a bit recently

Also, we do not share beliefs. I can cope with him not being Catholic but often he just seems so…secular in his views e.g. on porn and it frustrates me. And I’m not sure how he feels about raising future children Catholic, I mean, he has sort of gone along with that idea but with reservations.

But, I really love him & he is always so kind & sweet to me. He is often round my house and my parents think he’s lovely… I’m sure they would tell me if he was a jerk or something
What do you think? I’m at a point where I feel it’s make or break… I don’t want things to drift along, not being committed but just kind of wasting my life on him?

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

richardsgirl;

First…a big cyberhug for you.:hug3:

Second…breakups are very hard. I remember them in college, and even when you know it’s the right thing to do, it takes time to heal and get over that person. You’ll drive by places you went to together, and cry. You’ll look at old photos, and sob. The advice I’d give to you now, is to** allow yourself to grieve**. This is a loss, like any other loss in life. It will hurt. You will cry. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. (unless you can’t get out of bed for days or something …) Allow yourself some time every day, to just …cry. That will help you actually to stay stronger, and not make that call to him. Eventually, you will heal.

Third…Join something like a painting class…or volunteer at a hospital…or soup kitchen. Anything that you might have an interest in, and haven’t done for whatever reason. Keeping our minds focused on something positive, is always a good way to overcome our challenges and difficulties.

But remember…when the mood strikes you…CRY. Allow yourself to mourn this.

Not knowing you, I don’t have username ideas

God bless and stay strong! If it be God’s will, He will intertwine your paths again.

**EXCELLENT advice!!!

Also, just because “it isn’t the end of a marriage or anything” doesn’t mean it isn’t just as important to you at this time. If you were feeling this much angst over the end of a two week relationship then you might be a bit of a drama queen. But a long relationship like this has naturally become part of your life. Sure you wonder just how your days will look now WITHOUT him, and that’s ok. With time you will learn to fill that void with other meaningful things/people. And there WILL come a time where you will wonder what life used to be like, back when you were with him. Unimaginable now, but it will happen…or at least it did to me:shrug:**

I will pray for you to stay strong and be always open to God’s will. Let Him lead you right now. Or carry you.:hug1:

 

[udoc89]

“I still don’t know what to do, or if I can do it.
I wish in a way that things were more clear-cut, but he’s a really nice person, has always been very good to me & I know he’d be so upset if we broke up… as would I.
But, I do get really mixed signals about our relationship. I asked him how he felt about getting married & he said ideally, not for another 3+ years. i’m in two minds about that. I’ve already dated him for more than two, if I wait that long it will be five, which for me seems excessive! But on the other hand, I’m only 21, if I wait 3 years i’m hardly going to be over-the-hill. What does it mean when your boyfriend wants to wait three years to get married?”

Dear Richard’s Girl:

My darling daughter is 21, has been with her boyfriend 2 years, and they are getting married next summer when they’re 22. They are both committed to making theirs a strong, truly Catholic marriage–I envy them, actually. If my husband and I had been as devout 25 years ago as my daughter and her future-husband are, we could have avoided a lot of mistakes.

It doesn’t sound as if your young man is ready to commit to you–and yet he seems to want it both ways. I mean, he seems to be stringing you along–he’s not quite sure he wants to make things permanent, but until he’s sure, he doesn’t want you to have the chance to meet someone else. You deserve better. He may be perfectly nice, but he sounds like a little boy!

God bless you, Dear. If it doesn’t work out for you, I have a 24-year-old son–just kidding.

 

[JennBob]

Praying for you Girl
Just remember there’s no rainbow without the rain.God loves you and has a plan for you!
Jennifer

 

[KingAlfred]

Letting go is very hard. Don’t push it. Take your time. Take a vacation from worrying about it. One of my English professors once said, “If you don’t know what to do, do nothing.” I’ve practiced that all my life. It works.

 

[beckers]

I third the idea of remembering to Mourn! IF you want to cry then cry. you don’t need a reason. and make sure you take a break from dating. At least a semester or 6 months or more. Basically don’t feel as if you need to rush into another relationship. Take this time to know yourself and deeper yourself with God.

“A woman’s heart must be buried so deeply in Christ that a man must seek Christ to find it”