Should I call a family meeting?

[bklynbrat]

First I’m going to give a run down on my family.
Dad, Stepmom, 2 stepsisters (I’ll refer to them as SS1 & SS2), & 1 half sister that we all share. This is going to be long so hang in there please.

OK last October, my dad called SS1. He & stepmom got into a huge verbal fight & he needed help to try to get her to calm down, etc. SS1 called SS2 & the 2 of them went over to the parent’s house. While they were enroute, stepmom left, nearly driving over my dad in her haste to get away.

Stepsis’ were trying to figure out where their mom went, looked around town, tracked down some of her friends, etc. Stepmom gets wind that they’re looking for her. She storms back to the house, chews out the sisters, tells them that her fight is none of their business & to butt out. My dad not once stood up for the sister’s in telling his wife that he called them for help. He just sat back & watched it all go down.

The SSs tried to get in contact with their mom the following day & she would not talk. A week goes by, they’re calling her daily & she would not answer her phone. In the meantime, we (all us girls) already booked a cruise for the middle of Oct.

SS1 finally gets a hold of my dad (a few days before we’re supposed to leave) & he tells her that mom is not going on the cruise. And the sisters were actually relieved that she wasn’t going. They didn’t want the drama. Which I can say when there is a fight amongst that group it’s always “she said this, she said that”. Stepmom is very good at mental combat.

So for these past 11 months there’s been no communication between SSs & stepmom. I’m closer to SS1 & it seems when we’re together she wants to talk about the incident. I listen & try to give the best advice I possibly can. She feels that for her & her sister that they are finished dealing with their mother. She said if all she had to do was apologize (for what she does not know) & things would go back to the way they were, she’d do it in a heartbeat, but she’s just tired of the mental abuse that goes along with it from her mom. It’s been like this her entire life.

During one of our conversations I asked if it would be a good idea, just to get everyone together & hash this all out once & for all. At the time she said she didn’t think she could mentally handle it.
Well yesterday she came to me & said that she was ready for it.

She found out that her mom is just telling anyone that was willing to listen how terrible her daughters treated her, how they ruined her chances of going on a cruise, blah, blah, blah. She is just blantanly lying about stuff that I know for a fact is not true.

She hasn’t seen her grandkids in 11 months. Our youngest sister had her first baby this past March. Stepmom did not come to the baby shower b/c of who was there. It’s just been one thing after another with her.

I’ve talked to my dad (we have basically what I like to call a “cordial relationship” that’s it). He tells me how stepmom is sooo distraught, & I basically told him that maybe stepmom should call her daughters, & end this idiotic tirade right then & there. Then he tells me that that “the girls” are doing this to their mother & they’re the ones that have to apologize b/c they’re so called Christians & have to honor their mother & father. I told him that maybe if he had a pair that he should’ve stood up to his wife & stood up for “the girls” instead of throwing them under the bus, none of this would be happening today. I know it wasn’t the thing to say, but I get tired of this whole thing being one sided.

I have the type of personality that it takes a lot for me to get mad, but if I do get mad at you, you’re gonna get a piece of my mind, but I can guarantee, that before 24hrs are up, I’m calling you apologizing. I don’t like leaving things to fester.

So I think I should get this thing going. I’ve decided if all agree to do this, that I will start it off with the St. Francis Prayer, find a few bible verses, maybe even go the the catechism? It might set things off on a good foot being that I’m the only Catholic in the family.

I’d like some suggestions on how I should handle this without turning it into a Jerry Springer episode!

If you’ve made it this far, you have my deepest thanks. Any suggestions are surely welcomed.

God Bless

 

[Trishie]

You could try the family meeting as your stepsister wishes, though by the sound of it your father and stepmother aren’t open to discussion. It might just end up being a forum of accusations.

I’d wonder if the stepmother is in some way mentally/emotionally ill. She certainly seems to be in a very agitated state and not particularly open to reason; with her husband taking her viewpoint I don’t know how far you’d get…but so long as you sisters are prepared to try, as the status quo is bad for you all and for grandchildren, I hope some good may come out of it.

If you can all handle the flak, you may discover whatever triggered the problems and see what can be done.

You ask what you should do because it’s a scary proposition that could easily inflame things…but you and your stepsisters know more than we do. Maybe you have to try, if you can, but you sisters at least, would need to be able go into it without anger and as calmly as you can manage knowing it might do some good or might make things worse. At least you will have tried. Is it possible to have a balanced and trusted uninvolved person present?

I ask the Holy Spirit to go into your family’s feelings, thoughts and
words and to help the healing of your family relationships.

 

[BamaRider]

Well sweetie I read the whole story.

I kinda lost track of the characters, but it seems you’re referee?

Lemme see if this is sorted out-

SS1 and 2 are fussing with their mother. She get all mad stormed out, got on her broom, and didn’t speak to anyone for 11 months? Messed up the cruise (didja go on it anyway? No reason to miss out on a good time cos stepmom left the reservation I’d say)

You have working relationship with your father, but not exaclty close. Is that because of your SM?

So where is the half sister? Seems like she oughta be doin something, or is she too young?

Is your SM still AWOL?

nearly driving over my dad in her haste to get away.

I’d make sure everyone is oughta the driveway before SM arrives.

But to answer your question. If you can get everyone in the same room, it would be worth a shot at trying to sort this out. Does your father and SM mostly get along or do they fuss on a routine basis only this time it went a little farther then usual?

Then you told your father-

told him that maybe if he had a pair that he should’ve stood up to his wife & stood up for "t

No you didn’t…

 

[bklynbrat]

You could try the family meeting as your stepsister wishes, though by the sound of it your father and stepmother aren’t open to discussion. It might just end up being a forum of accusations.

You know, I was up half the night thinking the same thing. I can see stepmom getting furious & just storming out. I think in her mind she would think we’re all ganging up on her.

I’d wonder if the stepmother is in some way mentally/emotionally ill. She certainly seems to be in a very agitated state and not particularly open to reason; with her husband taking her viewpoint I don’t know how far you’d get…but so long as you sisters are prepared to try, as the status quo is bad for you all and for grandchildren, I hope some good may come out of it.

SS1 works at a high school & actually went to one of the school councelors, did some research & figured that possibly stepmom has what’s called Borderline Personality Disorder. SS1 said all the symptoms listed stepmom had every one of them. The thing is with BPD the person with it will not accept someone telling them they think they suffer from it. They refuse to seek medical attention.

If you can all handle the flak, you may discover whatever triggered the problems and see what can be done.

You ask what you should do because it’s a scary proposition that could easily inflame things…but you and your stepsisters know more than we do. Maybe you have to try, if you can, but you sisters at least, would need to be able go into it without anger and as calmly as you can manage knowing it might do some good or might make things worse. At least you will have tried. Is it possible to have a balanced and trusted uninvolved person present?

I had a friend suggest the same thing. I just don’t know which way to turn

I ask the Holy Spirit to go into your family’s feelings, thoughts and
words and to help the healing of your family relationships.

Thank you for your advice & prayer

 

[Trishie]

You said you just don’t know which way to turn…
Family relationships seem to have become your problem, I guess you are the peacemaker. If you do try this family meeting, the bible and prayer thing…are you sure that would go down well, realistically with the family? I wonder if that should be kept simple, but have as many people as you can praying for you all.

If you try a family meeting and it works, you’ve gained. I feel somewhat wary about its success given what you’ve said about your parents, in particular your stepmom, but prayer can do wonders sometimes. If a meeting makes things worse, then that will be hard on you all.

If it isn’t possible to heal the relationships, for the siblings to heal they would need to forgive, and accept what can’t be changed. They would need to find a degree of sensible but not bitter detachment and still act with forebearance and courtesy towards your parents.

The disorder in your stepmom would be best regarded (privately) as a kind of illness deserving careful tact and little kindesses without expecting appreciation. Even so, who knows if such occasional wise acts of kindness won’t help your stepmom towards a better relationship with herself and with you all. She must be very unhappy to be so bitter, manipulative, and resentful.

Please God, you sisters can live wholesome lives, by accepting that it may not be possible to change your parents. Bitterness and outraged sense of justice may be justified, but too destructive, too painful and obsessive. God grant you all the maturity and forgiveness to rise above your mother/stepmother’s tantrums as if a child who maybe can’t help herself. I do hope so much that you can, that one person’s dynamic doesn’t dominate and spoil your lives and happiness. It’s probably the healthiest thing you can all do for your parents, be happy and wholesome.

I know that God will bless you for the good you are trying to do.
Take good care of yourself, Trishie

 

[leonie]

Only do this if you can get a mediator: a professional counselor of some sort.

My advice is to stay out of this. As a mother, there’s not much that could keep me from a relationship with my kids. If your stepmom is voluntarily staying away from her kids, there is something wrong with her.

You can reason with irrational people. :nope:

 

[bklynbrat]

Well sweetie I read the whole story.

I kinda lost track of the characters, but it seems you’re referee?

Lemme see if this is sorted out-

SS1 and 2 are fussing with their mother. She get all mad stormed out, got on her broom, and didn’t speak to anyone for 11 months? Messed up the cruise (didja go on it anyway? No reason to miss out on a good time cos stepmom left the reservation I’d say)

Yes. And yes we went on the cruise. The girls were relieved b/c we had about a 12 hr. drive just to get to Mobile to get on the boat & stepmom would have made the drive atrocious. The cruise was fantastic btw.

You have working relationship with your father, but not exaclty close. Is that because of your SM?

No. My mom & dad divorced before I was 2 & he had nothing to do with me until I got shipped out here at 15. And to be honest back then stepmom took me in as if I was her own. No hostility from her at all.

So where is the half sister? Seems like she oughta be doin something, or is she too young?

Half sissy is 26, but too much of a softy. Does not like confrontation. She’s the one both parents talk to, to complain about “the others” , then she calls “the girls” to fill them in on what’s being said. Poor kid.

Is your SM still AWOL?

Nadda

I’d make sure everyone is oughta the driveway before SM arrives.


But to answer your question. If you can get everyone in the same room, it would be worth a shot at trying to sort this out. Does your father and SM mostly get along or do they fuss on a routine basis only this time it went a little farther then usual?

They get along as far as I know. I can only think of a few times when the fights got this bad. I guess I just need to pray about it for now, discuss more with the sisters & see where it heads.

Then you told your father-

No you didn’t…

Oh yes I did! :tiphat:

Thanks for your help. I had a good laugh

 

[1ke]

Stay out of it.

Period.

 

[Brenda_V]

Only do this if you can get a mediator: a professional counselor of some sort.

My advice is to stay out of this. As a mother, there’s not much that could keep me from a relationship with my kids. If your stepmom is voluntarily staying away from her kids, there is something wrong with her.

You can reason with irrational people. :nope:

Stay out of it.

Period.

My first inclination is that of 1ke’s and leonie’s - stay out of it. But leonie had a great suggestion - do not be the mediator, get someone professional to do that if you go the route of the family meeting.

Now no medical advise but another possible problem - your SM could have a thyroid problem (or other hormone). Really, any hormones that are off can cause similar problems but most notably thyroid and our sexual hormones (estrogen, progesterone and testosterone + at least one other that I can not remember right now).

Brenda V.

 

[mnmom]

bklynbrat,

I’m sorry I don’t have any advice for you but I have a mother-in-law like that. You can’t reason with a person like that. They are kind of a toxic personality. My MI does the same things to her grandkids as she does to her children and my kids usually do not want to visit her very often. Last weekend when I took the kids to visit we were there only one hour when she told one of her daughters that she isn’t going to babysit my kids all weekend. I was there the whole time and we were visiting for crying out loud. Needless to say I politely told her it was time for us to be leaving as I needed to make the kids lunch.

 

[Nanny_PK]

I think it’s fabulous that you have such a good relationship with your sisters. What a blessing for the “steps” to have you to come to. Glad y’all continued with your cruise plans!!!

I think your idea is fine; however, I think you and the sisters ought to get together before hand and support each other to the fact that it might not go anywhere. If SM is bpd and is resistent to the fact that she has a problem, there’s nothing y’all are going to be able to do. You might just have to start limiting contact. There are ways to honor your father and mother without putting yourself in the direct line of fire.

Though my situation is nowhere near as hard as yours, I do have a SM who likes to pit the sisters against each other (I have one bio sister, one stepsister, and one half sister) What we’ve learned to do is all talk about what was said so that SM cannot twist our words to the others. To her credit,I don’t think it’s done consciously. We’ve just learned how to “play” her so that it does not affect our relationships.

Hope it goes well!!!

 

[BamaRider]

Half sissy is 26, but too much of a softy. Does not like confrontation. She’s the one both parents talk to, to complain about “the others” , then she calls “the girls” to fill them in on what’s being said. Poor kid.

So she’s kinda like a double agent? You gotta think she’s prolly feeding the SM stuff about y’all so I’d watch what I say around her.

I see your screen name is a form of “Brooklynbrat?” You were shipped outta NYC to Broken Bow, Oklahoma??? Wasn’t that kind of a cultural shock?? LOL.

 

[bklynbrat]

I think it’s fabulous that you have such a good relationship with your sisters. What a blessing for the “steps” to have you to come to. Glad y’all continued with your cruise plans!!!

I think your idea is fine; however, I think you and the sisters ought to get together before hand and support each other to the fact that it might not go anywhere. If SM is bpd and is resistent to the fact that she has a problem, there’s nothing y’all are going to be able to do. You might just have to start limiting contact. There are ways to honor your father and mother without putting yourself in the direct line of fire.

Though my situation is nowhere near as hard as yours, I do have a SM who likes to pit the sisters against each other (I have one bio sister, one stepsister, and one half sister) What we’ve learned to do is all talk about what was said so that SM cannot twist our words to the others. To her credit,I don’t think it’s done consciously. We’ve just learned how to “play” her so that it does not affect our relationships.

Hope it goes well!!!

We are good for each other. We also don’t call each other steps, we’re true sisters. I’m just sick that this has gone on for so long. They are too. But they’re tired of being treated that way by their own mother.

Since this has happened we’ve (the sisters) been together talking about what she has said to them over the years. A lot of stuff I did not know, sadly. I’ve been shown a different side of SM.

The grandkids, there’s 6 of them now, ranging from ages 15-5 months are kind of stuck in the middle b/c they haven’t seen her since then either. I always thought Sm was fantastic w/the kids, until I’ve found out that Sm does some reckless things. i.e while having the kids in the car picking up hitchhikers , other stuff along those lines too. Scary stuff. We don’t want them involved b/c she’ll play them along too with how she manipulates things.

Oh well, I’ll need to call everyone up & see how they want to handle this.

But anyway thank you for answering back.

God Bless.

 

[bklynbrat]

So she’s kinda like a double agent? You gotta think she’s prolly feeding the SM stuff about y’all so I’d watch what I say around her.

Oh no SM plays her too. No, what happened a few weeks ago, my dad called lil sis to see how she was doing. He proceded to tell her that back in March, when we were all at the hospital (there was me, SS 1&2, & SS2’s daughters, SM, & lil sis MIL & FIL)( lil sis was about to have a baby that’s why we were all there) that we (the sisters) would not let the granddaughters talk to SM. It was a straight out lie. I witnessed myself while everyone of us was in the waiting room, the 2 grandkids & SM sat straight across from us talking. This is what SM told my dad b/c he wasn’t there.

After hanging up with my dad, lil sis wanted an unbiased opinion & called her MIL to see what actaully happened, & sure enough MIL told her the same thing I just told you.

It’s just wacky.

I see your screen name is a form of “Brooklynbrat?” You were shipped outta NYC to Broken Bow, Oklahoma??? Wasn’t that kind of a cultural shock?? LOL

No not Broken Bow, never been there, I know it’s down south of me now in Broken Arrow. BA’s not bad, I actually like it here(it’s a suburb of Tulsa)
But when I first moved out here I still moved to a small town & it definitely was a major shock To tell you how small this town was, I was the weekend entertainment for the teenagers there. Ever heard of “Dragging Main”? You know when Friday night comes along & all the kids drag main going around the town in their cars? That was weird to me. But anyway, the kids would make me stop at Wal-Mart parking lot just so they could hear me speak. We’d sit there for hours, while I’d spit out whatever they wanted me to say.

I’m still here after 26 years, & it’s all my husband’s fault. At least that’s what I tell him …

 

[Rob_s_Wife]

#1 Stay out of it. Stay out of it!

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#2 I agree with your step-mother. An argument between husband and wife is just that - between them. He shouldn’t be calling the kids for marital help. If he needs help “calming her down” - then he needs to call in mental health professionals or simply man up. I don’t know which because I don’t know them. I do know that married adult grandparents shouldn’t be calling their kids to mediate.

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**#3 If the step sister(s) want to meet and or reconcile with their mother, then that is for THEM and HER to do - again you should stay out of it. We are talking about all grown women here and mother/daughter relationship. They are either going to work it out, decide they are healthier without the relationship (yes, sometimes that IS best), or once again various parties might need to consider the 3rd party assistance of a mental health professional. YOU are NOT that professional. **

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#4 I have no idea why everyone went looking for her. She’s a grown woman and should be able to take care of herself. She is not some teen runaway. If she wants to storm off to cool down after a marital fight - well I don’t think it’s good, but that’s her perogotive. Again, it seems as though your step mother is either mentallly unstable or simply juvenile in behavior. The first needs health provider treatment, the second needs to ignored rather than indulged.

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#5 Regardless of why she acts that way, I too would not give her alone contact with my children.

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#6 No, you do NOT “need” to call everyone and see how they want to handle this. They are all big kids and do not need to be told what to do by you. If they want to call each other - they will. If they don’t - they won’t. If anything, it’s time to move on and get over it as best they can. You calling everyone is just going to dredge things up again. If they wanted it dredged, they’d do it themselves.

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#7 I would not discuss it anymore with them. Simply say, "Yes, it’s a shame it had to be like that. You should call her yourself if you want to change things. Otherwise, there’s no point in poking at the wounds by conintually rehashing them. So… " and then change the subject!

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#8 STAY OUT OF IT!

 

[Indyann]

Noo matter how flat a pancake, there are always two sides.

My advice, like some others is to stay out of it.

By becoming involved, you are risking further alienation from your father, SM, and even possibly form your sisters.

If I were in your SM’s shoes, I would indeed feel that you all were “ganging up” on me.

No matter what her possible mental problems are, they are HER problems. Until she recognizes this (if she indeed has mental issues) you are just adding fuel to the fire.

It sounds like the sisters have had long standing issues with their mother and are trying to suck you into the middle of the fray.

 

[Nanny_PK]

We are good for each other. We also don’t call each other steps, we’re true sisters. I’m just sick that this has gone on for so long. They are too. But they’re tired of being treated that way by their own mother.

Since this has happened we’ve (the sisters) been together talking about what she has said to them over the years. A lot of stuff I did not know, sadly. I’ve been shown a different side of SM.

The grandkids, there’s 6 of them now, ranging from ages 15-5 months are kind of stuck in the middle b/c they haven’t seen her since then either. I always thought Sm was fantastic w/the kids, until I’ve found out that Sm does some reckless things. i.e while having the kids in the car picking up hitchhikers , other stuff along those lines too. Scary stuff. We don’t want them involved b/c she’ll play them along too with how she manipulates things.

Oh well, I’ll need to call everyone up & see how they want to handle this.

But anyway thank you for answering back.

God Bless.

I also have three sisters - don’t differentiate between the type. I mean, my "step"sister was 18 months old when our parents married.

I know this is hard. Just be there for each other. If it’s successful, great. If not, just remind each other that you’ve done everything you can You cannot control her actions, you can only control your responses.

I’ll be praying for you guys.

 

[rayne89]

If your step mom truly has BPD then only a professional may be able to sort this out. People with BPD take things very personally -to an extreme. A wrong look, a tone of voice that seems angry or sarcastic even an innocent comment or question can turn someone who suffers from the disorder into a raging, very caustic human being. Any change in plans can be seen as a betrayal,in a way -abandonment. Your stepmom might even believe what she’s telling other people is true, things get twisted up in the mind with people who have BPD.

Your dad was very wrong for involving your step sisters in his marriage issues. And it wasn’t their place to step in. I say you all back off and live your lives. No amount of reasoning, talking, explaining can fix a situation with someone with BPD. They need professional psychiatric help and most likely medication. As long as step-mom remains untreated the drama will continue, even if this could be resolved, sooner rather than later another issue would put you all in same place. I’m sure this is far from the first time this has happened.

Live your lives, and let your father deal with his wife.

 

[ironman62292]

Dang, this would make a good soap opera, one that all them women like watchin I lost track of the story, too much drama for my head (no offense) Anyway, just pray about it. Pray that this division be reconciled. Trust God. That’s all I got to say.

 

[bklynbrat]

Thank you everyone for your responses. Thanks to Rayne89 especially.

After reading about the BPD & talking with my sister yesterday, I decided not to go through with it.

When my sister first figured out about the possibilty that we’re dealing with someone who has BPD, it was after this whole thing went down last year & no one ever told my dad. He’s not talking to them either btw.

So what I’ve figure I’d do, is print out as much info on BPD, & hand it over to him. I know he cannot confront SM with this, b/c as my sister said SM would make his life a living hell. At least though he will know what’s been possibly the cause to all the confusion in this family.

Thank you again

God Bless