Should I bring up the elephant in the room?

[noclevername]

warning…really long.

HI all. I’m not Catholic…yet…but you all seem to be very wise about matters so I wanted to put something out there and see what you all think about it.

I am in my mid30’s. When I was 21 my mother died a tragic sudden unexpected death. When that happened, I will admit that I was not the easiest person to get along with for a while. But I wasn’t’ destructive or anything like that. I was just sad and kept to myself. Well, for some reason my stepmother couldn’t stand me at that point and kicked me out of the house. I swear I have no idea why. I apologized profusely for whatever I had done. I even had our pastor come over to counsel with us. This is a pastor who we had known a long time and was a family friend. Well, first of all we had to meet on the front porch because she wouldn’t let me in the house. And then half way through the session she got mad and left.

So I left and lived with my aunt until I was married and then lived with my husband. She nor my stepsisters nor stepbrother came to my wedding. Also, for 10 years they did not talk to me or have anything to do with me. During that time I kept writing to my dad and stepmother asking them to forgive me and let me back into the family but they wouldn’t do it. She wrote me a letter (that I still have) telling me that I wasn’t apologizing correctly and that she has no reason to ever have a relationship with me.

Fast-forward about 10 years and my first niece was born. My sister invited me to the Christening of my niece. Of course I was going to go to that. It was taking place at my home church which was about three hours away. So I drove over for it. To my surprise, I was invited back to my parent’s house after the Christening. I was very nervous but decided to go anyway. While I was there I talked to my stepmother’s best friend and the best friend is the one who told me that everything was OK now and that is all that was ever said about the entire 10 years. Since then I’ve been back in the family and it has never been brought up.

So I lost 10 years with my stepsisters and stepbrother and my Dad. I grew up with these people and we are close but they wouldn’t talk to me because she told them not to.

So, now we have a seminormal family relationship. However, we have never ever talked about what happened and why. Part of me never wants to talk about it but another part of me wants to find out what happened. I am sure I suppressed stuff. And a part of me will never trust them completely again because I can’t allow myself to be hurt like that again if my stepmother decides to kick me out of the family again.

However, one thing I did find out is that my stepmother told different people in the family different lies about me. The reason I know this is because I finally got up the courage to talk to one of my sisters about it because I can see the same thing starting with her family. My stepmother hates her husband and the whole process seems to be repeating but he is the target. When I was talking to my sister, she told me that the stepmother told her that I was the one who didn’t want to have anything to do with the family. That is a lie. For years I kept writing letters to my stepmother and my dad begging them to let me back into the family. I even showed my sister the letter from my stepmother that says it doesn’t matter how much I ask to come back or how much I apologize that she has no reason to have a relationship with me. (the same letter I referred to above). When my sister read that, she broke down and cried. My sister is mad at her mother because she took 10 years away from us and because her mother hates my sister’s husband. (It’s a double whammy) And there is coldness between them. My stepmother has no idea why my sister is mad at her but I know and I feel guilty about it. Very guilty.

I am wondering if I should ever bring it up with my stepmother. Is it worth it? Should I do it when that sister is there? Or should I just go about my life and ignore the elephant in the room? The really sad thing is that I will probably be getting married again in the next year. My parents live a long way away and I do love them but I could care less if they made it to my wedding. I don’t know why I feel like that but I do.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

**I think you should speak with a therapist or trusted priest. There is A LOT to work through and probably much more than we could ever help with.

But I’ll try anyways

First of all, you know your stepmother. What do you predict her reaction would be if you brought this up? If you think she might actually listen and have a conversation, it might be a good idea. But, if you think she will get mad all over again and cut off contact again, is it worth it?

Don’t feel guilty about showing your sister the letter and talking about this. You have a right to defend your name and reputation. If you were only talking to put your step mom down and make her look bad, get yourself to confession. But if you were explaining your side of the story then you should not feel guilty.

As for your possible upcoming wedding, it’s ok that you feel ambivalent. When people hurt you it is hard to trust them again. And rebuilding that trust takes lots of effort on the part of the person who did the hurting. So, invite them, but don’t worry/stress about whether or not they will attend etc.

Seriously, only knowing the little that you posted, I would keep my distance but keep the door open. If they are open to talking, great. If they are not, that is sad but not uncommon. You can be civil and polite when attending family functions, but don’t expect things to be the way you wish they could be.

You don’t say what happened to your first husband or if you have children… but we have two opportunities in this life for a parent-child relationship. If the one with your own parents continues on like this, at least you have the chance to do better by your own kids.

Sorry if none of this was helpful…I just hated seeing your post sit here unanswered. I will pray that you can find a good counselor to help you sort through this mess, and figure out exactly what parts you are responsible for and which parts you need to just let go of.

edit: just noted that you are not Catholic…so ignore the advice that is particularly Catholic, lol
**

 

[noclevername]

**I think you should speak with a therapist or trusted priest. There is A LOT to work through and probably much more than we could ever help with.

But I’ll try anyways

First of all, you know your stepmother. What do you predict her reaction would be if you brought this up? If you think she might actually listen and have a conversation, it might be a good idea. But, if you think she will get mad all over again and cut off contact again, is it worth it?**

• Actually no, she wouldn’t listen and I know it will make her mad. She is one of those “always right” kind of folks. " *

**
Don’t feel guilty about showing your sister the letter and talking about this. You have a right to defend your name and reputation. If you were only talking to put your step mom down and make her look bad, get yourself to confession. But if you were explaining your side of the story then you should not feel guilty.**

• The reason I showed that letter to my sister is because I could see the same thing that happened to me happening to my BIL (her husband). I didn’t want history to repeat itself so I showed it to her so she would be aware of what was going on. I do feel bad that she is angry wtih her mother now though. *
  **
  As for your possible upcoming wedding, it’s ok that you feel ambivalent. When people hurt you it is hard to trust them again. And rebuilding that trust takes lots of effort on the part of the person who did the hurting. So, invite them, but don’t worry/stress about whether or not they will attend etc.**
• The only people that I want to make sure are there is my half sister and her daughter. I would love others to come too but my half sister and her daughter are required. I love them so much and they have never forsaken my like my other “family”*
  **
  Seriously, only knowing the little that you posted, I would keep my distance but keep the door open. If they are open to talking, great. If they are not, that is sad but not uncommon. You can be civil and polite when attending family functions, but don’t expect things to be the way you wish they could be.**
• I think you’re right, it’s not worth it. And I only see my parents about once a year because they live so far away. I should just let sleeping dogs lie. I did want to tell my sister because I didn’t want her to go through what i did.

Also, one part that bothers me the most is that my dad didn’t have enough of a spine to stand up to her. He let it happen. When it was goign on he told me that he didn’t want to grow old alone so he didn’t want to make waves with her. A part of me actually understands that but another part of me feels like he could have stood up to her without risking divorce. BTW, she threatens him with divorce about once a year and he doesn’t want it to happen. I do respect my dad for wanting to stay. It’s the right thing to do. *
**
You don’t say what happened to your first husband or if you have children… but we have two opportunities in this life for a parent-child relationship. If the one with your own parents continues on like this, at least you have the chance to do better by your own kids.
**

• My first husband and I divorced because of abuse and other problems but he was with me through most of the family stuff. We were married 10 years but never had kids.*
  **
  Sorry if none of this was helpful…I just hated seeing your post sit here unanswered. I will pray that you can find a good counselor to help you sort through this mess, and figure out exactly what parts you are responsible for and which parts you need to just let go of.

edit: just noted that you are not Catholic…so ignore the advice that is particularly Catholic, lol
**

• Thanks for your response and your help. I really appreciate the opinion from a person who is not personally involved. *